❤️ 30,000 Page Views BLAM!!

Wooo hooooo 

Made 30,000 page views. Wow!

And, I’ve gone through my Dropbox which has some fantastic Evidence for me to add.

Blam!

❤️ 28th March 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

R** told me he was going for a few drinks with J*** after work and he wouldn’t be late. I wait till around midnight before I really try to contact him.

Thinking he’s just gone to a normal pub, closing at 11.30pm - 12am.

I can’t get hold of him. 

Eventually I get a text, saying he’ll text before he comes home. 

I wake up every hour. 1am. 2am and finally 3am. 

I’m freaking out, worried something has happened to my precious baby (he had a serious medical condition to bear in mind)

Still not contact to say he’s alive. 

Finally at 3am I manage to speak to him. He’s on his way back home, didn’t think to contact me, apparently was ‘just about to’, that old chestnut.

To top things off, his cousin is accompanying him back to my Flat.

I can’t believe I been worrying my arse off for nothing. Just pure inconsideration. He knows he would be freaking out, thinking I was dead or raped if I said I was going for a couple of drinks and didn’t contact him for hours, then turned up pissed at 3.30am. 

I only wish he would treat me as he wished to be treated. It’s like he’s slightly autistic and is not able to imagine what other people are feeling as a result of his actions. 

❤️ 2008 - 2009 - Boyfriend Dramas

When W**** has hurt me

I have decided to keep record of when R** has hurt me.

Although he is the best I’ve ever had, by miles, as far as boyfriends’ are concerned, he’s no way near perfect.

If the time comes for us to move on; if he leaves me, I can read this and remember the pain and hopefully it’ll ease my sorrow.

If the time comes, and I leave him, I’ll have a justified list of bad things for my reason.

In a perfect world, none of this would have happened and I’d be blissfully happy like November 2007 - February 2008.

W****

Good Points

He would never cheat on me

Treats me like a lady 

He likes to always pay and spoil me

He would make an excellent husband 

I would like him to father my children

He doesn’t get pissed, smoke or do drugs

He genuinely cares about me

Me makes me laugh and smile 

He’s very attractive and fit 

He’s intelligent and can hold decent conversations

He wants to be with me forever 

No matter how angry I am, his eyes makes me want to forgive him

90% I can’t fault his personality 

I did something with him in the bedroom he’s never done before (not the exact transcript!! 😊)

I love his Frank Bruno laugh

He has the most beautiful, deep brown, eyes

And beautiful smile

I like it when he takes the piss out of me for being dumb 

I love his sexy upper body 

Bad Points

He snores and keeps me up most the time

He over anayalises everything 

He is always right! And when he’s wrong he cops the hump

He’s jealous and insecure

His friends walk all over him 

Too close to his family, especially his mother

When he’s in the wrong, he’ll always try to find something to make me look worse

He’s number one in my life and I’ll never be number one in his 

Can be very inconsiderate at times

Can switch and be very cold and lack emotional 

Can switch and be aggressive with is intimidating 

Doesn’t stand up to S*****, pays double CS, phone bill and probably more he doesn’t tell me about 

S***** makes kids hate me and he doesn’t change it. Will my children’s half brother and sister hate them? Get annoyed coz they have to share their dad?

In bed, coz a bit inexperienced, he’s shy at times (not exact transcript)

Broken no lie rule!

(2018 - to be honest, I have pushed out my memories of R**. They are locked far away in my brain. Having to write this, has forced me to unlock that box. I kinda hurts. Which means, to someone who’s not turned into a stone cold bitch, it really hurts. Fuck, yeah, I’ll be honest. It hurts. Out of all my serious other halves, while my first love will always be T****, R** will be my biggest regret. I wish S****** wasn’t a jealous bitch and didn’t use their kids as ammunition. She knew she wasn’t getting him back. Why try to make him unhappy. Why threaten him with denying access to his children if we were together. It’s a shame. I was the first girlfriend after the split. If I was second, I’d never of had to have that termination. Instead of pets, I’ve gave children... a 10 year old by now. But, I’m grateful I had the pleasure of spending 3 years with R**. 

I’ve actually been super into girls recently... but thinking of R** makes me long for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing again)

❤️ So I Bought A Lottery Ticket

Well two scratchies... and BLAM. Take that muva fuckas....

Please keep hating me and judging me... you’re sending some serious positive karma my way

First scratch card 

Cost £1. Won £2.

Second scratch card

Cost £2. Won £5

❤️ 25th July 2008 -Journal

I am truly sad. My future has been wiped out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back again. I can say goodbye to waking up next to someone I love with my whole heart. I can say goodbye to those magic words ‘will you marry me?’. I can say goodbye to wearing my white dress and walking down the aisle. I can say goodbye to looking my lover, my best friend and future husband, in the eye, and telling him I’m pregnant.

R** has been lying to S******. He told her we aren’t together as she wouldn’t let him see the children otherwise. He recons he was going to tell her at some point and she would be ok about it. Maybe when she’d found a boyfriend.

But I know she won’t be alright. She’ll go mental at him for lying to her. And then she’ll stop him seeing the children anyway. 

I’ve know from day one there’s no competition between me and his children. The only other option is to keep me as the dirty little secret I am today. We would have to secretly get married, with R** slipping his ring off  when he goes to her house (I found out today he went there.... Rest of written entry is not here!

Oh my god, this was painful reliving this. It ivy things had worked out with R**. My life would be so different. I anticipate in a good way, but I can’t be certain. 

Although I am grateful for every experience I have had, including the negative. If I could go back to meeting R** again and ironing out these issues, I would in a heart beat.

❤️ I Need To Buy A Lottery Ticket!!

Ok, so back in 2016 before rehab, I tested positive for the hepatitis C virus. Before I went to rehab a letter was sent saying it was undetectable in my blood, meaning this don, had self cleared it!!

Yay!!

Unfortunately the letter arrived in February 2017. 

So, due to my carelessness in between self clearing and myself receiving the letter, I had been a dick again. 

This meant I yet again received the bad news about showing a positive test result.

Just had my investigation appointment today... BLAM! Undetectable again!!

So... it looks like, I’ve self cleared the fucker twice!!

The only other explanation is the test was so basic, it only tested for antibodies being present and I had only self cleared once. I need to check how long the antibodies stay present in the blood. But given the time between both tests.... and I’m well aware I have been a complete dick when it comes to keeping my works clean, I am learning towards my body being a bad ass don and have self cleared twice.

You know I’m buying a lottery ticket. And a scratchy!!

❤️ 2008 - Tarot Reading

This is a professional tarot reading I had done around 2008.

Me - I’m an all or nothing person (correct, I have to be at least good, if not the best, at everything I do). I like challengers and working hard.

Chopped, chained and (illegible)

Looking to make step forward, getting bored.

Important where I live, where friends go. One friend on my side. 

Get on well with creative / imaginative or get bored.

I’m creative

Boyfriend - fond of him (what BS, of course I am or I wouldn’t be with him). Hope still there ??? comes back

Popped off for a bit, not sure what happened. Me not in wrong. He knows but wants to forget. Won’t admit. Hates to admit he’s wrong (correct, whenever he was wrong, rather than accept it, he’d find something I had done wrong and deflect)

Maybe turning point. Instead of losing will get forgiven. Nice person. Inferiority complex. Blames others for best part of life. Has suffered long time ago for a bit (correct he was hydrocephalic). Thought that’s it now, no one’s ever going to blame me again. Made a bad habit, could have lost me. You met him half way, he can’t keep making allowances, walking all over people.

Could be worse.  Nice person trying to get out.

You value freedom too much to be bossed around. He has a lot to learn about women. Might bring him back. Needs challenge. You need to make your mind up. No more crap. Have to do what you want. (I did, I lost everyone so I could self indulge with drugs. Great choice hur???)

I’m sensitive, psychic ability (yes thanks so now I don’t have to pay £50 to hear this!!)

Mum - been to help mum. From spring, money problems (think I maxed out my credit cards on crack and heroin, so yes, correct), new challenge (yes, I moved from managing a small project at a college, to a large one. Went from temp to permanent). No ambition but better money (correct). Confidence. Friends in other countries (??) I want to go to.

Further on creative 

Independence??

Want family (not anymore), good with children (little). 2 kids, either two boys or one of each (if I was stupid enough to procreate, I believe I’d have boys as chin hairs are a sign of testosterone!)

Had life sorted, but in pieces now (correct I was smack bang in a crack and heroin addiction). Blown my confidence. I’ve done my best. Good chance of rebuilding (yay!! Only for me to fall right back down again) need to be (??) different. Not doing all myself. I’ve done too much. People expect too much. I blame myself. Not my fault. Too unkind to myself. Not my fault.

❤️ 2016 - Application For Rehab

Ah ha! 

Now the blog is restored, I have a heap of draft emails and notes which I’ve saved for new material!

If am I am to make this into a book or film, the more information the better!

2015 is only 3 years ago, yet what I’ve re-read could be someone else’s life! My memory, undoubtedly effected from drug abuse, is so hazy. My well written posts magically transport me right back to the time

It was written.

Here’s my rehab application 

Firstly, I was a massive challenge, as no one else had been addicted to legal Highs like myself. Having to list all the chemicals was a task in its self.

Here’s my list... 7 odd pages 

Longreach’s Applicaton 

I would have answered as follows

Buprenorphine < 1mg

Not that I disclosed but yes. Benzos

Used to have depression and anxiety prior to taking Ritalin. Tried to commit suicide once back then, but danced with the devil around 50 times with legal doses of IV drugs

Theft via finding and criminal damage - cautions 

Stemmed from self medicating ADHD 

Actual form I couldn’t fit my drug use on

❤️ 01st October 2016 - Dear R*** - Email To My Counsellor

The girl who date rape drugged me called me from a new house phone number yesterday which I hadn't blocked. 

She's still telling bear faced lies saying she didn't drug me and it must have been her mirtazapine. What a load of crap, it was wrapped in cling film and looked like a rock. 

She said she sat up all night with me stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Rubbish, she passed out and left me with a racing heart thinking I was about to die.

But she was my friend and it was nice to have someone ringing me. It's kinda hard coz I hate the lies and the bullsh*t, but I do miss having a best friend.

She tried to blame it all on N, which I corrected immediately. She's saying he doesn't want me to have any friends. Which is rubbish.

She put me in a foul mood, especially as it coincided with my Ritalin wearing off.

I can't be her friend anyway. She's still on subbie.

She's doing it as I said I was giving a hair strand test to the police and she's just found out she might be able to get one of her daughters back as the adoption failed. She doesn't want to lose the chance with me prosecuting her for drugging me.

She said she hasn't smoked for 10'weeks and this maybe true-ish as some dealer was wanting to contAct her.

Sorry, no one else to talk to.

Miss you R***

Dear Jay,
There must be a lot of changes to your life right now..and it's easy to feel lonely even if you are surrounded by people. Give yourself plenty of time...be patient and try 'to work' with this ...remember that people there are trying to do their best too, not perfect but there are good intentions. Also , Maybe with time you will consider that friendship again .... or not...
Thinking of you, 
X R***

❤️ 16th March 2015 - Evidence Of iPad Hacked

I’ve found this messed up text in a draft for my blog, on my email.

This happened frequently with my iPads.

Fat Cunt (born from the same parents as I), would take control of the keyboard and type nasty messages to me. Here we can easily see the word suicide and murder included. Which is nice. Yeah, this is what normal people do, when you need their help. The worst thing is how my parents approve of him abusing me. He’s had a dislike for me, for quite a while. Allowing him permission to torment me, when there’s no love inside him in the first place for me, just shows how cruel they really are.

‘Another site stated

'How to remove dermatitis induced by carpet beetles

1) place face in acid

2) petrol and ignite

3) a hot oven'   Do 5).                                  W ) hy!       Feellllingg hhhhhaaaaappy?  I.fff. No......................................

V

.

.uBv,pZpm. Xmbcy.        .v b my.    Sssuinidddde isss.    ,m,urddddder.............z.

Xm

Cb..

.c.

,m..NM..

N.

C.m

...t..hh cuzz,c’

Naturally as I would be typing too, it would result in this disjointed nasty comments, as my input would ultimately effect what was displayed.

What a nasty, nasty piece of shit he is.