❤️ THIS BLOG IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED!!!!

Hey, all my readers.

Unfortunately due to the massive amount of missing post, and the subsequent duplication of posts, the awful formatting etc. I see no other option but to temporarily close this blog.

Very soon all blog post will be removed.... and then, re-added. In sequential order! Making my future screen play / biography, much easiest. So every cloud and all!!!

Plus, back when I started, the number of readers I had was hit and miss. These days, I get 200 hits on days I don’t post.

So, now every single post will be re-done, with photos / media, and promoted heavily 

So, whilst this breaks my heart, that so much time and effort over the last 3 years has gone to waste.... I’ll be back.  I bigger and better.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs 

@Gemma_Stalked 

❤️ Dear Shit Stirrer

Bar the title of this blog post, I NEVER have a bad word to say about you.

I’m the one who forces ‘N’ to see you. Otherwise he wouldn’t bother.

I don’t slag you off, nothing. Even though YOU introduced me to crack cocaine and heroin.

So... next time you wanna take some information that’s 2 years old and try to use it to destroy my friendships, you better keep hold of the web link babes.

You did the old ‘she’s slagging you off’ before.

Which changed to ‘she’s slagging you off online’

And when questioned more changed to ‘I saw a blog post with a similar user name to what you use’

CAUGHT OUT!!

Take a long hard look in the mirror. You’re in your 40’s and what do you have? Apart from being able to claim having fucked well over 1,000 men/boys (yeah I know your verging on being a right peadophile the age of the YOUNG BOYS you’ve had in your bedroom.

Attention seeking whore. Full stop.

You might think you’re better, coz you only smoke crack and heroin, but you’re not. You are a worse junkie thank me.

Now fuck off, don’t be making up bullshit when until today I’ve had NOTHING but positive karma and vibes for you.

❤️ In Response

The conversation

Why am I a bitter, twisted person?

This blog is about my crazy drug abuse adventures. Not about finding a tenner in the high street, stroking a kitten, seeing a rainbow, winning a fiver on a scratchy... I could go on. 

Generally I will post when something eventful has happened. I have posted about work, about my nieces, about my cat, about how I’m grateful for my best mate. 

But YES the majority of my posts are regarding drug abuse, trauma and abuse. What’s the point of blogging a perfectly normal life with no major incidents.

There will be people out there, with drug addiction, or ADHD, or anxiety or whatever, that feel God damn alone. They feel like there’s no one who is going through the same. And, then they realise I’m going through the same. They no longer feel alone. Exiled. They no longer swallow those pills with vodka. 

The more people talk about what I’m going through, the less people will kill them selves.

Where is all the hate coming from!

I’m going through something which even with support, love and help, is fucking hard to overcome.

You try doing it with no family. Even if it is just a month trip to your siblings. You imagine not seeing your nephew. Even though you’re not close to your mum, you go with out her hugs, or saying she loves you. You go without being able to run to your dad for protection. 

Then.... then..... you realise the horrific about you’re going through is caused by the people your heart aches to badly for. 

The pain, I can’t even begin to explain the pain. The hurt. How utterly worthless you feel. 

I’m surprised I’m still alive.

The only way to concur this, is to fucking toughen up. Otherwise you’ll be crying your whole life. So whilst I’m polite, kind and considerate... it takes a LOT to knock me down. I’m grateful. I’d be dead otherwise.

If you read as much of my blog as you claim to, you’d be aware of the above. As there is a LOT of hurt, pain and sadness in this blog. A lot more than the hate and anger. But the latter is understandable, considering the experiences I’ve been forced to see.

Apparently someone who I used to work with, who still talks to H, saw me in Tooting, 6-8 weeks ago. 

‘I hope she gets the help she desperately needs’

You’re serious, right? I haven’t been to Tooting since September. Before I got my job, yeah, I was a little slender. I was NOT underweight.

I always have my hair done nicely, wear semi designer clothes. I spend £100 on my hair every 6 weeks. It’s rare I don’t wear fake tan. 

I wear jewellery costing nearly £1,500. I carry a £1,200 mobile phone.

I fail to see how I would appear desperate and ‘needing help’

My blog is full of hate about my parents?

I tell you what... let’s spend a day / night together. We’ll go out and you’ll notice the attention I get. You notice people stop and talk to me for no reason. You’ll see the bar staff counting every minute I spend in the toilet. You’ll notice people take my photo. N has. R has. 

I KNOW I was in the Sun, doing cocaine. Many people have told me.

I know only my family would do this.

I’m trying to sort my life out, move away for my sanity, work hard in my job. They try and jeopardise that. Wouldn’t you be angry?

Glad you’re treating N nice, even if it’s just that you need him.

Yeah, from July 2017 - September 2017, I fucking needed him. More than I ever had before. For the first time in 10 years I needed his financial support. Without it, I would have killer myself.

I didn’t solely rely on him. I did cash £2,500 of my share certificates. But thank God he was here for me. I still own my house for starters.

Also, he cooked, cleaned and did the DIY. When sadness had me almost comatose, he cooked for me. When I came home and laid still on my bed, until darkness consumed not only my room, but my soul, he lit a small flame of hope.

But that’s what friends are for. And as for the financial support, it’s been the other way around for 10 years. I have reaped what I have sown. I supported him and he returned the favour.

You're the one sounding negative. Jealous even.

Perhaps describe him more kindly?

WTF? Tell the world what you used to call him, when YOU were using him for shelter and sex!! Hobbit wasn’t it? Ugly wasn’t it? I could go on.

There’s been very few posts which I have written recently where I am angry with N.

My blog isn’t is sequential order. Each post is dated. Read the date.

Pacing up and down at a bus stop in Tooting?

Even at 3am the streets of Tooting are chaotic where the bus stops are. Therefore it would be nearly impossible to pace. Plus crowds give me anxiety, so I avoid them. 

Anyway the offer is there for a day out with me. Hit me up on my blog. 

❤️ I wish....

Sometimes I reminisce and I deeply long for the life I once had.

And yes that was a life with drug abuse. Crack and heroin addiction. Which I had sorted out.

You truly do not miss what you had, until you’ve lost it.

I miss the silence. No TV, no stereo. Nothing to drown out background noises and murmurs which react to my endless stream of chatter.

I miss being able to lie, with my eyes open. Not having to close them... wait 20 mins, before hearing the ‘she asleep’ murmur. 

Not having to concentrate with such intensity, to regulate and deepen your breathing. Not letting you mouth smirk, or brow crease, in reaction to the endless stream of thoughts in your head.

Whilst I enjoy company, and am aware of its contribution to the fact I am still alive, I miss being alone. Just me, and my pets. Bursting into song upon awaking.

Less temptation to use drugs, as I only had my cravings to fight. When a user lives with a user, you tend to use more. Every time they get a craving, you suddenly have one too.

But awaking each day, to missing money / Oyster card / cash card / keys. Or finding bottles of sauce when you have no memory of needing it, nor finding any supporting evidence to confirm it had been required. Or the noises which make me feel I am no longer alone in my house. Or my alarms not going off. Realising you are short a good week of essential medication. Without it, your employment is in jeopardy. But, with all the above considered, having solitary, is unrealistic.

I cannot endure morning upon morning, of waking up and bursting into hysterical tears.

The bus app, which gives me inaccurate times, resulting in my colleagues, describing me of being tardy.

The all consuming anxiety.

I miss, walking through a park, or wooded area, and being alone.

Feeding the ducks. Watching robins and squirrels. Appreciating the Sun set on a summer’s day, dying the sky, from yellow, to orange, to pink, then purple, before its inky black, studded with diamonds.

The rain, when it’s hot and I search the sky for rainbows as the sun still beats down.

Walking under trees in the Autumn, dancing and spinning, as I’m showered with golden leaf confetti.

Dancing and singing in my front room, KNOWING no one is watching.

Walking down a back street, at 5pm, in the pitch black. Encountering no one. 

Being able to go out without my hair or makeup done, and worry about judgment.

Being able to pick my spots, take a shit and admire the size of if, fart like a man, pick my nose, pluck my facial hair, shave my pubes, look at my va-jay-jay and know I have the basic human right of privacy.

Indulge in wild sex. Masterbate. Watch freaky porn. 

I wish I didn’t have constant paranoia.

I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.

I wish I felt loved.

I wish I could be alone, feel secure, know I have privacy and chill with my cat.

I wish I could be normal person happy, not just fucked up junkie happy.