Then I realised....
There was no whispering, no reaction to my actions, no reading my mobile phone screen....
I wasn't being WATCHED!!
I burst into tear and sobbed and sobbed. Proper crying. I felt soooo happy and soooo normal.
It was so nice. But of course I've stupidly said this in my house... so no doubt I won't get another moment like that.
They probably all went out without me or something. Even though I've been saying what they're doing doesn't work. It makes me use more. So why not try something different and see if that changes the frequency of me using.
God bless those precious fleeting hours.
On another note, on Monday night I saw Tsega, my dead cat. I was sat in the front room alone and I got up to the kitchen. When I glanced back at the sofa I saw him lying right next to where I was sitting!!! He looked like the fat, healthy chunk of a cat he used to be. This is not how I remember him. I even glanced at the photo next to the sofa and made sure the image I saw wasn't a replica of one of the photos.
It wasn't.
It's the first time I've seen my boy since he was PTS. And now my last memory of him is not his cold, lifeless body in a cat carry case.
When your life is so desperately miserable, it's little moments like these which keep me going.
