❤️ 31st April 2018 - Journal

D**** from work, who despite the nasty lies has grown quite close to me, brought me a cheap souvenir from his holiday. I gave him the £1 souvenir mission.

As he gave me the taccy souvenir, A** my manager said ‘oh, is that the drugs you’ve brought her back’.

This isn’t the first time. U***** the receptionist has commented my Amazon parcels are my weed delivery before.

They’ve ruined my career. It’s not well paying. But I get to help disadvantaged people into work. I know my career is over now. 

Thanks to my family 

I loved my career.

I was good at it.

❤️ 06th May 2017 - Journal

Well since the 19th April and my phone being hacked, my life has become unbearable.

Worst of all... I almost had a friend. A good friend. A sober clean friend to go out for a drink with with.

My new colleague D**. She loved me until that weekend. Then the communication stopped. Now her and B***** always go outside to slag me off. Every time I hit a target. 

All last week when I was late due to my alarm not going off.

Why would they destroy a friendship with a sober friend, I don’t know,

She has a lovely soul.

I hate being psychic as you can smile to my face, but I know your lying.

One day after work, B**** said to D**, lets walk to the station. I asked if I could join them. And the whole journey B**** was suddenly engrossed in a phone call and walking 10 feet ahead.

When ever I get a fucking delivery to work.... even those in fucking amazon boxes, someone will say ‘Jay is that your drugs’ or ‘Jay is that your weed?’

I know my alarms won’t go off next week and I’ll be late for work each day. Which just means they’ll hate me even more, and  I can fuck the chance of getting a reference and doing similar work, which I love.

I ain’t starting from the bottom again, serving coffee or cleaning toilets. I can’t even webcam coz they fucked my computer. So I’m straight to strip clubs / escorting when I leave and this stupid house still isn’t sold.

This will finally make my parents happy!! I’ll be a dirty prostitute, how better can I fill their description of being a dirty junkie than selling my body.

My career is over... the sad thing is... I loved my career.

But as this fucking house sale hasn’t gone through (I doubt the sale is congruent!), I still need to earn £1,500 a month. And as I can’t get a reference... and I can’t have a PC (coZ that means I could fix my hacked phone), so webcam work is out of the question, stripping and prostitution is my only option. 

Unless the house sale magically goes through. Unless I can sort out my phone. Unless I can move somewhere I feel safe and get a PC... I don’t have many other options.

I really wanna do it tomorrow. I did wanna finish my rabbit hutch... but I don’t think I can take anymore.

I think I’ll be buying a large canister of helium tomorrow. I don’t think you’ll hear from me again.

If I can leave my house and not be stalked.

If my phone magically unhacks itself

Sad thing is, my sober friend who wanted to rent a room from me... has stopped contacting me.

She’s obviously heard the dirty junkie lies. If I was living with a sober freak, I could hardly get wasted daily could I?

Right now, I’m gonna sell all my valuables. Buy a new phone if necessary, and spend the rest on drugs, for the most amazing binge before I kill myself.

I can’t see shit changing.

I’ve smoked 0.3g (£20) of white on Friday (haven’t used all week) and I’ve been abused horrifically due to this... well I’m absurd regardless. Whether sober, withdrawing from drugs.. whatever.. I can’t win.

I fucked up my last job, fair enough. THEY Fucked up my current job. For reasons I’ll never comprehend.

D**, you’re a lovely girl. I’m sorry the bullshit which they’ve said about me has destroyed the chance of us ever having a relationship. I would have loved to be your friend. You’ve got such a good heart.

Thanks for making me feel Like a human until the 19th. When you’ve gone through what I have.. you’ll understand how precious that was to me! You’re an amazing person and in another world, we’d be best friends.

By the time you see this, I’ll be dead. And at least I will have finally made my parent’s pleased!


Eternally sad Jay  x x 

❤️ 03rd May 2018 - Journal

Both today and yesterday my alarms didn’t go off got for work, making me super late.

I know getting a reference is out of the question now.

This gave B**** another reason to take D** outside to slag me off.

D** is no longer friendly... Which breaks my heart. I could have done with a sober friend to have a drink with.

B**** and D** try to make sure they leave without me... and if I join them D** ignores me and suddenly B***** has to make a call and walk 10 feet ahead.

I don’t know why they hate me so much... bar the deformation in the press.

I can’t even try to get a reference now. And as this stupid (fake) house sale hasn’t gone through, I still need to earn £1,500 after tax.

Costa Coffee ain’t paying my bills. I’d prefer to do webcam, but naturally my computer has been broken (coz if it worked I could fix my iPhone)...

So I guess stripping or ‘escorting’ is my only option now.

That’ll make them happy. As I’ll fit their description of a dirty junkie better and they can justify why they’ve evoked so much hatred for me.


At least I’ll finally achieve what I’ve always wanted. Making them happy.

❤️ 02nd May 2018 - Journal

J**** who buys cheap tobacco off me invited me in whilst her partner got the money. She’s got acrophobia and can’t leave her house. One would assume she would naturally have empathy for me, as I have disclosed my anxiety,


I was already upset... my phone had been hacked, the stalking had gone back to the max. Devon had be ruined. And I had smashed my new ornament getting into her block. Due to the excess stalking, I was on high alert. I was agitated and paranoid. I miss being anonymous. I sat in her flat and rolled a cigarette in front of her. She was insistent I smoked her tobacco, which is way too strong for me, so I refused. 

She could clearly see I was depressed.

Her partner returns as I was rolling it.  

She then said ‘Oh, just to say, there’s no drugs in this house’

Her partner shot her a dirty look and said
‘It’s just a rolly!’

Before rolling it, I held it out so she could see it was just tobacco.

I could feel tears brimming in my eyes. She knew me. She knew I worked. She knew I cared for 4 pets. And yet she had clearly read a bullshit article about me being a terrible junkie and thought I was going to roll a spliff of God knows what and smoke it in her flat.

I was going to stay for a cup of tea. Upon arriving it was clear I was vulnerable and not in a good state.

I rolled my cigarette and made my excuses and left. I could see her partner was pissed at her for saying that.

J**** followed me not only to the door, but half way down the stairs. That’s the furthest I’ve seen her walk. She’s a larger lady.
‘If you’re ever lonely, let me know, you can come over’
‘I’m always at home because my acrophobia’
‘Just give me a call if you need to talk’
The bull shit was flying and the guilt which was emitted from it, hit me like a sledge hammer.

She clearly realised she had fucked up. I’m not sure if her partner was pissed because he genuinely cared, or more likely, was concerned at losing his cheap baccy link.

The fact she walked after me, walking more in that one time than in every other visit ever combined, just confirmed the guilt.

I have realised a link from iPhone News has linked to my blog, naturally I couldn’t access it, and my tweets about it have now vanished. Clearly another bullshit article from the people I have never needed more in my life than what I need now.

I won’t be dropping tobacco to her again. Her partner can come to me. I’ll say due to bullshit being spread about me, I have too much anxiety to leave my house.

‘Imagine you’re an animal trapped in a cage at a zoo
And everybody is looking at you
And the truth is, fame is starting to give me an excuse to act like a recluse’