❤️ 1998 - 2015 - Once Upon a Time - My Journey To Legal High Hell

My drug use began with smoking cannabis. I was adamantly against drugs that was stronger. Aged 14 and a karate champion, I was more into sports, where I got my highs from winning championships in fighting competitions.

As I was unaware I had the disability ADHD at the time, but doing 8-10 hours of a strenuous karate, burnt off any excess energy I had. It was aged. 14-15 that I got my last nights' sleep without narcotic or alcohol assistance.

The lure of skunk and weed grew as I soon discovered, the girl who struggled to quiet her mind, had it quietened by this pleasurable green plant and aged 17 I gave up karate for fear I would be selected for a random urine sample at a tournament. 

By then I smoked huge amounts of weed. Choosing to spend my smoking breaks outside in the bitter cold, over the warmth of the allowed smoking rooms of the late 90's.

I was 17 when I first tried cocaine (I feel in love, but earning £3.15-£4.78 working as a Crew Member in McDonald's, meant cocaine was a luxury,at £30-£40 per gram) and ecstasy (£1-£10 per tablet, buying bulk secured the cheaper price) which soon be came my Drug Of Choice.

In order to recoup my costs, I starting shotting (selling). Buying St £1 and selling for £2.50-£5.00 depending on whether we were pub/bar/club whilst adding my own mental note as to whether they were able to sort me out should I take the pee and their experience with the drug.

Aged 21, I swapped pills for cocaine, which I also shot. I also added skunk to my remit for selling. By now I had also tried amphetamine, LSD, poppers and magic mushrooms. I had tested pretty much whatever I could, bar the big three. Crack, heroin and crystal meth.

Fast forward,5 years and cocaine (which became a huge addiction upon splitting from my boyfriend), was swapped for crack and opiates (Burprenorphine initially then heroin) was consumed to remove any crazy crack head fiending.

It took two years, but aged 28 I realised I was now slave to the dreaded opiate Master. I had just turned 29 and been addicted for a year, when I removed the dirty brown, and ensured I had buprenorphine from the street. I would crush a sniff three tablets well aware the bioavailability increased when administering through insufflation.

It wasn't until I reached 30, failed an attempt at withdrawing from bupe, did I finally seek professional help and self referred myself to Merton Community Drug Team (MCDT, soon to be Merton, Drug, Alcohol, Recovery Team or MDART.. 2018, now Engage Merton). The first time I visited I was interview by the psychiatric nurses, a senior team member. The initially crippling ashamed girl, isolated through chains she created herself, Ebenezer style, poured her heart out, no holds, no bars.

It was September and by November the Psychiatric Doctor had referred me for treatment for her ADHD.  This explained the immediate calming in my head upon taking a rock of crack. When I smoked crack, my illogical brain functioned like a normal person. Around 18 months after my key worker had referred her, and I had annoyed everyone, bouncing around the centre like Tigger at 9.30am before mental most people are fully alert. 

Finally two years after first attending MDART, aged 32, I  was treated for her ADHD by the Nutty Professor in December 2013. He soon was elevated to Godly status. Prior to treatment my head was a metaphorical kettle, all my stressed, anger and negativity would begin to invade my head, squabbling for most attention. More and more, and steam began to seep. Finally a blaze of crack, BLAM! Kettle off.  Now I had my saviour, methylphenidate (ritalin), and the same crack calming effect, minus the tacchacardia, damaged lungs and increase of cancer.

I had always worked, bought a flat at 25 and my house at 32. I was signed off due to my workload doubling and my means to cope removed. This caused me that much stress I managers suggesting I took the full six months off with sick pay. Prior to being prescribed methylphenidate I self medicate with ehtylphenidate. The legal high version. I had been spending £200-£500 per month

When attending ADHD clinic I met a other adult with the disability who frequently shot up crystal meth. He was healthy and full of life, any negative thoughts about shooting up were wiped away.

This is what pushed me to try heroin intravenously. The first two times it did nothing. Third time lucky though. It was now March 14 and I was aged 32.

As soon as I pushed that plunger, within 30 seconds it was 'WOOOAAAHHHH' I now know why people do this. I had what I can only describe, a full body orgasum. I was hooked.

It didn't take long for me to try ethylphenidate intravenously. Again I knew I could never take it rectally again.

The first rush hit me like a smack in the face. The rush was amazing and it  enabled me to cut down the amount I was using.

Within a couple of months by June 14, I had neglected to continue with my buprenorphine and methylphenidate scripts, with the latter being something I deeply regret.

I fell into a dark dank place where my life slowly became more and more consumed with getting drugs and using intravenously.

It didn't take long for my house mate to discover my works as I became more consumed with using and less bothered about discarding used works or hiding the ones I was using.

It was heroin that he tried first. Me finding and flagging a vein for him. I only did it once. After the first time I told him if he wanted to indulge in this disgusting habit he would be stabbing himself.

During the summer me and my house mate would finish DIY at midnight and retreat to the hot tub. However in October we took it down for the winter, and its removal paved the way for 24 hour using. Staying awake for 72 hours was common place.

We fell deeper and deeper into drug addiction. This is when my parents first 'created psychosis'. My friend truly believed there was another man in the house.

This caused massive arguments, and after one of these I finally disclosed to my friend I was using intravenously. She in turn told my father.

Inevitably the dreaded visit from him happened promptly. I was now weighing a pitiful 6 stone 10 pounds (94 pounds / 42.6 kg), only my promise of going to rehab seemed to satisfy him enough to leave me alone.

I returned to MDART, after a good 3 month break and was in detox within 10 days. An emergency admission.

However I still was trapped by the lure of using intravenously, something which was only halted with the ban on ethylphenidate in April.

I had a second detox and a stint in Springfield.

There's a replacement for ethylphenidate. Methylmethlyphenidate. I'm hoping I get my Concerta back as this was reduced and then removed in the two detox stays. 

If I'm told I can't have it back I'm likely to order some. But my medication means so means so much to me I'm holding out!

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❤️ December 1998 - Once Upon a Time - Ecstasy

The first 'hard' drug I tried was ecstasy and God, was it amazing. Seriously, if I could find E's like the old ones, I would be buying a massive batch now.

Pills these days are crap. I've taken a few in the last 5 years, and literally fell asleep 30 minutes after taking one. The best you could hope for these days is a decent amount of speed. No MDMA what so ever! The last decent pill I ever had, must have been around 2005/2006 when I went to Ministry of Sound, in Elephant and Castle on Boxing day. I got chatting to a DJ who worked in Spain. He was in the possession of some good old proper pills. Since then I've only wasted my money on crap.

It was New Years Eve 1998/1999 when I had my first taste. I was working in good old McDonald's whilst at college and a group of us were all going up town to some club one of my colleagues had free tickets for.

My new boyfriend, who too worked in McDonald's decided not to come, we had only been together for about a month, so I thought 'fuck it, screw him, I'm having a good time!'

We all met in the local pub and began the mammoth drinking session. It was around 7pm and me, my best friend C******* and my colleagues had all finished work for the day and had changed from out grease dented grey and green stripped uniforms into our best glad rags. The air hung heavily with a thick smoke from cigarettes as we downed our snake bites, martini's and ciders. I was beginning to feel rather drunk after a couple of hours drinking, and around 10pm, we hit the tubes to head for the club. 

C******* was a slim size 10-12 (UK, USA 6-8) had a pink rosey complexion and wavey, white blond hair, a little frizzy, that hung long and thick to her waist. She had icey blue eyes thanks to her mother's Polish heritage. She had large full breasts, a slim waist and larger hips and bum, earning her the nick name of Blond Jessica Rabbit.

I had yet to lose my puppy fat and wore a size 14-16 (10-12 USA). My chubby face hid my large eyes, the additional fat on my chubby cheeks also hid my razor sharp cheek bones. I too was large chested, but as an apple shape, lacked the curvy waist, and my narrow hips only increased the perception I was over weight. However teamed with chunky Spice Girl platforms and my hair worn with its natural corkscrew curl, I gave the impression that I wasn't too chubby and there was a vague figure lurking under my clothes.

It was that tube ride which changed my life. That tube ride that kick started my weight loss through indulging in stimulants. It would open up a world that offered so much pleasure, yet deathly pain. I was sitting next to R******, and as the tube started it grind to a half he turned to me and asked me a question that would change the rest of my life.

'Hey, J**, can you put this cigarette box in your knickers babes?' R****** asked.
'Yeah, sure, what's in it?' I replied curiously. Knowing it would be illicit substances my heart began to pound with anticipation.
'Just some weed, some coke, and a few pills' R****** replied.




My head began to spin, and it wasn't from the alcohol. Although I was pretty scared of pills after all the Leah Betts incident , I was also drunk, pissed off with my boyfriend's refusal to join me and curious about these pills.

'Can I buy one off you?' I asked with excitement. Before I had even considered  any negative consequences.
'Sure, £10'

I got my money out and promptly received my treasure. £10 was expensive back then, but I didn't know any better. 

The pill was strangely different from future pills I was to take, but back then I wasn't aware it wasn't the norm. It was a pale yellow pill, tiny and sugar coated (very unusual for pills to be sugar coated). No stamp, which is how you can recognise different pills. It reminded me of my contraceptive pill, and in my drunken stupor I dry throated it (taking pills without water) there and then.

We quickly changed tubes to the Victoria line, whilst I took the Silk Cut box from R****** and slipped it into my knickers, pushing it in between my legs, so the rectangular addition didn't show under my tight, Lycra red halter neck dress which shimmered under the harsh fluorescent tube train lights. 

I hadn't progressed to wearing thongs so I had no qualms over the safety of these new wonderful treasures now a part of my life. 

We sat down, me readjusting the cigarette box and engaged in a busy excited chatter that only colleagues aged 16-25 could be responsible for. The tube ride flew by and I had noticed any effects. It was only upon standing up when a rush from my tummy, rose into my chest, continuing to mu head. A wave of dizziness followed that. It felt like pure pleasure. Like ripples of indescribable happiness.

'I think it's starting' I said as I turned to R******.

'Is it?' A massive Cheshire Cat smile erupted on his face, followed by his trade mark, Frank Bruno-esq chuckle.

My eyes widened as the ecstasy began to continue its ripples throughout my body.

I kept in close contact with my friends as we joined into a mass crow, similar to little streams joining a massive, flooding river, as more and more groups of friends too jumbled into the huge mass of New Years Eve revellers. The air was static with excitement for what the night would hold. 

The icey cold December's wind startled me like a slap in the face upon leaving Oxford Circus Station, immediately turning me into Puff the Magic Dragon. Each breath exhaled created a cloud of condensation.

Soon we reached the club and due to our 10pm arrival time we bypassed the bustling queues that would be common place within 1 hour. We quickly found a table for our coats and my close friend sauntered over to the bar to fetch us both a drink. This is when I began to notice I was feeling more than just drunk. 

Whilst I knew I was sobering up from the alcohol due to the long tube ride, my head didn't appear to be sobering up. My vision was swaying to and fro, just like when you are very very drunk. 

However, the nauseating sickness that comes with being that drunk wasn't present. As I moved my head from side to side, it was as if a strobe light was flashing, that slow motion movement everyone appears to be doing, but there was no strobe light in the club.

In the pit of my stomach the most euphoric ball of love was beginning to radiate throughout my body, my veins and right to my head. 

'C*******, I'm feeling this pill I took,' I shouted over the loud music and eagerly swigged the bottle of alcopop purchased for me.

'I feel all drunk but there's no washing machine in my head'

'Is it good?'

'Yeah try one!'

C******* refused, I suspect petrified of her mother's discovery of such a heinous act. 

I had only had a couple of mouthfuls of my bottle of alcopop when I realised I probably wouldn't be drinking much more. The alcohol swashed synchronised to my dance moves. I felt like I was on a hover craft to the Isle of White.

'C*******, do you want this?' I shouted over the bass heavy garage music playing.

C******* staggered in my direction and snatched the bottle, almost losing her balance.

'ARE YOU GONNA BE ALL SOBER AND BORING?!'

'NO, I'M WELL FUCKED OFF THIS PILL' I replied.

Not long after the euphoria came the heat and feeling of sickness. My body began heating up and although I wasn't sweating apart from the single bead that dripped from my forehead, I was very hot. 

Suddenly mouth felt like it was full of sand 'C*******,  ANN YOU EASE GET ME A ARSE OF OUGHTER? (can you please get me a glass of water) my throat so dry a sandy desert looked moist in comparison.

I knew I was in no state to be mingling with the bar staff, I felt fucked, and most probably looked it too. C******* was my best friend, and although she was almost paralytic drunk, she was my saviour. Perfectly able to understand my messed up message and pretty soon after returned with a bottle of water.

I opened the bottle and knocked it back, however no sooner did I swallow the water, quenching my impending thirst, did I find it coming back up again. I knew I had minutes to get to the toilet. I raced the the though the club, pushing through the growing crowd of revellers, just managing to get my head over the bowl before I threw my guts up. 

And boy did I throw my guts up. I puked like I had never puked before, reching over and over again. I was surprised not to see my insides in the bowl when I had finished. I was now sweating from every pore and resting my head on the cool toilet wall brought great relief. 

All the alcohol I had previously drunk, the water, even my God damn lunch ended up in that toilet bowl. 'What a waste of alcohol' I murmured to myself.

But unlike alcohol sickness this was good. Before throwing up my stomach had felt like a water balloon, swaying through me with every movement. 

Now, my head was still swaying, my body still warm, and the big euphoric ball of love still running from my stomach, through my veins reaching parts of my body I didn't even know could feel like this. yet the washing machine in my stomach had vanished.

As I left the cubical, I did the obligatory rinse hands under water and caught my reflection in the mirror. My pupils had exploded into deep black holes. You couldn't even see the green of my eyes, just black. It made me look quite pretty if you could ignore the weird thing I was doing with my jaw.

I rushed back to my friends, 'C*******, I love you so much', I said upon reaching them. I wrapped my arms around C******* and kissed her on the cheek. 'I love you too' C******* slurred. She was still drinking, and barley able to stand.

R******, who was now buzzing as well, came over to me and wrapped his long lanky arms around me. R****** was an attractive black guy, not too dark, but about 6'5 and really skinny. He was smartly dressed in trousers and a shirt which he wore with the top few buttons open exposing the coffee coloured smooth skin adoring his toned torso.

'Have you come up then J**?' R****** asked.
'Yeah baby, fucking loving it' I replied, returning the hug, hanging from his shoulders. His aftershave now mixed with a faint man smell. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead and as I embraced him, the damp patches of sweat which soaked his shirt began to soak my dress in turn.

I had never felt so much love in my life, the warm feeling in my tummy was alien to me, but I liked it. I spent the rest of the night systematically drinking water to quench my thirst, dancing and throwing up until my stomach was empty again.

Around 3.30am we headed home. One of the side effects of ecstasy is you really need to piss. A lot. For some reason ecstasy heats you up, drying out your mouth, so you drink a lot, hence filling your bladder. And then you need to pee. It's not rocket science is it!

It was only 10 minutes after leaving the club and my bladder was already busting. 'Hey, you guys, I need to take a pee', I said, leaving G*****, R******, C******* and the others, while I ducked down an alley. I wasn't the only one taking a pee, a black guy in his 20's was having one too. 

After some small talk (while I was squatting, very lady like), he turned around to me, still very much holding his dick in his hand and said 'Have you ever had some big black dick darling?'

Thankfully I was pulling up my knickers and I managed to reply 'Ha, much bigger and much blacker than that!'

We jumped on the night bus and headed back to G*****'s house. I had to be at work at midday new years day, and it was already gone 4am. I gladly took the offer of some spliff, knowing I needed to come down off this buzz, but some how I knew my attempts where in vein. I wasn't coming down for some time yet.

Around 6am I went with L****  back to her house where I was staying, and we climbed into her single bed, top and tale-ing to save space. I laid there dozing but not sleeping until the alarm went off at 10.30am.

'L****, I've had about 30 minutes sleep' I exclaimed.
'You still looked fucked love' L**** replied. My pupils were still abnormally large. Oh well, work had to be done.

I did manage to do my 8 hour shift. God knows how I did, but I did. I was still dancing around in the kitchen, frying burgers and eating food was out of the question!

When I finally got home to my parents house I managed to sleep properly, and boy did I sleep. And when I woke I knew that this little magic pill, this pill that made my night amazing, was going to become a big part of my life.

And a big part of my life it certainly was.

Thanks for reading,

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