❤️ 12th February 2016 - Living On a Prayer

Well I still pray my parents just come and tell me I'm not mad, never have been and they've made mistakes. They don't have to say any thing further.

V

They could go back to The Sun and do an article on how I want detox and rehab. I'm sure the Sun would pay and I could go now rather than wait on the crappy NHS.

Other than detox and rehab I want to be on a proper dose of Ritalin. I'd give my arm to have the correct dose of my meds. I need a high dose 56mgs-72mgs. I'm on 18mgs so you can guess how well 

It's working. By 2pm I'm falling asleep. It hurts knowing than rather than make the tremendous effort they made to make me think I was mad, they could have helped instead. 

I don't know what has happened to the mummy and daddy I grew up with but they are gone.

In their place are two scary monsters who go above and beyond to gang up on me and try and make me think I'm mad instead of helping me.

My dad's eyes give away each of his lies. I hope he suffers for swearing on my precious P's life. My mum just shouts she's paying my bills! Yeah the financial help has been amazing. Having a mummy to hug and a daddy to tell me it will be ok hasn't.

I want my family back.

This is why I think I must be the worst person to live. Murderers parents still stand by them.

Mine go tell the world I'm a disgusting junkie who must be tormented at any opportunity. 

I've been spat at, people swap seats so they don't have to sit next to me on the tube. People shout out 'CRACK / SMACK HEAD!' At me. This is shit too because I was a crack / smack £100 a day junkie and I won that battle.

The newspapers haven't told the truth about me. They don't know I self medicate with legal Ritalin. I don't mind people knowing the truth. My parents brought me up to be honest.

I know they're reading this and probably watching me too. I'm so broken, I need their help and I want the truth told. They'd rather carry on and act like nothing has happened. And of course torment me if I do use. Which just makes me sadder... Which just makes me use more.

I think I won't bother renting my home for a year and trying again in the UK. I'm gonna sell my 'forever' home ASAP. 

You can buy an apartment in the Caribbean for £20,000 in a complex with a pool. I have equity of about £100,000 plus profit. My house is provably worth £80,000 more now. My parents can have their money back with interest. And me... I'll make their dreams come true and vanish. No more black sheep to tar the family. 

I could buy 3-4 apartments and rent 3 out for income. In a country where I can be blonde again. 

So many people were interested in offering me work until they met me when I had blonde hair. 

I'm a celebrity but a hated on. One man even pretended to be deaf when I petted his dog (then made a phone call probably updating whoever on my location once I'd walked off)

I'd never do this to any of my family. I just wish one of them... Only one... Realised it isn't as easy as the films make it out to be.

I hate being a drug addict. I hate myself so much. But I cannot help my brain soothing when I do use stimulants. In a way I hope they encounter more people with ADHD and try and realise it isn't just in my head. 

I give anything not to have it.

Without it my drugs phase would have ended in my 20's like my mates. I still have a beautiful home. And car.

I'm so broken right now and really want to sleep but can't as I know people will be in here removing and evidence I have to prove my sanity. 

I will fight for the truth... But I'm already broken, can never be fixed properly and am running out of fight.

See, I just heard a noise by the airing cupboard. I wish they would leave me to sleep... Not that I feel safe.

The less they torment me, the less drugs I'm gonna use. Why do people use drugs?

Social party aspect I know, but normally to mask other feelings. Numb the pain.

I'm petrified they will lie and get me sectioned again. If so that puts detox and rehab even further back. I will not last and simply will buy a load of pills and top myself.

I do love my cat so much, but I have NOTHING else to live for any more. 

I know it's all my fault. I fucked up. But I though my mum and dad would make it better. Not worse.

I really think they want me dead.

Mum, dad, I'm so sorry you got me as your kid. In so sorry I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry you hate me so much you wanted me to think I was mad so you could lock me away. I'm so sorry I'm so awful you'd rather my suicide than you tell the truth. 

I hope some of the money from the Sun has been saved for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to try for another baby. If not what I leave behind give them enough for a go. I want Precious P to have a sibling. And I'll make sure it's a damn good one and they get on so well, unlike me and my bro 😥

I'm gonna forget the last 3 years and remember you as the brilliant family you were before all this shit.

I'm so sorry 

So so sorry. You deserve better than me.