Tarot - March 2015

Please help me get my mess

• 3 Cups
• Temperance 
• 3 Wands

Sense of community - not time to go alone

Look forward to pleasant reunion to something you’ve been apart from for some time 

Sense of being supported

Ask for help, don’t be proud 

(UPDATE 2018 - definitely not my medication as it took almost a year to get back on that. The only reunion I had after detox was back with drugs. Although I did start seeing R*** my drugs counsellor, and I got a good key worker called J* at MDART, so I definitely had support outside my home / family)

Work through issues and find balance 

Things going much better in future 

Need rest (UPDATE 2018 - rehab?)

Wish comes true in positive way (UPDATE 2018 - well I did get my meds back eventually)

Health is better than imagined

Ask for help

19th June 2018 - Journal

Did another little bit of my master plan today! Hurray. Drip drip drip... pretty soon that becomes a problem. 

Every day I cannot connect to my WiFi, I’m going to do another drip. 

Thank god for google street view. Given me everything I needed.

Keeping this vague. Which is fine. Concerned stranger... type thing.

But when I do MY thing, I’ll also mention this. And I’m pretty sure if it’s not been investigated, it will then. Just keep dripping Jem. It’s evil. But so are they. Oh well, karma.

Think I’m gonna shot a bit in Plymouth. A - nice fat supply to get high on. B - they took my phone. So I wanna emerse myself as much as possible with drugs. And, the money I make will cover the costs of their abuse (phones, travelling, money stolen, deliveries stolen etc.)

I hope they’re pleased with their actions. I’m still using. I plan to use sooo much due to them trying to stop me. And the only thing they’ve achieved is my pure hatred for them. Congrats arseholes. If they had left my phone alone I would have kept my promise about banging up. Now I’m never going to attempt sobriety again.

18th June 2018 - Journal

I am soooo damn pissed these arseholes have taken my phone and won’t let me connect to my own god Dam WiFi. 

This is what spurns me on to make them fucking pay. 

And boy am I going big for these two things. 

In fact, I’ve already started implementing a cunning plan. I may do a follow up tomorrow... but different.. just to build a picture. 

Fuck with me, and watch me spend my whole life fucking with you back

Questions - Spring 2015

How big is this? Whole of UK? I’m quite scared after being stalked in central London

How did the stalkers get on board? Are they paid? Twitter? Facebook?

Why do they not want me in effective treatment? (ADHD, substance abuse)

What have they told stalkers about me? I’m a terrible crack / smack head junkie and I need to be stalked for my own good?

Please tell them I need the truth to live. I am not mad. Springfield only made me use more. I am a junkie! But perfectly sane. I would swap drugs for rehab. MDART mentioned a nice farm one.

This isn’t justifiable if my only crime is banging up drugs!

UPDATE 2018 - this is big. Whole of the fucking UK. And due to the recent push through social media for those who speak two languages, probably world wide now. In fact given the readers of my blog, it is world wide.

The Sun. Now social media is their tool for spreading hatred and lies

Because they’re crazy. Abusers don’t stop abusing.

Oh... and I did go to the nice rehab! Not the farm one as it was NA, but one recommended by R*** in Devon.. my beloved Longreach.

17th June 2018 - Journal

Well they’ve managed to ruin another bday.

My mother came to my door with a couple of cards. None from my nieces. And an Xmas card. That just shows how much they bother with me.

It’s Father’s Day today, but like I give a shit. I am never dealing with that shit again.

I still cannot connect to my WiFi. Phone is still fucked. I can’t believe I have to buy yet another phone. They’ve ruined a 4, 5, 5C, 6, 7, X x 2.

And iPad 1, 2 and 3. 

I can’t wait to get my injunctions. I’ve found some good bits to support it too. 

I’ve started packing, got quite a lot done. I recon I’ll have that room finished later.

I doubt I’ll ever see them again. Kinda bitter sweet. I would get upset, but not connecting to my WiFi is enough to piss me off again. 

Ended up getting b last night. Not that I really like it. I’m feeling like shit today. I just wanted to stick a needle in me. Coz they took my phone.  Cunts.

Did do the last one booty style. The pins I have are so rusty, so I really didn’t wanna jab myself again

13th June 2018 - Journal

My father moaned about the time I gave him my mobile phone upgrade for his 40th bday.  At the time I had just been made redundant, and my upgrade was worth a lot of money.  Well now it's almost my bday and he's abusing me.

Don't know why my father and my brother are so cruel.  They should protect me.  All i needed was help.  Yes, they could have been pissed at my relapses, but just one person who was there for me.

Why do they enjoy abusing me?

At least when my mother is on abuse duty, it isn't as bad.

I AM a human
I HAVE feelings
I HURT

I'm so ashamed at their behaviour.  
So sad
So broken
So worthless

I would love to know what research proves gas lighting and abuse is successful for stopping substance abuse....  In those with ADHD... Coz for me, instead of hating drugs, I just hate them.

My addiction to crack and heroin made me hate heroin and dislike crack addiction.

The last 4 years has made me love the respite drugs bring.  Any hatred is directed at them.  Why not let me hate drugs?  I don't even hate ethylphenidate.  If I was left alone I have no doubt that I would.

They could have been angry at my relapses, distance coz I was using, ashamed at my addiction but been there. and when drugs began to hurt me, I would have gone to them.  Maybe just for a hug.  But I would have.

And I would dislike drugs and not them.

Even though 'some' harm has come from drugs, due to their malicious behaviour I hate them 100% and love drugs 100%

And that makes me hate them even more.

They took away my chance of recovery.  This cudda been my victory lap, if I wasn't on the verge of relapse.

Now this process of getting to hate drugs myself will start again in Plymouth.

12th June 2018 - Journal Part 2

Well today I  had a little smoke for my bday.  I haven't had money in ages.

And queue the gas lighting.

I've put sticky tape over the sockets, so naturally they played a sound on their stupid speakers which sounded like the tape being removed.

All that effort for a pitiful £20 smoke.

CUNTS.

12th June 2018 - Journal Part 1

House sale is complete!!!!

Victim Support said I could get an injunction.  Was quite shocked and sickened at the abuse I have suffered for the past 4 years.

I'm so happy.

Stalking and harassment injunction
Theft
Illegal entry
Destroying property
Emotional abuse
Financial abuse
Physical health through damp (most likely caused by the shit they have done to my house in order to be able to access it at numerous points)
Abuse of government IT systems (I have no doubt my father is abusing the IT systems at the Met Police to abuse me)
Hate crime (the hate campaign)

18th April 2012 - Journal

If God does exist, he's a cruel fucking bastard.  Why take life from those who want to live and make those who have nothing to live for, live?

Please let me die and give my life to someone who would appreciate it more.

I have nothing to live for.  No partner, no children, few friends.  I work to pay bills for a place I hate.  I am miserable, sad and depressed.

(UPDATE 2018 - This was just before I sold my flat and moved into the house of horrors... Like literally just before I took an offer.  I had the neighbours from hell upstairs intentionally making my life a misery with noise.  It's quite sad actually, I don't think I've been happy since 2011)

20th May 2015 - Journal

I'm so excited about the possibility I could get my methylphenidate back.

There's another drug I could take but it takes 6 weeks to work. So I'll probably use while taking it and unlikely to stop when it does kick in.

For me methylphenidate renders crack and cocaine useless. This is what I need. It works immediately and soothes my schizo brain.

So guess I'm off to rehab. I need to wean off my buprenorphine and may go back to detox to do the last jump.

Currently I'm 6.8mgs. Next week 6mgs and I may do week after 4mgs and next

Week 2mgs.   Then possibly detox for  

4 Days 1.8mgs 

4 Days 1.4mgs 

4 Days 1mgs  

4 Days .8mgs 

4 Days .4mgs

But on the outside I've got the herbal high Kractom to help with the drops. It's a plant that attaches to the opiate receptors but isn't an opiate.

It's addictive but not for someone like me with a huge tolerance. It's short acting so lasts 4-6 hours and I'll need to take 4-6 capsules each 4-6 hours. I'll only need it for 2-3 days each week when the drop kicks in. It takes 2-3 days to notice a drop.

Plus I'll have the legal high benzos 

Etizolam 

Diclazepam 

Flubromazepam  

Pyrazolam (There's a few new ones too)

This can help me with the anxiety, restlessness and sleeplessness.

I'm really trying on this one as although I can see me using drugs later in life. I'm fed up with opiate addiction.

Fingers crossed