❤️ February 2015 - June 2015 - Once Upon a Time - Ethylphenidate Addiction

Due to my two failed detoxes, my parents decided my failure was enough to have the whole of the U.K. turn against me.

It's desperately sad, read any book on addiction and you'll see the addict fail time after time, Gloria Estafan style.

Whilst I never suffered from psychosis, I did suffer from mania, and became often wild and disillusioned during these phases. 

I'd sellotape my gear to my thigh, wear my onesie. Dressing gown, get into bed... Otherwise my gear would be stolen as I slept.

When the whole world tried to convince me I was mad. Even my Psych agreed a junkie would never lose, contaminated or piss around with their stash. Unlike text book psychosis, if I didn't do this, mine would be stolen or contaminated. 

I also did this with my pins as mine got damaged by psychosis too. Meaning I couldn't flag and suffered horrendously from missed shots.

Even when I would try to sleep, they would push and push me, sending me more and more manic, I was acting animalistic.

Rolling a spliff to help me sleep, only to find it ripped in to two pieces seconds later. 

I'd leave my house or my parents' house, only to find the street Spring into action, just like when I was an extra on Eastenders. 

The same faces passing me time and time again. However, unlike Eastenders, they rarely had any believable acting skills. They would anxiously stare at me, quickly looking away should my sparkling green eyes, with mildly expanded pupils, catch theirs, they would look away with a sheer aroma of anxiety. Well 90%, some of the younger, mainly those from an Asian ethnicity would taunt me, shouting abuse on one end of the scale, or flirting with an injected, erratic, enthusiastic nature; appearing extremely unnatural; certainly not a behaviour I had experienced in my previous 33 years on earth.

'I'm sober you dick wads!' I'd repeat my mantra in my head, often shouting out to the Junkette's I would frequently see. The frustration, especially when I was sober caused me to think fuck this! If I'm  living in crazy town, I'm having the drugs which are supposedly taking me there.

So I used and used. In public, in bushes, in rubbish bins, in bin sheds, in overgrown back passages leading to garages, in McDonald's toilets, in pub toilets, if dark, crouched between two vehicles underneath the orange glow of the street lights. 

I'd use in the shelters conveniently made for me at the park. I'd use on the bus. Sneaking my hand into my bag, prepping my shot and using a vein from my hand.Carefully inserting the needle when I  knew I had reached a traffic light giving me enough time to do so.

❤️ 17th February 2018 - Update

Ok, so I’m moving to the country. Placed a deposit on a 3 bed, ensuite, downstairs toilet, large garden and parking, new build house. Yay! I will escape my abusers. Should be ready in October. Decided to have a look in Devon when I was practically dying from pneumonia. I was incredibly suicidal.

Before this incident, me and N had a big bust up. I think the catalyst was N coming and trying it on with me (and being successful on some occasions) when I had been drinking and took zolpidem. Now, Zopiclone and a beer... nothing. You’ve gotta be tipsy for Zopiclone black out. Zolpidem and a mear sniff of booze... that’s it. Memory gone and tales of the craziness that pursued.

Anyway, although my short term memory is crap, I think this subject may have been the initial fuel to the argument’s fire.

I’m sure my insistence on him having his own room in the new place I built increased his anger. This resulted in myself receiving messages saying

N is well aware being alone in his house is fear number one.

So I arranged to see R***, and when N disclosed the above text was a ‘joke’, yet I insisted he spent ONE NIGHT away, as per the aformented text, he went mad, to put it bluntly.

Refused to give Cyra, my bunny back initially also.

So, suicide was at the forefront of my mind. 

This was exuberated by my poor performance at work, when i was under the belief my pneumonia was a cold.

Then, I discovered properties I could buy outright in Plymouth, where I went Rehab. 

Went to visit one weekend, which proved to be a disaster, as I managed to lock myself out of my iPhone so only arranged one viewing.

The house wasn’t right, the Estate agent was pressuring me to an offer, even though I wanted to view it again. She had a lot of other offers apparently. I’m not rushing a decision to spend £200k, so told her politely to take one of the other offers then, and promptly blocked her number.

Did see my friends, so I knew it was the right decision.

So, last weekend, I found my house!!

My sleeping tablets never arrived again. As a result I’ve been using b... I want the tablets, but bar tablets only heroin is a strong enough sedative to ensure I sleep. Why can’t they fuck off and allow me the tablets.

Also, as they hack my dark net accounts, I feel under the pressure to spend all the money I transfer, for fear of losing it. So end up buying coke, which I don’t really want, but it’s preferable over having my.money stolen.

And, I’m lucky enough to have made two discoveries this week. The door is self unlocking!! This is why it’s unlocked most days I arrive home first. And never unlocked should N arrive first.

Left for work, and the house was still in sight when I remembered my temazepam. I sharply turned back. And the door, I had only locked moments ago, was now unlocked (not open, you can’t get in still, unless you have a key, but it’s not locked).

I’ve got super OCD now about locking the door. So I know I locked it.

So... they’re not in my property! They simply remotely unlock the doors!! Very reassuring as I spent over £100 to change all the locks. And really is the only sensible solution I have come too. 

And... my pins being damaged!! I’ve got the answer for that too!! But this story is to be published another day!!

Can’t wait to leave London. Bar N and R***, there’s only one other human who may feel love or strong affection for me... and that’s my niece Precious P. I am yet to, and probably will never, meet baby P.

My colleague who started the same time as me, had resigned during my two weeks of sickness... clearly unable to deal with my candidates, which total around 320, along with her pathetic 150.

She was off all week. I successfully dealt with her candidates and mine. 

Finally, when I do feel ready to get clean, once I’ve escaped and am no longer in so much pain, I want this tattoo on my wrist, covering my veins, when I bang up

Couldn’t be more appropriate for me! This means, should I relapse, those veins won’t be accessible. I cannot see veins under my current tatts.

So, to all my haters... I’ll be 36, with an amazing new build 3 bed house and MORTGAGE FREE FUCKERS.

I’m doing better than you, aren’t I? I bet that only contributes to the misery and bitterness that clearly consumes you so much, you believe you behaviour is acceptable.

Bye, the very smug Junkie, who’s actually far from what you have heard and believe, who’s actually, doing much better than the majority of those who dislike her!!!

❤️ Dear Daily Mail

If this book is in your possession I am dead.  I commited suicide, but it's not really suicide it's murder.  I believe my family tormented me and tormented me, until I killed myself.  They deny this and claim it's drug induced psychosis, but they never stop.

 If I am truly mad, please use these blog posts to create a lovely article on the danger of drug addiction and the subsequent psychosis one is liable to suffer from.

However, if indeed, i did appear in the Sun, was abused and mass stalked by my family (and seeing as you briefly followed me on Twitter, the latter seems to have more credibility), this should be an interesting read.

I will ensure you receive this blog prior to any attempts to terminate my existence. Even though my family have installed surveillance in the house I own, they will most likely sit back and do nothing should

I try to take my life.

If this provides enough evidence for the to be prosecuted, please go ahead.

The main abusers are

My father - Sir Cunt-a-Lot. 

My mother - I have no word for this woman. She cruel beyond what one can imagine. She deserted her baby, when her baby needed her help. I have more maternal instincts for my cat than she does for me.

My brother - Fat Cunt

My brother’s girl friend - Nice But Dim.

I hope they all get equally long custodial sentences.

If I do commit suicide, please get the truth told.

If I had a normal family, who supported me, I could have picked myself up and carried on.

I don’t.

Combined with all the other events, abuse, trauma, this is not suicide. Those people are my murderers. Along with many others contributing.

Please give me a voice.

The truth behind the most twisted tale of abuse lies within this blog.

I had psychosis when I was clean. Psychosis when I was in opiate withdrawal. Psychosis when I was in olanzapine withdrawal. Psychosis from taking a Nytol. I had psychosis after rehab.

I didn’t have psychosis at all when I went away for two emergency detoxes. Nor when I was sectioned in Springfield even though I was still chronically abusing speed, benzos and weed. I smuggled my works in and I was objecting just as much speed in their as I was using outside. I didn’t have psychosis in rehab. Nor when I used excessively outside my home (or their home)

I know I do not have psychosis. I know all these sick, evil things are done by my family. So I am going to document them for you

This blog details the sick things they have done, the subsequent decline in my mental health and even though my family are completely aware of what they’re doing, what the result of their actions are, my suicide; this proves they want me dead. They could have stopped and left me alone.  But they pushed and pushed me.

I DID NOT COMMIT SUICIDE! I WAS MURDERED.

BY MY FAMILY!

When I needed them the most they destroyed me. It broke me. They broke me. I used to love them so much. Now I am scared of them. Petrified. 

I am scared of my own home, due to their unrelentless, disgusting behaviour. They have driven the one person I had supporting me away. My fear of my lack of privacy and the misery they cause me, was the catalyst for the whole mess which occurred prior to my death.

They have destroyed me. 

(If I had a normal family) and I was a normal 36 year old, I could have picked myself up. Told them some bullshit and carried on. Not having any privacy has killed me. Having people enter my home and leaving my door unlocked, or moving my belongings around, or even leaving a big window open so my beloved cat could have escaped, destroyed me. 

They know my cat is the only thing keeping me alive. If that doesn’t prove they want me dead, I don’t know what does.

So enjoy reading the truth (not the bullshit in the Sun), about the world’s most evil parents.

I do not wish to be referred to by my birth name.

Jay x x x 

❤️ 10th September 2016 - Journal

I don’t want to eat anymore. I need thinness. I want to see bones. The less disgusting fat I have, the less hurt I will have. It’s almost like it’s similar to cannabis or benzos. Fat solvable, and the more fat I have, the longer it will take me to rid my body from the sadness.

I have not one person who truly understands. This is sad. I long to spliff my memories, feelings, questions, to someone who will not only not judge me, but believe me.

Then, they’ll hug me... most likely wiping the tears from my eyes. As the more they listen and believe, the more I disclose. The more I disclose, the more I wish for the life and family I once had. The more I wish, the more my heart aches, reliving the abuse. The more I relive the abuse, the more I want to die.

It’s almost an instinct to run to your mummy. For a split second I feel the urge. Then sadness engulfs me as I remember, it’s my mummy who is doing this.

I long to return to a heavy addiction, which would not only numb my pain, but also serve as a diet aid, allowing me to return to my slim physique.

Drugs not only stop me eating when I’m consuming them, but they also shut up the negative voice. The one who wants me dead. I recon she’s formed an alliance with my family. I hate her. She’s driving me to suicide. Right now I’m very close.

I MUST NOT EAT!

I feel weird today... like I could die any moment. Normally this would be welcomed, but Orion is here right now, purring on my lap. So, this makes me change my determined suicidal thoughts. Although I’m aware they’re getting stronger and stronger.

Today, with R***, I came to the conclusion I am NOT addicted to drugs. My addiction lies with self distraction. 

We spoke about if this drug wasn’t available, what would I do. My replies simply gave substitute after substitute, until we had exhausted drugs. 

When that option was no longer available, my thoughts turned to starvation and self harm. 

R*** came to the conclusion I simply wanted to destroy my life. We already know the catalyst for this behaviour. It stems from always feeling inadequate as a child. 

I wish everyone was like R***. I wish they understood my problens runs much deeper than just taking drugs and getting high. 

My problem is not being good enough. Never achieving perfection. No respite from the negative thoughts in my head.

Drugs give me peace from this negativity, which will ultimately kill me. Starving myself also achieves this. 

I want to get so thin I vanish.

My dad just told me I was on.....

2018 - UPDATE - Unfortunately, like many things my family deem not to be permitted in my life, the rest of this diary entry, and the diary, cannot be found.

Or should I say my ‘psychosis’. Yeah, unlike regular, it loves destroying my written memories of our crazy adventures... almost like it’s real or something... hmmmm

❤️ 15th September 2016 - Journal

Well after more than a few days with hardly any sleep, and the subsequent ‘psychosis’ which I only experience at night, when Sir Cunt-a-Lot is in bed, I finally managed to stop my ‘psychotic’ symptoms.

Just like with opiate withdrawal, I simply Googled ‘olanzapine withdrawal symptoms’ and upon zooming in on ‘insomnia’ ta-da! Psychosis has stopped.

It appears that proving to my erratic psychosis that I may have insomnia for reasons other than doing drugs, it stops.

I don’t know why the sickos do it. I’m under constant surveillance. They can rewind their stupid recording and see I’ve been sat in bed for 4 hours, watching TV, at  most, smoking a spliff, having a drink or popping a benzo (when I could have them).

They can see I’ve certainly not been on stimulants all night.

Finally, they KNOW I HAVE ADHD! They even made a point of telling me I was a poor sleeper as a baby / child.  They’re aware now, this is likely due to my disability, I still have my disability... just if I display any symptoms they don’t like, I’m subjected to their sick abuse.

Nice family eh?? Making me suffer because I had a disability, which results in me struggling to sleep.

Akin to giving a wheel chair user a whack for not standing up!

So sad though. The time, money and energy spent on negativity versus the time, money and energy spent of positivity, shows their true colours.

They are nasty people. 

❤️ 14th September 2016 - Journal

Ate 1000 calories today. The ice cream fucked me up. 300 cals. Although this is super good for me. I can easily do a whole tub in one sitting.

Got 5 hours sleep yesterday. I managed to get my hands on a real Zopiclone (not these fake BS tablets, which I take with so much anticipation, only to still be wide awake, 2 hours later. The absence of heavy limbs is a major give away!), so slept from 12am - 3.30am.

Now, I’m wide awake. And subsequently I’ve eaten an apple with yoghurt. That’s another 100 calories. I feel gross. I cannot have breakfast tomorrow now.

At the moment, antipsychotic withdrawal is killing me. I can’t sleep, and my anxiety is off the chance. I find myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day, desperate to escape the depression, anxiety and attempt to sooth my almost manic behaviour enabling me to sleep.

But I cannot stay on these God awful tablets for ever. We all know my psychosis never existed. I must be the only human who takes antipsyches and still has psychosis!!!

Joys of the nasty, negative, detrimental, soul destroying behaviour actually existing!

But, bar calming me down, which was beneficial when I was banging up speed all day, every day, they don’t do anything positive, bar assist with sleep.

They numb me, I’ve lost my spark... whilst I do not feel the sadness to the extent I should, neither do I feel happiness and joy like I used to.

The quieten down my ADHD... I like my ADHD. It’s mostly, a super power, if utilised correctly.

And then you have the appetite increase! Even when I was super strict with regards to diet and exercise, I’d never dip below 9 stone.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I wake up covered in crumbs. Sometimes I have vague memories of getting food, as if it was a dream. Then I see the empty rappers and / or plates. 

The weight gain is the biggest factor in my decision to stop these God damn tablets.

But, whilst they have all the time in the world, to concoct their nasty little plans of what evil abuse to subject me to next, then spend ZERO hours researching the medications I take, their side effects and the effects of withdawal.

And as this is giving me insomnia, and I can’t sleep... well naturally can’t sleep = drugs = commence the bullshit.

Yes... they’re tormenting me... as I’m withdrawing.

They did it when I withdrew from opiates too. Only stopping when I watched a BBC documentary and another addict (codeine, so an acceptable addict), said she was on day 3 with no sleep, to which to said aloud, well aware I was being monitored, ‘see, she’s going through opiate withdrawal and see can’t sleep either!!!’. Then, as if magic, my ‘psychosis’ stopped.

Yes that’s correct, antipsychotics don’t have any effect,  neither does drug use, as it depends whether psychosis is in the mood. Off my tits on ketamine, tripping like fuck... no psychosis. Drinking and knocking down temazepams... no psychosis. Smoking a spliff... psychosis. Go for a few drinks... psychosis.

I’m asking Dr P about how long this horrible, manic, withdrawal will last, but no reply yet. 

I hope soon, I’m using everything and anything in order to get a snippet of respite from how I feel. 

Right, must exercise and starve tomorrow. I will be a size 6-8 again!!

I AM TOO FAT

I MUST NOT EAT

I AM DISGUSTING

I EAT TOO MUCH

I WANT TO BE SO SKINNY I DISAPPEAR 

I WANT TO DIE

I MUST NOT EAT

I MUST DO MORE EXERCISE 

I MUST BE PERFECT

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - COCAINE

This was a story told to me. 

My self and my twin were neglected as children. Our mother and her partner where never their. We never had clean clothes or new things. We were sent to school with scabies. We had no friends and were bullied badly.

By the age of 12-13 we rebelled. Partying with older men and drinking. We ended up being sexually active and drinking too often.

Soon after I tried cocaine. I was naturally shy, and had a speech impediment. When I got drunk and took cocaine, I was confident, tougher. I was a bad Girl. I didn’t take any bullshit. 

Both me and my twin were using a lot. Then she left our flat to live with her boyfriend.

By now I had started pole dancing and stripping. Soon I progressed to high class bars. Cocaine was a daily occurrence. 

My habit grew, possibly due to my sister moving. We had recently had a few negative times; And as a result would become a different person. I have several alter egos, and being the party one shut my bad feelings out.

I soon progressed to highest earner, £5,000 a night, £20,000, all expenses, trips to New York. I was also selling myself.

It didn’t take long until I had a pimp. He was abusive, forced himself on me and was violent.

My addiction meant I could no longer work at the exclusive nightclubs I was used to.

Eventually I ended up on the street. I was dating a homeless guy, but I knew I was in danger from my past.

Thankfully I was able to engage with a drug team, who quickly got me admitted to detox and then rehab.

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - COCAINE

This was a comment from one of my readers. Thanks!  I have bought I had a massive addiction to cocaine which progressed to crack. Since IVing I’ll never return to sniffing, I hope you don't mind me making this a whole post J, thanks for your contribution

My drugs nightmare I was addicted to cocaine. I started when I was 15. Just once a week at first. By 17 I was doing it 2-4 times a week. By 18 I was 5-7 times a week. Aged 19 I used daily. By 20 I was spending £100 a day. I used at work. I lost my job. Lost my home went back to my mom and dads.carried on till my dad found out I maxed his master card on a $5,000 binge. 

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - MEOW MEOW

This was a comment from one of my readers. Thanks!  I have bought MCat over the net, not been impressed. Maybe my ROA, which is IV. I hope you don't mind me making this a whole post J, thanks for your contribution

I was addicted to meow meow. It started as a weekend treat, but the cum downs were real bad. Man!! I started taking the day after just to function. I loose weight, soon taking every day. Den it was banned. I wAs real sad, but secretly happy. The come Down was awful. But I did it. Like reading your blog. Nice as I'm not only one with addict to legal highs. 

❤️ 30th October 2017 - Journal

Ok well I’ve finally come to a logical conclusion... I am allergic to dust / mould mites.. and this is what is driving me crazy.

It’s also partly the reason behind my sectioning.

The bugs!!

The creepy crawly feeling.

I was itching all day, and before I left Boots, like a Victorian, with my scripted cocaine (methylphenidate) and scripted opiates (buprenorphine) I also purchased some Claratin and Benadryl. Both antihistamines. One for day and one for night. Came home and took a day one. Within an hour. Bar my hair, the itching finally ceased.

When I went to clear out my bedroom, suddenly I’m itchy again and my nose is running like a fucker. 

I knew this wasn’t in my head!

I knew it was real! 

This was half the reason for my sectioning.

Yet, the itching, affecting porous items the combination of mould really are exact to those with dust mite allergies which thrive to unbearable numbers when present in mould.

This house is full of mould. My mattress full of mould, in my bathroom I painted over the mould. I’m pretty sure there is mould which is been hidden by wood too.

I think the surge in dust mites causes the visual affects I have seen. For some Reason I have noticed black spots appearing in materials such as blankets and would chopping boards. They appear to been thing but they’re all fluff. And if the item is black clothing, for example, it will get covered in white fluffs. 

Certain types of clothing that a lot of bobbles. Other material to like pillow covers. Certain blankets get black spots appearing constantly.

I hear this week and my floor with bleach nearly every day. Yeah I can guarantee you blackspots will appear moments after doing so. 

I have now discovered mould spores can affect anything, including grout. Which is why mine doesn’t stay down.

Anything porous. Bar glass, metal or plastics. 

I stand to lose anything which isn’t made of what is listed directly above.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked