I have not one person who truly understands. This is sad. I long to spliff my memories, feelings, questions, to someone who will not only not judge me, but believe me.
Then, they’ll hug me... most likely wiping the tears from my eyes. As the more they listen and believe, the more I disclose. The more I disclose, the more I wish for the life and family I once had. The more I wish, the more my heart aches, reliving the abuse. The more I relive the abuse, the more I want to die.
It’s almost an instinct to run to your mummy. For a split second I feel the urge. Then sadness engulfs me as I remember, it’s my mummy who is doing this.
I long to return to a heavy addiction, which would not only numb my pain, but also serve as a diet aid, allowing me to return to my slim physique.
Drugs not only stop me eating when I’m consuming them, but they also shut up the negative voice. The one who wants me dead. I recon she’s formed an alliance with my family. I hate her. She’s driving me to suicide. Right now I’m very close.
I MUST NOT EAT!
I feel weird today... like I could die any moment. Normally this would be welcomed, but Orion is here right now, purring on my lap. So, this makes me change my determined suicidal thoughts. Although I’m aware they’re getting stronger and stronger.
Today, with R***, I came to the conclusion I am NOT addicted to drugs. My addiction lies with self distraction.
We spoke about if this drug wasn’t available, what would I do. My replies simply gave substitute after substitute, until we had exhausted drugs.
When that option was no longer available, my thoughts turned to starvation and self harm.
R*** came to the conclusion I simply wanted to destroy my life. We already know the catalyst for this behaviour. It stems from always feeling inadequate as a child.
I wish everyone was like R***. I wish they understood my problens runs much deeper than just taking drugs and getting high.
My problem is not being good enough. Never achieving perfection. No respite from the negative thoughts in my head.
Drugs give me peace from this negativity, which will ultimately kill me. Starving myself also achieves this.
I want to get so thin I vanish.
My dad just told me I was on.....
2018 - UPDATE - Unfortunately, like many things my family deem not to be permitted in my life, the rest of this diary entry, and the diary, cannot be found.
Or should I say my ‘psychosis’. Yeah, unlike regular, it loves destroying my written memories of our crazy adventures... almost like it’s real or something... hmmmm
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