What is wrong with me? Mum and dad have just got back from a lovely, family holiday. Mum, dad, their daughter inlaw (the daughter they always wanted), their golden son, plus all their inlaws. No one from Nice But Dim's family was excluded. What a perfect family occasion with no one special missing.
Yes that's correct, I didn't even get an invite. Thanks guys. In fact, they kept it very quiet until they were back. I can only come to the conclusion, they didn't want me to ask if I could come.
No wonder dad is throwing guilt money at me again. I just wish they would realise that I'd give everything, the flat, the car, everything, just to be treated as Fat Cunt's equal. Not even the favourite. Just equal.
It's a nasty thought, but sometimes I wish Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim would split up. Even nastier, I hope I have my own family when it happens.
Should it happen, I won't let my parents come running to me to fill the void. Mum has two baskets, yet the majority of her eggs are in one. When the favourite breaks, she'll realise the lost the spare ages ago.
I long for my own family. My own children. I long for my own lovely inlaws. Someone who'll welcome me, as my parents do for Nice but Dim.
My mother already tells me that no pets are allowed on Christmas day only to welcome the Fat Cunt's dog Archie all day. She told me the same for Mother's day and I can bet £100 that mean's Fat Cunt is bringing Archie. If I say anything I get told the cats are over all the time. Why not be truthful and just say the Fat Cunt is bringing Archie, and I'd rather have the dog over than the cats.
She's also placed LOADS of pictures of the Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim and the inlaws, up in the house. When I have a family, I'll put up more pictures of my inlaws than them! See how they like it when the tables are turned.
Plus what makes things worse for me, is my brother's hatred for me. As he's the golden boy, my parents can never find fault and turn any negativity towards me.
Before he starting seeing Nice But Dim, we were cool. After a night out, if we returned at similar times he would knock on my door on the scrounge 'Got a line of Charlie?' or 'Can I pinch a tiny bit of green?'.
I'd end up pulling out my bed settee whilst he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his room. We'd finish the last couple of lines, necking the whiskey, whilst smoking copious amounts of my weed dusted with a tiny bit of his hash.
He was skinny, but would moan about his flabby chest... It was cool, it was nice, it was lovely.
Then Nice But Dim came on the seen. The final night of our friendship and the start of our hatred soon followed.
Nice But Dim was away and we had both been out. The knock came and again he came to join me. The two large final lines of cocaine were consumed, one each. He then proceeded to tell me he had cheated on Nice But Dim. 'When the cat's away the mice will play!' were his chosen words.
Clearly in a vindictive mood he decided to give me his opinion of my partner
'You're a dirty fucking nigga lover'
'You make me sick'
'You're lowest of the low'
'You sleep with dirty niggas and your children will be dirty fucking half breeds'
I asked him to leave my room, crying. He obliged. Half way through his Nazi speech the tears had started to fall, I questioned that his nieces and nephews would be mixed race, wouldn't he love them? He answered, with a smile on his face, a straight no. You would think he was discussing what he watched on TV earlier that day.
We have never been close since. Yes, Ok, he revels on receiving permission to knock out the dirty niggas fucking his sister when she finds out they were cheating on her, but that's where the love ends.
It makes me sad that the love has gone. I miss my brother. He can be a bully, turning the TV over when I'm watching something or talking loudly so I can't hear the TV. Even deciding to play with Archie and make him bark... anything to piss me off. Mum tells him off, but he just flashes a smile and all is forgotten.
I used to stand up for myself, but he would use his large body, loud voice and large stature to bully me into submission. We could never have an intelligent disagreement, he would start shouting and telling me to shut up.
Even though I'm honest to my parents regarding this, it's brushed off. Even the racism.
I recon he must have met a hard core BMP member or UKIP member. The Fat Cunt has been slightly racist since he was 13 and a black kid stole his boke.
A few ecstasy tablets, a few pints plus a neo-Nazi was easily enough to influence my brother.
I no longer argue. I'm quiet and meek. Unlike him, I attempt positive conversation. The Fat Cunt ignored my boyfriend for 2 years. When it was mentioned to my mother, she only snapped back that I had ignored Nice But Dim Once. What the fuck? If I had, it most probably was because I was pissed off and not intended to piss of Nice But Dim. See that big yellow thing in the sky? That's what the world revolves around, not you.
Yes I don't really like her. A) She speaks crap and B) No one likes my boyfriends so why should I bother? After the shit I had over my boyfriends, I anticipated the Fat Cunt would suffer the same abuse. I had hoped the grievance may strengthen our growing friendship.
But no. Nice But Dim, was perfect. Slim, clear skin, very pale with rosy cheeks. Black hair. Very Snow White. She's sweet, non offensive... But she does chat shit.
When I think of the shit I got at 17 when I asked if my 22 year old boyfriend could sleep downstairs on the sofa. At 18, Fat Cunt's 16 year old girlfriend moved in. And was welcomed.
So it does hurt Mum and Dad. Like a knife in my heart. But I pass trying to make you understand. You only moan that I'm too sensitive or jealous of the Fat Cunt. Or maybe I should try bringing you home a white guy hey Dad? Stop bringing lazy niggas?
Your cruel words and uncaring sentiments have dulled my emotions. I should be an actor. How many others can smile when their hearts cry?
It makes me feel worthless, at the weekends when they make a spontaneous visit. If it's cold the cats are locked in the kitchen. The door almost catching me as it's slammed shut. Both parents will leave me, regardless of whether I arrived 5 minutes earlier. When it's warmer, the dog gets the garden and the cats are shut out again alone with me
But I know nothing will change. In moments of anger I pray for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to split. Wanting my brother back. Wanting my parents admiration back.
So now I endeavour to be positive. I'm happy he's with her. They make each other happy. I'm still sad they take precedence over me, but dream that will be me one day. I will meet the rich guy. He will be the one. I will never want for anything. Every wish will be met.
We will have babies and travel. I won't have to work. He will like cats. So in the grand scheme of things. what you think doesn't really matter. I know that I'll certainly be fine.
(UPDATE 2018 - PUKE!... I had actually written an in-depth paragraph on exactly how this dream bloke was going to look as well!! Screw disclosing that. And I couldn't care about money now.)
