❤️ 30th August 2017 - Journal

Ok, so my mephedrone arrived and me and N banged it up. It was ok.... until about midnight - 1am.

Then it switched.

All of a sudden I felt my parents playing 'let's pretend to get Jay sectioned again. This is my biggest fear and I would definitely overdose if I was forced to go back into a mental hospital

What made it worse was N started playing along with this stupid games.

Hey shut my front door so it looked as though it was closed and locked with the ironing board placed in front of it to stop any intruders coming in, however the two had not even been shut, so could be pushed open from the outside. Also the back door is open and my bedroom window wide open also in the back doors open and my bedroom window wide open.

I asked him to get my charger and clearly he wanted me upstairs because I'm lazy and I didn't want to go so he went upstairs and glanced in the kitchen before he went upstairs to see if he was giving someone a look

And that's all I can say means to an end I can do I needed to get from him online so when I've moved doesn't really matter

❤️ 27th August 2017 - Journal

It was my dad's birthday on the 24th August.

Normally I am invited out for the celebrations.

Needless to say there's been no invite my way.

And it now make sense as to why I had 2 hours peace on the 22nd.

Clearly my brother must have been working nights on the 24th, so they had a nice family dinner on the 22nd. Of course when I say family, that means without me. 

❤️ 25th August 2017 - Journal

Well it's like it's 1987 where I live... I have two postal deliveries.

Unfortunately mine aren't both from the Royal Mail.

One is legit and the second is my family replacing the post they have previously stolen.

So my veneers from China, which arrived in a brown padded envelope, just like my drug deliveries, arrived later.

Haha! Cunts!! They're watching me so they know I am not getting my drugs delivered elsewhere.

Had an offer of £320,000 on the house. I'm after £325,000. The estate agent told the person £330,000, but I messaged them to say I'd accept £325,000 so they hopefully make the offer.

My mate in Plymouth is up for house hunting with me. She needs a room to rent, so I have a housemate already. The £300 from the DSS will come in handy. And she's a nice girl.

Yesterday I spent the day distracting myself. I'm only writing this now coz I'm on coke. 

I spent hours playing a game.

I can't deal with thinking.

I hurt too much. 

On a plus note, I have around 90 zopiclone, are 15 diazepam, 60 propranolol and about 24mg of buprenorphine. Enough to OD.

❤️ 23rd August 2017 - Journal

Last night there was 1-2 hours where I was watching some boring documentaries. I was drinking some wine and I had ordered Chinese food which I was sharing with Orion... 

Then I realised....

There was no whispering, no reaction to my actions, no reading my mobile phone screen....

I wasn't being WATCHED!!

I burst into tear and sobbed and sobbed. Proper crying. I felt soooo happy and soooo normal.

It was so nice. But of course I've stupidly said this in my house... so no doubt I won't get another moment like that.

They probably all went out without me or something. Even though I've been saying what they're doing doesn't work. It makes me use more. So why not try something different and see if that changes the frequency of me using.

God bless those precious fleeting hours.

On another note, on Monday night I saw Tsega, my dead cat. I was sat in the front room alone and I got up to the kitchen. When I glanced back at the sofa I saw him lying right next to where I was sitting!!! He looked like the fat, healthy chunk of a cat he used to be. This is not how I remember him. I even glanced at the photo next to the sofa and made sure the image I saw wasn't a replica of one of the photos.

It wasn't.

It's the first time I've seen my boy since he was PTS. And now my last memory of him is not his cold, lifeless body in a cat carry case. 

When your life is so desperately miserable, it's little moments like these which keep me going.

❤️ 04th July 2017 - Journal

Well I saw the fuckers trying to leave last night at 1 AM. Orion escaped so I had to leave the window or door open. Which meant they couldn't leave. Haha fuckers!!

Should the press all the police investigate my murder, that you were in Pipewell Road. The first house on the street on the right hand side when you look from my house. Now their actions have resulted in my death, this is the murder case. I highly doubt Tom Dick or Harry is going to live for them now.

OMG! I've taken Adderall. I feel so normal. Last night I took four Propranolol. I was wrecked today. The Adderall hasn't given me any energy or motivation. But I am so serene. My head is deafly still and quiet. I have no anxiety. It's amazing. I know the Adderall isn't real either. I have no speedy effects whatsoever I'm just calm.

❤️ How It All Went Wrong (Thanks To My Family)

1) Their constant surveillance made my ADHD worse and made me miserable. So naturally I wanted to use drugs to self medicate.

2) They also stalked me when I was sober and clean, to made me want to use it to give them something to fucking watch.

3) I have seen them previously put little speakers under my floorboards from next door's house. I am now dead due to murder my neighbours should be able to confirm this. This gives the impression that somebody else is in the house whispering.

4) Although I ignore this it's still effects N badly. My parents know that N sorts me drugs. However, he fancies me and the response lead him to believe I am hiding man in the house.

5) Queue massive arguments. N is no longer talking to me and won't get any drugs.

6) So I set up a bit coin account and purchase from Silk Road 

7) As i'm under constant surveillance and my phone is hacked to I'm aware they know about my order. So I don't get it delivered to my address. They also frequently enter my property without permission and deny this. I have intercepted my post before. So are used my work address.

8) My Manager opens my post

BLAM

GAME OVER

❤️ Game Over

As you are aware I've fucked up my life, so it's game over.  If you're reading this I can only assume I've been successful with regards to suicide. Yay! I'm dead!

This blog will contain my thoughts, feelings,  my suicide letters, documented abuse and information from previous diaries and memories.

This blog also document what I want to be done with my stuff.

For starters, I want the world to know, I am tired of their games. So tired I saw no other way out, other than death. They know this but they still carried on. I felt pity for a school boy who committed suicide after relentless bullying. Then I realised what I'm going through is worse. Not only am I relentlessly bullied, but it is also the people who should give me solace from behaviour like that. 

Not only am I tired, but there is no respite. it was inevitable it would go this way. I can only assume they want me dead, Else why did you keep pushing me away. You pushed me when I was in opiate withdrawal, olanzapine withdrawal, when I'm sober after rehab. Is it any wonder I returned to drugs?

You made me miserable... so Iused.

You gave me anxiety... so I used.

You made my ADHD worse... so used.

You stopped me sleeping... so I used.

You made me paranoid... so I used.

You made me scared of you and my own home... so I used.

I don't actually like HAVING to use. I like wanting to use. You made me do the former.

If you just left me alone I'd still be here.

So goodbye. I hope you're happy. I am. I finally know the truth and I never have to see you again. Because you're all going to hell for what you've done.

❤️ In The Event Of My Suicide

If you have been alerted to this blog, I am dead. I committed suicide, but it's not really suicide. I believe it's murder. I believe my family tormented me and tormented me, until I killed myself. They denied this and claim it's drug induced psychosis. But they never stop.

I had psychosis when I was clean. I had psychosis when I was in opiate withdrawal. I had psychosis when I was in olanzapine withdrawal.  I had psychosis from taking Nytol. I had psychosis after rehab. 

I didn't have psychosis at all when I went away for two emergency detoxes.  Nor gwhen I was in Springfield. Even though I was still chronically abusing speed, benzos and weed. I smuggled my works in and was injecting just as much speed in there as I was using on the outside. I didn't have a psychosis in rehab. Know if I used excessively outside my home or their home.

I do know I do not have psychosis. I know all of these sick evil things are done by my family. So I'm going to document them for you.

If I am truly mad, please use this information to write an article on the dangers of drug abuse and my subsequent downfall and suicide.

However, if indeed I am correct, I was in the Sun and my family did arrange for me to be mass stalked, abused me,  tormented me and traumatised me. This should make an interesting read. 

Seeing as the Daily Mail briefly followed me on Twitter at the height of my fame, I suspect the latter is true.

I have made everyone aware of this blog prior to taking a massive drug overdose. I am dead now. Unless my family admit they are tormenting me and have called an ambulance. 

Facebook details of the sick things they have done and the subsequent kind in my mental health. Even though my family are well aware of what they are doing and the result of their actions are my suicide. This blog proves they want me dead. They could have stopped and left me alone that they pushed and pushed me. 

I did not commit suicide I was murdered.

By my family!

When I needed them most they destroyed me. It broke me. I used to love them so much. Now I am scared of them. I am petrified.

I am scared of my own home, due to their own relentless disgusting behaviour. They have driven away the one person I had supporting me. My fear of my lack of privacy and the misery they cause me was the catalyst for the whole mess which occurred prior to my death.

They have destroyed me.

If I was a normal 36-year-old, I could have picked myself up, told them some bullshit and carried on. Not having any privacy has killed me. Having people enter my property and leaving my front door unlocked, or moving my belongings around, or leaving a big window open so my beloveds cat could've escaped, destroyed me.

Do you know my cat is the only thing keeping me alive. If that doesn't prove they want me dead I don't know what does. 

So enjoy reading the truth (not the bullshit in the Sun) about the worlds evilest parents.

❤️ 22nd August 2017 - Journal

Today I woke up to a letter posted through my letter box. As if the postman had been. Only for the postman to arrive about half an hour later and put two items through my door. The first letter was a letter about stopping my mortgage for two months. Clearly someone had taken it and read through it. 

I am really sad about leaving London, but little things like this remind me I have no choice.

I was also at the library trying to apply for a job, but my stupid security camera kept on moving and I couldn't get it to face the door again. This caused so much anxiety because they keep coming into my house without permission, I had to leave.

I am going to buy alcohol now.... anything to releave these horrible feelings I am subjected to daily, because of them. 

❤️ 2017 - THE TRUTH

Ok, here we go. This is being written especially for the residents of Pershore Grove who have done their upmost to enable my family to torment, abuse, stalk and harass me.

Here is the TRUTH!!

Ok, firstly, I have got myself into a bit of a mess. However, if my friends weren't tormented and I had privacy and security in my home, this mess would not have happened in the first place.

I'm a 36 year old woman. It's my human right to have privacy.  I should also be able to feel secure in the home I worked hard for and I purchased!!

However thanks to you supporting my parents, I am faced with no other choice but to sell my and move far far away to escape their abuse.

For starters, I spent 14 weeks in rehab, but that wasn't good enough for my family. Upon leaving they still watched me 24-7 . The manager of the rehab was even going to let me stay the additional two weeks even if I didn't receive the funding, as she was so concerned about me returning back to living with them. 

I'm not going into what happened, but ultimately I lost my job due to their abuse and lack of personal boundaries.

Yes, I did have a period where I was using a lot of drugs. But that stopped. However they didn't.

They continued to torment me to the point my friend has to live with me so I was able to get some respite. They would constantly whisper when I was in the house alone, reading everything I do on my phone and watching me 24-7. I cannot use the bathroom, have sex or masterbate without being watched.

As I'm in financial difficulty I thought I would sell MY share certificates to help me get through this period. However I stupidly mentioned this in my house and they disappeared. 

My family are well aware should my money run out, suicide is likely. I can only come to the conclusion they clearly want this, or why steal my share certificates. Not so much a loving family eh?

They steal items from my home, only to replace them the next day. They clearly want me to think I'm mad. I already have ADHD and mental health issues. Would a loving family who care about me want to make these issues worse??

There's no respite for staying clean. Nope, none at all. I stay clean and I'm still tormented. After a few days I am desperate for a break of these negative torrential feelings. Can you really blame me for using?

They make me constantly feel anxious. It's well know anxiety is a major cause of drug abuse. If they wanted me to stay clean, why give me so much anxiety??

I feel so desperately sad due to their behaviour. They know this. There's many a time, when I know I'm being watched, I've pleaded with them to knock on my door and tell me the truth and I'll stop injecting and using hard drugs. They never knock on my door. I feel so constantly sad. Again, why would they continue to make me so sad that I will do anything for respite?

Their behaviour makes both my ADHD and OCD worse. Again, they know that self medicating these conditions is what brought me to drug addiction in the first place. Yet they continue to make both of these conditions worse.

All it took was one relapse! My first relapse after detox and this crazy behaviour started.

Let me ask you all, do you really deem constant surveillance on a 36 year old necessary? And it's not just the surveillance. It's the whispering , the noises in my house, the stealing things, the unlocking of my front door when I've just paid £100 for new locks.

This IS NOT about drugs. They clearly want me to think I'm mad. And they clearly want me to kill myself.

They've spent thousands turning my dream home into a house of horrors. The people who should be helping me in times of need. But instead, all they've done is push and push me to use all for a blissful few hours of respite.

I went to north London for a treatment I booked and I was even stalked there with some bloke watching me and saying aloud 'YEAH, SHE'S GOT BLONDE HAIR'

I've caught them on camera stealing from me and I've caught a family member I do not talk to entering my property. I did have a really good incriminating video, but of course they went to extreme measures to make sure this was deleted off my phone and online account. Their stupid secret and game is what is important here. Not me... not me staying clean.. not me picking myself up and finding new employment... nope none of that. Their game of abuse and torment is all that matters.

I try to stay clean. But after a day spent job searching when you come home to a glass of wine and are trying to watch TV in peace, only to still be tormented, it's not hard to see why I crack.

Yes, I have a problem with addiction, but addicts need support, or else they relapse. Not only do I not get any support but my family actively continue to abuse and torment me. Is it any wonder I relapse??

Yesterday I tidied up, did some craft projects, visited my mother in hospital. Came home, watched TV and went to bed. And as soon as my friend was asleep they started making noises appear to come from down stairs in my house!!! What have I done to deserve this? I didn't use. Why make their single 36 year old daughter scared to be in her own home??

They are nasty pieces of work and all you've done is enable them. 

I will ALWAYS have additional mental health problems because of my family. I will always be paranoid.

I don't even want to go for job interviews or to look for work because I come home to an unlocked door. They clearly don't want me to find employment.

So thank you all for ensuring I am a complete outcast. For believing their lies. They are not concerned in the slightest about me, my wellbeing or myself staying clean. All they want to do, is make me think I am mad!! Tough love?? No, sick, warped, twisted, evil behaviour!!

Please please look at what you have witnessed and look at what I have written above and answer honestly... is this treatment normal? Would you do this to your adult children? Especially if they needed support and help. Would you undertake behaviours which only increas their drug use? Would you have your single adult daughter stalked by strange men? Would you make her petrified to be in her own home? Would you watch your adult children 24-7? Would you steal from them? Take their post? Go through everything, right down to their rubbish? (I noticed my rubbish was regularly tampered with when I was stuck living in their house). Would you hack their phones? Read every single text, email and listen to every phone call? To the point where I have to wait until I leave the house to deal with my business.

All I want is to be happy. I was happy in rehab. I craved drugs around 4-5 times in 14 weeks. They know I'm not happy now and they go above and beyond to ensure I remain that way.

They are the sickest family in history. I am so sad I got stuck with them, instead of a family who cares about me.

But, the good news is, if you're reading this I'm finally free!! I've either moved very far away or I've killed myself!! Either way, I'm incredibly happy, I'm free from my abuse and I'm in a better place now.

Feel free to read the rest of this blog to see the other sick things they've done.

Love The Junkie with a kind heart who you all ran out of town.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked