❤️ ADHD Part 1

Imagine waking up each day to a whirlwind of energy. One in your head. One just below your rib cage.

The chaos in your head is present all day. You have no reasonable trail of thoughts. 'Where's my keys', 'that wall needs painting', 'oh there's a squirrel', 'what was I looking for again', 'oh no I have a work meeting', 'oh yeah my keys', 'great I'm running late now', 'here's the keys', 'Oyster Card'.... my thoughts are bizarre and flit from topic to topic. 'Imagine if I went back to Shakespeare's time and tried to explain text abbreviations', 'I feel like a Victorian collecting my cocaine (Ritalin) and opiates (buprenorphine) from a pharmacy'... my colleagues got used to my conversations which would start as if we had already been discussing the subject for an hour. 

My head constantly races. As I child I had a speech impediment. I stuttered badly. This was because my mouth could not keep up with the speed of my head.

If it's not racing.... and I'm not interrupting you (or fidgeting) don't fall for the pretence that I'm actually listening to you... I've zoned out. I'm away with the fairies. This is the only time I've noticed my fidgeting stops. I'm mainly hyperactive ADHD, so these moments are fleeting and brief. 

My racing head never stops. As a child I always struggled to sleep due to it. So discovering a substance aged 13 which did slow my head down and allow me to sleep, was the start of my journey to drug addiction.

Then ball of energy in my stomach, is filled with anxiety. It causes me to constantly move. Unless I'm hyper focused which I'll go into later. Unless I'm holding the meeting, therefore doing all the talking, I have never sat in a meeting for longer than 30-45 minutes without getting up to 'go to the toilet' which I honestly didn't need. I just needed to get up. In all my GCSEs and ALevel exams I excused myself to use the toilet.

In rehab I had 210 counselling group sessions. I never made it through a single one without getting up. 

I try to bounce my leg up and down. Reason being, if I keep my legs still, my arms will move. And then my jewellery will make noise, thus proving more distracting. I will frantically twist my hair. If someone dares points out my annoying quirk, it just creates more anxiety and more movement.

In one of my jobs, it was notorious for bad retention as it was chaotic. My predecessor managed 2 years but prior to that, no one passed the 6 month mark. I was there for 7 years.

Coordinating 400'students, their DBS checks, 300 employers and their health and safety paperwork and 20 tutors, suited my ADHD just fine. Sending an email whilst on the phone... easy. Constant distraction during tasks.. perfect. I know it's a disability, but it has a few superpowers. But you need to harness them.

I am anally organised. As I was diagnosed so late, i had to be. Bump into me when I'm 20 seconds away from my desk and ask me to do something... I'll forget. Staff quickly learnt if they wanted me to do something they needed to send me an email. It would sit in my inbox until I had actioned it, then it was deleted. 

I'm either stupidly early, or 5-15 mins late. I'll be getting ready and then get distracted. 

People are constantly annoyed as I just blurt things out while they are talking. I sometimes even pinch my lips when I'm aware I'm doing this. 

I always rush around. I can't dawdle, the energy inside me doesn't allow it. 

I have only found the ability to truly relax when I've smoked weed, drunk alcohol, taken a benzo or opiates.

I'm pretty such I'll rely on weed for the rest of my life to relax. It's the less detrimental of the substances listed above. 

I cannot queue.... hopefully the post office will be messy so I can tidy the leaflets. Otherwise I'll be moving the signs and messing with the queue belts. 

Driving... really I should forget driving. The level of anger at other people's stupidity makes me quite a dangerous driver. Thankfully I've never caused an accident bar the occasional gentle bump to the driver in front (never causing damage... that's why cars have bumpers which is a sentence I've used several times. One bloke was so nasty and aggressive after going home and checking there was absolutely no damage he left a rather sheepish voicemail apologising... admittedly I was skinning up a b spliff at the time which is why I didn't brake in time). 

Crowds also cause me anxiety. I generally avoid Brixton between 3-7pm due to the crowds. I can't walk at the speed I feel comfortable, I can't control the slow people, the ones who just stop in he middle of the pavement for no reason... 

The urge to talk and move are out of my control. I cannot control it anymore than someone with Tourette's  can control their ticks. And just like people with Tourette's, if you mention either, it only gets worse.

While I love the ability to do 3 things at once, the energy, excelling in situations other people find distracting and the perceived confidence I give off with my manic chatting, I HATE having ADHD. 

Unlike Tourette's, people don't understand it. Including my own family. My mother had told me before not to say ADHD is a disability... but if it wasn't, would I be where I am now?!

There was a girl with Tourette's on the tube recently, and each time she ticked, unlike everyone else, my head automatically turned to look. I couldn't stop it! I noticed in rehab that I automatically look when I see or hear anything distracting.

I am blessed with a high IQ. Aged 7 I regularly completed the Mensa puzzles in the Sun. Even to a point my father offered to pay for me to be a member. This is the only reason why I've fumbled through life reasonably. I think the statistics are around 80% of prisoners have ADHD. 

I still don't read properly. I race through books missing many words. It takes a lot of concentration to sit and read each word in my head.

My ADHD also encompasses OCD. This was noted on my assessment. Not to the point where I'll get physically distressed if you move an object... but I have a need to be the best. And EVERYTHING does have a correct place it need to be. And an order. My wardrobe has to be warmest coats to coolest jackets. Then dresses, then work trousers, then jeans, then track suits, then big chunky jumpers and cardigans, then plain vest and t-shirts, then plain jumpers and small cardigans, then going out tops, then small hoodies, then strapless tops, then shorts and skirts in order of length. Knickers and bras in one draw. Socks and tights in the next, belts and accessories after that, then scarves and winter hats, then bikinis, then party stuff and fancy dress. 

My cutlery has to be spoons, knives, forks and then tea spoons.

My stationary has to be separated in to pencils, pens, highlighters and felt tips. 

Even the bottles (ornaments types) have to be in height order. And once I move my CDs and DVDs will be alphabetical.

Shelves, clocks and pictures have to be centred and measured not just once, nor twice, but three times (thanks dad!)

Every appointment has to be put in my calendar.

Being perfect is the aim. Knowing I am being watched and most likely constantly criticised only makes me even more anxious.

I hate answering the phone from people I don't know. Emails are better for me. I rarely answer calls I don't know. Again anxiety.

I constantly stress about whether I've turned my hair straighteners off, or locked my door.

I NEVER get respite. My mother used to say I was a worrier as a child... no, I had chronic anxiety as a child. 

So discovering weed was the start to my road to addiction hell. It calmed my mind. I could finally chill and relax... but it also made me lazy and gain weight.

Then I discovered stimulants. While I still had bounds of energy, I could finally concentrate. I would actually finish a job or project I started. My thoughts had a natural trail, from talking about work, to taking about my colleagues, to talking about something I could relate to from my colleagues. No longer did every noise, flash of light or movement force my head to turn.

All the tasks which gave me chronic anxiety (dealing with my post for example) were complete with ease.

Whilst of course the stimulartory properties gave me energy and made me very talkative, my head was at peace.

One of my jobs, the first year I was addicted to crack and heroin. Nobody guessed a thing. When I was clean and getting stressed at my workload which had increased to unmanageable levels, people thought I was on drugs.

Caffeine, another example, if I drink too much I get drowsy. I won't sleep, but I'm drowsy.

When I was first prescribed Ritalin it was magic. It was like smoking crack all day without the come down and fiending for more. My dad was being a dick and I didn't explode. My mother always thought I didn't have ADHD until that day.

Now... i need Ritalin to feel nornal. Just like an opiate addict no longer getting high from opiates... I cannot get out of bed without it.

I purchased Adderall and the magic returned. Calm, anxious free head. It didn't have the energy boost methylphenidate has, but my head was normal.

In the U.K. There's only two amphetamine based drugs. The controls release one didn't work on me and my ADHD psyche refused to let me have the instant release, although I had completed rehab and was clean. The deterioration of the effect from Ritalin and the fact I was still heavily judged on my past and not allowed a medicine which may have worked is part of my downfall.

The worst thing is, as now I've experience a normal head... I want it more than anything!! I haven't had a break from my Ritalin In a while, but Sunday I've promised myself one.

Oh yeah, I forgot... hyper focus... if I'm super interested in something I will obsess and obsess. I played the SIMs once for 18 hours with no breaks.

So there's ADHD in a nut shell. It's exhausting, relentless, constant and the cravings I get to use stimulants aren't like normal cravings which last an hour and go... they get worse and worse until I give in and use.

ADHD is a disability. I certainly would not be a junkie mess if I didn't have it.

Please take my condition seriously.

My head doesn't produce dopamine. My meds (and stimulants) do.. Diabetics don't produce insulin. Their meds do. What's the difference?

Bless. Jay x

❤️ Bio - From Birth To 16

Found this in my email draft box. Clearly it was written for a reason. I don't know what now.

* Born 16th June 1981

* Brother was born 19th April 1984. It soon became apparent he was my mother's favourite, which I longed to be. I was my nan's (father's side) favourite as she had two boys. Even she noticed the unfair treatment. Frequently I was reprimanded for his mistakes and trouble. However we got on well u till he was 21 and got with his current girlfriend.

* At school it was quickly noted I was intelligent, but disruptive. I was above average without putting any effort in

* I was bullied from 5-10, for having sticky our ears. Aged 10 I had them pinned back.

* Aged 7 I was completing the Mensa puzzles in the newspapers

* Aged 9 I had further confirmation of my mother's preference for  my brother. I found her diary and read an entry saying 'I think Daniel will pass his karate grading and Gemma will fail'. The following week simply stated 'Gemma passed Daniel failed'

* Aged 10-17 I did karate and was a black belt. I fought for England three times, and won a gold and two silver medals. I was also the girls national fighting champion. And captain of the girls team fighting champion. I eventually gave up karate aged 17 due to the fact I had began to dabble in drugs. People were randomly selected for drug testing during the competitions.

* One of the instances where it was apparent I was not my mothers favourite child, was when we visited some friends in Newcastle. We arrived late and was staying in a bungalow. We entered the room which you were able to walk through and lead on to a further room. Thinking there was another room at the end my mother quickly said 'this is where Gemma will sleep'. Upon entering the other room we discovered it was a cold draughty conservatory with nothing but an old sofa. My mother quickly added 'no this is where Gemma will sleep Daniel will have the other room'. We could have easily topped and tailed in the proper bed. However I was placed on the old sofa with nothing to keep me warm bath my father's jacket.

* I am well travelled and have been to Minorca, Majorca, Tenerife, Furtenvetura, Costa Brava, Costa Dorada, Costa Del Sol, Rhodes, Crete, Corfu, Cyprus, Marmaris, Bodrum, France, Germany, Prague, Portugal, Dublin, Cork, Florida, Dominican Republic.

* Aged 11 I began to gain weight and was bigger then my friends. Not big by today standards. I was also bullied for this as well as being spotty from 11-13

* By high school I was frequently in trouble for my behaviour. I was often told my behaviour was erratic. I would finish my work quickly and get top grades, but then I would distract the rest of the class from completing their work. I spent a lot of time outside of the classroom is due to this.

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

Www.Thefamousjunkie.Blogspot.Com 

❤️ Introduction - April 2015

From my hand written diary.... 

If you’re reading this and you’re not my privacy denying family and I’m either...

Famous 🤩, Published 🤑, or Dead ☠️

YOU know ‘some’ of the things my parents did under the guise of ‘psychosis’

Psychosis 🤪 By Mum 👵🏻 & Dad 👴🏻

Notes, memories, tarot readings from a time when I needed help and no one came.

But I’m sure you’re unaware of the full length of TORTURE I was subjected to from my ‘loved’ ones. 

I cannot even fully detail their ‘Prisoner of War’ style torture, for fear of being Sectioned.

I HAVE NO FAMILY 

How My Family Made Me Mad, Glad & Bad! - She'll be so crazy she’ll need more drugs to cope!

Jay - a rather successful person, trip and falls after losing her car, her home, being bullied at work, finding out the mother she used to love had cancer and losing her beloved pet. 

Her family decide sectioning her is the most successful way to ensure she refrains from intravenous ethylphenidate use.

Instead of helping her reach sobriety their actions make her so miserable her using sky rockets. And this is her story. 

Methylphenidate was snatched from me under cruel, unfair circumstances. Ethylphenidate, like its prescription only cousin, is a short acting stimulant. At the height of my addiction I was using between 1-3 grammes, intravenously, where I'd bang up 1/10th a gramme to 3/10th a gramme per hit. I'd do this from 10 to 20 times per day as my tolerance, combined with it's length of action, meant it lasted no more than an hour.

Waking up sober and indeed the numerous times during the day I faded back to sobriety, yet still suffering from their cruel actions under the guise of  psychosis, only drove me to use far more drugs. At least double the amount I used when I was able to use in peace. My useage was upped by 50% easily due to their action. Ultimately they are the reason why I lost my Concerta script resulting in the same consequences too. I was so addicted at one point I was unable to arise from my bed without hitting up first.

So enjoy my decent to hell.

This blog contains information from my iPad and subsequent phone emails, journals in notes and finally diaries and has been collated since my 20’s at the start of my drug addiction, declining to crack and heroin addiction. My brief moments of relative recovery and then my final decline when I hit rock bottom during my legal

High addiction which progressed to intravenous drug use.

The more you read the more you will understand why my psychiatrist was quick to get me two urgent drug detox admissions and the subsequent week’s admission in Springfield mental hospital.

The sad thing is, my parents actions only insured my drug use skyrocketed. Instead of showing me love and researching addiction, they turned their backs on me and researched psychosis in an attempt to recreate something a brain creates through sheer horror. 

I always have suffered from mental health. My ADHD was not diagnosed until my 30’s. Treated 32. I had suffered crippling addiction problems by this age. Self medication of my ADHD began at 13. These destructive habits were deeply engrained now. It would require a lot more than 10 days in detox to undo the damage all ready done.

At first it was cannabis and alcohol. They would soothe my hyper ADHD brain and enable to me sleep. From 16 was smoking cannabis daily.

Whilst it calmed my ADHD it also made me lazy. So my discovery of ecstasy and cocaine, it’s effect on my dopamine receptors was all I needed to quickly become addicted. This meant I was no longer relying on weed, which means no bingeing and being lazy. In fact I wouldn’t eat at all. 

However I could hold articulate conversations. I didn’t go off on a tangent. I could organise things, tidy, deal with paper work. I was efficient and effective.

The come downs where crushing. The misery, which whilst cocaine was generally a day, ecstasy could have you feeling blue all week.

Mind you, dropping from 12 stone (168lbs / 76.2kgs, to 8.7lbs (119lbs / 53.2kgs).

After ecstasy and cocaine was crack and heroin. I only ever smoked b in a spliff and crack was never injected. I did max out two  £10,000 credit cards and new I had to make some changes.

So, I kinda got clean. I changed to subutex, an opiate replacement like methadone. And changed to £60-£100 crack a week. Much better than £700 a week.

Then, whilst almost within reach of my Ritalin script, methylphenidate... the temptation to buy the legal high ethylphenidate was too consuming to ignore. I purchased it, along with numerous legal highs (I have easily take the over a 100 Drugs in my life... I must list them!)

You can find the majority of them listed in the ‘List of Drugs I’ve Tried’

The loss of my normal Concerta increased my self-medicating to daily.

If I am unable to get my Concerta prescription reinstated I will definitely purchase Ethylphenidate’s new replacement and revert back to self-medicating.

The events depicted in this blog are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental

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JayElle Famosjunkey

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs 

❤️ 03rd November - Journal

Well I had my ADHD appointment. I was refused my 'normal' methylphenidate, aka Ritalin due to the fact I've had psychosis before and may have it again.

That's really shit, because I never had psychosis, my parents were being sneaky, over whelming, psychopathic freaks and filming me. I also suffered with an allergy to some kind of mite. Like dust mites.

Ritalin makes me normal and stops me using drugs as I no longer get any high from cocaine or crack when I'm on it. I also get motivation, concentration, I do all the jobs I hate to normally do. 

I will never forgive A = myself and B = my parents, for fucking my methylphenidate script up.

They've put me on atomoxetine instead which is like an antidepressant. It takes 6 weeks to work (verses immediate action) and the side effects are horrendous. I sleep for 18 hours like a cat, I'm zombie-fied, I just stare into space out of it. It stops my appetite, gives me a tummy ache, makes me lazy and not bothered.

I'm trying to withdraw from my buprenorphine and really cut back with the drug use, tell MDART I've stopped using, so hopefully the ADHD doctor will switch me to methylphenidate.

The only problem is that means no cannabis, but the atomoxetine stops me eating, I can only eat when I get weed munchies. 

Maybe being super skinny will help me get my meds switched. Knowing my luck I'll stay relatively clean, lie to MDART and when I see ADHD doctor she'll credit my non-using to the atomoxetine, not my desperate attempts to get Ritalin back.

I have to get skinny. I have to prove this medication isn't right for me. I'd rather no medication than this medication. The only positive is I'm not hyper, but that's only because I'm so monged off it.

I'm also having anxiety over going and finding work. As I'm not getting the methylphenidate I'm not going rehab, so I need to find a job. And quick. Can't move back home otherwise.

In tempted to sell my story to a magazine or newspaper. I think Closer pays £5,000 for a good story. That way at least I could buy a car and get mobile again.

Advice appreciated if anyone is out there!!

Stress, sad (did I mention sad, meds make me feel sad too), anxious 

Jay

❤️ 05th August 2015 - Journal

Today I am grateful for my readers. Thanks for giving me the time of day. Hearing my side, and then judging me. Understanding I have ADHD and like 80% of unmedicated adult sufferers, I self medicate. For trying to walk in my shoes and see I'm only human. Realise I'm not a bad person. In fact I'm very kind, non judgmental, congruent and caring. 

Dear Universe,

For everyone who hasn't formed a negative opinion of me from a one sided story please ensure they get kindness, love and caring back to them.

God, Allah, Budda and all Bless you 

❤️ 28th January 2015 - Dear R*** - Email To My Counsellor

It's at times like these when I actually feel any kind of negativity towards my saviour, methylphenidate.

It's a well known fact, methylphenidate or as you may be more familiar, Ritalin, calms the brain of an ADHD sufferer. It's also used as a sedative. I myself, enjoy my last dose of legal cocaine around 9pm,,and regularly drift into a deep slumber before 11.

Whilst the actions of Doctor B*****, halving my daily dose, have been negative as I now use half the time and take my meds half the time, I am grateful for my prescription.

It offers a break from the chaos not only present in my head due to ADHD, but it means my parent created psychosis, calms down a bit.

Small pleasures 

J

❤️ 07th July 2015 - REHAB! They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

And I said YES! YES! YES!

Finally I've had my interview with rehab guy. It's gonna take 4-8 weeks to get it sorted. I have to go to a dual diagnosis rehab due to my ADHD. The rehab guy said he would make sure I could take my methylphenidate AKA Ritalin there as some won't let you take any medications.

Having my methylphenidate is crucial. I want to learn to live prescribed with it in a controlled environment so when I'm out coping without drugs should be easier.

I'm praying to God I get my script back. I don't think it'll be worth going otherwise as I can just see myself using again.

My ADHD was awful today. My head felt like it wanted to explode. Staying still was  impossible. Due to me wanting to give stimulant free urine tests, I haven't smoked for 5 days. I have never used so little in my whole drug using life.

My psychiatric nurse asked me to describe my ADHD as she too noticed it was very predominant this afternoon. I explained it was like a kettle which could only be switched off with using stimulants. So I use, kettle switches off and cools down. Next day it's still cool. Day after it begins to boil. Day after that it's boiling but can't be switched off without using.

My head wanted to explode this afternoon. Yes I've had a smoke now, so will have a couple of OK days.

Heard my Bessie detox mate's in the nick for drink driving! She's terrible for doing that. When I'm with her, I offer to drive. I hardly drink so only have a glass. She's drinking from waking.

It's so sad, detox won't have her back as she broke the DVD player, poured someone's coke all over the floor (blamed me! Yes I was pissed at the time, specially since I was bullied so badly because of it), and stired shit by slagging everyone off behind their backs.

Thankfully she sent a text admitting it to another resident who told the truth to spare me.

So they've refused to readmit her. She keeps trying to overdose. I'm scared she'll end up locked up in the nut house.

If you've read my experiences you'll know there's no help whatsoever in those places. The nurses are too busy dealing with the real crazy people to even converse with those who are sane of mind.

You're ignored, locked away and will only deteriorate.

Mental institutions are NOT suitable for those suffering drug addiction.

The Mental Health Code of Practice states when detained the reason for your detainment must be addressed. I got no treatment for ADHD, addiction, drug abuse or therapy for my psychosis created by mum and dad. Even though mine wasn't real, it still wasn't addressed.

Seriously, people who abuse drugs and overdose need detox and rehab. The nut house is only for people who talk to Jesus, know the Queen and worship Satan.

Never try to get someone who is mentally capable but suffering metal illness sectioned.

It's ruined me. Bye bye career! Drugs detox, not to bad. But mental enough to be sectioned... I don't think my career in education project management will be resurrected. 

Anyway please wish me luck on getting my script back! I want to be normal, and have only refrained from drug abuse when on Ritalin.

Love and bless

J x

❤️ 09th May 2015 - Journal

Well I'm broken. I don't know how the fuck they've threatened N.  I can think with a hefty prison sentence for reasons I'm not disclosing.

He won't even stand up and say your parents have interfered at mine which is why your now having psychosis at mine.

This means the outcome will be disappear or death.

No psychosis until my ADHD appointment = Live

No psychosis until rehab = live

After rehab lies = disappear 

Truth = make a new life 

I have a feeling I'll have to go as my family will be too ashamed of their actions to be honest.

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

I have returned to Springfield as instructed to take my Victorian Pharmacy opiates, buprenorphine. I must return tomorrow at 10am to be seen and officially discharged, by the consultant. I am currently on a section 2. 

I kindly have a section 17 implemented allowing me two nights of freedom.

From buzzing the door buzzer I'm swamped with misery and depression. I get flash backs to when my counsellor R*** and my social worker C******* brought me.

R***’s previous congruency has vanished Paul Daniel's style. Gone was the honesty which encouraged me to accompany her to the nut house. Instead she kept repeating that I mentioned there had been a larger than normal helicopter presence in my life. Apparently no helicopters are involved. I just seem to suffer an awful paranoia inducing coincident. Maybe I have a gravitational pull.

However R*** is a liar. I'm hurting real bad helicopters or no helicopters.

I have no privacy and my mummy and daddy think this is appropriate behaviour when dealing with a child who, at aged 33, should be able to do what the fuck they chose.

I hate you. I'll never love you. If I want to inject shit leave me alone to do it. Sabotaging my attempts only increase my drug use.

Seriously the treatment I've endured you would think I was a prisoner of war. A terrorist. A mass murderer. A baby raper.

But I'm far from it. I'm just someone who self medicates their ADHD.

My family are the ones who are sick in the head, not me. I'm kind, I live with karma in mind. I rescue animals. Help people. 

They need sectioning, not me.

My parents decided to create psychosis.  They’re the ones who need sectioning not me. 

They are sick. Psychosis is created in your mind through sheer terror.

My parents have made a nightmare, areality

 

They took a nightmare and made it reality, when helping me would have ended this hell we're all living. 

My parents decided to create psychosis 

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked