❤️ 29th August 2015 - Journal

I think I've fallen in love.With N.

My bestie mate since I was 25. He's got three down points

1) least important. He definitely needs to fix his teeth. Only part of him that looks a little junkie-fied. His new crew cur turns me on. And his blonde hair is sexy. I think if he grew the top to blonde Afro curls!! Hello!! I love a fro.

2) MAN UP! Biggest thing. If K**** wants to borrow money why you taking it to him. Why is your free loading sister moaning about borrowing a tenner she's getting back tomorrow. She pays shit to live here. She does shit. Including bath, washing, common curtsy.

3) get a job!!!! If you rent your flat privately you'll get £1,200 pcm. If K*** does the same she'll get £1,200. My bills are £1,000, but add £100 for extras and emergencies. 

So that's £600 in N's pocket and £600 in K***'s. And all the house bills paid. If N&S get labouring jobs they can earn £2-3,000k per month. So each couple has £2,000. Half of mine and Nigel's will be saved for home improvements. K*** will save for her kids. Meaning in a year. So with four kids that's £3,000k each per year. 

That means I can study my counselling

Courses and qualify as a drugs counsellor. N and S**** could do my ensuite and loft extension and garden.

It did panic me not being able to have a corporate job earning £30-£40k per year but now I'm looking forward to it. I'm definitely putting a floor in the loft, velux windows, storage in the eves and 2 bunk beds for students or travellers.

Life, may, just be pleasant and possible.

❤️ 11th August 2011 - Ibogaine Journal

Ok, well after my failed attempt of reducing / withdrawing from buprenorphine in the Dominican Republic, I’m now biting the bullet and doing it now.

There was way too much excellent cocaine in the Caribbean.. and although, unlike crack, when you sniff subbie it stops you clucking, I still sniffed and not reduced.

Since the heroin drought of 2009, I’ve been getting subbies off N****. But after losing contact for a week, begging S**** for methadone and ultimately buying Brown, I’ve decided to go for it. Started withdrawing yesterday. But Tuesday, the day before, I fucked it up by sniffing 2.5mgs so I could have one more smoke.

Anyway took about 0.2gs today just to get through work.

N**** stayed over and baby sat me! Just in case it got fucked up. By 9pm I was clucking bad.

Sick even.

Took a little tester at 9pm. You have to test first. And you have to wait until your Trainspotting sick before you have a proper dose of Ibogaine.

Apparently it’s a miracle cure.

I spent the night kicking, whilst N**** slept like a baby. 

I bombed it. That’s when you take a powdered substance and wrap it in rizla and swallow.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep.

❤️ 01st August 2015 - Journal

Well I've been a bad girl this week! Cocaine (powdered), crack and heroin. The cocaine was half sniffed and half injected, heroin one pin (injected) and two splifs. Crack, mostly smoked with a teenie, tiniest piece added to the brown to make a 'snow ball'.

Only a little bit naughty. 

Whilst most of you people reading will think 'Hur, that's terrible, you're still a needle junkie', I think a little emphatic view point may help you not think I am a complete and utter disgusting, drug fiend.

1) As it's been some time since I've use my first drug of choice. And I'm craving if bad. But once I start on ethylphenidate, I can not stop. This is the only part of AA/NA which I can resonate with. 'One hit is never enough'. This is the only drug which I didn't have control over, it controlled me.

2) So to reduce the constant craving to bang up speed I've been using a couple times a week. 

3) Yes I have injected on occasions, BUT I've also been sniffing coke. And the drug hierarchy is as follows 

* Bombing drugs or tablet drugs. Bombing is wrapping powder with a rizla and swallowing

* Sublingual or Cheek. This normally has a higher bioavailability 

* Sniffing 

* Rectal 

* Skin popping - using a needle to just go under the skin, this takes 20-30 minutes 

* Intramuscular - needle into muscle 

* Intravenous - needle into the vein  

4) As my parents made using in the comfort of MY own home, or their fucking house worse than the abuse I receive from the general public, I frequently used outside. This means most my local pubs, fast food restaurants,  park toilet, cemeteries, it goes on, are a trigger for me. 

It's like obese people complaining you can stop drugs or alcohol, but you need food and its everywhere. My using was everywhere. I do wish my parents let me have their house as a safe place to use. When I’m not being hounded I used so much less. Plus, I'd have a lot less triggering areas etched in my mind.

I'll fight these urges for the rest of my life.

I wish my parent stopped tormenting me and helped with my recovery. I needed help, not more chaos. I know I failed two detoxes, but it was like they washed their hands of me. My whole family. They did absolutely no research into addiction. Nor the fact the average addict has 8 attempts at sobriety. No, they dedicated their research into how to make their daughter think she’s mad. 

Add to that, the whole community knowing my problems, which ultimately make things worse. If everyone who tormented me, instead gave £1-5, I could have paid for an ADHD doctor to get my Ritalin, and had money spare for detox or rehab

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#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked