Got 5 hours sleep yesterday. I managed to get my hands on a real Zopiclone (not these fake BS tablets, which I take with so much anticipation, only to still be wide awake, 2 hours later. The absence of heavy limbs is a major give away!), so slept from 12am - 3.30am.
Now, I’m wide awake. And subsequently I’ve eaten an apple with yoghurt. That’s another 100 calories. I feel gross. I cannot have breakfast tomorrow now.
At the moment, antipsychotic withdrawal is killing me. I can’t sleep, and my anxiety is off the chance. I find myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day, desperate to escape the depression, anxiety and attempt to sooth my almost manic behaviour enabling me to sleep.
But I cannot stay on these God awful tablets for ever. We all know my psychosis never existed. I must be the only human who takes antipsyches and still has psychosis!!!
Joys of the nasty, negative, detrimental, soul destroying behaviour actually existing!
But, bar calming me down, which was beneficial when I was banging up speed all day, every day, they don’t do anything positive, bar assist with sleep.
They numb me, I’ve lost my spark... whilst I do not feel the sadness to the extent I should, neither do I feel happiness and joy like I used to.
The quieten down my ADHD... I like my ADHD. It’s mostly, a super power, if utilised correctly.
And then you have the appetite increase! Even when I was super strict with regards to diet and exercise, I’d never dip below 9 stone.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I wake up covered in crumbs. Sometimes I have vague memories of getting food, as if it was a dream. Then I see the empty rappers and / or plates.
The weight gain is the biggest factor in my decision to stop these God damn tablets.
But, whilst they have all the time in the world, to concoct their nasty little plans of what evil abuse to subject me to next, then spend ZERO hours researching the medications I take, their side effects and the effects of withdawal.
And as this is giving me insomnia, and I can’t sleep... well naturally can’t sleep = drugs = commence the bullshit.
Yes... they’re tormenting me... as I’m withdrawing.
They did it when I withdrew from opiates too. Only stopping when I watched a BBC documentary and another addict (codeine, so an acceptable addict), said she was on day 3 with no sleep, to which to said aloud, well aware I was being monitored, ‘see, she’s going through opiate withdrawal and see can’t sleep either!!!’. Then, as if magic, my ‘psychosis’ stopped.
Yes that’s correct, antipsychotics don’t have any effect, neither does drug use, as it depends whether psychosis is in the mood. Off my tits on ketamine, tripping like fuck... no psychosis. Drinking and knocking down temazepams... no psychosis. Smoking a spliff... psychosis. Go for a few drinks... psychosis.
I’m asking Dr P about how long this horrible, manic, withdrawal will last, but no reply yet.
I hope soon, I’m using everything and anything in order to get a snippet of respite from how I feel.
Right, must exercise and starve tomorrow. I will be a size 6-8 again!!
I AM TOO FAT
I MUST NOT EAT
I AM DISGUSTING
I EAT TOO MUCH
I WANT TO BE SO SKINNY I DISAPPEAR
I WANT TO DIE
I MUST NOT EAT
I MUST DO MORE EXERCISE
I MUST BE PERFECT
