❤️ 31st August 2017 - Journal

Well today was truly a day from hell. Ordered some mephedrone just to try it. Well it certainly wasn't as good as the reviews. 

It was supposed to be an amazing mix of a long lasting  

cocaine and ecstasy.

It was nothing but speed.

And then my parents started their fun and games. And what makes this really sad, is N started doing things to make it all worse. I kept locking the doors and windows. Then I'd find the door open but pushed closed so it didn't look like it was open, but looked like it was shut. Then I found him in the bedroom with my big window open. Then when I suggested we stayed in in the front room, he stopped by the kitchen and made a face which appeared to be a person. We went out for a fag and I starts to started walk. He was insistent on going petrol station and when I agreed he immediately went to pull out this mobile, to wha I assume was to text someone. At the petrol he went over to some car and that I It..,. I bolted.

During the day we saw about 7 people in Power Ranger costumes which were shiny gold. I saw a black dude and said 'yes black dude!'and he fist pumped me back. Then there was the yellow 'alien type people in costumes who stool beneath some yellow leaves in my view. Ran upstairs and they had vanished. The extent my family have gone to, to make me feel I'm mad, destroys me. I never get this anywhere but their house and my house, plus the surrounding areas. I've banged up 10 times what I used last night in other areas and I've had NO psychosis. 

Then last night I ran off crying and say loads of people with lights. I made sure I told them the truth.!

❤️ June 2015 - Once Upon a Time - The Binge Part 4

‘Caught out!' I sang to J**** as he came back into the room in the style of Usher. 

'You're a Junkette, actor, set up to be friend me'

'What?'

'You're not the first'

I explained that I had come across 'Junkettes' before, how they had a natural immunity to intravenous drug use, unlike most strange junkies, I sensed no danger in their aura.

I promptly left and within 5 minutes bumped into N****. He never came to Upper Tulse Hill, so I knew this was set up for me.

'Hi' I said

'Hi, what you doing here'

'Just smoking some crack'

He changed direction and, with me, walked back to his house. Clearly only there to meet me otherwise he would have carried on.

We headed back to his flat and began out mantra-esq routine of banging up speed and doing tweaking actions.

Me writing my blog, making up spits, which is rap tunes and playing with my tarot cards. N**** playing on his phone, play station and house work (well not really house work, but things that needed to be done in the house).

It wasn't long until I was again accused of having a mystery man and kicked out again. N**** had given me an old Apple Mac for my birthday and had already taken it back the previous night I was kicked out, yet again he took it from me. 

'I've got no phone, no iPad, nothing. Least let me take it to communicate with'

N**** ignored my pleas but didn't prevent me taking it. 

I bought two cans of spirit and mixer from the offie and headed back to Brockwell Park.

'Hey!! Come and drink with us!!'

A gorgeous mixed race guy called out to me.

'Ummm, maybe in a bit. I just wanna have a drink first' I replied.

'Come on, we're getting a smoke and some pills'

'Serious, I ain't feeling it babes. Just let me have a drink first'

The georgous guy kept begging but I kept walking.

I headed to a shaded spot near a fenced off over grown section and sat down. I opened one of the drinks and began to sort through the Apple Mac laptop.

It wasn't long till Mr Georgous came over.

'Why won't you join us for a drink'

'I will in a bit. I'm just a bit stressed. Wanted to have a drink or two. Not feeling sociable'

'Come on babes. T***'s gone to get a smoke and some pills'

'Now a pill!! That is tempting. Can I buy one? Haven't had a decent pill in ages'

'Sure' then he called 'T***!' to a park bench looking guy passing complete with a can of Special Brew. The guy stopped and sauntered over.

'Hey can you get a pill for..' he looked at me 'I didn't get your name?'

'J****' I replied 

'Urrrr I don't know about that mate'

'I'll pay' I added

'Come on mate' Mr Georgous chipped in.

'Yeah yeah, ok then' he then turned to me 'pass me that can, I've got some gear to smoke'

He pulled out a brown herb type plant. Similar to weed. Mr Georgous squashed the can and made some holes in it. In turn we all had a toke. 

'Shit, that stinks!' I exclaimed

'Dead man's leg, it's known as' and it really did stink of dead rotting flesh. In the busy park I took a toke and suddenly my head was spinning. 

It was a hallucinogenic and suddenlya face appeared on the tree in the distance. I felt dizzy and a little sick. I was  glad I only had one small toke.

'Come over and chill with us' Mr G asked again.

'I have to go Boots but I'll be back in an hour. Will you still be here'

'Yeah, we'll come Boots with you'

'I have to go Colliers Wood. I'll meet you back here. I want a pill. Ain't had a decent one in years. You're definitely getting some right?'

'Sure' and upon saying that N**** suddenly appeared walking through the gate. I quickly hit up in my hand, keeping it in my bag. I struggled to get a clean hit and was annoyed. I no longer cared about hiding my habit. Injecting myself in a packed park mid afternoon in Mr G's presence. Again he was not phased, shame, another Junkette. Only wanting my attention as he'd been instructed to get it. Not because he found me attractive or anything.

N**** was still furious and he marched over at light speed upon seeing my male company. The argument followed, N**** shouting and snatching the laptop. Mr G. intervened and calmed him down.

'I've got light at mine and I'm getting some dark' and being the typical junkie I  am it wasn't long until I left the park and went back to N****’s for a blaze.

'I'll see you later' I called to Mr G. who was reluctant to let me go.

We decided to walk to Tulse Hill and get some brown. This would remove the need for me to make the journey to Colliers Wood. 

TBC

❤️ June 2015 - Once Upon a Time - The Binge Part 2

As I left N****’s block, I was relieved it was a warm night.

I was still unsteady from my Oh Shit dose of ethylphenidate I had just banged up in the rubbish room at the bottom of the block. I wouldn't need to reload for another 4 hours or so.

My heart beat began to slow down as I walked towards Brockwell Park, my home for the night.

My family had clearly predicted this and already set up camp for tonight's Oscar winning performance of Psychosis by Mum and Dad. I shouldn't be so damn predictable. (The following day I found numerous sleeping bags and camping equipment in the bushes to validate this weird shit isn't psychosis but all a huge act)

I walked up the road where I knew there was a wooden fence, making the park easily accessible. Just like the American stereo types, proper 101 Dalmatians style, there was a 6 foot, iron, spiked fence around the majority of the park.

Here I could climbed the fence easily and access the park, now locked up.

Upon jumping over I was soon greeted by not one, but two, Grim Reapers. White Scream type masks and long black cloaks. I saw them slowly walk in my direction.

I immediately ran towards them, and hysterically they both turned and ran for their lives. I have never seen anything more hysterical than death, trying to spook me, only to turn and run like a pair of chickens, from an 8 stone / 112lbs skinny, female.

I wanted to catch them, but realised my phone had gone. I stopped and turned to look for it. If the people in the park were a figment of my imagination, there was no one present to take my phone.

It had gone however. This was planned. The person who took it answered all calls but mine, promising to return the phone. Phone-less I couldn't record any of their bullshit, transfer money to the account I had a cash card for (my psychosis includes stealing 8 cash cards and 7 SIM cards), contact anyone bar my parents, so basically making my survival without my parents impossible. I'm 34 not 14 by the way.

Unable to find my phone, from the straight line I had run, in the empty park I decided to find some bushes with light, enabling me to bang up again. As I turned to walk up the hill a line of 50 or so, people were walking in the distance.

Boo hoo! They never approached me. So I didn't give a shit. You see, unlike real psychosis, mine was not terrifying, scary nor frightening. Mine was fucking annoying, and only within the realm of human possibility.

No one flew, no Satan in my face, no scary shadows. The only voices I heard were my family. Unlike everyone else there were no voices saying 'kill yourself', 'stab them' or 'jump'. I only heard my brother reading my phone text messages or blog. 

I never used to get psychosis or as I like to say bothered / tormented at N****’s.  Never at my girlfriend's and we banged up loads. Apart from hearing and seeing my father, brother and his girlfriend from my bedroom window, nothing at Springfield and I used a hell of a lot in there. A gram of speed intravenously, benzos and a couple of splifs daily.

So I headed towards the line of boring fuckers who had nothing better to do than torment someone with a drug addiction, ultimately making them use more, opposed to doing something positive which would help me.

I walked into some thick bushes heading as far in as possible. I had learnt to do this as if anyone actually approaches me,

I'll hear them break branches and push past bushes. This helped me determine if the voices I heard were actual people or coming from carefully planted speakers.

Yes speakers! My family have gone to grave detrimental detail to try make me believe I'm mad. Sad as ADHD treatment would have reduced if not stopped my drug abuse, helped me, not destroyed my life and I'd probably be clean now.

So much negativity for someone who needed just one person to reach out and help her. Due to my two failed detoxes where the doctor removed my meds, knowing that was my reason for admittance, only ensured the abuse continued. As I failed, my family decided further positive help should not be given, but full steam ahead on trying to make our sane daughter think she's mad. So so terribly sad. I'll never think I was mad. Unless my father tells the truth I'll never forgive or love him again.

So, with the bushes and branches creating a barrier, I ignored my parents voices from the speakers, knowing they were no where near me. Using the moon light, another reason stealing my phone was vital, I used my bag to make a  tourniquet and removed the syringe I had, Blue Peter style, made earlier.

Soon, dawn began to approach, so I headed back towards where I lost my phone desperately trying to retrieve it.

Walking back and forth, I noticed the park warden and hid in the bushes. He opened the gate.

I continued my search when a male with a heavy rucksack walked through the gate. 

'Hey, what you doing here?' He asked

'Trying to find my phone. You?'

'Just finished work'

'Can you help me look?'

Little did I know he was a Junkette, planted by my parents with average acting skills.....

To be continued in part 3