❤️ 30th October 2017 - Journal

Ok well I’ve finally come to a logical conclusion... I am allergic to dust / mould mites.. and this is what is driving me crazy.

It’s also partly the reason behind my sectioning.

The bugs!!

The creepy crawly feeling.

I was itching all day, and before I left Boots, like a Victorian, with my scripted cocaine (methylphenidate) and scripted opiates (buprenorphine) I also purchased some Claratin and Benadryl. Both antihistamines. One for day and one for night. Came home and took a day one. Within an hour. Bar my hair, the itching finally ceased.

When I went to clear out my bedroom, suddenly I’m itchy again and my nose is running like a fucker. 

I knew this wasn’t in my head!

I knew it was real! 

This was half the reason for my sectioning.

Yet, the itching, affecting porous items the combination of mould really are exact to those with dust mite allergies which thrive to unbearable numbers when present in mould.

This house is full of mould. My mattress full of mould, in my bathroom I painted over the mould. I’m pretty sure there is mould which is been hidden by wood too.

I think the surge in dust mites causes the visual affects I have seen. For some Reason I have noticed black spots appearing in materials such as blankets and would chopping boards. They appear to been thing but they’re all fluff. And if the item is black clothing, for example, it will get covered in white fluffs. 

Certain types of clothing that a lot of bobbles. Other material to like pillow covers. Certain blankets get black spots appearing constantly.

I hear this week and my floor with bleach nearly every day. Yeah I can guarantee you blackspots will appear moments after doing so. 

I have now discovered mould spores can affect anything, including grout. Which is why mine doesn’t stay down.

Anything porous. Bar glass, metal or plastics. 

I stand to lose anything which isn’t made of what is listed directly above.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ October 2017 - Davron Cocktail

Used to commit suicide 

1) Dextropropoxyphene - barbiturate to end life

2) Fentanyl - IV opiates are fun

3) Diazepam - so I pass out 

4) Anti sickness drugs 

❤️ 02nd October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Everyone here complains they are fat, but they eat so much. I felt power refusing cakes this evening. I wanna tell Rosa I vomited but I'm worried this is self harm and she can break confidentiality. 

 

I'll have to restrict tomorrow as I can't be sick everyday.  

 

Ended up binging! I am disgusting! 

 

* 2018 - To Add - just like in prison or detox, or any other institution, when a group of girls lose their appetite suppressors they get incredibly obsessive about their weight. I’d say easily 1/4 of us displayed eating disordered type thinking. However, without our magic substances, we all gained a lot of weight. I came home a good 10lbs heavier. Both me and R would use the bathroom and run the bath to cover the sound of vomiting. And not just us, as Sick was found when neither me or R was responsible.  

 

I managed to hide diet pills through 2 rooms searches and amnesty!

❤️ 05th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Need to speak to R***, talking about trauma. Only trauma I've had is the sick things my parents have done to me. I can't bring it up. No one will believe me. 

Plus I haven't been traumatised like them. Just suicide and my overdose and my borderline eating disorder.  

 

I want to eat fish goujons but I can't have lunch and dinner. 

 

Might wash hair later so I can vomit. 

 

I thin the counsellors want me to be depressed and find something I can call traumatic in my life. 

 

I NEED my R***!! 

 

They're telling me I will be depressed when I'm not new! What the fuck!

❤️ 10th October 2017 - Journal

Well I’m back at work. The job isn’t perfect but I love it. I’m working and contributing to society again.

In this role I literally only have to complete 4 pages of paper work, which admin soughts  and uploads to the system.

NCS come in once a month to do CV workshops, so I don’t even have to stress about that.

Someone else goes out and sources the candidates. A job broker finds the jobs. All I have to do is get candidates to come in and apply for vacancies.

I will get bored as I will literally be sitting at my desk all day just seeing candidate after candidate. But I will not have to travel across loads of boroughs,?worry about travel fares, stress to get to meetings miles away for. 9 o’clock in the morning. I guess it’s an easy role.

It’s only my second day and I’ve already lost my candidate virginity. So my first one completely unsupervised. 

I wanted to have at least four meetings booked by the end of today. I have 10 meetings booked.

The staff are all really nice so praying to God nothing gets caught out about my previous work history and I’m able to settle in and do a good job. 

I went to the toilet earlier and took some Ritalin. I take it correctly due to its bioavailability and my high tolerance. Went for a cigarette afterwards. Amen and the receptionist was like oh the lady who went in the toilet after you found something you left behind. I shit myself it was the plastic syringe even know I’ve been very careful about making sure it was in my bag before I had left. Panic Field my brain.... only to notice my energy drink was on my desk. I had left in the toilet.

I told a story to the receptionist that I was worried I’d left my Tampax in the toilet. I do love to panic and think the worst.

I had a great day even though I was tired from lack of sleep last night.  Had had a cheeky Monday night smoke. Didn’t sleep till 2 AM.

But as I travelled closer and closer to the place I call home I noticed my mood slowly dropping and dropping.

By the time I arrived home I was in a foul mood and I remained in this mood all night.

I have taken this mood out on N. This house is poisonous. Because I am now working my counsellor has agreed to have email sessions with me. I long to email her now when I need her help but I cannot be assured I actually have privacy. Either time I’m aware I have privacy I probably won’t feel the need to email her. My evening depression is only likely to get worse.

I don’t know what today I hope I can move quick because this house is killing me.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ My Return To Work

Ok, the big day is here! I'm returning to work.

I have checked the journey planner on my dream house in Paarl Road to Stockwell and it's still saying 1 hour and. 35 mins. It takes 22 mins to get to Benfleet station.

Driving is 2 hours 22 mins, so maybe a scooter is the way to go. That would knock a good 15 minutes off the journey. I wanted to hire a car to see what the drive was like. Now I want to hire a scooter and see. Maybe there's a scooter hire company which will let me collect and return to the station?

Maybe even a foldable electric bike, if they go fast enough??

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ October 2015 - Once Upon a Time - Heroin Overdose

Again, this is not an overdose per say. I wouldn't be here to tell the tale otherwise. Again, this is my near miss. Enlightening me as to how a overdose by  diamorphine would entail. 

It's poisonous element finally bear to its over powering force. They succumb to a life of slavery as its addictive qualities take over, blurring the lines of reality. 

Thankfully it was never my poison. I was able to use three times a week, although intravenously, taking kractom on the smack free days

This day the gear must have been particularly strong. However my friend did  not get to the levels of intoxication I did.

We banged up, and it finally killed my speed high. I had probably been awake for 3 or 4 days . I found myself dosing into a warm heroin hug, slowly rocking me into a light slumber which would ultimately turn into a deep, 24 hour sleep.

The rabbits would remained in their two story sleeping cage, not let out at 8am. They and the cats would remain without food. I hate myself for this behaviour. Especially as I now know my beloved Tsega was dying of cancer. 

Drifting into my slumber I began to dream. Suddenly I gasped for air, almost panic stricken at my apparent ability to forget to breathe.

What the fuck? I had gone at least 30 seconds without taking a breath. I began to dose again, only for my forgetfulness to strike again.

Shit! I was clearly close to overdosing. I was aware a heroin overdose resulted in unconsciousness, and now I knew it was from stopping breathing.

Frightened death was looming, but too wacked out to act as a rational person would, I forced myself to remain awake until the buzz eased off.

One breathe in, two out, three in, I forced myself to count until the heavy intoxication eased.

Only then could I fall asleep