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Monday 26 February 2018

❤️ 2008 - Tarot Reading

This is a professional tarot reading I had done around 2008.

Me - I’m an all or nothing person (correct, I have to be at least good, if not the best, at everything I do). I like challengers and working hard.

Chopped, chained and (illegible)

Looking to make step forward, getting bored.

Important where I live, where friends go. One friend on my side. 

Get on well with creative / imaginative or get bored.

I’m creative

Boyfriend - fond of him (what BS, of course I am or I wouldn’t be with him). Hope still there ??? comes back

Popped off for a bit, not sure what happened. Me not in wrong. He knows but wants to forget. Won’t admit. Hates to admit he’s wrong (correct, whenever he was wrong, rather than accept it, he’d find something I had done wrong and deflect)

Maybe turning point. Instead of losing will get forgiven. Nice person. Inferiority complex. Blames others for best part of life. Has suffered long time ago for a bit (correct he was hydrocephalic). Thought that’s it now, no one’s ever going to blame me again. Made a bad habit, could have lost me. You met him half way, he can’t keep making allowances, walking all over people.

Could be worse.  Nice person trying to get out.

You value freedom too much to be bossed around. He has a lot to learn about women. Might bring him back. Needs challenge. You need to make your mind up. No more crap. Have to do what you want. (I did, I lost everyone so I could self indulge with drugs. Great choice hur???)

I’m sensitive, psychic ability (yes thanks so now I don’t have to pay £50 to hear this!!)

Mum - been to help mum. From spring, money problems (think I maxed out my credit cards on crack and heroin, so yes, correct), new challenge (yes, I moved from managing a small project at a college, to a large one. Went from temp to permanent). No ambition but better money (correct). Confidence. Friends in other countries (??) I want to go to.

Further on creative 

Independence??

Want family (not anymore), good with children (little). 2 kids, either two boys or one of each (if I was stupid enough to procreate, I believe I’d have boys as chin hairs are a sign of testosterone!)

Had life sorted, but in pieces now (correct I was smack bang in a crack and heroin addiction). Blown my confidence. I’ve done my best. Good chance of rebuilding (yay!! Only for me to fall right back down again) need to be (??) different. Not doing all myself. I’ve done too much. People expect too much. I blame myself. Not my fault. Too unkind to myself. Not my fault.

Sunday 25 February 2018

❤️ 2016 - Application For Rehab

Ah ha! 

Now the blog is restored, I have a heap of draft emails and notes which I’ve saved for new material!

If am I am to make this into a book or film, the more information the better!

2015 is only 3 years ago, yet what I’ve re-read could be someone else’s life! My memory, undoubtedly effected from drug abuse, is so hazy. My well written posts magically transport me right back to the time
It was written.

Here’s my rehab application 


Firstly, I was a massive challenge, as no one else had been addicted to legal Highs like myself. Having to list all the chemicals was a task in its self.

Here’s my list... 7 odd pages 














Longreach’s Applicaton 



I would have answered as follows

Buprenorphine < 1mg
Not that I disclosed but yes. Benzos
Used to have depression and anxiety prior to taking Ritalin. Tried to commit suicide once back then, but danced with the devil around 50 times with legal doses of IV drugs
Theft via finding and criminal damage - cautions 
Stemmed from self medicating ADHD 

Actual form I couldn’t fit my drug use on






❤️ 01st October 2016 - Dear R*** - Email To My Counsellor

The girl who date rape drugged me called me from a new house phone number yesterday which I hadn't blocked. 

She's still telling bear faced lies saying she didn't drug me and it must have been her mirtazapine. What a load of crap, it was wrapped in cling film and looked like a rock. 

She said she sat up all night with me stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Rubbish, she passed out and left me with a racing heart thinking I was about to die.

But she was my friend and it was nice to have someone ringing me. It's kinda hard coz I hate the lies and the bullsh*t, but I do miss having a best friend.

She tried to blame it all on N, which I corrected immediately. She's saying he doesn't want me to have any friends. Which is rubbish.

She put me in a foul mood, especially as it coincided with my Ritalin wearing off.

I can't be her friend anyway. She's still on subbie.

She's doing it as I said I was giving a hair strand test to the police and she's just found out she might be able to get one of her daughters back as the adoption failed. She doesn't want to lose the chance with me prosecuting her for drugging me.

She said she hasn't smoked for 10'weeks and this maybe true-ish as some dealer was wanting to contAct her.

Sorry, no one else to talk to.

Miss you R***


Dear Jay,
There must be a lot of changes to your life right now..and it's easy to feel lonely even if you are surrounded by people. Give yourself plenty of time...be patient and try 'to work' with this ...remember that people there are trying to do their best too, not perfect but there are good intentions. Also , Maybe with time you will consider that friendship again .... or not...
Thinking of you, 
X R***

❤️ 16th March 2015 - Evidence Of iPad Hacked

I’ve found this messed up text in a draft for my blog, on my email.

This happened frequently with my iPads.

Fat Cunt (born from the same parents as I), would take control of the keyboard and type nasty messages to me. Here we can easily see the word suicide and murder included. Which is nice. Yeah, this is what normal people do, when you need their help. The worst thing is how my parents approve of him abusing me. He’s had a dislike for me, for quite a while. Allowing him permission to torment me, when there’s no love inside him in the first place for me, just shows how cruel they really are.


‘Another site stated
'How to remove dermatitis induced by carpet beetles
1) place face in acid
2) petrol and ignite
3) a hot oven'   Do 5).                                  W ) hy!       Feellllingg hhhhhaaaaappy?  I.fff. No......................................
V
.

.uBv,pZpm. Xmbcy.        .v b my.    Sssuinidddde isss.    ,m,urddddder.............z.

Xm
Cb..
.c.
,m..NM..
N.
C.m
...t..hh cuzz,c’

Naturally as I would be typing too, it would result in this disjointed nasty comments, as my input would ultimately effect what was displayed.

What a nasty, nasty piece of shit he is.

❤️ 04th October 2017 - My Detox Plan

Email to my Drugs Team with my detox plan!! I’ve smacked it now!! My only addictions are my scripted medication, buprenorphine and methylphenidate. The former will be reduced and stopped when I do Plymouth. The latter I’ll be on for life!!

Smacked it peeps!

Morning

I'm sure you've caught up with R***. I wanted to explain my situation. I desperately want to start this job on Monday. They already turned me down at the initial interview. I imagine, someone else pulled out. Therefore I don't want to do anything that could be detrimental and jeopardise this opportunity.

I do however, still want a detox, but one that's planned in advance. I was thinking end of November / December for 2 weeks?

I am (at the moment) successfully withdrawing from alcohol.

I've cut down my benzo usage to 30mg max opposed to 80mg (possibly higher on occasions).

My opiate usage is still terrible, but one step at a time.

I plan to withdraw from alcohol this week. Using no more than 30mg diazepam daily. 

I am cutting down daily, yesterday I had one measure of spirit and two largers. 

I then wanted to start this job, still emailing R*** for support and perhaps a weekly catch up with J*** via email, monthly appointment?

Then we can arrange dates in advance for Detox for benzo withdrawal and opiates reduction.

I really need a detox, but I am honestly concerned about my mental stability whilst unemployed. I had concrete intentions to attempt suicide prior to this job offer.

Is this viable? Can we work around this idea? Or do you have another suggestion I could take on board? I really need your help and after receiving a few text messages that caused an anxiety attack I understand why you're not allowed your phone and now welcome the idea! 

Believe me, I would like nothing better than to be locked up, away from temptation and to be looked after right now. I almost ruined my taper and had a drink, with the aforementioned anxiety attack.

My alcohol withdrawal is mild. I felt awful Monday and much yesterday. Bar the craving when upset, physically I feel good. Today I have yet to reach the stage of anxiety or sweats, which again is an improvement.

J*** - May I have an appointment with you this week before I start work to discuss. When will you get my bloods back?

R*** - thanks for your support and telling me how well I'm doing. I am determined and I needed to hear that.

Dr. P - I know you said you'd never arrange another detox for me... but you know there's a little soft spot for me 😀, plus all that duty of care malarkey and I do still want detox! 

Kind regards and thank you all

Jay

❤️ 2017 - My Daily Usage Autumn

I’ve found this record in my email. It was clearly for my DART as it labels everything I was using and has a 2 day record. Shocking, but these days were probably good days as I wasn’t binging on speed.


Cocaine - Intravenous - 2-5 times a week - 0.25g-0.5g 


Buprenorphine - Daily - 4-8mg - my using increased from 2mg to 8mg due to anxiety and me not knowing whether this was due to this or withdrawal 

Diazepam - Daily - 20mg - 100mg - again my using increased due to anxiety 

Temazepam - 10 tablets a month - 20mg

Zopiclone - Daily - 15mg - 60mg
(I was rotating diazepam, zopiclone and temazepam to avoid addiction but that went out the window)

Weed - Most Days - £5 (I don't pay for it)

Heroin - Twice a Month - £5-£10 - occasionally smoked but mainly intravenous 

Crack - 2-4 times a week - £10-£40

Alcohol - Crept up to daily consumption - could be as little as a couple of bottles of low alcohol (4%) cider or as much as 75cl of vodka and 2 bottles of wine. Last couple of weeks I get bad anxiety around midday which is only relieved by drinking

MDMA - once - rectally and a little IV because it was mixed with coke.

Crystal Meth - 0.5g twice

Ethylphenidate - 1g once 

Amphetamine paste - 1g twice 

Adderall - 30 tablets, 10-20mg maybe. Intravenous. The most amazing peace, absence of anxiety, normal feeling in the whole world. Like when I first took methylphenidate. Without the energy methylphenidate provides, just the cool, calm, focused head that can concentrate and doesn't race 

Mephedrone - once - intravenous 



27/09/17
Alcohol - Vodka - 50cl 
Alcohol - Archers - 20cl
Alcohol - Wine - 0.5ltr
Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg
Stimulants- Cocaine - 0.5g IV
Sedatives - Diazepam - 6 x 10mg
Sedatives - Zopiclone - 4 x 7.5mg
Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

28/09/17
Alcohol - Vodka - 35cl
Alcohol - Rose Wine - 75cl
Alcohol - Lambrini - 75cm
Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg
Stimulants - Crack - £25 Smoked
Sedatives - Diarmorphine - £13 IV
Sedatives - Diazepam - 8 x 10mg
Sedatives - Zopiclone - 2 x 7.5mg
Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

1.20pm - First drink 
4.15pm - First benzo


UPDATE 2018 - Only addicted to opiates now... my medication not gear. Oh and Ritalin!

❤️ 25th September 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

I'm in a real mess and I'm really scared.

I've lost everything again R***. 

I've been trying to get a new job for 2 months with no luck which is incredibly
Unusual. 

I'm running out of money.

My family are constantly abusing my privacy and are the catalyst to all this.

I've tried to overdose twice.

I had a seizure on Friday from using too much.

I've ordered stuff off the internet which I should
Be able to overdose on. It hasn't arrived. I may be ripped off and get rubbish. 

Hopefully I'll get a job offer today. Otherwise I don't know how much longer I can continue.

I'm drinking pretty much daily, using pretty much daily. I'm back to my skinny self... I'm not underweight.. but almost.

I'm so broken.

I honestly don't think I can do this game of life for much longer.

X x

HI Jay 

I was not here yesterday. 

It sounds from your e-mail that you are in a place that is very frightening, how did you get there? What is the mess that you mention? What are you afraid of?

I cannot call you, but I will do my best to answer your e-mail, writing is as therapeutic as talking.  I have many appointments today but I will answer you.

R*** x

❤️ 05th October 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

Ok I had a massive binge last night. My arms are black, blue and swollen. I've told J*** I do want Detox... not emergency but soon. I'll pretend at work I'm being taken on a surprise holiday.

Anyway R***, im sooooo excited. I'm viewing 6 brand new houses in Canvey Island, Essex this weekend. All have ensuites!

I'd prefer the cheaper one so I can reduce my mortgage. Well both will result in a reduction, but the former means I can take £10k for fees and also buying new stuff like bedding, towels, pots and pans.

Plus the first has not ONE but TWO walk in wardrobes, which means the spare room can be rented rather than being a dressing room.

I'm so excited about being anonymous. My whole neighbourhood won't judge me based on the lies my parents have spread.

Women will stop staring at me, it'll be back to just men... when I look nice!!

I reckon this is my last chance, so whilst I can't say with congruency I'll be sober, I'm certainly not risking anything for fucking, stupid, sole destroying drugs!!

You might not get rid of me that quickly though. I may stay registered with my doctor for a while as I'm concerned, like in Plymouth, I'll be put on genetic concerta. 

Not only is it weaker, but it's EASILY abused.

You almost need a chemistry degree to extract methylphenidate from concerta.

Tell Dr. P I'm sorry for messing her around. Honestly though I could do this on my own but I can't.

It was so hard admitting that to J***. I hate not being right, and it's only rare that I'm not!!

Love Jay x x 

❤️ 12th December 2017 - Journal - KINDA FREAKY

Ok, as you know, I’m psychic. This is not always an enjoyable gift.

When they’ve been on a campaign to spread lies, I can feel the hate and disgust emitting from strangers where ever I go. This in turn makes me want to stay at home, in this damp house, this in turn, makes me sick.

Also, when people lie... I get the most sickening wave of guilt radiating through me... it’s horrible, as people with ADHD have enough anxiety and guilt naturally, I don’t really need to feel this anymore, due to other people’s anxieties over their piss poor behaviour.

However, I’m still thankfully for my gift. It’s how I read tarot... when I get it right.. well I always get it right.. but when I’m proper smacking a reading say, I get this amazing buzz. Seriously, it makes the feeling you get from the first time you IV heroin or cocaine, so inferior, I cannot begin to explain.

You feel the whole body orgasm (like IV brown) and then the amazing rush and high (like IV coke)... this is the only thing I can liken it to. And can you imagine in real life how I try to explain this feeling without the drug references! 

Anyway, it’s the best high ever. 1000x banging up any substance on earth.

So... here this..

It was just before Xmas and me and N where chilling in the front room.

All of a sudden I say to N
‘Yeah, I fancy some cake’

N looks puzzled
‘Did I mention cake?’

Both of us start thinking. N is first to say
‘I never said anything about cake’
‘Yeah, you’re right, you didn’t’ I replied 
‘I was confused! I was thinking about cake, but I decided I couldn’t be bothered to get it from the kitchen’
‘Yeah, you never said anything about cake... I just got the feeling of cake... I could feel you thinking it’

We we’re both gobsmacked.

So.. this leads me to think.. how I feel people’s feelings when I read cards, is just the start of this ability. After this experience I can see how it would progress. I bet, when we die, we can share information through mind reading. Within a few seconds, we can share our whole life with someone.

It just feels right. And now I can see how it could develop.

So... place your bets people... when we’re dead, I bet, we don’t have to speak to share information with each other!

I don’t care if your Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, atheists, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah Witness, Mormon, or insert other... because I believe we all
Get to go to heaven. Only the real evil nasty people are excluded. My family, Ian Huntley, Jamie B’s s killers, Fred and Rose, Myra.... people like this... well there’s something in between but basically after that they’re given a life where they suffer and they have a chance to be a better person. So it’s nice to know people listed above are doomed for a life filled with starvation, disease, abuse and pain. 

Ok, don’t digress I FUCKING MIND READ!

❤️ 2018 - BLAM HATERS -BLOG RESTORED!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO

Ok, this has taken weeks and weeks.... seriously. Discovered my blog was missing posts... say.... mid December... End of December??

And we’re end of February now...

And I’ve finally done it!!

Blog restored.

Made some interesting discoveries in the process too.

So including this post, I have 

Posts All - 434
Posts Draft - 11
Posts Published - 423

You can knock me down fuckers, but I’m like a Weeble... Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down!!

I must amend my settings in case my unlocked mobile falls into unscrupulous hands. I suspect this could have been a factor in the previous mass exodus of my blog posts.

New material, descriptive stories of events... basically more creative enjoyable posts to come.

I’ll be back on Twitter soon too.

@Gemma_Stalked 

Hit me up.... I’ve got bear followers, you won’t be noticed.

Blam! 

Big love to the lovers

Even bigger love to the haters - you’ve made me the most amazingly determined, conscious, kind, fucking brilliant person I am today.