❤️ 07th July 2015 - Journal

The one joy of a stimulant addiction is its appetite suppressing qualities.

Ok, weighing less than 7 stone 7 pounds or 105lbs renders me into a living skeleton with my sagging skin making my breast appear to look like spaniel dog ears. My bicep on my upper arm becomes thinner than my elbow. My ribs and hip bones become painfully sharp and whilst lying on my side I still have a prominent thigh gap, something I am rather grotesquely still proud of.

But if I am able to hover at 7.10lbs/108lbs to 8.3lbs/115lbs I am finally at a low enough weight where my annoying pot belly, one of the joys of being apple shaped, loses enough fat to prove I do have stomach muscles.

Being apple shaped means I can fit a UK 6 or USA 2 and still have a rounded tummy, looking like I'm slightly pregnant or have just been to Pizza Hut all you can eat lunch time buffet.

I have to hit the lowest weight for my height (8.4lbs/116lbs) to finally lose my rounded tummy and achieve a toned, flat tummy enough to rival a Victoria Secret model.

Being fat from aged 10-18, my weight has always played a huge part in my life. I've always had top weights, once 10 stone (140lbs) now 9 stone (126lbs) which upon hitting means serious dieting and exercise must be embarked on.

Although I must have hit an all time low in the height of my addiction of around 6.7lbs/91lbs, and completely aware of my grotesque appearance, I enjoyed and now miss, the removal of the nagging voice telling me I'm too fat, I must exercise, 10,000 steps a day, stave off eating for as long as possible due to my inability to refrain from binging in the evening.

In order to sleep with my ADHD, smoking weed is a nightly appearance and the inevitable munchies catch me each time I do so.

This is why is was easy to fall into the clutches of benzodiazepine addiction, as these too lulled me to sleep, without creating a mad hunger for sweet treats like cannabis unfortunately does.

Due to my binge at the beginning of the month, I was forced to face an annoying 3 week binge. 3 weeks due to one week using speed!! It's so unfair.

Thankfully the enormous hunger I had has faded away, but I am far from happy at the weight I am now at.

And yep, she's back again, the nagging voice screaming I'm fat.

I'm hoping to lose half a stone and tone up. Oh the joys of sober life.

❤️ 14th July 2015 - Journal

Ok, here's more evidence that I am perfectly sane of mind, and have always been so, even during the height of my ethylphenidate addiction.

So, I haven't seen my brother, girlfriend and one of the reasons I am still alive, my gorgeous, perfect, wonderful, niece P**** since Christmas.

If I die, and remain childless, my home, belongings, pets, everything, is for her and her only. I know she'll grow up to know she doesn't see her scummy junkie Aunty as she's a dirty druggy. I do hope she's told I suffer from ADHD which is why I have had drug problems.

Anyway, since Christmas I have only encountered the 'psychosis' version of my brother and his girlfriend. I call these versions Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. Nice But Dim actually pretended to be a bunny at one stage... Don't ask... Scratching around under the sofa. 

I was rather accommodating to Nice But Dim. I'd leave the room so she could leave her hiding place. She was still incredibly mean to me. Stealing the locket of my dearly beloved Tsega's fur (RIP my baby), making mess on the floor as she's aware I would clean it.

Not only was this mean to me, but my terminally ill, cancer stricken mother, would only have to deal with the mess after I had given up on trying to sweep a floor that she would continually blow more mess from under the cabinets or sofa.

I suffer from OCD as part of my ADHD, so am particular about certain things.

I have, naturally, been very nasty to Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. However it was asked for as they tormented me to high heaven.

Fat Cunt even refused to take a beautiful bunny toy I bought for the light of my life. I even wrote a story to go with him. It was about my bunny Cyran, killed by a fox. In the story instead of dying he dug a hole to escape and burrowed into their garden.

Upon seeing a beautiful baby and kind mummy he went to live with them.

That broke my heart. Hate me, deny me seeing her, but how can you refuse a toy bought with real thought and much love.

She doesn't deserve to miss out on being spoiled because you hate me. 

Anyway she's just turned one. I must have spent between £70-£100 on my princess. Another bunny toy, giraffe toy, paddling pool, garden tunnel, two light up bath toys, two cheap bath toys, roaring lion toy... Probably more too.

She had two birthday celebrations. I even made the tower for her birthday cake as my mother's one, professional cake maker, was rubbish. And that's being kind.

Yet I was invited to neither. If invited I would have come and watched her open my presents and left. Yet denied that joy.

Sad as seeing her is a real incentive to stay clean. 

I asked my mother why I wasn't invited. She replied I had upset my brother and his girlfriend. Now when confronted about my 'psychosis' being real, she's denied with such certainty you would believe I was trying to convince her the sky was pink.

So, I have had NO contact with my brother or girlfriend. Therefore the encounters I've had, are definitely with Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim.

So I am perplexed to say the least as to how I've upset them.

In fact, although I was incredibly malicious to the psychosis versions, I was also heart felt. Told them precious P**** was to inherit my 3 bedroomed house, expensive gold, teddies and more.

I told them she either rented my home out or sold it and then the money, which is in excess of £120,000 equity, was to be placed into a saving account to be given to her aged 25.

I also swore should all the girlfriend's family and mine and any reasonable friend's die, and P**** needed a home, I'd change my life substantially to care for her.

I also poured my heart out about being a child and fond memories. Such as buying my brother a toy lizard in primary school and a bully stealing it from him. Of course I retrieved it. Buying him a South Park badge when hearing he was bullied in High School. 

The nights we would both come home fucked and he would knock on my door asking if I had any pills, coke, weed or other.  How we'd sit up all night in my room, him on my bed settee, chatting loved up ecstasy till dawn. 

Still they would do the most evil things to torment me. They played, via a speaker from my next door neighbours window, a sound of an animal being dragged to its death by a fox I'd guess.  The noise got fainter and fainter until it stopped. Now it sounded bait as the noise, the animal's cry, never varied each time.

Then they tried to play it again. I stated

'Don't play that noise. It upsets Orion and the pets (Orion is my Bengal). It doesn't bother me, but Orion gets distressed. No matter how much you hate me, don't upset my animals. I'd never do anything to hurt A***** (their dog) no matter how much I hate you' the noise stopped after that comment.

I'll probably go away for Christmas this year. I'm getting a large redundancy package as they're well aware their bullying resulted in me being the UK's most famous junkie after Amy Winehouse (RIP) and Pete Doherty. That way they can have the perfect family Christmas without worrying my presence will prevent the perfect son and co. attending

Oh well, it's not my fault, 'Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive'

Mwah Jay x

❤️ 14th July 2015 - Junkettes

I've noticed some recent surge in my notoriety. So let's share, the negativety inducing, resulting in my drug abusing, Junkettes!

Thursday 9th July, midnight, 163 Bus from Morden

Lad, aged 16-18, not drunk but upon realising I had caught him staring at me, promptly pretended to be. I love staring a weak Junkette out. Makes them real uncomfortable.

Thursday 9th July, midnight, Oakway SW20

Couple on other side of road. Female 'She's the one with' whispers 'coke'

Me 'COKE' 

Me 'Crack actually'

Thursday 9th July, midnight, Southway SW20

I so happen to gaze on these arseholes from my bedroom window. Always with a bottle of wine open on the table. Therefore clearly alcoholics. But alcohol is legal so they're clearly allowed to cast judgement on me. Someone who self mediates their ADHD. They came out to have a good stare whilst I burned a splif.

I gave them a Jay special one finger salute. Queue the lady walking right to the end of the garden and the obese man pretending to look next door 

Here's their daughters. I'm someone's daughter too. So I can't see a problem in this. Will definitely get them too 

Alcohol addicts who think they have some moral high ground over a stimulant addict

See you on the park bench arseholes 

❤️ 21st July 2015 - Journal

Not much process. My family have been over from Ireland and I've taken my georgous 10 year old cousin Science Museum, Natural History Museum, park, shop for magazines and feeding my rabbits.

She already has two cats and two dogs. 'Plllllllur Eaaaasssseeee mummy!'

'Please can I get some bunnies'

'Rabbits are the only pet I really wanted'

She's georgous, and copies me to high heaven.

I have Big Mac. She does. I have diet coke. She does. I have tattoo. She wants the magazine with temporary tattoos.

Of course, I had to be crude 

Science Museum

 

Natural History

I've decided to tell you a little more about me. I'll pretend I'm popular and gave loads of questions posted. Although I'm a junkie this may surprise you

1) I love animals. So far had 3 cats and 3 rabbits. Want to rescue battery hens. Would love a little dog 

2) favourite colour... PINK. My bedroom will be hot pink and aqua.

3) vital stats 32D - 28 - 32

Clothes UK 6-8 (USA 2-4)

Height 5'6 or 168cm

Weight 119lbs or 53.9kgs

Hair Long and blonde

Eyes Green

Medium tans easily skin tone 

Shoes 5

4) Hobbies. Tarot reading. Crystal guidance using pendulums. Seeing dead people. Nan S, Tsega my Bengal and Cyran my bunny. Caring for alive pets.

5) First car. Mini Mayfair Jet Black. E758 ELW

6) Bought flat aged 24.... Moved out of home 25

7) Bought house aged 32

8) travelled to Minorca, Majorca, Tenerife, Furteventure, Spain (Costa Brava, Costa Dorada, Costa Del Sol) Greece (Rhodes, Cyprus, Corfu, Crete), Turkey (Bodrom, Mamaris), Portugal, Catalan, France, Germany, Prague, Ireland, Florida, Dominican Republic

9) Favourite smells Lemon, coco butter

10) First aider 

11) Health and Safety qualified 

12) Counselling qualified 

13) CRB (police check) countersignatory 

14) alcoholic drink - Kopperberg

15) views, believe in karma, so try not to hurt others. I'm aware my using does.

16) Prefer Chelsea Football Club

17) music - hip hop! From Biggie, snoop, 2 pac, dre, 50, Eminem, game, terror squad, lil Wayne.... Rihanna

18) wear.. Tiny skirts and vest tops. Couldn't give a shit bout my tracks and scars

19) hopes - to tell the nation my side of the story some day. Book of my life published. Decent job. Do more tarot.

20) four tattoos. A mother and daughter symbol on the left side of tummy. A new beginnings symbol on my left wrist. A tattoo of my dead cat on my left forearm and a karma symbol above the new beginnings one

21) three holes in my left ear, two in right.

Pierced belly button. Pierced labret (under lip)

22) TV, Family Guy, documentaries

23) secret talent, rapping!

 

❤️ 21st July 2015 - A Junkette

Hello Pot, this is kettle, you're black

Another alcoholic Junkette who think they are better than a druggie who self medicates her ADHD

❤️ 23rd July 2015 - Journal

I'm going to start writing an autobiography in this blog. I'll use previous Once Upon a Time posts for some of it.

Although I am a terrible junkie, my life couldn't be further removed from society's ideologies and stereo types of a intravenous drug user.

Middle class family. Parents still together. House in a posh part of London worth over £800,000 ($1,200,000 or €1,200,000).

Convent school educated. GCSEs and A Levels.

Always worked (bar my recent sick leave), driving and owning a car at 17. 

Bought my flat aged 24, house aged 32.

I've hid my drug addiction for years, getting badly hooked on crack and heroin aged 25. By 27 to 28 I was a daily user spending up to £100 per day.

Aged 28 I adopted two bengal cats. One was the runt who no one else wanted. He hadn't had injections or his microchip, and only cost £100. £170 of you include the injections and chip. A second show quality one followed at £550, who I discovered, had been abused by a large man.

Till today he cowers at the sight of a tall male stranger, and still flinches when I go to pet him on occasions.

Bunnies followed... They're house bunnies. Although now it's summer they have a new outside hutch. They'll return to the conservatory in the autumn.

I'm well travelled. Have abseiled, bungee jumped, paraglide, scuba dived, snorkelled, kayaking, karate champion.

Volunteered for charities, raised money for charities, do cheap tarot reading, use crystals.

Been bullied for sticky out ears. Once pinned back I got acne. Then I got fat aged 11.

Lost weight at 18, and puppy fat at 21.

At school I'd regularly finish my work, and then disrupt the whole class. At college I discovered I was dyslexic. Proving an answer as to why at school I was top set for Maths and Science and bottom for English.

Then my hyperactivity was given the label of ADHD. IQ tests revealed an IQ of 150 and showed I was ambidextrous.

Worked in McDonald's, market research, office temp, bar tender, before starting a career in education aged 21.

By 27 I was creating and managing new projects, and soon elevated (without the pay nor title) to project manager across college with my procedures and policies being implemented college wide.

One two awards for my work and managed it well, including the 60% increase in work load.

Change of management and work load increasing to a 110% increase marked my down fall.

I also dealt with a stressful house move. My shared ownership flat had never been issued with the correct documents upon my 100% purchase.

My ADHD encompasses an OCD for perfectionism. I had gone from perfect job and perfect flat (bar the noise from over crowding in the flat above) to working for a manager I could not please no matter what I did and a house which required serious renovating. 

This is when I discovered ethylphenidate and it's calming effect on me. It was highly caustic and if sniffed, it felt like you blew chunks of your nose out the following day, so I soon progressed to rectal administration. 

Around 10 months after discovering this drug, off sick from work and bored I decided to try intravenous use. This was due to me wanting to try diamorphine intravenously.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The bitter taste in the back of my throat. The explosion in my head seconds latter as it hit my brain.

Within 3 months I was no longer using rectally and could not get up in the morning without jabbing a needle into my vein.

I went from horrendously groggy and barely conscience to alert, awake and raring to go. Instantaneously like flicking a switch.

In 4 months I had disintegrated to the point of being skeletal.

Two detoxes, a ban on ethylphenidate and still steadying my feet due to me falling off the wagon and here I am.

I hope you enjoy my future posts!

I must finish my last Once Upon a Time too.

Love the UKs most famous junkie

Jay x

❤️ February 2014 - Once Upon a Time - The First Hit

December 2013 PROLOGUE 

I was at the ADHD clinic waiting to see Professor Nut. Already elevated to Godly status due to the fact he was the drugs advisor for parliament only to be kicked out for stating to a load of coke heads and alcoholics, that ecstasy was less detrimental to society than alcohol. He was spot on of course. And promptly fired.

He specialised in people with ADHD and addiction. Around 70% of unmedicated adults with ADHD self medicated. Me included.

Impatient as always I took to resticking the crocked posters in the waiting room. My ADHD comprises of an OCD for perfectionism. Crocked posters really drive me mad. I had arrived ridiculously early, as my ADHD also mad me prone to lateness. Something my OCD despised.

Then came in another client. Busy like a Tasmanian Devil, he rushed in.

'Sorry I'm late, I missed the train, then the bus and ended up having to walk. I'm bloody knackered darling'

In front of me stood a ripped male, hyper and camp as could be.

'You alright darling' he said to me not pausing for a breath.

'Yes, do you have ADHD? I have ADHD too. You take drugs? I self medicate with stimulants'

I fired my reply with just as much hyper enthusiasm.

'Yeah that's why I'm here. I'm a bit naughty with Tina'

'Me too, only crack'

The younger boy sat with his parents who had ADD, that's ADHD without the hyperness sat amazed at the two crazy people fighting to speak over each other.

'I smoke crack and heroin'

'I used IV... Inject'

'Really?' He was the epitome of health. I was shocked a needle junkie could look so good. Clearly it didn't trap him like society would have you believe.

Our 15 minute conversation seemed like 3, time flew and soon I was back out with a script for 56mg of concerta. 

I waited for M*** and we left together. Swapping mobiles and Facebook details I joined him in the HIV clinic where he collected meds for his partner. We said our goodbyes and parted.

January 2014

Knowing M*** used intravenously and was very healthy had played on my mind for some time. I always wanted to see what the fuss was over heroin IV so decided to try it. I found a website called Exchange selling needles, syringes, disposable bins, and more so placed an order.

I ordered 5 pink syringes, 5 small 30g yellow needles and 5 MicroBD 32g diabetic needles. A bin, alcohol wipes, vitamin C over citric as my research said this was less damaging, cookers and these amazing filters.

I waited for N to leave on evening and cooked up some B using memory from documentarys and films. I had researched on how to give an injection and easily flagged a vein. I pushed plunge and... ... ... Nothing. Nothing special anyway. I wasn't clucking anymore but there was no amazing rush.

A few days later I tried again with no success. The following day, a new batch of brown, and I tried again. I flagged a vein and pushed the plunger. This time a funny taste hit the back of my mouth within 5 seconds and 5 more and it hit me.

Fuck fuck fuck. I know knew its allure. In my chest this huge ball of pleasure, feeling like an orgasm, radiated from the centre, to my toes, fingers and head. It took my breath away. 10 seconds of the most amazing feeling. 

After the rush of euphoria the nod followed. Unable to keep my eyes open my head bobbed up and down whilst I experienced the most amazing gouch since I had first used when I was opiate naive.

By the time N returned I was still wrapped in its warm hug, but not off my face. For a change there was no anger at his lateness.

Thankfully brown isn't my poison. I'd still be fighting otherwise. But I was still using ethylphenidate rectally and often up all night.

One night whilst N slept in my room, curiosity took over rational thinking. 'I wonder what ethylphenidate feels like injected?' I pondered in the front bedroom resembling a junk room. Dawn was rising and I just turned the light off. My night had been spent tidying and arranging, the regular speed freaks behaviours.

I poured some of the white powder into a cooker and added water. It all dissolved meaning no need for a filter. I sucked it up, using a needle as I was still very cautious back then, and just like the films, flicked out the air bubbles.

I flagged and pushed. In 5 seconds I had the most distinctive chemical taste in the back of my mouth and then....

BANG!!!!

My head exploded. I hit a high a million times higher than ever before. A pure, clean buzz. My hands trembled with adrenaline. This was amazing. A calmness erupted in my brain, almost as if I was an oxymoron. My body hyper and my head at peace.

I hid my needles knowing I would be doing that again. Little did I know I would do it until almost dead

❤️ 28th July 2015 - Journal

Sunday and Monday's are my worst days. As I'm dead cert on not giving a dirty piss test Tuesday's, I can't use Saturday, Sunday or Monday. 

Saturday I'm normally still recovering from my Thursday smoke with my bestie girl, her man and my bestie boy N.

This morning I clucked for speed. Although it has devastating results due to my parents having no choice but to continue their detrimental behaviour trying to convince me I'mad, as they don't want to admit they do evil things to me.

I hate my father but if he stood there and said 'Jay, yes I did do those things to you' or even 'you were never mad', I'd give him a second chance.  

My mother would cry when he tormented me. Even when I said I'll stop if the craziness stops, my mother did, he continued. I asked my mother 'one day can we talk honestly about this' and she replied yes.

Without the honesty I'll drift away. I'll still see my mum, but not the rest of them. Ill still spoil P****. Unless I have kids, she's going to inherit my estate. (Ahmmmm my ex-council 3 bed home!! Estate sounds like I'm a Lady in a mansion).

But she'll also get the truth which she'll be required to read prior to receipt of my belongings.

A lot of people, did a lot of sick things to me. Because I am a dirty junkie. But they were never told I have ADHD. That might evoke sympathy.

I had a jumper with ADHD in the style of ADDC the band. It's disappeared so the UK doesn't find out.

If I don't get a chance to tell the truth I'll eventually disappear. Think there's a national campaign to make one person think they're mad. I was locked in the nut house when everyone knew I wasn't mad.

I read the statement my father gave the nut house and this is why I hate him. 

He's ruined my right to a quiet life, my career in education, my reputation. Just to have me locked up in a place that did not do anything to help me at all.

I knew I would be locked away to rot. I'm not really mad. They can't do shit for me. All they did was sedate real crazy people. M****** with dementia, trespassing on the male ward smoking match sticks. G***** who collected fag butts and dribbled on himself. The girl who assaulted me for sleeping with my light on. K**** who's father was a hyena and would eat you to the bone. M*** who walked around in a daze, like she's had too many benzos and was out of it. P**** who was highly strung, anxious and slept in the corridor due to having a light shone on you in the hourly checks.

I smuggled drugs in and let my friend access my online banking to ensure a daily supply was brought to me. 

Fresh pins were hidden in food packets for me. The staff were too busy watching the real crazy people to have the time to check, no problem, J****'s food. They didn't even check my suitcase properly.

When my parents refused to home treat me in front of the doctor and social worker, despite my pleas of abstinence (which due to fear, I would have maintained), I decided my loss of freedom would be used to bang up in peace daily.

I'll never forgive them for that. But a relationship can be rebuilt on honesty.

I'll keep on trying but only the future knows what is in store.

A hopeful Jay x x

❤️ 01st August 2015 - Journal

Well I've been a bad girl this week! Cocaine (powdered), crack and heroin. The cocaine was half sniffed and half injected, heroin one pin (injected) and two splifs. Crack, mostly smoked with a teenie, tiniest piece added to the brown to make a 'snow ball'.

Only a little bit naughty. 

Whilst most of you people reading will think 'Hur, that's terrible, you're still a needle junkie', I think a little emphatic view point may help you not think I am a complete and utter disgusting, drug fiend.

1) As it's been some time since I've use my first drug of choice. And I'm craving if bad. But once I start on ethylphenidate, I can not stop. This is the only part of AA/NA which I can resonate with. 'One hit is never enough'. This is the only drug which I didn't have control over, it controlled me.

2) So to reduce the constant craving to bang up speed I've been using a couple times a week. 

3) Yes I have injected on occasions, BUT I've also been sniffing coke. And the drug hierarchy is as follows 

* Bombing drugs or tablet drugs. Bombing is wrapping powder with a rizla and swallowing

* Sublingual or Cheek. This normally has a higher bioavailability 

* Sniffing 

* Rectal 

* Skin popping - using a needle to just go under the skin, this takes 20-30 minutes 

* Intramuscular - needle into muscle 

* Intravenous - needle into the vein  

4) As my parents made using in the comfort of MY own home, or their fucking house worse than the abuse I receive from the general public, I frequently used outside. This means most my local pubs, fast food restaurants,  park toilet, cemeteries, it goes on, are a trigger for me. 

It's like obese people complaining you can stop drugs or alcohol, but you need food and its everywhere. My using was everywhere. I do wish my parents let me have their house as a safe place to use. When I’m not being hounded I used so much less. Plus, I'd have a lot less triggering areas etched in my mind.

I'll fight these urges for the rest of my life.

I wish my parent stopped tormenting me and helped with my recovery. I needed help, not more chaos. I know I failed two detoxes, but it was like they washed their hands of me. My whole family. They did absolutely no research into addiction. Nor the fact the average addict has 8 attempts at sobriety. No, they dedicated their research into how to make their daughter think she’s mad. 

Add to that, the whole community knowing my problems, which ultimately make things worse. If everyone who tormented me, instead gave £1-5, I could have paid for an ADHD doctor to get my Ritalin, and had money spare for detox or rehab

If you’re on the mobile site I’m aware the drop down doesn’t work. Go to www.thefamousjunkie.blogspot.com for the home page

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#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked