❤️ 07th July 2015 - Journal

The one joy of a stimulant addiction is its appetite suppressing qualities.

Ok, weighing less than 7 stone 7 pounds or 105lbs renders me into a living skeleton with my sagging skin making my breast appear to look like spaniel dog ears. My bicep on my upper arm becomes thinner than my elbow. My ribs and hip bones become painfully sharp and whilst lying on my side I still have a prominent thigh gap, something I am rather grotesquely still proud of.

But if I am able to hover at 7.10lbs/108lbs to 8.3lbs/115lbs I am finally at a low enough weight where my annoying pot belly, one of the joys of being apple shaped, loses enough fat to prove I do have stomach muscles.

Being apple shaped means I can fit a UK 6 or USA 2 and still have a rounded tummy, looking like I'm slightly pregnant or have just been to Pizza Hut all you can eat lunch time buffet.

I have to hit the lowest weight for my height (8.4lbs/116lbs) to finally lose my rounded tummy and achieve a toned, flat tummy enough to rival a Victoria Secret model.

Being fat from aged 10-18, my weight has always played a huge part in my life. I've always had top weights, once 10 stone (140lbs) now 9 stone (126lbs) which upon hitting means serious dieting and exercise must be embarked on.

Although I must have hit an all time low in the height of my addiction of around 6.7lbs/91lbs, and completely aware of my grotesque appearance, I enjoyed and now miss, the removal of the nagging voice telling me I'm too fat, I must exercise, 10,000 steps a day, stave off eating for as long as possible due to my inability to refrain from binging in the evening.

In order to sleep with my ADHD, smoking weed is a nightly appearance and the inevitable munchies catch me each time I do so.

This is why is was easy to fall into the clutches of benzodiazepine addiction, as these too lulled me to sleep, without creating a mad hunger for sweet treats like cannabis unfortunately does.

Due to my binge at the beginning of the month, I was forced to face an annoying 3 week binge. 3 weeks due to one week using speed!! It's so unfair.

Thankfully the enormous hunger I had has faded away, but I am far from happy at the weight I am now at.

And yep, she's back again, the nagging voice screaming I'm fat.

I'm hoping to lose half a stone and tone up. Oh the joys of sober life.

❤️ 14th July 2015 - Journal

Ok, here's more evidence that I am perfectly sane of mind, and have always been so, even during the height of my ethylphenidate addiction.

So, I haven't seen my brother, girlfriend and one of the reasons I am still alive, my gorgeous, perfect, wonderful, niece P**** since Christmas.

If I die, and remain childless, my home, belongings, pets, everything, is for her and her only. I know she'll grow up to know she doesn't see her scummy junkie Aunty as she's a dirty druggy. I do hope she's told I suffer from ADHD which is why I have had drug problems.

Anyway, since Christmas I have only encountered the 'psychosis' version of my brother and his girlfriend. I call these versions Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. Nice But Dim actually pretended to be a bunny at one stage... Don't ask... Scratching around under the sofa. 

I was rather accommodating to Nice But Dim. I'd leave the room so she could leave her hiding place. She was still incredibly mean to me. Stealing the locket of my dearly beloved Tsega's fur (RIP my baby), making mess on the floor as she's aware I would clean it.

Not only was this mean to me, but my terminally ill, cancer stricken mother, would only have to deal with the mess after I had given up on trying to sweep a floor that she would continually blow more mess from under the cabinets or sofa.

I suffer from OCD as part of my ADHD, so am particular about certain things.

I have, naturally, been very nasty to Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. However it was asked for as they tormented me to high heaven.

Fat Cunt even refused to take a beautiful bunny toy I bought for the light of my life. I even wrote a story to go with him. It was about my bunny Cyran, killed by a fox. In the story instead of dying he dug a hole to escape and burrowed into their garden.

Upon seeing a beautiful baby and kind mummy he went to live with them.

That broke my heart. Hate me, deny me seeing her, but how can you refuse a toy bought with real thought and much love.

She doesn't deserve to miss out on being spoiled because you hate me. 

Anyway she's just turned one. I must have spent between £70-£100 on my princess. Another bunny toy, giraffe toy, paddling pool, garden tunnel, two light up bath toys, two cheap bath toys, roaring lion toy... Probably more too.

She had two birthday celebrations. I even made the tower for her birthday cake as my mother's one, professional cake maker, was rubbish. And that's being kind.

Yet I was invited to neither. If invited I would have come and watched her open my presents and left. Yet denied that joy.

Sad as seeing her is a real incentive to stay clean. 

I asked my mother why I wasn't invited. She replied I had upset my brother and his girlfriend. Now when confronted about my 'psychosis' being real, she's denied with such certainty you would believe I was trying to convince her the sky was pink.

So, I have had NO contact with my brother or girlfriend. Therefore the encounters I've had, are definitely with Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim.

So I am perplexed to say the least as to how I've upset them.

In fact, although I was incredibly malicious to the psychosis versions, I was also heart felt. Told them precious P**** was to inherit my 3 bedroomed house, expensive gold, teddies and more.

I told them she either rented my home out or sold it and then the money, which is in excess of £120,000 equity, was to be placed into a saving account to be given to her aged 25.

I also swore should all the girlfriend's family and mine and any reasonable friend's die, and P**** needed a home, I'd change my life substantially to care for her.

I also poured my heart out about being a child and fond memories. Such as buying my brother a toy lizard in primary school and a bully stealing it from him. Of course I retrieved it. Buying him a South Park badge when hearing he was bullied in High School. 

The nights we would both come home fucked and he would knock on my door asking if I had any pills, coke, weed or other.  How we'd sit up all night in my room, him on my bed settee, chatting loved up ecstasy till dawn. 

Still they would do the most evil things to torment me. They played, via a speaker from my next door neighbours window, a sound of an animal being dragged to its death by a fox I'd guess.  The noise got fainter and fainter until it stopped. Now it sounded bait as the noise, the animal's cry, never varied each time.

Then they tried to play it again. I stated

'Don't play that noise. It upsets Orion and the pets (Orion is my Bengal). It doesn't bother me, but Orion gets distressed. No matter how much you hate me, don't upset my animals. I'd never do anything to hurt A***** (their dog) no matter how much I hate you' the noise stopped after that comment.

I'll probably go away for Christmas this year. I'm getting a large redundancy package as they're well aware their bullying resulted in me being the UK's most famous junkie after Amy Winehouse (RIP) and Pete Doherty. That way they can have the perfect family Christmas without worrying my presence will prevent the perfect son and co. attending

Oh well, it's not my fault, 'Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive'

Mwah Jay x

❤️ 14th July 2015 - Junkettes

I've noticed some recent surge in my notoriety. So let's share, the negativety inducing, resulting in my drug abusing, Junkettes!

Thursday 9th July, midnight, 163 Bus from Morden

Lad, aged 16-18, not drunk but upon realising I had caught him staring at me, promptly pretended to be. I love staring a weak Junkette out. Makes them real uncomfortable.

Thursday 9th July, midnight, Oakway SW20

Couple on other side of road. Female 'She's the one with' whispers 'coke'

Me 'COKE' 

Me 'Crack actually'

Thursday 9th July, midnight, Southway SW20

I so happen to gaze on these arseholes from my bedroom window. Always with a bottle of wine open on the table. Therefore clearly alcoholics. But alcohol is legal so they're clearly allowed to cast judgement on me. Someone who self mediates their ADHD. They came out to have a good stare whilst I burned a splif.

I gave them a Jay special one finger salute. Queue the lady walking right to the end of the garden and the obese man pretending to look next door 

Here's their daughters. I'm someone's daughter too. So I can't see a problem in this. Will definitely get them too 

Alcohol addicts who think they have some moral high ground over a stimulant addict

See you on the park bench arseholes