I can't wait for my pets to die sometimes. Because then I can die. I am worthless. I must be. Otherwise my family would have kept my problems discreet and helped me. Not given up after the first couple of failed attempts. They took my career. I had many exciting offers of self employment in the pipe line before they did what they did.
Then, the emails stopped getting replies. I fling myself further into drug addiction. Self employment would have given me a reason to stay sober. Meetings, events, writing proposals... All gone. Drugs filled that void, although the reason was unbeknown to me at the time.
I doubt I'll ever work in my chosen industry again.
They could have done what ever they wanted to me, as long as they kept my problem private.
They destroyed me. Even if this had all been psychosis, it would have been private. But their get the whole of the UK to make our daughter think she's mad, means the whole of the UK knows I've stumbled upon challenging times.
Before I had a chance to meet people before they judged me. Now people already have a warped view of me. Even the truth would be better. I self medicate my ADHD. Least some would have empathy.
They just believe I'm so mad raving junkie with no reason for my affliction. No one wants to grow up and be a drug addict. At least regular drug addicts get a second chance. They can still be known as a person, not a junkie, by people in the new part of their life.
This blog is my pathetic attempt at righting their wrongs. I'm never gonna do it am I? I have to fight for everything from now on. And I don't think I have enough fight in me to do this for another 40 years.
If anyone even attempted to breed with me, social services would jump on my back. Watching me like a hawk. Not that I have any intentions of ever having children now.
Undoubtedly I'll have to rent out my spare bedroom. No more private living. Sharing will be a necessity.
Orion was born in 2008, so is seven. Fyver is 2-3, Fluffy 7-8. Orion is my Bengal so ten more years for him. Same with Fyver, my rabbit. Fluffy is his bonded lady friend. Originally advertised as 5 years old, but her old owner mentioned possibly being seven. Advertising a second hand rabbit at 7-8 is much more challenging to re home, than a five year old. People don't realise rabbits can live for 10-15 years.
So, I have 15 years tops I recon.
Life's not worth living without a family or / and career. And although my job wasn't pleasurable, my career was!
I'd love to retrain as a counsellor and work with other drug addicts. But that's 3-4 years away. And it's funding a mortgage, household, pets and the courses.
That's why, like a naive optimistic puppy, I pray I can tell the truth. I'm sure it would be financially lucrative. Enough to pay for £5,000 - £10,000 of education. Maybe a new car. Money towards my ensuite. This Morning Interview, Closer Magazine, The Daily Mail or The Mirror. Public speaking, events, charity work.
My front garden is large and not able to house vehicles. I'd like to build a cataory for people in drugs detox or rehab to use. Non profit making. They'd pay only for food, litter and electricity. They could pay me or buy their own. Two pens for up to four cats.
I also want to adopt rescue hens. Ex-battery ones. Grow vegetables. Have tunnels underground for my bunnies. Love a real hot tub. Will have my bar, circle patio, circle seat, fire pit and a shed to put the bar in at winter. With electricity. A fridge, and neon bar sign saying Jay's Bar. A big parasol over the seats. Metal flamingos, parrots.
A white wall around the whole garden. With sparkling gem stones stuck on. Think Spain, Greece, Turkey. Tropical plants. A cherry tree to add to the apple one I have. Strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, carrots, lettuce, potatoes, cabbage.
The loft in my house can be extended into. I've made it from a two bed, to a three bed. The box room will be a walk in wardrobe. With plastic, glass style bricks at the top of the new wall separating the two rooms in a deep ruby red. My room, the balcony over the stairs, will be extended 10 inches or so. Wall built, half normal materials half glass style bricks again. This time Fushia pink and deep sea aqua. Hopefully it'll be a wet room. Maybe just a WC. The bathroom is downstairs.
I'll hopefully be able to rent part or the whole house, to holiday makers and save some money. Maybe I can house swap so I can have a holiday at a bargain price of transport only.
If I am blessed enough to study, maybe I'll have a career again. Maybe my opinion on living will change. If I'm able to tell my story, maybe I won't be seen as a monster and have a family. But I am not hopeful. That would require my family to admit I am right about my accusations. They were sick and evil at times. They didn't go about it the right way. Although I was deteriorating and it clearly wasn't working, they did continue.
I only failed at two detoxes. Some junkies fail at 10, 20. I was punished more than what could be imagined. And couldn't you all see, I was already punishing myself adequately. Seriously. Tremendously.
God bless those who made it apparent I was right. God bless those who heard me speaking the truth about having ADHD and giving me a chance. God bless those who told me I was in the Sun.
And thanks for the moments which only prove I am same and the madness was artificial. Seeing the faces in the window and then seeing the people whom they belonged to, two gardens away. The two Scream like figures who turned and ran when I chased them. Bunny Nice But Dim. My neighbours admittance. Seeing the white speaker. The poles used to move my floorboards. The noise of a dying animal, that when I pointed out it only bothered my pets not me (and that was damn wrong), stopped. The people who said 'it's that man's daughter', 'she's the one with the coke' and so on.
My life is uncertain. But here's my wishes. This is worth staying clean for. This is worth living for.
If not, Precious P**, you'll have your own crib by 20!
Jay x
