The chaos in your head is present all day. You have no reasonable trail of thoughts. 'Where's my keys', 'that wall needs painting', 'oh there's a squirrel', 'what was I looking for again', 'oh no I have a work meeting', 'oh yeah my keys', 'great I'm running late now', 'here's the keys', 'Oyster Card'.... my thoughts are bizarre and flit from topic to topic. 'Imagine if I went back to Shakespeare's time and tried to explain text abbreviations', 'I feel like a Victorian collecting my cocaine (Ritalin) and opiates (buprenorphine) from a pharmacy'... my colleagues got used to my conversations which would start as if we had already been discussing the subject for an hour.
My head constantly races. As I child I had a speech impediment. I stuttered badly. This was because my mouth could not keep up with the speed of my head.
If it's not racing.... and I'm not interrupting you (or fidgeting) don't fall for the pretence that I'm actually listening to you... I've zoned out. I'm away with the fairies. This is the only time I've noticed my fidgeting stops. I'm mainly hyperactive ADHD, so these moments are fleeting and brief.
My racing head never stops. As a child I always struggled to sleep due to it. So discovering a substance aged 13 which did slow my head down and allow me to sleep, was the start of my journey to drug addiction.
Then ball of energy in my stomach, is filled with anxiety. It causes me to constantly move. Unless I'm hyper focused which I'll go into later. Unless I'm holding the meeting, therefore doing all the talking, I have never sat in a meeting for longer than 30-45 minutes without getting up to 'go to the toilet' which I honestly didn't need. I just needed to get up. In all my GCSEs and ALevel exams I excused myself to use the toilet.
In rehab I had 210 counselling group sessions. I never made it through a single one without getting up.
I try to bounce my leg up and down. Reason being, if I keep my legs still, my arms will move. And then my jewellery will make noise, thus proving more distracting. I will frantically twist my hair. If someone dares points out my annoying quirk, it just creates more anxiety and more movement.
In one of my jobs, it was notorious for bad retention as it was chaotic. My predecessor managed 2 years but prior to that, no one passed the 6 month mark. I was there for 7 years.
Coordinating 400'students, their DBS checks, 300 employers and their health and safety paperwork and 20 tutors, suited my ADHD just fine. Sending an email whilst on the phone... easy. Constant distraction during tasks.. perfect. I know it's a disability, but it has a few superpowers. But you need to harness them.
I am anally organised. As I was diagnosed so late, i had to be. Bump into me when I'm 20 seconds away from my desk and ask me to do something... I'll forget. Staff quickly learnt if they wanted me to do something they needed to send me an email. It would sit in my inbox until I had actioned it, then it was deleted.
I'm either stupidly early, or 5-15 mins late. I'll be getting ready and then get distracted.
People are constantly annoyed as I just blurt things out while they are talking. I sometimes even pinch my lips when I'm aware I'm doing this.
I always rush around. I can't dawdle, the energy inside me doesn't allow it.
I have only found the ability to truly relax when I've smoked weed, drunk alcohol, taken a benzo or opiates.
I'm pretty such I'll rely on weed for the rest of my life to relax. It's the less detrimental of the substances listed above.
I cannot queue.... hopefully the post office will be messy so I can tidy the leaflets. Otherwise I'll be moving the signs and messing with the queue belts.
Driving... really I should forget driving. The level of anger at other people's stupidity makes me quite a dangerous driver. Thankfully I've never caused an accident bar the occasional gentle bump to the driver in front (never causing damage... that's why cars have bumpers which is a sentence I've used several times. One bloke was so nasty and aggressive after going home and checking there was absolutely no damage he left a rather sheepish voicemail apologising... admittedly I was skinning up a b spliff at the time which is why I didn't brake in time).
Crowds also cause me anxiety. I generally avoid Brixton between 3-7pm due to the crowds. I can't walk at the speed I feel comfortable, I can't control the slow people, the ones who just stop in he middle of the pavement for no reason...
The urge to talk and move are out of my control. I cannot control it anymore than someone with Tourette's can control their ticks. And just like people with Tourette's, if you mention either, it only gets worse.
While I love the ability to do 3 things at once, the energy, excelling in situations other people find distracting and the perceived confidence I give off with my manic chatting, I HATE having ADHD.
Unlike Tourette's, people don't understand it. Including my own family. My mother had told me before not to say ADHD is a disability... but if it wasn't, would I be where I am now?!
There was a girl with Tourette's on the tube recently, and each time she ticked, unlike everyone else, my head automatically turned to look. I couldn't stop it! I noticed in rehab that I automatically look when I see or hear anything distracting.
I am blessed with a high IQ. Aged 7 I regularly completed the Mensa puzzles in the Sun. Even to a point my father offered to pay for me to be a member. This is the only reason why I've fumbled through life reasonably. I think the statistics are around 80% of prisoners have ADHD.
I still don't read properly. I race through books missing many words. It takes a lot of concentration to sit and read each word in my head.
My ADHD also encompasses OCD. This was noted on my assessment. Not to the point where I'll get physically distressed if you move an object... but I have a need to be the best. And EVERYTHING does have a correct place it need to be. And an order. My wardrobe has to be warmest coats to coolest jackets. Then dresses, then work trousers, then jeans, then track suits, then big chunky jumpers and cardigans, then plain vest and t-shirts, then plain jumpers and small cardigans, then going out tops, then small hoodies, then strapless tops, then shorts and skirts in order of length. Knickers and bras in one draw. Socks and tights in the next, belts and accessories after that, then scarves and winter hats, then bikinis, then party stuff and fancy dress.
My cutlery has to be spoons, knives, forks and then tea spoons.
My stationary has to be separated in to pencils, pens, highlighters and felt tips.
Even the bottles (ornaments types) have to be in height order. And once I move my CDs and DVDs will be alphabetical.
Shelves, clocks and pictures have to be centred and measured not just once, nor twice, but three times (thanks dad!)
Every appointment has to be put in my calendar.
Being perfect is the aim. Knowing I am being watched and most likely constantly criticised only makes me even more anxious.
I hate answering the phone from people I don't know. Emails are better for me. I rarely answer calls I don't know. Again anxiety.
I constantly stress about whether I've turned my hair straighteners off, or locked my door.
I NEVER get respite. My mother used to say I was a worrier as a child... no, I had chronic anxiety as a child.
So discovering weed was the start to my road to addiction hell. It calmed my mind. I could finally chill and relax... but it also made me lazy and gain weight.
Then I discovered stimulants. While I still had bounds of energy, I could finally concentrate. I would actually finish a job or project I started. My thoughts had a natural trail, from talking about work, to taking about my colleagues, to talking about something I could relate to from my colleagues. No longer did every noise, flash of light or movement force my head to turn.
All the tasks which gave me chronic anxiety (dealing with my post for example) were complete with ease.
Whilst of course the stimulartory properties gave me energy and made me very talkative, my head was at peace.
One of my jobs, the first year I was addicted to crack and heroin. Nobody guessed a thing. When I was clean and getting stressed at my workload which had increased to unmanageable levels, people thought I was on drugs.
Caffeine, another example, if I drink too much I get drowsy. I won't sleep, but I'm drowsy.
When I was first prescribed Ritalin it was magic. It was like smoking crack all day without the come down and fiending for more. My dad was being a dick and I didn't explode. My mother always thought I didn't have ADHD until that day.
Now... i need Ritalin to feel nornal. Just like an opiate addict no longer getting high from opiates... I cannot get out of bed without it.
I purchased Adderall and the magic returned. Calm, anxious free head. It didn't have the energy boost methylphenidate has, but my head was normal.
In the U.K. There's only two amphetamine based drugs. The controls release one didn't work on me and my ADHD psyche refused to let me have the instant release, although I had completed rehab and was clean. The deterioration of the effect from Ritalin and the fact I was still heavily judged on my past and not allowed a medicine which may have worked is part of my downfall.
The worst thing is, as now I've experience a normal head... I want it more than anything!! I haven't had a break from my Ritalin In a while, but Sunday I've promised myself one.
Oh yeah, I forgot... hyper focus... if I'm super interested in something I will obsess and obsess. I played the SIMs once for 18 hours with no breaks.
So there's ADHD in a nut shell. It's exhausting, relentless, constant and the cravings I get to use stimulants aren't like normal cravings which last an hour and go... they get worse and worse until I give in and use.
ADHD is a disability. I certainly would not be a junkie mess if I didn't have it.
Please take my condition seriously.
My head doesn't produce dopamine. My meds (and stimulants) do.. Diabetics don't produce insulin. Their meds do. What's the difference?
Bless. Jay x
