❤️ 30,000 Page Views BLAM!!

Wooo hooooo 

Made 30,000 page views. Wow!

And, I’ve gone through my Dropbox which has some fantastic Evidence for me to add.

Blam!

❤️ 28th March 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

R** told me he was going for a few drinks with J*** after work and he wouldn’t be late. I wait till around midnight before I really try to contact him.

Thinking he’s just gone to a normal pub, closing at 11.30pm - 12am.

I can’t get hold of him. 

Eventually I get a text, saying he’ll text before he comes home. 

I wake up every hour. 1am. 2am and finally 3am. 

I’m freaking out, worried something has happened to my precious baby (he had a serious medical condition to bear in mind)

Still not contact to say he’s alive. 

Finally at 3am I manage to speak to him. He’s on his way back home, didn’t think to contact me, apparently was ‘just about to’, that old chestnut.

To top things off, his cousin is accompanying him back to my Flat.

I can’t believe I been worrying my arse off for nothing. Just pure inconsideration. He knows he would be freaking out, thinking I was dead or raped if I said I was going for a couple of drinks and didn’t contact him for hours, then turned up pissed at 3.30am. 

I only wish he would treat me as he wished to be treated. It’s like he’s slightly autistic and is not able to imagine what other people are feeling as a result of his actions. 

❤️ 2008 - 2009 - Boyfriend Dramas

When W**** has hurt me

I have decided to keep record of when R** has hurt me.

Although he is the best I’ve ever had, by miles, as far as boyfriends’ are concerned, he’s no way near perfect.

If the time comes for us to move on; if he leaves me, I can read this and remember the pain and hopefully it’ll ease my sorrow.

If the time comes, and I leave him, I’ll have a justified list of bad things for my reason.

In a perfect world, none of this would have happened and I’d be blissfully happy like November 2007 - February 2008.

W****

Good Points

He would never cheat on me

Treats me like a lady 

He likes to always pay and spoil me

He would make an excellent husband 

I would like him to father my children

He doesn’t get pissed, smoke or do drugs

He genuinely cares about me

Me makes me laugh and smile 

He’s very attractive and fit 

He’s intelligent and can hold decent conversations

He wants to be with me forever 

No matter how angry I am, his eyes makes me want to forgive him

90% I can’t fault his personality 

I did something with him in the bedroom he’s never done before (not the exact transcript!! 😊)

I love his Frank Bruno laugh

He has the most beautiful, deep brown, eyes

And beautiful smile

I like it when he takes the piss out of me for being dumb 

I love his sexy upper body 

Bad Points

He snores and keeps me up most the time

He over anayalises everything 

He is always right! And when he’s wrong he cops the hump

He’s jealous and insecure

His friends walk all over him 

Too close to his family, especially his mother

When he’s in the wrong, he’ll always try to find something to make me look worse

He’s number one in my life and I’ll never be number one in his 

Can be very inconsiderate at times

Can switch and be very cold and lack emotional 

Can switch and be aggressive with is intimidating 

Doesn’t stand up to S*****, pays double CS, phone bill and probably more he doesn’t tell me about 

S***** makes kids hate me and he doesn’t change it. Will my children’s half brother and sister hate them? Get annoyed coz they have to share their dad?

In bed, coz a bit inexperienced, he’s shy at times (not exact transcript)

Broken no lie rule!

(2018 - to be honest, I have pushed out my memories of R**. They are locked far away in my brain. Having to write this, has forced me to unlock that box. I kinda hurts. Which means, to someone who’s not turned into a stone cold bitch, it really hurts. Fuck, yeah, I’ll be honest. It hurts. Out of all my serious other halves, while my first love will always be T****, R** will be my biggest regret. I wish S****** wasn’t a jealous bitch and didn’t use their kids as ammunition. She knew she wasn’t getting him back. Why try to make him unhappy. Why threaten him with denying access to his children if we were together. It’s a shame. I was the first girlfriend after the split. If I was second, I’d never of had to have that termination. Instead of pets, I’ve gave children... a 10 year old by now. But, I’m grateful I had the pleasure of spending 3 years with R**. 

I’ve actually been super into girls recently... but thinking of R** makes me long for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing again)

❤️ So I Bought A Lottery Ticket

Well two scratchies... and BLAM. Take that muva fuckas....

Please keep hating me and judging me... you’re sending some serious positive karma my way

First scratch card 

Cost £1. Won £2.

Second scratch card

Cost £2. Won £5

❤️ 25th July 2008 -Journal

I am truly sad. My future has been wiped out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back again. I can say goodbye to waking up next to someone I love with my whole heart. I can say goodbye to those magic words ‘will you marry me?’. I can say goodbye to wearing my white dress and walking down the aisle. I can say goodbye to looking my lover, my best friend and future husband, in the eye, and telling him I’m pregnant.

R** has been lying to S******. He told her we aren’t together as she wouldn’t let him see the children otherwise. He recons he was going to tell her at some point and she would be ok about it. Maybe when she’d found a boyfriend.

But I know she won’t be alright. She’ll go mental at him for lying to her. And then she’ll stop him seeing the children anyway. 

I’ve know from day one there’s no competition between me and his children. The only other option is to keep me as the dirty little secret I am today. We would have to secretly get married, with R** slipping his ring off  when he goes to her house (I found out today he went there.... Rest of written entry is not here!

Oh my god, this was painful reliving this. It ivy things had worked out with R**. My life would be so different. I anticipate in a good way, but I can’t be certain. 

Although I am grateful for every experience I have had, including the negative. If I could go back to meeting R** again and ironing out these issues, I would in a heart beat.

❤️ I Need To Buy A Lottery Ticket!!

Ok, so back in 2016 before rehab, I tested positive for the hepatitis C virus. Before I went to rehab a letter was sent saying it was undetectable in my blood, meaning this don, had self cleared it!!

Yay!!

Unfortunately the letter arrived in February 2017. 

So, due to my carelessness in between self clearing and myself receiving the letter, I had been a dick again. 

This meant I yet again received the bad news about showing a positive test result.

Just had my investigation appointment today... BLAM! Undetectable again!!

So... it looks like, I’ve self cleared the fucker twice!!

The only other explanation is the test was so basic, it only tested for antibodies being present and I had only self cleared once. I need to check how long the antibodies stay present in the blood. But given the time between both tests.... and I’m well aware I have been a complete dick when it comes to keeping my works clean, I am learning towards my body being a bad ass don and have self cleared twice.

You know I’m buying a lottery ticket. And a scratchy!!

❤️ 2008 - Tarot Reading

This is a professional tarot reading I had done around 2008.

Me - I’m an all or nothing person (correct, I have to be at least good, if not the best, at everything I do). I like challengers and working hard.

Chopped, chained and (illegible)

Looking to make step forward, getting bored.

Important where I live, where friends go. One friend on my side. 

Get on well with creative / imaginative or get bored.

I’m creative

Boyfriend - fond of him (what BS, of course I am or I wouldn’t be with him). Hope still there ??? comes back

Popped off for a bit, not sure what happened. Me not in wrong. He knows but wants to forget. Won’t admit. Hates to admit he’s wrong (correct, whenever he was wrong, rather than accept it, he’d find something I had done wrong and deflect)

Maybe turning point. Instead of losing will get forgiven. Nice person. Inferiority complex. Blames others for best part of life. Has suffered long time ago for a bit (correct he was hydrocephalic). Thought that’s it now, no one’s ever going to blame me again. Made a bad habit, could have lost me. You met him half way, he can’t keep making allowances, walking all over people.

Could be worse.  Nice person trying to get out.

You value freedom too much to be bossed around. He has a lot to learn about women. Might bring him back. Needs challenge. You need to make your mind up. No more crap. Have to do what you want. (I did, I lost everyone so I could self indulge with drugs. Great choice hur???)

I’m sensitive, psychic ability (yes thanks so now I don’t have to pay £50 to hear this!!)

Mum - been to help mum. From spring, money problems (think I maxed out my credit cards on crack and heroin, so yes, correct), new challenge (yes, I moved from managing a small project at a college, to a large one. Went from temp to permanent). No ambition but better money (correct). Confidence. Friends in other countries (??) I want to go to.

Further on creative 

Independence??

Want family (not anymore), good with children (little). 2 kids, either two boys or one of each (if I was stupid enough to procreate, I believe I’d have boys as chin hairs are a sign of testosterone!)

Had life sorted, but in pieces now (correct I was smack bang in a crack and heroin addiction). Blown my confidence. I’ve done my best. Good chance of rebuilding (yay!! Only for me to fall right back down again) need to be (??) different. Not doing all myself. I’ve done too much. People expect too much. I blame myself. Not my fault. Too unkind to myself. Not my fault.

❤️ 2016 - Application For Rehab

Ah ha! 

Now the blog is restored, I have a heap of draft emails and notes which I’ve saved for new material!

If am I am to make this into a book or film, the more information the better!

2015 is only 3 years ago, yet what I’ve re-read could be someone else’s life! My memory, undoubtedly effected from drug abuse, is so hazy. My well written posts magically transport me right back to the time

It was written.

Here’s my rehab application 

Firstly, I was a massive challenge, as no one else had been addicted to legal Highs like myself. Having to list all the chemicals was a task in its self.

Here’s my list... 7 odd pages 

Longreach’s Applicaton 

I would have answered as follows

Buprenorphine < 1mg

Not that I disclosed but yes. Benzos

Used to have depression and anxiety prior to taking Ritalin. Tried to commit suicide once back then, but danced with the devil around 50 times with legal doses of IV drugs

Theft via finding and criminal damage - cautions 

Stemmed from self medicating ADHD 

Actual form I couldn’t fit my drug use on

❤️ 01st October 2016 - Dear R*** - Email To My Counsellor

The girl who date rape drugged me called me from a new house phone number yesterday which I hadn't blocked. 

She's still telling bear faced lies saying she didn't drug me and it must have been her mirtazapine. What a load of crap, it was wrapped in cling film and looked like a rock. 

She said she sat up all night with me stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Rubbish, she passed out and left me with a racing heart thinking I was about to die.

But she was my friend and it was nice to have someone ringing me. It's kinda hard coz I hate the lies and the bullsh*t, but I do miss having a best friend.

She tried to blame it all on N, which I corrected immediately. She's saying he doesn't want me to have any friends. Which is rubbish.

She put me in a foul mood, especially as it coincided with my Ritalin wearing off.

I can't be her friend anyway. She's still on subbie.

She's doing it as I said I was giving a hair strand test to the police and she's just found out she might be able to get one of her daughters back as the adoption failed. She doesn't want to lose the chance with me prosecuting her for drugging me.

She said she hasn't smoked for 10'weeks and this maybe true-ish as some dealer was wanting to contAct her.

Sorry, no one else to talk to.

Miss you R***

Dear Jay,
There must be a lot of changes to your life right now..and it's easy to feel lonely even if you are surrounded by people. Give yourself plenty of time...be patient and try 'to work' with this ...remember that people there are trying to do their best too, not perfect but there are good intentions. Also , Maybe with time you will consider that friendship again .... or not...
Thinking of you, 
X R***

❤️ 16th March 2015 - Evidence Of iPad Hacked

I’ve found this messed up text in a draft for my blog, on my email.

This happened frequently with my iPads.

Fat Cunt (born from the same parents as I), would take control of the keyboard and type nasty messages to me. Here we can easily see the word suicide and murder included. Which is nice. Yeah, this is what normal people do, when you need their help. The worst thing is how my parents approve of him abusing me. He’s had a dislike for me, for quite a while. Allowing him permission to torment me, when there’s no love inside him in the first place for me, just shows how cruel they really are.

‘Another site stated

'How to remove dermatitis induced by carpet beetles

1) place face in acid

2) petrol and ignite

3) a hot oven'   Do 5).                                  W ) hy!       Feellllingg hhhhhaaaaappy?  I.fff. No......................................

V

.

.uBv,pZpm. Xmbcy.        .v b my.    Sssuinidddde isss.    ,m,urddddder.............z.

Xm

Cb..

.c.

,m..NM..

N.

C.m

...t..hh cuzz,c’

Naturally as I would be typing too, it would result in this disjointed nasty comments, as my input would ultimately effect what was displayed.

What a nasty, nasty piece of shit he is.

❤️ 04th October 2017 - My Detox Plan

Email to my Drugs Team with my detox plan!! I’ve smacked it now!! My only addictions are my scripted medication, buprenorphine and methylphenidate. The former will be reduced and stopped when I do Plymouth. The latter I’ll be on for life!!

Smacked it peeps!

Morning

I'm sure you've caught up with R***. I wanted to explain my situation. I desperately want to start this job on Monday. They already turned me down at the initial interview. I imagine, someone else pulled out. Therefore I don't want to do anything that could be detrimental and jeopardise this opportunity.

I do however, still want a detox, but one that's planned in advance. I was thinking end of November / December for 2 weeks?

I am (at the moment) successfully withdrawing from alcohol.

I've cut down my benzo usage to 30mg max opposed to 80mg (possibly higher on occasions).

My opiate usage is still terrible, but one step at a time.

I plan to withdraw from alcohol this week. Using no more than 30mg diazepam daily. 

I am cutting down daily, yesterday I had one measure of spirit and two largers. 

I then wanted to start this job, still emailing R*** for support and perhaps a weekly catch up with J*** via email, monthly appointment?

Then we can arrange dates in advance for Detox for benzo withdrawal and opiates reduction.

I really need a detox, but I am honestly concerned about my mental stability whilst unemployed. I had concrete intentions to attempt suicide prior to this job offer.

Is this viable? Can we work around this idea? Or do you have another suggestion I could take on board? I really need your help and after receiving a few text messages that caused an anxiety attack I understand why you're not allowed your phone and now welcome the idea! 

Believe me, I would like nothing better than to be locked up, away from temptation and to be looked after right now. I almost ruined my taper and had a drink, with the aforementioned anxiety attack.

My alcohol withdrawal is mild. I felt awful Monday and much yesterday. Bar the craving when upset, physically I feel good. Today I have yet to reach the stage of anxiety or sweats, which again is an improvement.

J*** - May I have an appointment with you this week before I start work to discuss. When will you get my bloods back?

R*** - thanks for your support and telling me how well I'm doing. I am determined and I needed to hear that.

Dr. P - I know you said you'd never arrange another detox for me... but you know there's a little soft spot for me 😀, plus all that duty of care malarkey and I do still want detox! 

Kind regards and thank you all

Jay

❤️ 2017 - My Daily Usage Autumn

I’ve found this record in my email. It was clearly for my DART as it labels everything I was using and has a 2 day record. Shocking, but these days were probably good days as I wasn’t binging on speed.

Cocaine - Intravenous - 2-5 times a week - 0.25g-0.5g 

Buprenorphine - Daily - 4-8mg - my using increased from 2mg to 8mg due to anxiety and me not knowing whether this was due to this or withdrawal 

Diazepam - Daily - 20mg - 100mg - again my using increased due to anxiety 

Temazepam - 10 tablets a month - 20mg

Zopiclone - Daily - 15mg - 60mg

(I was rotating diazepam, zopiclone and temazepam to avoid addiction but that went out the window)

Weed - Most Days - £5 (I don't pay for it)

Heroin - Twice a Month - £5-£10 - occasionally smoked but mainly intravenous 

Crack - 2-4 times a week - £10-£40

Alcohol - Crept up to daily consumption - could be as little as a couple of bottles of low alcohol (4%) cider or as much as 75cl of vodka and 2 bottles of wine. Last couple of weeks I get bad anxiety around midday which is only relieved by drinking

MDMA - once - rectally and a little IV because it was mixed with coke.

Crystal Meth - 0.5g twice

Ethylphenidate - 1g once 

Amphetamine paste - 1g twice 

Adderall - 30 tablets, 10-20mg maybe. Intravenous. The most amazing peace, absence of anxiety, normal feeling in the whole world. Like when I first took methylphenidate. Without the energy methylphenidate provides, just the cool, calm, focused head that can concentrate and doesn't race 

Mephedrone - once - intravenous 

27/09/17

Alcohol - Vodka - 50cl 

Alcohol - Archers - 20cl

Alcohol - Wine - 0.5ltr

Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg

Stimulants- Cocaine - 0.5g IV

Sedatives - Diazepam - 6 x 10mg

Sedatives - Zopiclone - 4 x 7.5mg

Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

28/09/17

Alcohol - Vodka - 35cl

Alcohol - Rose Wine - 75cl

Alcohol - Lambrini - 75cm

Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg

Stimulants - Crack - £25 Smoked

Sedatives - Diarmorphine - £13 IV

Sedatives - Diazepam - 8 x 10mg

Sedatives - Zopiclone - 2 x 7.5mg

Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

1.20pm - First drink 

4.15pm - First benzo

UPDATE 2018 - Only addicted to opiates now... my medication not gear. Oh and Ritalin!

❤️ 25th September 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

I'm in a real mess and I'm really scared.

I've lost everything again R***. 

I've been trying to get a new job for 2 months with no luck which is incredibly

Unusual. 

I'm running out of money.

My family are constantly abusing my privacy and are the catalyst to all this.

I've tried to overdose twice.

I had a seizure on Friday from using too much.

I've ordered stuff off the internet which I should

Be able to overdose on. It hasn't arrived. I may be ripped off and get rubbish. 

Hopefully I'll get a job offer today. Otherwise I don't know how much longer I can continue.

I'm drinking pretty much daily, using pretty much daily. I'm back to my skinny self... I'm not underweight.. but almost.

I'm so broken.

I honestly don't think I can do this game of life for much longer.

X x

HI Jay 

I was not here yesterday. 

It sounds from your e-mail that you are in a place that is very frightening, how did you get there? What is the mess that you mention? What are you afraid of?

I cannot call you, but I will do my best to answer your e-mail, writing is as therapeutic as talking.  I have many appointments today but I will answer you.

R*** x

❤️ 05th October 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

Ok I had a massive binge last night. My arms are black, blue and swollen. I've told J*** I do want Detox... not emergency but soon. I'll pretend at work I'm being taken on a surprise holiday.

Anyway R***, im sooooo excited. I'm viewing 6 brand new houses in Canvey Island, Essex this weekend. All have ensuites!

I'd prefer the cheaper one so I can reduce my mortgage. Well both will result in a reduction, but the former means I can take £10k for fees and also buying new stuff like bedding, towels, pots and pans.

Plus the first has not ONE but TWO walk in wardrobes, which means the spare room can be rented rather than being a dressing room.

I'm so excited about being anonymous. My whole neighbourhood won't judge me based on the lies my parents have spread.

Women will stop staring at me, it'll be back to just men... when I look nice!!

I reckon this is my last chance, so whilst I can't say with congruency I'll be sober, I'm certainly not risking anything for fucking, stupid, sole destroying drugs!!

You might not get rid of me that quickly though. I may stay registered with my doctor for a while as I'm concerned, like in Plymouth, I'll be put on genetic concerta. 

Not only is it weaker, but it's EASILY abused.

You almost need a chemistry degree to extract methylphenidate from concerta.

Tell Dr. P I'm sorry for messing her around. Honestly though I could do this on my own but I can't.

It was so hard admitting that to J***. I hate not being right, and it's only rare that I'm not!!

Love Jay x x 

❤️ 12th December 2017 - Journal - KINDA FREAKY

Ok, as you know, I’m psychic. This is not always an enjoyable gift.

When they’ve been on a campaign to spread lies, I can feel the hate and disgust emitting from strangers where ever I go. This in turn makes me want to stay at home, in this damp house, this in turn, makes me sick.

Also, when people lie... I get the most sickening wave of guilt radiating through me... it’s horrible, as people with ADHD have enough anxiety and guilt naturally, I don’t really need to feel this anymore, due to other people’s anxieties over their piss poor behaviour.

However, I’m still thankfully for my gift. It’s how I read tarot... when I get it right.. well I always get it right.. but when I’m proper smacking a reading say, I get this amazing buzz. Seriously, it makes the feeling you get from the first time you IV heroin or cocaine, so inferior, I cannot begin to explain.

You feel the whole body orgasm (like IV brown) and then the amazing rush and high (like IV coke)... this is the only thing I can liken it to. And can you imagine in real life how I try to explain this feeling without the drug references! 

Anyway, it’s the best high ever. 1000x banging up any substance on earth.

So... here this..

It was just before Xmas and me and N where chilling in the front room.

All of a sudden I say to N

‘Yeah, I fancy some cake’

N looks puzzled

‘Did I mention cake?’

Both of us start thinking. N is first to say

‘I never said anything about cake’

‘Yeah, you’re right, you didn’t’ I replied 

‘I was confused! I was thinking about cake, but I decided I couldn’t be bothered to get it from the kitchen’

‘Yeah, you never said anything about cake... I just got the feeling of cake... I could feel you thinking it’

We we’re both gobsmacked.

So.. this leads me to think.. how I feel people’s feelings when I read cards, is just the start of this ability. After this experience I can see how it would progress. I bet, when we die, we can share information through mind reading. Within a few seconds, we can share our whole life with someone.

It just feels right. And now I can see how it could develop.

So... place your bets people... when we’re dead, I bet, we don’t have to speak to share information with each other!

I don’t care if your Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, atheists, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah Witness, Mormon, or insert other... because I believe we all

Get to go to heaven. Only the real evil nasty people are excluded. My family, Ian Huntley, Jamie B’s s killers, Fred and Rose, Myra.... people like this... well there’s something in between but basically after that they’re given a life where they suffer and they have a chance to be a better person. So it’s nice to know people listed above are doomed for a life filled with starvation, disease, abuse and pain. 

Ok, don’t digress I FUCKING MIND READ!

❤️ 2018 - BLAM HATERS -BLOG RESTORED!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO

Ok, this has taken weeks and weeks.... seriously. Discovered my blog was missing posts... say.... mid December... End of December??

And we’re end of February now...

And I’ve finally done it!!

Blog restored.

Made some interesting discoveries in the process too.

So including this post, I have 

Posts All - 434

Posts Draft - 11

Posts Published - 423

You can knock me down fuckers, but I’m like a Weeble... Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down!!

I must amend my settings in case my unlocked mobile falls into unscrupulous hands. I suspect this could have been a factor in the previous mass exodus of my blog posts.

New material, descriptive stories of events... basically more creative enjoyable posts to come.

I’ll be back on Twitter soon too.

@Gemma_Stalked 

Hit me up.... I’ve got bear followers, you won’t be noticed.

Blam! 

Big love to the lovers

Even bigger love to the haters - you’ve made me the most amazingly determined, conscious, kind, fucking brilliant person I am today.

❤️ Holes In My Needles

Well well well. Glad my New Year’s resolution is to document more crazy shit. But, hey, why wait for the new year.

He’s clear evidence my family are SICK FUCKS. Down below you will see photographs of my relatively new needles.

Due to ethylphenidate wrecking my veins, I have limited options left. So one of my ‘family’s’ games is called ‘Let’s make her works even more dangerous than what they already are’.

Yes, I have the only family in the world who actually make their child’s intravenous drug problem MORE dangerous!!

One of their favourite parts of this game is to get something thin and metal (I assume... paper clip??)?, burn it real hot, and make holes in my needles!!

So I miss around 50% of my hits.

And BUY MORE DRUGS.

Who, with an ounce of sanity makes their kids needles MORE dangerous???

Sick, sick people.

As it is no longer air tight, it’s hard to establish whether you’re in a vein.

So thanks, I’ve had to share someone else’s works now coz of you!!!

UPDATE - I KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS DOING THIS NOW WHICH IS WHY THIS POST WILL BE KEPT IN DRAFT FORMAT FOF THE MEAN TIME. ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 2017

❤️ 2016 - Random Lyrics

Dis can’t phase me 

I’m crazy 

To late to save me 

Fuck recovery

Right now I’m too lazy

Gotta big a big gal, finally leave needle hell, but that’s something 

Is this true?

No misconstrued 

Hate ensued 

After everything else I’ve been thru

I’m made of steel, 

Although I feel, 

shits too real, 

and I’ve been killed

 

God’s on my side, 

he can’t abide their fucked up lies, 

how they’ve implied 

I’m a junkie, 

Guaranteed, 

Public hatred for me 

too an axe to that tree 

disintegrate with their hate

And I’ll use drugs  for ever you see

That pin won’t leave me

Oh I love the face, when I taste 

❤️ My Lyrics - 2015

Ok, for those of you who don’t know, I’ve in the last 5 years, got into spitting.

That’s rapping to hip hop for those who aren’t familiar with the colloquial language.

And, as it happens. I’m not too bad.

Obviously I’m better when I can prepare my lyrics, but  I can freestyle too.

Here’s my lyrics to Eminem’s Mocking Bird. A song which sends stabbing pain through my heart because I wish my daddy still loved me.

‘I know you miss your mum,

And I know you miss your dad,

But they’ve gone, and so has the family you once had.

They can see you cry

And get high

Their solution was to lie

You will never have the truth

Even though you have bear proof 

Started off kinda small

After you had a fall

But you couldn’t make that change 

Soon became a household name 

Sold your soul

To the Sun

To the press 

No longer do you impress 

Now your life is a mess

The solution equals death 

You still hope, you’ll be saved 

You were wrong, drugs you craved

Wanted love, so misbehaved

They got you Sectioned

Still not phased

But now you cannot take much more

You watch them walk, past your door

Looking at their mobile phone

Watching you, sob alone

And you wish they had some shame

Coz they are the cause of your pain

Can’t rewind, but you can change

And be a family once again

I remember back one day when we

We’re in the park

You were there, so was I

But you were acting really dark

So I called out loud your name

But you clearly had no shame

Causing me so damn much pain 

Now you’re doing it again 

I just don’t understand why

I sit here, try not to cry

My solution, to get high

If we speak, then we both lie

I really wish I could understand 

The conclusion to your plan

On my feet I try to stand

You keep hitting, so I land’

My family know this, but should they ever be honest, I’ll sell my house, quit my job and pay for 6 months rehab.

And do it properly.

I’d love my family back.

But I have a feeling, I’ll either commit suicide and my friends will make sure the press get my blog, or I’ll eventually sell my story and go it alone.

Like a optimistic puppy, I still prey and hope they’ll tell the truth.

Deep down, I know their shame and guilt means they won’t.

I miss my mum and dad. From 1981 to 2014.

RIP.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked