❤️ 16th February 2016 - BEST NEWS EVER

My home is going to be rented for a year allowing me the 3 months required to go to rehab! I'm so pleased. I wanted that to be my forever home.

It can be rented for quite a lot meaning my parents can have some of their money paid back which is a huge relief to me. I'll only be paying the mortgage £450 and council tax (£160 at the moment due to missed payments during my bad period) £90.

I'm going to claim Universal Credit which is the ESA version in my area. 

Mind you I've just been emailed about two fantastic jobs.... They could be short term so I've said I'm interested. Plus it'll take 1-2 months to sort rehab and I can always detox in the community again.

I just want the old me back again. 

But I know I need rehab.

Maybe there's one with day release so I can work??

I'd rather do a temp job and detox in the community and when the job finishes, go to rehab.

I'd rather be normal and not have to go rehab at all. But to be a normal person (who only smokes weed and indulges in a line of sniffed Charlie at special occasions), I think I do need rehab.

I also desperately need a decent amount of methylphenidate. Which rules out the Charlie, as when on a decent amount Coke doesn't work. 

It was so weird when I was on a proper dose of methylphenidate before. I'd wake up with no anxiety or negative thoughts. Opening post didn't bring an impending sense of doom. Getting 4 emails, a knock on my office door and a phone call at the same time didn't stress me. 

Haha! My father didn't stress me. The only drug free period in my life was the 3 months I was on a decent dose of methylphenidate and before I began experimenting with intravenous drug use.

If I had the Delorian I'd go back to then and tell myself never to pick up a needle.

Today I searched for homes I could afford  to buy out right and was presented with a list of mobile homes miles away from my family. Although I despise their actions when I use legal highs, I realised I didn't want to be so far away from them. Especially my mum. 

On a sad note my rabbit Fyver has been eaten by a fox. I'm so gutted. Fluffy his girlfriend is well sad and lonely. I know I can't get her a companion until I'm back in my own house. Maybe after rehab, but not for a good 6 months. I've lost 3 pets in just over a year.

RIP

Cyran - bunny

Tsega - cat

Fyver - bunny

Anyway I'm counting my blessings. I still have my forever home. I hope my father makes it secure as he promised me. I'll still change the locks when I finally move back in.

But I don't have to move miles away into a mobile home! I'm happy. 

❤️ 12th February 2016 - Living On a Prayer

Well I still pray my parents just come and tell me I'm not mad, never have been and they've made mistakes. They don't have to say any thing further.

V

They could go back to The Sun and do an article on how I want detox and rehab. I'm sure the Sun would pay and I could go now rather than wait on the crappy NHS.

Other than detox and rehab I want to be on a proper dose of Ritalin. I'd give my arm to have the correct dose of my meds. I need a high dose 56mgs-72mgs. I'm on 18mgs so you can guess how well 

It's working. By 2pm I'm falling asleep. It hurts knowing than rather than make the tremendous effort they made to make me think I was mad, they could have helped instead. 

I don't know what has happened to the mummy and daddy I grew up with but they are gone.

In their place are two scary monsters who go above and beyond to gang up on me and try and make me think I'm mad instead of helping me.

My dad's eyes give away each of his lies. I hope he suffers for swearing on my precious P's life. My mum just shouts she's paying my bills! Yeah the financial help has been amazing. Having a mummy to hug and a daddy to tell me it will be ok hasn't.

I want my family back.

This is why I think I must be the worst person to live. Murderers parents still stand by them.

Mine go tell the world I'm a disgusting junkie who must be tormented at any opportunity. 

I've been spat at, people swap seats so they don't have to sit next to me on the tube. People shout out 'CRACK / SMACK HEAD!' At me. This is shit too because I was a crack / smack £100 a day junkie and I won that battle.

The newspapers haven't told the truth about me. They don't know I self medicate with legal Ritalin. I don't mind people knowing the truth. My parents brought me up to be honest.

I know they're reading this and probably watching me too. I'm so broken, I need their help and I want the truth told. They'd rather carry on and act like nothing has happened. And of course torment me if I do use. Which just makes me sadder... Which just makes me use more.

I think I won't bother renting my home for a year and trying again in the UK. I'm gonna sell my 'forever' home ASAP. 

You can buy an apartment in the Caribbean for £20,000 in a complex with a pool. I have equity of about £100,000 plus profit. My house is provably worth £80,000 more now. My parents can have their money back with interest. And me... I'll make their dreams come true and vanish. No more black sheep to tar the family. 

I could buy 3-4 apartments and rent 3 out for income. In a country where I can be blonde again. 

So many people were interested in offering me work until they met me when I had blonde hair. 

I'm a celebrity but a hated on. One man even pretended to be deaf when I petted his dog (then made a phone call probably updating whoever on my location once I'd walked off)

I'd never do this to any of my family. I just wish one of them... Only one... Realised it isn't as easy as the films make it out to be.

I hate being a drug addict. I hate myself so much. But I cannot help my brain soothing when I do use stimulants. In a way I hope they encounter more people with ADHD and try and realise it isn't just in my head. 

I give anything not to have it.

Without it my drugs phase would have ended in my 20's like my mates. I still have a beautiful home. And car.

I'm so broken right now and really want to sleep but can't as I know people will be in here removing and evidence I have to prove my sanity. 

I will fight for the truth... But I'm already broken, can never be fixed properly and am running out of fight.

See, I just heard a noise by the airing cupboard. I wish they would leave me to sleep... Not that I feel safe.

The less they torment me, the less drugs I'm gonna use. Why do people use drugs?

Social party aspect I know, but normally to mask other feelings. Numb the pain.

I'm petrified they will lie and get me sectioned again. If so that puts detox and rehab even further back. I will not last and simply will buy a load of pills and top myself.

I do love my cat so much, but I have NOTHING else to live for any more. 

I know it's all my fault. I fucked up. But I though my mum and dad would make it better. Not worse.

I really think they want me dead.

Mum, dad, I'm so sorry you got me as your kid. In so sorry I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry you hate me so much you wanted me to think I was mad so you could lock me away. I'm so sorry I'm so awful you'd rather my suicide than you tell the truth. 

I hope some of the money from the Sun has been saved for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to try for another baby. If not what I leave behind give them enough for a go. I want Precious P to have a sibling. And I'll make sure it's a damn good one and they get on so well, unlike me and my bro 😥

I'm gonna forget the last 3 years and remember you as the brilliant family you were before all this shit.

I'm so sorry 

So so sorry. You deserve better than me. 

❤️ 08th February 2016 - Orphan Jay

Well I'm officially an orphan. Will sign my beautiful forever home over to my parents and get the council to house me. I hope I don't have to lose my real family Orion, Fyver and Fluffy, but the last two are rabbits so doubt I can keep them. 

It makes me so sad. I have no friends who aren't on 'their' side either.

They are so ashamed of being discovered when I sleep they steal any evidence I find. They delete all the emails from lawyers willing to represent me before I can contact them. They read this blog so they know if I can't clear my name I'm gonna take a massive dose of pills and kill myself. 

Unlike every other parent in the world, their lie is more important than their child. I pray to God each night they'll be truthful and do a final article in the Sun telling the truth with me but my prayers are never answered.

I could cry myself to sleep every night. Why don't my mummy and daddy want me??

Clearly I'm the worst human to ever live. More worse than rose and Fred West. Myra Hindley's mother loved her more than mine does.

If I can get a Laywer on my unlawful section and get to stay in my home I'll have a reason to carry on. If I can get a Laywer and take my equity I'll carry on in another country. But they will never see me again.

Gonna sign off as I haven't slept properly got for 4 days so gonna sign off.

Will update you on the other evil things they have done.

Night night my beautiful world. Hope I'm not forced to leave you right now.

Love Jay 

I'm changing my name and divorcing them too if I do get a chance live 

❤️ February 2016 - GOODBYE MY LOVERS

Well I've fucked up big time and I have nothing left anymore.

Made the stupid mistake of ordering ethylphenidate. My Ritalin dose is so low I was falling asleep mid afternoon. Being so excited to go back home I needed energy to pack my belongings. 

Well with lovely N’s  help we decided to order some of the new ethylphenidate.

Of course my parents (who are definitely not staking me) found out immediately. 

Then my brother and my next door neighbour decided to keep breaking into my house Sunday night. Through the bathroom, loft and cupboard under the stairs.

The dad from next door freed the person the trapped in the cupboard. And soon they were all our. Still freaked me out all night. I got no sleep and ended up using all night. Missed work. 

On top of that we decided to get a package delivered to work. My manager opened it so bingo. 

My heart broke it two. My parents even play psychosis when I'm sober. It's not fair. If I stop they should stop. 

I need help. Not just financial. I need them to realise I'm not perfect. I'm gonna fuck up.

Now they want me sectioned. Some where I get no help. No counselling. Nothing for my ADHD.

I want my ADHD treated more than life itself. 56mgs of Concerta and I'm a normal person. Crack and Coke don't work. Ethylphenidate doesn't work. All I want is a spliff at night to chill.

I'm so broken now. I loved my home. But my mum screamed I wasn't broken into I'm just mad Coz the drugs. I'd do anything. I hate the idea of rehab but I'd even do 6 months to keep my home. I'd stay at detox for 3 months.

Get of buprenorphine again and for good.

My home, I wanted to live their forever. I also want them to come and tell the truth  me. After rehab when I'm better for good.

Life is worth it for my home.

Otherwise I have no choice but to fight alone. I don't mind people knowing I'm a dirty druggie buf at least let them know I have ADHD. Least let them. Know it's legal Ritalin and not crack and smack.

If I go back there (Springfield) will also No I won't have the Energy to fight any more. Like Sonic the hedgehog it'll be game over. It'll kill me. Especially when I do you want the real help that need.

You've already destroyed and damaged me so badly. I know you hate me mum and dad please don't kill me

I will be out of your life so you might have to be bothered with me anymore. You can finally have your perfect family. I'll save a nice cash fund for P. Either then that I won't bother you anymore. 

I'm so tired and broken. I don't have much fight left in me. I have to try. But I'm not good at winning in this game of life.

If this you are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry I'm the worse child. I'm so sorry.

Guess this is good bye. I just hope it's not forever. But that is your calll. I need help but will you give it to me?

I loved you so much.

The worst child ever.

Jay