❤️ 17th January 2018 - My Rant - Private Thoughts

Well today, I can say I’ve enjoyed this evening’s ‘honest communication’ with my family.

Of course we never spoke. Nor did I authorise them to these thoughts. Like a LOT OF MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS.

Right now I know this phone is most likely hacked. And I know they’re watching on their CCTV, which is a huge crime against my human rights for starters. 

Please ensure invasion of my privacy is included when you convict these people.

In my absence. 

Please punish them for the abuse they have done to me.

If I’m dead, it’s manslaughter not suicide. Well murder to be honest. But the former should be the least of their charges.

Anyway, wrote a rant on another post. Seems a shame to waste it.

Things are moving forward for me... either good or bad, they’re screwed.

Even if I’m done over, the abuse that they’ve done will slowly be uncovered. And if I am done over I’ll top myself. I know Mr X and colleague are reading. So they’re part of my murder too. They pretended they would help me. They lied and if so, I’m dead due to their actions.

Here’s my rant. Time for me to play games. Who does NBD love most. Babies or fat cunt partner? Blood and water and all...

She can decide.

If I get anything official that confirms my offer, this offer is null and void unless prior contact has been made.

If contact has happened... in my OFFLINE folder will be a post called her full name. It will grant amnesty to her in the event of prosecution. 

I promise, swear. I was brought up correct. NEVER LIE OR STEAL.

So this isn’t a lie. It’s here, black and white.

So.. read my rant. You’ll get my drift. She’s a fucking evil bitch too... but not by nature. Her environment made her evil and sick.

I honestly want my nieces to have their mummy. So regardless of her participation, if there’s a post in public or OFFLINE, please no charges.

NBD - be grateful little P has amazed me with the love she gives me and I feel for her. I HATE YOU for refusing me one last visit with her. I wasn’t even gonna bring her in my house. I was gonna bring Orion out. But I love her so much. I’ll spare you. Only coz I love her. Don’t be fooled, NBD has fully participated in the actions on my blog. And coz she’s kinda my age and female, really hurts. Coz I couldn’t do what she’s done. 

Ok.. rant ahead 

Better get stupid named B**** and S**** (NBD’s siblings... really dumb rhyming names. Like her mum’s IQ is a bit low names... but I’m nobody, being watched is all in my head, so I can say what the fuck I want. In privacy. Everyone does. Should have heard the bitch slagging off NBD and F.C. after they refused me to see my niece) in mum and dad mode. They didn’t abuse me enough to be sentenced. Fat Cunt, Nice But Dim, Bitch and Sir-Cunt-A-Lot, enjoy P and P while you can.

Oh... NBD ... I kinda think you’re ok 😉and your behaviour has been influenced by the negative/detrimental people in your life (aka the sickos). I don’t think this behaviour is really your nature.

If you wanna join this team... before it’s too late. I’ll spare you. You can be with P and P. But you gotta chose. Before I decide it’s too late.

Why not send me a random chain email, a joke.. I’ll reply, we can do some BS small talk, and maybe... if I’m in a good mood and nothing pisses me off... I’ll see if you wanna link.

I want my nieces to have their mummy. It’s natural. But wait too long, and you can go down with the rest of them.

You were happy to abandon your maternal instincts and abuse me. You ignored my pleas. You left me desperate. And for fucks sake... you were / should be a nice person.

Look at you.

Anyway, wait until I have official confirmation and it’ll be too late. You have my email. You know where I work.. 

It’s up to you. Decisions decisions. Life behind bars with only some lesbian to eat you... or wave bye bye to the sick partner and in laws who made you a sicko too! And keep your kids. Who do you love more? Fat cunt, or P and P? 

My heart bleeds for the love I will never have from P and P. Which is why you and you only may get a chance.

IF YOU WANT A CHANCE, GOTTA MAKE THAT MORE BEFORE ANYTHING IS CERTAIN. You’re not watched 24-7. He goes work. Up to you. 

But... you may be a sicko like my mummy and not wanna be with the babies. In which case get your family ready. 

And I promise, screen shot this if you’re want, I know you’re watching, reading, hacking my account and all sorts... but I won’t delete it. You make that move, and as soon as this hits the ground I’ll get my legal guy 😏 to confirm you’ve got amnesty.

Promise. Coz I love P & P. Swear on their lives and all. And Orion and Cyra’s. 

Even if this is a con, no matter how much bad publicity I get, the abuse will be told. It’s a massive part of it. 

Or I commit suicide and my friends alert press and police to this blog, my diaries, other notes...

Either way your fucked. And whilst the latter means no charges pressed, everyone will still know what pieces of shit you are. EVERYONE. COZ YOU MADE THIS BIG!! You dug your own fucking graves. Why be so sick and involve so many people? Did you think I’d just pretend it’s not real. Even though it still happens now, fucking sober??

If I die, you’ll be famous. People will look at you like scum. I expect there’s enough evidence to press charges of manslaughter against FC, SCAL and B. You’ll be followed in shops like a crim, even though you’ve got a £5k credit card and £100 cash... oh and it’s fucking Poundland! 

People will sneer at you. When they notice you, they’ll stare. They’ll look in disgust. No matter how much of a nice person you really are.. no matter if it was one stupid mistake which landslides into a mess.. and there’s no one to help you... public don’t care. They’re cruel and you’re all abusers.

Enjoy what you’ve subjected me to! When I needed you all so badly. And cried and begged for you. 

Either way, no matter what, screwed. Either truth or suicide. 

❤️ Introduction - April 2015

From my hand written diary.... 

If you’re reading this and you’re not my privacy denying family and I’m either...

Famous 🤩, Published 🤑, or Dead ☠️

YOU know ‘some’ of the things my parents did under the guise of ‘psychosis’

Psychosis 🤪 By Mum 👵🏻 & Dad 👴🏻

Notes, memories, tarot readings from a time when I needed help and no one came.

But I’m sure you’re unaware of the full length of TORTURE I was subjected to from my ‘loved’ ones. 

I cannot even fully detail their ‘Prisoner of War’ style torture, for fear of being Sectioned.

I HAVE NO FAMILY 

How My Family Made Me Mad, Glad & Bad! - She'll be so crazy she’ll need more drugs to cope!

Jay - a rather successful person, trip and falls after losing her car, her home, being bullied at work, finding out the mother she used to love had cancer and losing her beloved pet. 

Her family decide sectioning her is the most successful way to ensure she refrains from intravenous ethylphenidate use.

Instead of helping her reach sobriety their actions make her so miserable her using sky rockets. And this is her story. 

Methylphenidate was snatched from me under cruel, unfair circumstances. Ethylphenidate, like its prescription only cousin, is a short acting stimulant. At the height of my addiction I was using between 1-3 grammes, intravenously, where I'd bang up 1/10th a gramme to 3/10th a gramme per hit. I'd do this from 10 to 20 times per day as my tolerance, combined with it's length of action, meant it lasted no more than an hour.

Waking up sober and indeed the numerous times during the day I faded back to sobriety, yet still suffering from their cruel actions under the guise of  psychosis, only drove me to use far more drugs. At least double the amount I used when I was able to use in peace. My useage was upped by 50% easily due to their action. Ultimately they are the reason why I lost my Concerta script resulting in the same consequences too. I was so addicted at one point I was unable to arise from my bed without hitting up first.

So enjoy my decent to hell.

This blog contains information from my iPad and subsequent phone emails, journals in notes and finally diaries and has been collated since my 20’s at the start of my drug addiction, declining to crack and heroin addiction. My brief moments of relative recovery and then my final decline when I hit rock bottom during my legal

High addiction which progressed to intravenous drug use.

The more you read the more you will understand why my psychiatrist was quick to get me two urgent drug detox admissions and the subsequent week’s admission in Springfield mental hospital.

The sad thing is, my parents actions only insured my drug use skyrocketed. Instead of showing me love and researching addiction, they turned their backs on me and researched psychosis in an attempt to recreate something a brain creates through sheer horror. 

I always have suffered from mental health. My ADHD was not diagnosed until my 30’s. Treated 32. I had suffered crippling addiction problems by this age. Self medication of my ADHD began at 13. These destructive habits were deeply engrained now. It would require a lot more than 10 days in detox to undo the damage all ready done.

At first it was cannabis and alcohol. They would soothe my hyper ADHD brain and enable to me sleep. From 16 was smoking cannabis daily.

Whilst it calmed my ADHD it also made me lazy. So my discovery of ecstasy and cocaine, it’s effect on my dopamine receptors was all I needed to quickly become addicted. This meant I was no longer relying on weed, which means no bingeing and being lazy. In fact I wouldn’t eat at all. 

However I could hold articulate conversations. I didn’t go off on a tangent. I could organise things, tidy, deal with paper work. I was efficient and effective.

The come downs where crushing. The misery, which whilst cocaine was generally a day, ecstasy could have you feeling blue all week.

Mind you, dropping from 12 stone (168lbs / 76.2kgs, to 8.7lbs (119lbs / 53.2kgs).

After ecstasy and cocaine was crack and heroin. I only ever smoked b in a spliff and crack was never injected. I did max out two  £10,000 credit cards and new I had to make some changes.

So, I kinda got clean. I changed to subutex, an opiate replacement like methadone. And changed to £60-£100 crack a week. Much better than £700 a week.

Then, whilst almost within reach of my Ritalin script, methylphenidate... the temptation to buy the legal high ethylphenidate was too consuming to ignore. I purchased it, along with numerous legal highs (I have easily take the over a 100 Drugs in my life... I must list them!)

You can find the majority of them listed in the ‘List of Drugs I’ve Tried’

The loss of my normal Concerta increased my self-medicating to daily.

If I am unable to get my Concerta prescription reinstated I will definitely purchase Ethylphenidate’s new replacement and revert back to self-medicating.

The events depicted in this blog are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental

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@Gemma_Stalked

 

www.thefamousjunkie.blogspot.com

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JayElle Famosjunkey

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs 

❤️ 12th February 2016 - Living On a Prayer

Well I still pray my parents just come and tell me I'm not mad, never have been and they've made mistakes. They don't have to say any thing further.

V

They could go back to The Sun and do an article on how I want detox and rehab. I'm sure the Sun would pay and I could go now rather than wait on the crappy NHS.

Other than detox and rehab I want to be on a proper dose of Ritalin. I'd give my arm to have the correct dose of my meds. I need a high dose 56mgs-72mgs. I'm on 18mgs so you can guess how well 

It's working. By 2pm I'm falling asleep. It hurts knowing than rather than make the tremendous effort they made to make me think I was mad, they could have helped instead. 

I don't know what has happened to the mummy and daddy I grew up with but they are gone.

In their place are two scary monsters who go above and beyond to gang up on me and try and make me think I'm mad instead of helping me.

My dad's eyes give away each of his lies. I hope he suffers for swearing on my precious P's life. My mum just shouts she's paying my bills! Yeah the financial help has been amazing. Having a mummy to hug and a daddy to tell me it will be ok hasn't.

I want my family back.

This is why I think I must be the worst person to live. Murderers parents still stand by them.

Mine go tell the world I'm a disgusting junkie who must be tormented at any opportunity. 

I've been spat at, people swap seats so they don't have to sit next to me on the tube. People shout out 'CRACK / SMACK HEAD!' At me. This is shit too because I was a crack / smack £100 a day junkie and I won that battle.

The newspapers haven't told the truth about me. They don't know I self medicate with legal Ritalin. I don't mind people knowing the truth. My parents brought me up to be honest.

I know they're reading this and probably watching me too. I'm so broken, I need their help and I want the truth told. They'd rather carry on and act like nothing has happened. And of course torment me if I do use. Which just makes me sadder... Which just makes me use more.

I think I won't bother renting my home for a year and trying again in the UK. I'm gonna sell my 'forever' home ASAP. 

You can buy an apartment in the Caribbean for £20,000 in a complex with a pool. I have equity of about £100,000 plus profit. My house is provably worth £80,000 more now. My parents can have their money back with interest. And me... I'll make their dreams come true and vanish. No more black sheep to tar the family. 

I could buy 3-4 apartments and rent 3 out for income. In a country where I can be blonde again. 

So many people were interested in offering me work until they met me when I had blonde hair. 

I'm a celebrity but a hated on. One man even pretended to be deaf when I petted his dog (then made a phone call probably updating whoever on my location once I'd walked off)

I'd never do this to any of my family. I just wish one of them... Only one... Realised it isn't as easy as the films make it out to be.

I hate being a drug addict. I hate myself so much. But I cannot help my brain soothing when I do use stimulants. In a way I hope they encounter more people with ADHD and try and realise it isn't just in my head. 

I give anything not to have it.

Without it my drugs phase would have ended in my 20's like my mates. I still have a beautiful home. And car.

I'm so broken right now and really want to sleep but can't as I know people will be in here removing and evidence I have to prove my sanity. 

I will fight for the truth... But I'm already broken, can never be fixed properly and am running out of fight.

See, I just heard a noise by the airing cupboard. I wish they would leave me to sleep... Not that I feel safe.

The less they torment me, the less drugs I'm gonna use. Why do people use drugs?

Social party aspect I know, but normally to mask other feelings. Numb the pain.

I'm petrified they will lie and get me sectioned again. If so that puts detox and rehab even further back. I will not last and simply will buy a load of pills and top myself.

I do love my cat so much, but I have NOTHING else to live for any more. 

I know it's all my fault. I fucked up. But I though my mum and dad would make it better. Not worse.

I really think they want me dead.

Mum, dad, I'm so sorry you got me as your kid. In so sorry I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry you hate me so much you wanted me to think I was mad so you could lock me away. I'm so sorry I'm so awful you'd rather my suicide than you tell the truth. 

I hope some of the money from the Sun has been saved for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to try for another baby. If not what I leave behind give them enough for a go. I want Precious P to have a sibling. And I'll make sure it's a damn good one and they get on so well, unlike me and my bro 😥

I'm gonna forget the last 3 years and remember you as the brilliant family you were before all this shit.

I'm so sorry 

So so sorry. You deserve better than me. 

❤️ February 2016 - GOODBYE MY LOVERS

Well I've fucked up big time and I have nothing left anymore.

Made the stupid mistake of ordering ethylphenidate. My Ritalin dose is so low I was falling asleep mid afternoon. Being so excited to go back home I needed energy to pack my belongings. 

Well with lovely N’s  help we decided to order some of the new ethylphenidate.

Of course my parents (who are definitely not staking me) found out immediately. 

Then my brother and my next door neighbour decided to keep breaking into my house Sunday night. Through the bathroom, loft and cupboard under the stairs.

The dad from next door freed the person the trapped in the cupboard. And soon they were all our. Still freaked me out all night. I got no sleep and ended up using all night. Missed work. 

On top of that we decided to get a package delivered to work. My manager opened it so bingo. 

My heart broke it two. My parents even play psychosis when I'm sober. It's not fair. If I stop they should stop. 

I need help. Not just financial. I need them to realise I'm not perfect. I'm gonna fuck up.

Now they want me sectioned. Some where I get no help. No counselling. Nothing for my ADHD.

I want my ADHD treated more than life itself. 56mgs of Concerta and I'm a normal person. Crack and Coke don't work. Ethylphenidate doesn't work. All I want is a spliff at night to chill.

I'm so broken now. I loved my home. But my mum screamed I wasn't broken into I'm just mad Coz the drugs. I'd do anything. I hate the idea of rehab but I'd even do 6 months to keep my home. I'd stay at detox for 3 months.

Get of buprenorphine again and for good.

My home, I wanted to live their forever. I also want them to come and tell the truth  me. After rehab when I'm better for good.

Life is worth it for my home.

Otherwise I have no choice but to fight alone. I don't mind people knowing I'm a dirty druggie buf at least let them know I have ADHD. Least let them. Know it's legal Ritalin and not crack and smack.

If I go back there (Springfield) will also No I won't have the Energy to fight any more. Like Sonic the hedgehog it'll be game over. It'll kill me. Especially when I do you want the real help that need.

You've already destroyed and damaged me so badly. I know you hate me mum and dad please don't kill me

I will be out of your life so you might have to be bothered with me anymore. You can finally have your perfect family. I'll save a nice cash fund for P. Either then that I won't bother you anymore. 

I'm so tired and broken. I don't have much fight left in me. I have to try. But I'm not good at winning in this game of life.

If this you are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry I'm the worse child. I'm so sorry.

Guess this is good bye. I just hope it's not forever. But that is your calll. I need help but will you give it to me?

I loved you so much.

The worst child ever.

Jay 

❤️ 25th August 2015 - Journal

Hello all!! I'm pleased this week. I've lost weight going from 9.10lbs (136lbs) to 9.3lbs (129lbs). I'm almost back in my comfort zone of 8.4lbs to 8.13lbs (116lbs - 125lbs).

I'm a little disordered with my eating. I'm similar to anorexia, but I don't go to dangerously low weights. I've been trying to walk more, 10,000 steps and have started doing some weights using some small dumbbells my mum has.

To lose weight I need to eat less than 1,300 calories a day, that's not including any exercise, just a sedentary day.

Also, I've seen a lovely sofa in Marks and Spencer I think my mother may purchase for me. It's a corner sofa, in grey. Much smaller than my old one. She bought me four green cushions and a green throw. As it's smaller I will also buy a small table and two chairs, the metal folding kind usually for the garden.

My uncle is making a glass door for my kitchen. I'll block the original door and open up between the kitchen and conservatory.

Also, in Mark's, they had a gorgeous polar bear teddy, reduced from £25 to £12. Another present for precious P. They had panda bears, but I thought polar bear was more Christmassy. I've already got her pyjamas and a xylophone for the bath. Everything in the sale. So I spend £70 but without the sale price it's £150 worth of presents.

I may be in rehab for Xmas which takes away the uncomfortable Xmas dinner with my brother and his girlfriend who very much dislike me. They are the perfect couple. The only thing which could pathetically be a black mark is they have a kid and are not married.

Everything about them is perfect. At least my mum has a daughter in law she can boast about. Even before my big drugs discovery, I was always second best. It really bothered me at first. Especially when my boyfriend's where treated like crap and she was worshiped immediately. 

Now, I don't care. I enjoy being the black sheep. I'm good at it. Even as a child I always excelled over my brother at activities, but was never number one in my mother's eyes.

I tend to get compensated financially. This shows in my adult life as I spend on people to show my appreciation for them. 

It killed when my brother's girlfriend got pregnant. I always wanted to give my mum her first grandkid. This was made worse knowing I could have. But I was temping at work, so no maternity pay and my partner wasn't supportive.

I'm glad now. Due to the nationwide knowledge of my drug use, social services will be crawling all over me, should I dare get knocked up. It's made me decide I don't want kids. 

I'll spend my life enjoying holidays, plastic surgery, lie ins and indulgence. Oh, and many, many pets. When in the depths of being a nationwide hate figure, animals loved me. They didn't see a dirty junkie, they saw a kind person with a lot of love to give, who was looking for a little back.

So not only did my family decide to terminate my career, but also any future possibility of having a family. Whilst I appreciate the financial assistance they are showering me with now, this will always leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

Maybe, maybe, if I can tell the nation the truth, my opinion will change. But realistically I doubt my parents will have the guts to admit what they did to me. It'll be brushed under the carpet and I'll be expected just to forget about it.

It's so sad. Why couldn't they do what other parents of drug addicts do. Why did they destroy me. They decided to make me hit their version of rock bottom. But it wasn't my rock bottom and didn't work.

Oh well, Battersea here I come, I'll have 52 cats please, never marry, have kids and when I die, I'll be found, with my face eaten away by hungry kitties!!

Yay!! Can't wait!!

Seriously I don't mind. I do love cats.

Love a realistic Jay x