❤️ 04th October 2017 - My Detox Plan

Email to my Drugs Team with my detox plan!! I’ve smacked it now!! My only addictions are my scripted medication, buprenorphine and methylphenidate. The former will be reduced and stopped when I do Plymouth. The latter I’ll be on for life!!

Smacked it peeps!

Morning

I'm sure you've caught up with R***. I wanted to explain my situation. I desperately want to start this job on Monday. They already turned me down at the initial interview. I imagine, someone else pulled out. Therefore I don't want to do anything that could be detrimental and jeopardise this opportunity.

I do however, still want a detox, but one that's planned in advance. I was thinking end of November / December for 2 weeks?

I am (at the moment) successfully withdrawing from alcohol.

I've cut down my benzo usage to 30mg max opposed to 80mg (possibly higher on occasions).

My opiate usage is still terrible, but one step at a time.

I plan to withdraw from alcohol this week. Using no more than 30mg diazepam daily. 

I am cutting down daily, yesterday I had one measure of spirit and two largers. 

I then wanted to start this job, still emailing R*** for support and perhaps a weekly catch up with J*** via email, monthly appointment?

Then we can arrange dates in advance for Detox for benzo withdrawal and opiates reduction.

I really need a detox, but I am honestly concerned about my mental stability whilst unemployed. I had concrete intentions to attempt suicide prior to this job offer.

Is this viable? Can we work around this idea? Or do you have another suggestion I could take on board? I really need your help and after receiving a few text messages that caused an anxiety attack I understand why you're not allowed your phone and now welcome the idea! 

Believe me, I would like nothing better than to be locked up, away from temptation and to be looked after right now. I almost ruined my taper and had a drink, with the aforementioned anxiety attack.

My alcohol withdrawal is mild. I felt awful Monday and much yesterday. Bar the craving when upset, physically I feel good. Today I have yet to reach the stage of anxiety or sweats, which again is an improvement.

J*** - May I have an appointment with you this week before I start work to discuss. When will you get my bloods back?

R*** - thanks for your support and telling me how well I'm doing. I am determined and I needed to hear that.

Dr. P - I know you said you'd never arrange another detox for me... but you know there's a little soft spot for me 😀, plus all that duty of care malarkey and I do still want detox! 

Kind regards and thank you all

Jay

❤️ 2017 - My Daily Usage Autumn

I’ve found this record in my email. It was clearly for my DART as it labels everything I was using and has a 2 day record. Shocking, but these days were probably good days as I wasn’t binging on speed.

Cocaine - Intravenous - 2-5 times a week - 0.25g-0.5g 

Buprenorphine - Daily - 4-8mg - my using increased from 2mg to 8mg due to anxiety and me not knowing whether this was due to this or withdrawal 

Diazepam - Daily - 20mg - 100mg - again my using increased due to anxiety 

Temazepam - 10 tablets a month - 20mg

Zopiclone - Daily - 15mg - 60mg

(I was rotating diazepam, zopiclone and temazepam to avoid addiction but that went out the window)

Weed - Most Days - £5 (I don't pay for it)

Heroin - Twice a Month - £5-£10 - occasionally smoked but mainly intravenous 

Crack - 2-4 times a week - £10-£40

Alcohol - Crept up to daily consumption - could be as little as a couple of bottles of low alcohol (4%) cider or as much as 75cl of vodka and 2 bottles of wine. Last couple of weeks I get bad anxiety around midday which is only relieved by drinking

MDMA - once - rectally and a little IV because it was mixed with coke.

Crystal Meth - 0.5g twice

Ethylphenidate - 1g once 

Amphetamine paste - 1g twice 

Adderall - 30 tablets, 10-20mg maybe. Intravenous. The most amazing peace, absence of anxiety, normal feeling in the whole world. Like when I first took methylphenidate. Without the energy methylphenidate provides, just the cool, calm, focused head that can concentrate and doesn't race 

Mephedrone - once - intravenous 

27/09/17

Alcohol - Vodka - 50cl 

Alcohol - Archers - 20cl

Alcohol - Wine - 0.5ltr

Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg

Stimulants- Cocaine - 0.5g IV

Sedatives - Diazepam - 6 x 10mg

Sedatives - Zopiclone - 4 x 7.5mg

Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

28/09/17

Alcohol - Vodka - 35cl

Alcohol - Rose Wine - 75cl

Alcohol - Lambrini - 75cm

Opiates - Buprenorphine- 4mg

Stimulants - Crack - £25 Smoked

Sedatives - Diarmorphine - £13 IV

Sedatives - Diazepam - 8 x 10mg

Sedatives - Zopiclone - 2 x 7.5mg

Sedatives - Cannabis - £5

1.20pm - First drink 

4.15pm - First benzo

UPDATE 2018 - Only addicted to opiates now... my medication not gear. Oh and Ritalin!

❤️ 25th September 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

I'm in a real mess and I'm really scared.

I've lost everything again R***. 

I've been trying to get a new job for 2 months with no luck which is incredibly

Unusual. 

I'm running out of money.

My family are constantly abusing my privacy and are the catalyst to all this.

I've tried to overdose twice.

I had a seizure on Friday from using too much.

I've ordered stuff off the internet which I should

Be able to overdose on. It hasn't arrived. I may be ripped off and get rubbish. 

Hopefully I'll get a job offer today. Otherwise I don't know how much longer I can continue.

I'm drinking pretty much daily, using pretty much daily. I'm back to my skinny self... I'm not underweight.. but almost.

I'm so broken.

I honestly don't think I can do this game of life for much longer.

X x

HI Jay 

I was not here yesterday. 

It sounds from your e-mail that you are in a place that is very frightening, how did you get there? What is the mess that you mention? What are you afraid of?

I cannot call you, but I will do my best to answer your e-mail, writing is as therapeutic as talking.  I have many appointments today but I will answer you.

R*** x

❤️ 05th October 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

Ok I had a massive binge last night. My arms are black, blue and swollen. I've told J*** I do want Detox... not emergency but soon. I'll pretend at work I'm being taken on a surprise holiday.

Anyway R***, im sooooo excited. I'm viewing 6 brand new houses in Canvey Island, Essex this weekend. All have ensuites!

I'd prefer the cheaper one so I can reduce my mortgage. Well both will result in a reduction, but the former means I can take £10k for fees and also buying new stuff like bedding, towels, pots and pans.

Plus the first has not ONE but TWO walk in wardrobes, which means the spare room can be rented rather than being a dressing room.

I'm so excited about being anonymous. My whole neighbourhood won't judge me based on the lies my parents have spread.

Women will stop staring at me, it'll be back to just men... when I look nice!!

I reckon this is my last chance, so whilst I can't say with congruency I'll be sober, I'm certainly not risking anything for fucking, stupid, sole destroying drugs!!

You might not get rid of me that quickly though. I may stay registered with my doctor for a while as I'm concerned, like in Plymouth, I'll be put on genetic concerta. 

Not only is it weaker, but it's EASILY abused.

You almost need a chemistry degree to extract methylphenidate from concerta.

Tell Dr. P I'm sorry for messing her around. Honestly though I could do this on my own but I can't.

It was so hard admitting that to J***. I hate not being right, and it's only rare that I'm not!!

Love Jay x x 

❤️ 12th December 2017 - Journal - KINDA FREAKY

Ok, as you know, I’m psychic. This is not always an enjoyable gift.

When they’ve been on a campaign to spread lies, I can feel the hate and disgust emitting from strangers where ever I go. This in turn makes me want to stay at home, in this damp house, this in turn, makes me sick.

Also, when people lie... I get the most sickening wave of guilt radiating through me... it’s horrible, as people with ADHD have enough anxiety and guilt naturally, I don’t really need to feel this anymore, due to other people’s anxieties over their piss poor behaviour.

However, I’m still thankfully for my gift. It’s how I read tarot... when I get it right.. well I always get it right.. but when I’m proper smacking a reading say, I get this amazing buzz. Seriously, it makes the feeling you get from the first time you IV heroin or cocaine, so inferior, I cannot begin to explain.

You feel the whole body orgasm (like IV brown) and then the amazing rush and high (like IV coke)... this is the only thing I can liken it to. And can you imagine in real life how I try to explain this feeling without the drug references! 

Anyway, it’s the best high ever. 1000x banging up any substance on earth.

So... here this..

It was just before Xmas and me and N where chilling in the front room.

All of a sudden I say to N

‘Yeah, I fancy some cake’

N looks puzzled

‘Did I mention cake?’

Both of us start thinking. N is first to say

‘I never said anything about cake’

‘Yeah, you’re right, you didn’t’ I replied 

‘I was confused! I was thinking about cake, but I decided I couldn’t be bothered to get it from the kitchen’

‘Yeah, you never said anything about cake... I just got the feeling of cake... I could feel you thinking it’

We we’re both gobsmacked.

So.. this leads me to think.. how I feel people’s feelings when I read cards, is just the start of this ability. After this experience I can see how it would progress. I bet, when we die, we can share information through mind reading. Within a few seconds, we can share our whole life with someone.

It just feels right. And now I can see how it could develop.

So... place your bets people... when we’re dead, I bet, we don’t have to speak to share information with each other!

I don’t care if your Catholic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, atheists, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah Witness, Mormon, or insert other... because I believe we all

Get to go to heaven. Only the real evil nasty people are excluded. My family, Ian Huntley, Jamie B’s s killers, Fred and Rose, Myra.... people like this... well there’s something in between but basically after that they’re given a life where they suffer and they have a chance to be a better person. So it’s nice to know people listed above are doomed for a life filled with starvation, disease, abuse and pain. 

Ok, don’t digress I FUCKING MIND READ!

❤️ 2018 - BLAM HATERS -BLOG RESTORED!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO

Ok, this has taken weeks and weeks.... seriously. Discovered my blog was missing posts... say.... mid December... End of December??

And we’re end of February now...

And I’ve finally done it!!

Blog restored.

Made some interesting discoveries in the process too.

So including this post, I have 

Posts All - 434

Posts Draft - 11

Posts Published - 423

You can knock me down fuckers, but I’m like a Weeble... Weebles Wobble But They Don’t Fall Down!!

I must amend my settings in case my unlocked mobile falls into unscrupulous hands. I suspect this could have been a factor in the previous mass exodus of my blog posts.

New material, descriptive stories of events... basically more creative enjoyable posts to come.

I’ll be back on Twitter soon too.

@Gemma_Stalked 

Hit me up.... I’ve got bear followers, you won’t be noticed.

Blam! 

Big love to the lovers

Even bigger love to the haters - you’ve made me the most amazingly determined, conscious, kind, fucking brilliant person I am today.

❤️ Holes In My Needles

Well well well. Glad my New Year’s resolution is to document more crazy shit. But, hey, why wait for the new year.

He’s clear evidence my family are SICK FUCKS. Down below you will see photographs of my relatively new needles.

Due to ethylphenidate wrecking my veins, I have limited options left. So one of my ‘family’s’ games is called ‘Let’s make her works even more dangerous than what they already are’.

Yes, I have the only family in the world who actually make their child’s intravenous drug problem MORE dangerous!!

One of their favourite parts of this game is to get something thin and metal (I assume... paper clip??)?, burn it real hot, and make holes in my needles!!

So I miss around 50% of my hits.

And BUY MORE DRUGS.

Who, with an ounce of sanity makes their kids needles MORE dangerous???

Sick, sick people.

As it is no longer air tight, it’s hard to establish whether you’re in a vein.

So thanks, I’ve had to share someone else’s works now coz of you!!!

UPDATE - I KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS DOING THIS NOW WHICH IS WHY THIS POST WILL BE KEPT IN DRAFT FORMAT FOF THE MEAN TIME. ORIGINALLY POSTED DECEMBER 2017

❤️ 2016 - Random Lyrics

Dis can’t phase me 

I’m crazy 

To late to save me 

Fuck recovery

Right now I’m too lazy

Gotta big a big gal, finally leave needle hell, but that’s something 

Is this true?

No misconstrued 

Hate ensued 

After everything else I’ve been thru

I’m made of steel, 

Although I feel, 

shits too real, 

and I’ve been killed

 

God’s on my side, 

he can’t abide their fucked up lies, 

how they’ve implied 

I’m a junkie, 

Guaranteed, 

Public hatred for me 

too an axe to that tree 

disintegrate with their hate

And I’ll use drugs  for ever you see

That pin won’t leave me

Oh I love the face, when I taste 

❤️ My Lyrics - 2015

Ok, for those of you who don’t know, I’ve in the last 5 years, got into spitting.

That’s rapping to hip hop for those who aren’t familiar with the colloquial language.

And, as it happens. I’m not too bad.

Obviously I’m better when I can prepare my lyrics, but  I can freestyle too.

Here’s my lyrics to Eminem’s Mocking Bird. A song which sends stabbing pain through my heart because I wish my daddy still loved me.

‘I know you miss your mum,

And I know you miss your dad,

But they’ve gone, and so has the family you once had.

They can see you cry

And get high

Their solution was to lie

You will never have the truth

Even though you have bear proof 

Started off kinda small

After you had a fall

But you couldn’t make that change 

Soon became a household name 

Sold your soul

To the Sun

To the press 

No longer do you impress 

Now your life is a mess

The solution equals death 

You still hope, you’ll be saved 

You were wrong, drugs you craved

Wanted love, so misbehaved

They got you Sectioned

Still not phased

But now you cannot take much more

You watch them walk, past your door

Looking at their mobile phone

Watching you, sob alone

And you wish they had some shame

Coz they are the cause of your pain

Can’t rewind, but you can change

And be a family once again

I remember back one day when we

We’re in the park

You were there, so was I

But you were acting really dark

So I called out loud your name

But you clearly had no shame

Causing me so damn much pain 

Now you’re doing it again 

I just don’t understand why

I sit here, try not to cry

My solution, to get high

If we speak, then we both lie

I really wish I could understand 

The conclusion to your plan

On my feet I try to stand

You keep hitting, so I land’

My family know this, but should they ever be honest, I’ll sell my house, quit my job and pay for 6 months rehab.

And do it properly.

I’d love my family back.

But I have a feeling, I’ll either commit suicide and my friends will make sure the press get my blog, or I’ll eventually sell my story and go it alone.

Like a optimistic puppy, I still prey and hope they’ll tell the truth.

Deep down, I know their shame and guilt means they won’t.

I miss my mum and dad. From 1981 to 2014.

RIP.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Letter To Psychosis - 2015

I’ll be free from pain

Regain privacy

Be rid of you

I’ll miss Orion and Fyver. N will find them a home. You don’t like Orion because he cries.

And P

Sell my good for money for Orion and Fyver.

It would be totally retarded to abuse them. Save the abuse for me... Unwanted Family Member.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked