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I won't go into back ground, but my family abuse and torment me. They treat me like
I'm a teenager, although I'm 36 and own my own house.
They come into my home when they know I'm out, steal my belonging, I've found hidden CCTV in the light bulbs before, they've told my neighbours what kind a terrible terrible person I am. Why? Because I have a problem with drug addiction.
Although, addicts fail time and time again before they recover, all it took was one failed detox and mine sold a story to the most read newspaper in the UK saying what a terrible crack and heroin addict I was.
Yes I was an addict... but I was abusing a legal high which was basically Ritalin. I have ADHD and I stopped taking my meds.
I went detox and they put me back on meds, but put me on only half my dose of Ritalin, so when I came out I relapsed and started taking a double dose of meds one day (my normal dose) and abusing the legal high the other day.
They constantly do really cruel things to me under the guise of 'it's psychosis'. Yet they do it when I'm sober, when I've had a couple of drinks, or a couple of pulls on a spliff..: then when they have the chance to legitimately do it... e.g. When I've banged up ketamine, MDMA or have drunk a load of vodka and taken a handful of benzos, they don't.
They also tormented me when I was going through opiate and antipsychotic withdrawal. Until I pointed out people withdrawing from the above don't sleep.
I used to have a day off my Ritalin so reduce tolerance,
So often, after Sunday off, when I took it Monday (I'm on a stupidly high amount, well above the maximum dose for an adult and I've only seen one person on the internet, who was a big 6 foot, 200lb man who takes a higher dose), I wouldn't be able to sleep. So because I'm not sleeping, I must have managed to smoke away on a crack pipe all night, even though I'm constantly watched.
That's why they did it during withdrawal, because I couldn't sleep.
I was even sectioned in a mental hospital because no one believed the evil sick things they did to me.
Imagine seeing your mum or dad, in a piss poor disguise, and you break down and sob and sob for them, only to watch them walk away and pretend their not your parents.
They've stolen my gear and cut it with toxic substances and then put holes in my needles so I miss my shot. I ended up with two patches of rotting flesh on my legs due to that stupid stunt. And I've lost most my veins.
I have to get fresh needles every time I use. I know I should do this, but any needle junkie will reuse a pin they've used once.
I'll go to reuse one of my relatively fresh pins, and when I suck up water, it won't fill smoothly, but fill with bubbles.
A sign it's got a hole in it.
I end up covered in blood having stabbed myself 30 times instead of 1.
Anyway due to their lack of privacy, to cut a long story short, I lost my job.
Now, remember, they're not watching me so don't know about my personal life, but next time I saw them, 'coincidentally' they started screaming at me that I better had not fucked up my life again as they weren't going to help me ever again.
Then one day I was sobbing on the floor and 'coincidentally' I get a text from my dad asking me to contact my drugs Counsellor.
So I put my house on the market and I stated applying for jobs the middle of July.
Nothing...
Generally if I go for an interview I get a job offer.
I got rejection after rejection.
And no one wanted to buy my house.
I knew I had enough money with the help of my friend to last until the end of September.
When their behaviour got really nasty around the beginning of September I tried to commit suicide twice. Needless to say I've never been so disappointed to wake up.
I have to admit since then they've calmed it down a lot.
Still I wanted to die so ordered a lethal dose of fentanyl off the internet.
They tricked me into contacting my drugs Counsellor by sending a fake email from her saying she was waiting for my referral and would be in contact. They just set the display name to the same as my counsellor's name. As my phone is hacked, they also deleted it permanently before I could investigate it. Anyway, even though it was signed off incorrectly and didn't have the email signature, I still fell for it and contacted her. Naturally she informed my drug psychiatrist and the manager of the drug team.
The psyche wanted to see me, but I didn't get her email in time. So she booked me into see the manager on Wednesday. I decided I would go and tell them they needed to section me as I was going to kill myself.
I had a house viewing at 1.30pm. My appointment was at 3pm. I really didn't want them to turn up. It's so exhausting trying to be normal when you want nothing but death.
I sold my house at 2.15pm.
So I went to the drugs team to be assessed and explained the situation and that I no longer felt like I needed to kill myself.
Unfortunately I now am massively addicted to opiates, benzos and alcohol due to the chronic anxiety I have knowing I'm being watched all day. Every day. In every room. Yes they even watch me shit.
They wanted a long detox, as you need benzos to withdraw from alcohol and I'm addicted to them also. And opiates! That's another story! I'd probably reduce and stabilise on a low dose.
So an emergency appointment was booked for me to see the psyche tomorrow at midday.
I switched my phone off in the appointment as it's hacked and I didn't want them listening. They've listened in to many a private session with my counsellor, key workers, psyche nurse and psychiatrist before.
When I came out I had a voicemail... it was the company I saw on Monday, offering me a job!
I was so happy I cried and cried.
To cut a long story short, they want me to start in 1 week's time!! I desperately need to detox from at least alcohol! If I don't have a drink by 1pm I feel awful.
I'm hoping I can do a home detox from alcohol. The detoxes they use don't allow mobiles and I can't be without my mobile when I'm about to start a new job and sell my house.
maybe they'll script me a proper prescription of benzos (I buy dodgy ones from India off the internet, so the strength and quality varies and certainly
Isn't 10mg as advertised), possibly the opiates too, if I can get unsupervised quickly. Then I can reduce both.
As far as benzos go, I don't have a clue as to how much I need as they're not real tablets.
Then maybe over xmas I can have time off to go detox and come off the benzos (and reduce the opiates).
So tomorrow I was going to kill myself. Now I get to live.
My fentanyl hasn't arrived but I have researched hanging, and I know where you need to have the knots to cut your blood supply so it's painless and over in 15 seconds. I was going to get wasted on booze and pills and then choke/hang myself.
Anyway, I don't know if I'll carry on wanting to live, or if I'll give up and kill myself.
I just wanted others to know it can get better!
The most surreal, bizarre, amazing day of my life. 27th September 2017.
TLDR - had planned to kill myself over financial worries, then I sold my house and got a job in one day.
#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
