❤️ Alcohol Detox / Withdrawal

So I decided to bite the bullet and withdraw from alcohol at home.

Partied Thursday afternoon until Saturday midday with a lot of dramas, heroin, fentanyl, crack, coke, benzos, buprenorphine, Zopiclone and weed.

Saturday slept all day only waking to order pizza and smoke weed. Sunday felt terrible. Drank one coke sized can of 6.5 larger. I glass of processo and 30mg diazepam. Lots of Zopiclone to sleep.

Yesterday one can of Stella, 2/3rd of a 35cl vodka and 30mg diazepam (I was easily taking 80mg before),

Today 1/3 35cl vodka and one Stella. I have another in the fridge for later. 1.5mg diazepam.

Yesterday I felt like hell. I went down MDART to see J but they were in their two hour work meeting.

Today I saw my counsellor and she was well impressed at the level I had cut down and my determination.

Said I still want detox. But 2 weeks arranged in advance over Xmas so I can withdraw from benzos and reduce opiates.

It's not been fucking easy. I've now experienced mild to severe opiate withdrawal, mild alcohol withdrawal (now) and mild benzo withdrawal. Whilst I know if severe alcohol and benzo withdrawal are very dangerous, bit on the mild scale, nothing beats opiate withdrawal. Then alcohol second and benzo last. But I was in detox with the benzo withdrawal and coming off other shit (speed), which probably made the benzo withdrawal less painful. I could sleep for starters. 

Just to kick of my anxiety my parents text to say they're coming over with a letter about the noise (Friday, yet to be written about). 

Straight away I craved a drink like mad. The craving was unbelievable. Definitely worse than the opiates cravings in opiate withdrawal (physical pain in opiate withdrawal makes it beat alcohol).

Said I would be out, took a benzo and hid in my room in the dark. Consumed with anxiety.

Just heard next door getting a bit heated. The son shouted something about crack heads. Clearly me. They've had a couple of 4am arguments, so pot, kettle and all that malarkey.

Just want today to be over. I have one Stella. I need to get some vodka so I can booty bump my benzo. It's easier to keep track of the exact amount you take (don't have to account for food). And it's much stronger.

But I'm living up to my name and waiting for some crack to arrive. 

ADDED LATER 

There was no letter about any noise!!!! They almost caused me to get drunk, ruin my taper, trying to get clean!! 

Nice family!

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Emergency Detox

Ok, so I had my appointment with my drugs psyche today. Stupidly I was using crack and heroin all last night and didn't sleep until 7am. Meaning I could not be awoken with my 10am alarm.

Woke up at 11.47am and my appointment was at 12pm. Got there at 12.25pm.

My psyche and the manager where both at this appointment. My psych probably wanted the manager there as I'm a pain in the arse.

I explained about the mess I'm in and the fact my new job wants me to start on the 9th. I've probably only been offered the role as someone else has pulled out. I don't want to lose it. 

Anyway I was basically told I have no choice but to have an emergency detox. It would take 14-21 days as it's alcohol and benzos.

I pleaded to just deal with the alcohol and let me home detox.

Again, told no. I could die.

I don't know what to do. My psyche said just to lie to the job and say I'm ill and start later. She said I couldn't go to work in the state I'm in. I guess that's true. But it's only the alcohol that's a problem. As long as I get off that I can taper the benzos and opiates myself until I can take annual leave for a detox. 

The only option I was given was to massively cut down on the alcohol and benzos myself. 

So I'm doing that. 

I haven't had a drink all day until now. Bought what I thought was a fancy cider, but it's some rank larger. At least it's 6.5 alcohol content.

I've not taken any benzos either. 

I've spent all day sweating and anxious. Didn't know if it was opiates, benzos or alcohol. But it's stopped now I've had a drink, so I guess alcohol.

I'm hoping the proper work arrives late for this new role, giving me some extra time. 

I'm saving my Zopiclone in case I get admitted. I'll will crotch them, along with extra Ritalin and a throw away mobile phone (as you're not allowed mobiles in the new detoxes they use). 

Told my psyche about the fentanyl, she said she was aware as I had emailed someone. Said Wednesday's appointment was only booked as I was going to ask to be sectioned. Dr. P threatened me with being sectioned until I promised her I would look after myself and not try to kill myself.

Once the meeting was over I disposed of my sharps. Almost chucked a pin with a little b out. Dr. P was NOT impressed.

She also made me speak to my drugs Counsellor and book an appointment.

So all I've heard all day is I don't have a choice over the matter of detox, I will end up dead otherwise.

Told Dr. P I saw my medical records! That I was green Zone for ages, then nothing, then red and black Zone (black is hospital.. detox..  nut house). She asked me how I saw the records, knowing I'm clever enough to easily swipe someone's computer log in and access the system... I got in trouble in rehab for swiping the staff door codes.

I replied freedom of information act, which is the truth. 

Kinda worried if I don't go detox it will fuck up my ADHD meds. Really worried about this job more though. 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ I HAVE AN ANGEL

Ok, so I was just waiting for my lethal dose of fentanyl and was hopefully gonna kill my self by the end of the week unless I sold my house or got a job.

So I was waiting for my viewing today. Really didn't want him to turn up. But he did... late. 

Explained new windows,'wiring, kitchen, boiler, radiators upstairs, conservatory, garden etc.

Found out he was buying to rent so said I had rented it and got £1,400 after fees. Said I wanted to go back to Devon with my friends.

He told me he liked me coz I was honest (said new bathroom needed as my tennants clearly pissed on the floor and said we did have mold until window), asked about damp and I said none. Asked about a funny patch (could have been damp) and I explained it was a blocked gutter... made me an offer on the spot! House sold.

Went drugs team to talk about detox. Switched phone off.

When I came out I had a message from the guy i saw for an interview yesterday about a job!!

House sold and I may have a job.

Can't stop crying 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal

I have returned to Springfield as instructed to take my Victorian Pharmacy opiates, buprenorphine. I must return tomorrow at 10am to be seen and officially discharged, by the consultant. I am currently on a section 2. 

I kindly have a section 17 implemented allowing me two nights of freedom.

From buzzing the door buzzer I'm swamped with misery and depression. I get flash backs to when my counsellor R*** and my social worker C******* brought me.

R***’s previous congruency has vanished Paul Daniel's style. Gone was the honesty which encouraged me to accompany her to the nut house. Instead she kept repeating that I mentioned there had been a larger than normal helicopter presence in my life. Apparently no helicopters are involved. I just seem to suffer an awful paranoia inducing coincident. Maybe I have a gravitational pull.

However R*** is a liar. I'm hurting real bad helicopters or no helicopters.

I have no privacy and my mummy and daddy think this is appropriate behaviour when dealing with a child who, at aged 33, should be able to do what the fuck they chose.

I hate you. I'll never love you. If I want to inject shit leave me alone to do it. Sabotaging my attempts only increase my drug use.

Seriously the treatment I've endured you would think I was a prisoner of war. A terrorist. A mass murderer. A baby raper.

But I'm far from it. I'm just someone who self medicates their ADHD.

My family are the ones who are sick in the head, not me. I'm kind, I live with karma in mind. I rescue animals. Help people. 

They need sectioning, not me.

My parents decided to create psychosis.  They’re the ones who need sectioning not me. 

They are sick. Psychosis is created in your mind through sheer terror.

My parents have made a nightmare, areality

 

They took a nightmare and made it reality, when helping me would have ended this hell we're all living. 

My parents decided to create psychosis 

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked