❤️ 25th July 2008 -Journal

I am truly sad. My future has been wiped out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back again. I can say goodbye to waking up next to someone I love with my whole heart. I can say goodbye to those magic words ‘will you marry me?’. I can say goodbye to wearing my white dress and walking down the aisle. I can say goodbye to looking my lover, my best friend and future husband, in the eye, and telling him I’m pregnant.

R** has been lying to S******. He told her we aren’t together as she wouldn’t let him see the children otherwise. He recons he was going to tell her at some point and she would be ok about it. Maybe when she’d found a boyfriend.

But I know she won’t be alright. She’ll go mental at him for lying to her. And then she’ll stop him seeing the children anyway. 

I’ve know from day one there’s no competition between me and his children. The only other option is to keep me as the dirty little secret I am today. We would have to secretly get married, with R** slipping his ring off  when he goes to her house (I found out today he went there.... Rest of written entry is not here!

Oh my god, this was painful reliving this. It ivy things had worked out with R**. My life would be so different. I anticipate in a good way, but I can’t be certain. 

Although I am grateful for every experience I have had, including the negative. If I could go back to meeting R** again and ironing out these issues, I would in a heart beat.