❤️ 10th September 2016 - Journal

I don’t want to eat anymore. I need thinness. I want to see bones. The less disgusting fat I have, the less hurt I will have. It’s almost like it’s similar to cannabis or benzos. Fat solvable, and the more fat I have, the longer it will take me to rid my body from the sadness.

I have not one person who truly understands. This is sad. I long to spliff my memories, feelings, questions, to someone who will not only not judge me, but believe me.

Then, they’ll hug me... most likely wiping the tears from my eyes. As the more they listen and believe, the more I disclose. The more I disclose, the more I wish for the life and family I once had. The more I wish, the more my heart aches, reliving the abuse. The more I relive the abuse, the more I want to die.

It’s almost an instinct to run to your mummy. For a split second I feel the urge. Then sadness engulfs me as I remember, it’s my mummy who is doing this.

I long to return to a heavy addiction, which would not only numb my pain, but also serve as a diet aid, allowing me to return to my slim physique.

Drugs not only stop me eating when I’m consuming them, but they also shut up the negative voice. The one who wants me dead. I recon she’s formed an alliance with my family. I hate her. She’s driving me to suicide. Right now I’m very close.

I MUST NOT EAT!

I feel weird today... like I could die any moment. Normally this would be welcomed, but Orion is here right now, purring on my lap. So, this makes me change my determined suicidal thoughts. Although I’m aware they’re getting stronger and stronger.

Today, with R***, I came to the conclusion I am NOT addicted to drugs. My addiction lies with self distraction. 

We spoke about if this drug wasn’t available, what would I do. My replies simply gave substitute after substitute, until we had exhausted drugs. 

When that option was no longer available, my thoughts turned to starvation and self harm. 

R*** came to the conclusion I simply wanted to destroy my life. We already know the catalyst for this behaviour. It stems from always feeling inadequate as a child. 

I wish everyone was like R***. I wish they understood my problens runs much deeper than just taking drugs and getting high. 

My problem is not being good enough. Never achieving perfection. No respite from the negative thoughts in my head.

Drugs give me peace from this negativity, which will ultimately kill me. Starving myself also achieves this. 

I want to get so thin I vanish.

My dad just told me I was on.....

2018 - UPDATE - Unfortunately, like many things my family deem not to be permitted in my life, the rest of this diary entry, and the diary, cannot be found.

Or should I say my ‘psychosis’. Yeah, unlike regular, it loves destroying my written memories of our crazy adventures... almost like it’s real or something... hmmmm

❤️ 15th September 2016 - Journal

Well after more than a few days with hardly any sleep, and the subsequent ‘psychosis’ which I only experience at night, when Sir Cunt-a-Lot is in bed, I finally managed to stop my ‘psychotic’ symptoms.

Just like with opiate withdrawal, I simply Googled ‘olanzapine withdrawal symptoms’ and upon zooming in on ‘insomnia’ ta-da! Psychosis has stopped.

It appears that proving to my erratic psychosis that I may have insomnia for reasons other than doing drugs, it stops.

I don’t know why the sickos do it. I’m under constant surveillance. They can rewind their stupid recording and see I’ve been sat in bed for 4 hours, watching TV, at  most, smoking a spliff, having a drink or popping a benzo (when I could have them).

They can see I’ve certainly not been on stimulants all night.

Finally, they KNOW I HAVE ADHD! They even made a point of telling me I was a poor sleeper as a baby / child.  They’re aware now, this is likely due to my disability, I still have my disability... just if I display any symptoms they don’t like, I’m subjected to their sick abuse.

Nice family eh?? Making me suffer because I had a disability, which results in me struggling to sleep.

Akin to giving a wheel chair user a whack for not standing up!

So sad though. The time, money and energy spent on negativity versus the time, money and energy spent of positivity, shows their true colours.

They are nasty people. 

❤️ 14th September 2016 - Journal

Ate 1000 calories today. The ice cream fucked me up. 300 cals. Although this is super good for me. I can easily do a whole tub in one sitting.

Got 5 hours sleep yesterday. I managed to get my hands on a real Zopiclone (not these fake BS tablets, which I take with so much anticipation, only to still be wide awake, 2 hours later. The absence of heavy limbs is a major give away!), so slept from 12am - 3.30am.

Now, I’m wide awake. And subsequently I’ve eaten an apple with yoghurt. That’s another 100 calories. I feel gross. I cannot have breakfast tomorrow now.

At the moment, antipsychotic withdrawal is killing me. I can’t sleep, and my anxiety is off the chance. I find myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day, desperate to escape the depression, anxiety and attempt to sooth my almost manic behaviour enabling me to sleep.

But I cannot stay on these God awful tablets for ever. We all know my psychosis never existed. I must be the only human who takes antipsyches and still has psychosis!!!

Joys of the nasty, negative, detrimental, soul destroying behaviour actually existing!

But, bar calming me down, which was beneficial when I was banging up speed all day, every day, they don’t do anything positive, bar assist with sleep.

They numb me, I’ve lost my spark... whilst I do not feel the sadness to the extent I should, neither do I feel happiness and joy like I used to.

The quieten down my ADHD... I like my ADHD. It’s mostly, a super power, if utilised correctly.

And then you have the appetite increase! Even when I was super strict with regards to diet and exercise, I’d never dip below 9 stone.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I wake up covered in crumbs. Sometimes I have vague memories of getting food, as if it was a dream. Then I see the empty rappers and / or plates. 

The weight gain is the biggest factor in my decision to stop these God damn tablets.

But, whilst they have all the time in the world, to concoct their nasty little plans of what evil abuse to subject me to next, then spend ZERO hours researching the medications I take, their side effects and the effects of withdawal.

And as this is giving me insomnia, and I can’t sleep... well naturally can’t sleep = drugs = commence the bullshit.

Yes... they’re tormenting me... as I’m withdrawing.

They did it when I withdrew from opiates too. Only stopping when I watched a BBC documentary and another addict (codeine, so an acceptable addict), said she was on day 3 with no sleep, to which to said aloud, well aware I was being monitored, ‘see, she’s going through opiate withdrawal and see can’t sleep either!!!’. Then, as if magic, my ‘psychosis’ stopped.

Yes that’s correct, antipsychotics don’t have any effect,  neither does drug use, as it depends whether psychosis is in the mood. Off my tits on ketamine, tripping like fuck... no psychosis. Drinking and knocking down temazepams... no psychosis. Smoking a spliff... psychosis. Go for a few drinks... psychosis.

I’m asking Dr P about how long this horrible, manic, withdrawal will last, but no reply yet. 

I hope soon, I’m using everything and anything in order to get a snippet of respite from how I feel. 

Right, must exercise and starve tomorrow. I will be a size 6-8 again!!

I AM TOO FAT

I MUST NOT EAT

I AM DISGUSTING

I EAT TOO MUCH

I WANT TO BE SO SKINNY I DISAPPEAR 

I WANT TO DIE

I MUST NOT EAT

I MUST DO MORE EXERCISE 

I MUST BE PERFECT

❤️ 30th September 2016 - Rehab Journal

Why am I writing this shit? I don't know. I'm fucking pissed. A) my Ritalin has worn off B) Kate has contacted me, still lying about giving me a date rape drug. She might be able to get her daughter back and she's shifting it about my threat with the Feds and the hair test. 

I don't belong here. I ain't been abused or lost my kids. I'm just a silly little rich girl who loves drugs. I will always be a junkie, I don't wanna change, just stop opiates.

I like my room mate. C likes Eminem too.

I don't reckon I'll sleep tonight.

Food is on par with Springfield.

It's shit and I want out. 

Can't wait to bang up when I'm out.

Fuck this 

❤️ 01st September 2017 - Journal

Well I can't remember exactly but the 1st and 2nd of September was also horrendous. We must have got a small sample of speed paste one day and some coke the next.

I ended up taking overdoses on both days I think... needless to say due to that my memory is sketchy.

I ended up consuming 100 zopiclone, 75 propranolol and 30 diazepam. Waking up after each day was truly disappointing.

One night we went out and I was stalked by the public on a big scale. They were holding little lights and kept standing in the distance while I sobbed. Then I saw a crowd of people with a police man, obviously a fake police man... as once I approached, they all hid in bushes.

I asked some of the tormentors for cigarette and was given a stick. Sounds like something my brother's girlfriend would do.

I was trying to get to the police station... which was shut. There was also numerous ambulances driving past and stopping near me. I thought I was going to be sectioned so ended up waiting for one... which never came.

Apparently when I came back I was trying to pull my eyebrow ring out thinking it was a scab. N**** had to carry me to bed.

That's all I can remember. I should have wrote this immediately after.

FJ x