❤️ 01st March 2018 - Journal

I do mostly enjoy my ADHD superpower. The endless energy. The playful nature. The impulsivity which has infectious humour. The need for mischief. To be liked. To be the best.

If there were no negative consequences, it would be a super power. Multitasking. Intelligent. Unrealistic ability to connect with others through curiosity, the need to talk and the need to be liked.

But the disability ADHD means the amazing highs are accompanied by the most crushing lows. The stomach churning anxiety, reliving with sickening cringes, remembering events anyone else would have long forgot. 

The constant criticism, self doubt, self hate. 

The same traits which I adore... talking impulsively, also can mean negative reactions from others.

The lows are debilitating. I sit, engrossed in nothing worth while. Hyper focused on my phone. Desperately trying to occupy my mind with anything other than my self created shame and guilt.

Whilst the highs, surpass any illegal substance, the lows are severe enough to trigger suicide.

ADHD thought - eventually ADHD will evolve to not include these negative traits. The negative will eventually breed themselves out the gene pool with suicide, self harm and neglect for one selves.

They have feed back on the EA’s at work and the number of customer surveys. Out of 15 EAs around 8 featured in a pretty bar graph. 7 people hovered at the 2 mark. One at the 10. It was me.... I was horrified. Rather than view this as a success, I panicked I looked like a saddo who sat at home and fraudulently completed surveys on them self.

‘That graph isn’t correct, I’ve had 10’ said a colleague. I quickly realised they had to scale, reduced the numbers. So if 2 equates to 8, 10 equates to 40.

I emailed my manager I stated I hadn’t done any. I have him both my normal and VPN IP addresses.

I received praise from Mr I Want You Fired manager. The venom was clear, well to me and my stupid empathic nature.

I had a shit morning... too many needy, or upset feeling candidates. So I felt terrible picking up all that energy.

Anyway bored now

J

❤️ 10th April 2015 - 17th April 2015 - MEET THE JUNKETTES!!!! Part 2

These are the people who stalked me whilst on the way to the Nut House (Springfield) 

*actually whilst in the Nut House Grounds

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Things That Annoy Me

Reality TV

Watched something weight loss so I don’t look like a stranded whale on the beach when my ex is here too. Presented by some Geordie who over exaggerates every word which leaves her mouth. Unless your IQ is boardering on mental retardation, it is as patronising as fuck. To add salt to a freshly sliced wound, this Vicky (I think), is sat there with her gut hanging over the size 8 trousers which are too small for her. There are sooo many incredibly healthy bloggers these days. Choosing someone who could do with losing 7-14lbs herself is hardly motivational. I know why I stick to documentaries. This annoyed the fuck out of me. Actually reverted me to the self conceded, arrogant POS I used to be (and now despise).

Unrealistic Dramas

Ok, I’m actually enjoying Bliss on Sky 1. The last drama I watched must have been Humans.. series 1. However this plot has holes all over! Sky - please use some of the extortionate fees you charge to pay for researchers. The main character is completely neurotic. There’s no way TWO wives would put up with this behaviour for 15 years. He definitely would have tripped up by now. 

Queue Jumpers

Maybe I’m too old school and polite. Maybe due to the bullshit spread about me, I received more negative behaviour. But am I fucking invisible?!? Queue jumping... That’s ingrained in my British behavioural traits. I hate queue jumpers. Which leads to....

People Who Arrive On The Tube Platform AFTER ME, But Got Lucky Coz The Tube Didn’t Stop Where It Should

Ok... when I’m unlucky I hate the lucky. Tables turned and I feel smug. Can’t really complain can I? 

Taking Two Seats On Public Transport

Now, I generally only use public transport in rush hour. I don’t care if you’re going 1-2 stops, in rush hour this is akin to treason. I will ask you to move if there’s no other seats and annoy you with the fact I have to carry a bag big enough for my kitchen sink! If it’s quiet and you’re going a couple of stops, that’s ok. I can get claustrophobic myself on the inside seat. But, bus fills up... move you selfish prick.

People Who Behave Like Detrimental Stereotypes

I have a good heart. I endeavour to judge the real person for what they are on the inside. But I am only human. I can, revive the nasty, self entitled bitch, from my 20’s... quick to judge you on your appearance. Not that it’s an excuse, but being fat and bullied for being ugly from 10-18 spurned this appalling behaviour. I’m different now... but I HATE people who behave like negative stereotypes. Large people who are lazy. Unemployed people who rip off the benefit system and don’t want to work. Young people who want to be famous for nothing and have £30k a year with no experience, qualifications or work ethic. Single mums having more children they can provide for, for the pay rise from the government. Criminals who give up their ways, but refuse to start from the bottom on the employment ladder, like most people do at 16-20. Poorly parented children, fed junk and E numbers, with parents crying ADHD. People who are ‘disabled’ through self inflicted behaviours. Miserable old women... I brushed past one on a packed bus the other day, who cried out loud, when my small handbag brushed her arm. People who thinks the world owes them a living and don’t take responsibility for their poor life choices. I could write this paragraph all night.

Negative Outlook

Yes it’s hard at time, but people who do so well in life, and one bad result, and their miserable and draining my energy. Today, I had two candidates from work, one who I don’t have time for, the other who I really like... but the negativity... it drained so much from me. And I pick up your energy! You make me feel like crap.

The Dick Who Vomited On TWO Northern Line Tube Seats in Rush Hour Today

Thanks! Much appreciated. 

Bullies

We all now know, as adults, your family treat you like a POS, so it’s not really your fault you think your behaviour is acceptable. And it’s a defence mechanism in order to soothe your own wounded ego, but when I read about another teenager killing themselves, it hits home. You don’t have a clue of the life long psychological damage you cause people. If any of you fuckers do manage to make a success of yourselves, I hope karma hurts you back another way. Bullying resulted in myself being less kind and considerate when I was no longer ugly or fat. I have a borderline eating disorder due to you. 

ADHD Doubters

I’m not and haven’t been lower/working class

My family have not been on benefits

My parents are together 

I wasn’t filled with junk and additives as a child 

Having ADHD doesn’t affect my benefit claim (don’t get anymore)

I’m not a council house tennant

I work 

I’m intelligent 

I’m 30-fucking-6

There’s NO benefits in fabricating my disability. It does exist. Otherwise I would not experience a paradoxical effect to stimulants. Too much coffee would not make me sleepy. It’s REAL god damn you. And debilitating. I don’t make as much dopamine as you. 

Whatever-ists 

Race, sex, orientation, religion, whatever.. your small minded views and anger, will not eradicate whatever you dispise. People can’t help what sex they find attractive, religion will exist for thousands or more years, just like the colour of skin. Why waste time and energy with so much hate. If you took a fraction of that energy and used it for doing something charitable, fuck, we’d achieve world peace. I challenge the whatever-ists, if you hate Muslims, Jews, Black, Asian, Immigrants, Refugees, Gays, Misogynists... I challenge you, spend 30 minutes the next week talking to someone you’d normally direct hate at. See them as a person, not a choice you don’t agree with. Hear their challenges, struggles, achievements. I guess the irony in this post, is my dislike for you, while telling you to behave differently. Still, whatever-ists CAN change. Skin colour, the religion you are born, sexual orientation, CAN NOT.

Animal / Child Abusers

Whilst I can tolerate the above, you are pure scum. 

Anyway, I will continue to add to this. I don’t actually want to do anymore now, as its making me feeling negative. 

And, I know I’ve used the HATE word a lot. But it’s not hate-hate. Nothing like what I feel for my family.

It’s a mild dislike in comparison.

So, let’s try love! Give love and you’ll get it!

Laters 

X x

❤️ 20th April 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

Stayed the night at R**’s. Didn’t have my car, plus no money.

R** suggests we get a lift to Streatham Vale in a can his sister has ordered.

My mobile battery is also dead.

P**** arrives with her baby daughter and her older daughter K***** next to her. I told R** the cabby wouldn’t take us all, but he was having none of it.

Anyway, I sit in the third seat in the back. R** gets in the front. As predicted the cabby starts moaning he can only take four passengers (even though the baby is on P****’s lap and not needing a seat).

I told R** I knew this would happen and get out. Next thing I know, is the fucking cab drives off with R** included.

I am left stranded in G**** H***. With only a tiny bit of cash to my name. It’s 2pm and I started to walk. When I get to the bus stop, none of the buses are goi f in my direction.

So I walk the 10 minute car journey, which takes fucking hours. 

I read my book ‘A Piece of Cake’ whilst walking. I stopped the park for a smoke (heroin).

I really want to go to W****’s mum’s house, bang on the door and slap him in the face something silly. 

But it’ll be 3pm, so I don’t want to risk it as his children will be there.

At Streatham Vale I get the bus to Mitcham and reach at 4.30pm. Charge my phone and text R** telling him I have one word for him. Wanker.

He replies ‘sorry bout that. Did you get back ok?’. I told him I had to fucking walk. He replied ‘you just jumped out the cab, didn’t give me much chance to think, much less react. Or else I would have gone with you’. Then ‘you just left and the driver drove off. I didn’t really get much chance’ .

He’s a big strong man. He could have said stop. I’m so vexed and my abuse continues. R** texts ‘you impulsively jumped out, saying I’m off, and I’m getting grief for it. What happened last night?’ Ummm the Facebook incident??

He just doesn’t get it does he? I finally get through to him and he says ‘sorry. Again. As usual I know. But I mean it’. I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone.

R** ‘I DON’T WANT TO’ I repeat myself. ‘I LOVE YOU’

❤️ 30,000 Page Views BLAM!!

Wooo hooooo 

Made 30,000 page views. Wow!

And, I’ve gone through my Dropbox which has some fantastic Evidence for me to add.

Blam!

❤️ 28th March 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

R** told me he was going for a few drinks with J*** after work and he wouldn’t be late. I wait till around midnight before I really try to contact him.

Thinking he’s just gone to a normal pub, closing at 11.30pm - 12am.

I can’t get hold of him. 

Eventually I get a text, saying he’ll text before he comes home. 

I wake up every hour. 1am. 2am and finally 3am. 

I’m freaking out, worried something has happened to my precious baby (he had a serious medical condition to bear in mind)

Still not contact to say he’s alive. 

Finally at 3am I manage to speak to him. He’s on his way back home, didn’t think to contact me, apparently was ‘just about to’, that old chestnut.

To top things off, his cousin is accompanying him back to my Flat.

I can’t believe I been worrying my arse off for nothing. Just pure inconsideration. He knows he would be freaking out, thinking I was dead or raped if I said I was going for a couple of drinks and didn’t contact him for hours, then turned up pissed at 3.30am. 

I only wish he would treat me as he wished to be treated. It’s like he’s slightly autistic and is not able to imagine what other people are feeling as a result of his actions. 

❤️ 2008 - 2009 - Boyfriend Dramas

When W**** has hurt me

I have decided to keep record of when R** has hurt me.

Although he is the best I’ve ever had, by miles, as far as boyfriends’ are concerned, he’s no way near perfect.

If the time comes for us to move on; if he leaves me, I can read this and remember the pain and hopefully it’ll ease my sorrow.

If the time comes, and I leave him, I’ll have a justified list of bad things for my reason.

In a perfect world, none of this would have happened and I’d be blissfully happy like November 2007 - February 2008.

W****

Good Points

He would never cheat on me

Treats me like a lady 

He likes to always pay and spoil me

He would make an excellent husband 

I would like him to father my children

He doesn’t get pissed, smoke or do drugs

He genuinely cares about me

Me makes me laugh and smile 

He’s very attractive and fit 

He’s intelligent and can hold decent conversations

He wants to be with me forever 

No matter how angry I am, his eyes makes me want to forgive him

90% I can’t fault his personality 

I did something with him in the bedroom he’s never done before (not the exact transcript!! 😊)

I love his Frank Bruno laugh

He has the most beautiful, deep brown, eyes

And beautiful smile

I like it when he takes the piss out of me for being dumb 

I love his sexy upper body 

Bad Points

He snores and keeps me up most the time

He over anayalises everything 

He is always right! And when he’s wrong he cops the hump

He’s jealous and insecure

His friends walk all over him 

Too close to his family, especially his mother

When he’s in the wrong, he’ll always try to find something to make me look worse

He’s number one in my life and I’ll never be number one in his 

Can be very inconsiderate at times

Can switch and be very cold and lack emotional 

Can switch and be aggressive with is intimidating 

Doesn’t stand up to S*****, pays double CS, phone bill and probably more he doesn’t tell me about 

S***** makes kids hate me and he doesn’t change it. Will my children’s half brother and sister hate them? Get annoyed coz they have to share their dad?

In bed, coz a bit inexperienced, he’s shy at times (not exact transcript)

Broken no lie rule!

(2018 - to be honest, I have pushed out my memories of R**. They are locked far away in my brain. Having to write this, has forced me to unlock that box. I kinda hurts. Which means, to someone who’s not turned into a stone cold bitch, it really hurts. Fuck, yeah, I’ll be honest. It hurts. Out of all my serious other halves, while my first love will always be T****, R** will be my biggest regret. I wish S****** wasn’t a jealous bitch and didn’t use their kids as ammunition. She knew she wasn’t getting him back. Why try to make him unhappy. Why threaten him with denying access to his children if we were together. It’s a shame. I was the first girlfriend after the split. If I was second, I’d never of had to have that termination. Instead of pets, I’ve gave children... a 10 year old by now. But, I’m grateful I had the pleasure of spending 3 years with R**. 

I’ve actually been super into girls recently... but thinking of R** makes me long for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing again)

❤️ So I Bought A Lottery Ticket

Well two scratchies... and BLAM. Take that muva fuckas....

Please keep hating me and judging me... you’re sending some serious positive karma my way

First scratch card 

Cost £1. Won £2.

Second scratch card

Cost £2. Won £5

❤️ 25th July 2008 -Journal

I am truly sad. My future has been wiped out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back again. I can say goodbye to waking up next to someone I love with my whole heart. I can say goodbye to those magic words ‘will you marry me?’. I can say goodbye to wearing my white dress and walking down the aisle. I can say goodbye to looking my lover, my best friend and future husband, in the eye, and telling him I’m pregnant.

R** has been lying to S******. He told her we aren’t together as she wouldn’t let him see the children otherwise. He recons he was going to tell her at some point and she would be ok about it. Maybe when she’d found a boyfriend.

But I know she won’t be alright. She’ll go mental at him for lying to her. And then she’ll stop him seeing the children anyway. 

I’ve know from day one there’s no competition between me and his children. The only other option is to keep me as the dirty little secret I am today. We would have to secretly get married, with R** slipping his ring off  when he goes to her house (I found out today he went there.... Rest of written entry is not here!

Oh my god, this was painful reliving this. It ivy things had worked out with R**. My life would be so different. I anticipate in a good way, but I can’t be certain. 

Although I am grateful for every experience I have had, including the negative. If I could go back to meeting R** again and ironing out these issues, I would in a heart beat.

❤️ I Need To Buy A Lottery Ticket!!

Ok, so back in 2016 before rehab, I tested positive for the hepatitis C virus. Before I went to rehab a letter was sent saying it was undetectable in my blood, meaning this don, had self cleared it!!

Yay!!

Unfortunately the letter arrived in February 2017. 

So, due to my carelessness in between self clearing and myself receiving the letter, I had been a dick again. 

This meant I yet again received the bad news about showing a positive test result.

Just had my investigation appointment today... BLAM! Undetectable again!!

So... it looks like, I’ve self cleared the fucker twice!!

The only other explanation is the test was so basic, it only tested for antibodies being present and I had only self cleared once. I need to check how long the antibodies stay present in the blood. But given the time between both tests.... and I’m well aware I have been a complete dick when it comes to keeping my works clean, I am learning towards my body being a bad ass don and have self cleared twice.

You know I’m buying a lottery ticket. And a scratchy!!