Ok, weighing less than 7 stone 7 pounds or 105lbs renders me into a living skeleton with my sagging skin making my breast appear to look like spaniel dog ears. My bicep on my upper arm becomes thinner than my elbow. My ribs and hip bones become painfully sharp and whilst lying on my side I still have a prominent thigh gap, something I am rather grotesquely still proud of.
But if I am able to hover at 7.10lbs/108lbs to 8.3lbs/115lbs I am finally at a low enough weight where my annoying pot belly, one of the joys of being apple shaped, loses enough fat to prove I do have stomach muscles.
Being apple shaped means I can fit a UK 6 or USA 2 and still have a rounded tummy, looking like I'm slightly pregnant or have just been to Pizza Hut all you can eat lunch time buffet.
I have to hit the lowest weight for my height (8.4lbs/116lbs) to finally lose my rounded tummy and achieve a toned, flat tummy enough to rival a Victoria Secret model.
Being fat from aged 10-18, my weight has always played a huge part in my life. I've always had top weights, once 10 stone (140lbs) now 9 stone (126lbs) which upon hitting means serious dieting and exercise must be embarked on.
Although I must have hit an all time low in the height of my addiction of around 6.7lbs/91lbs, and completely aware of my grotesque appearance, I enjoyed and now miss, the removal of the nagging voice telling me I'm too fat, I must exercise, 10,000 steps a day, stave off eating for as long as possible due to my inability to refrain from binging in the evening.
In order to sleep with my ADHD, smoking weed is a nightly appearance and the inevitable munchies catch me each time I do so.
This is why is was easy to fall into the clutches of benzodiazepine addiction, as these too lulled me to sleep, without creating a mad hunger for sweet treats like cannabis unfortunately does.
Due to my binge at the beginning of the month, I was forced to face an annoying 3 week binge. 3 weeks due to one week using speed!! It's so unfair.
Thankfully the enormous hunger I had has faded away, but I am far from happy at the weight I am now at.
And yep, she's back again, the nagging voice screaming I'm fat.
I'm hoping to lose half a stone and tone up. Oh the joys of sober life.
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