❤️ Re-Doing Blog... UPDATE - THEY’VE DELETED 168 OF MY PERSONAL BLOG ENTRIES

It’s come to my attention, whilst double checking the diaries I had written into my blog... that a HELL of a lot is missing!

Thankfully this still comes up on my blog.

You cannot log into my google, without me getting a txt message.

So they’ve clearly, very slightly, started deleting my blog entries!! Through my hacked phone!

What the fuck!!

This is MY online diary.

Thankfully, they’re still on the actual blog, so I’m having to copy and paste all my old posts. I know they’re missing as they don’t have my twitter name and #itsnotaboutthedrugs at the bottom.

How pathetic!!!

I still have my diaries. What you gonna steal them

All too????

They’ve deleted well over 100 entries. I couldn’t find the camera light bulb post the other day.

This is evident in itself someone has a guilty conscience!!!!!!! 

Which in turn, is event itself, that what I’ve gone through is real.

Fuck you arseholes. 

You’ve knocked me down a million times before. And this week I shall go through every single diary and add not only the posts which are missing, but anything else I may have missed which shows your pathetic true colours.

Update - it appear 168 had vanished. All my heart felt diaries. But of course, more important to them... all the abuse they have bestowed on me!!!!

Don’t worry, I have a week off work. I’ll bet this up to date!!! And I vow to get my blog posts to reach at least 500. Will be checking both by counting and will keep a separate paper copy of each title of my blog post.

Tick tock tick tock.... time to adult like decent, NORMAL human beings is running out. What till

I get this updated and sent out to all the publishers who follow me on Twitter!!!!

Every little bull shit thing you do, just makes me wanna succeed even more.

Oh, and that involves abusing plenty of drugs until I am successful. 

I’ll get fresh pins each time I use now.

Don’t know why you’d feel threatened by your ‘crazy’ daughters incoherent ramblings... unless there’s truth in them.

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 24th September 2017 - FINAL COUNTDOWN

It's the final countdown..... 

 

One of the companies I went for an interview with and WASN'T successful have asked me back in for a chat about another role. 

 

I have (possibly stupidly) made an appointment at MDART on Wednesday. 

 

I've still had no reasonable offers for my house. 

 

Hopefully my fentanyl is on its way. 

 

This could be it.... one of my last final postings. I am going to be so disappointed if I get the fentanyl, measure it all out careful, bang it up and feel nothing!! 

 

I am ready to die. 

 

If it arrives before my MDART appointment and there's no job offer or offer on my house it's game over. Will spend my last few days trying to sort shit out and giving Orion lots of love. 

 

I took way too much coke in one hit on Friday and had a seizure. Asked N to call an ambulance. He didn't. Probably coz he wanted to finish his coke off. I was still struggling to walk an hour later. 

 

I've had enough of my life.

❤️ 30th September 2016 - Rehab Journal

Why am I writing this shit? I don't know. I'm fucking pissed. A) my Ritalin has worn off B) Kate has contacted me, still lying about giving me a date rape drug. She might be able to get her daughter back and she's shifting it about my threat with the Feds and the hair test. 

I don't belong here. I ain't been abused or lost my kids. I'm just a silly little rich girl who loves drugs. I will always be a junkie, I don't wanna change, just stop opiates.

I like my room mate. C likes Eminem too.

I don't reckon I'll sleep tonight.

Food is on par with Springfield.

It's shit and I want out. 

Can't wait to bang up when I'm out.

Fuck this 

❤️ 02nd October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Everyone here complains they are fat, but they eat so much. I felt power refusing cakes this evening. I wanna tell Rosa I vomited but I'm worried this is self harm and she can break confidentiality. 

 

I'll have to restrict tomorrow as I can't be sick everyday.  

 

Ended up binging! I am disgusting! 

 

* 2018 - To Add - just like in prison or detox, or any other institution, when a group of girls lose their appetite suppressors they get incredibly obsessive about their weight. I’d say easily 1/4 of us displayed eating disordered type thinking. However, without our magic substances, we all gained a lot of weight. I came home a good 10lbs heavier. Both me and R would use the bathroom and run the bath to cover the sound of vomiting. And not just us, as Sick was found when neither me or R was responsible.  

 

I managed to hide diet pills through 2 rooms searches and amnesty!

❤️ 05th October 2016 - Rehab Journal

Need to speak to R***, talking about trauma. Only trauma I've had is the sick things my parents have done to me. I can't bring it up. No one will believe me. 

Plus I haven't been traumatised like them. Just suicide and my overdose and my borderline eating disorder.  

 

I want to eat fish goujons but I can't have lunch and dinner. 

 

Might wash hair later so I can vomit. 

 

I thin the counsellors want me to be depressed and find something I can call traumatic in my life. 

 

I NEED my R***!! 

 

They're telling me I will be depressed when I'm not new! What the fuck!

❤️ 25th January 2018 - Journal

As more days pass by, with me living alone, the more I crave human companionship.

I love my pets dearly. Adopting Cyra was the best choice ever... even though I could have adopted a more responsible approach and waited until once had financial stability.

But, thanks to the unnecessary noise I have in my house, anything that can help my brain to justify it as normal, is welcomed.

Bar the slight knock on my door and my Oyster card vanishing, I’ve not been the subject to anymore abuse.

Which is good. Cause I’m really on the edge right now.

I don’t think I want to stay in London anymore. Or anywhere commutable to London.

My health has taken such devastating blows whilst living here, I crave nothing more than peace and tranquility. 

Should I return to Devon, I could purchase a house outright and rent out the spare rooms.

I don’t even want to fight to have my abusers punished appropriately. 

I’m so tired. I’m so depressed. Each day I do not hang myself is miraculous.

I am so broken. And I must be due my period, as I feel immense sadness for what I once had and what could have been.

I wish I was abused as a child. I wish they did something more than dish out beatings which were not appropriate for little children. I wish I was deprived. I wish my calls for love and attention where ignored.

As, that would have made this all the more bearable and not cause the immense pain I am subjected to. 

Why buy me my car, help me with the deposit for my house.... and then, when I needed you. Really needed you... abandon me? My cry for help, was the most humbling, shameful experience in my life. You didn’t have to do anything. Just tolerate my failures and celebrate my successes.

I needed you more than I needed to drive. More than I needed to purchase a property.

I needed to come down stairs when I was at yours, and snuggle up to my mother on the sofa and rest my head on her. 

I needed to feel like a little girl, and hug my father and feel protected.

However, after a good 15 years of substance abuse problems, my inability to rectify this in a 15 day detox, meant I was to be dropped from what I naively believed was my family.

It took 15 years to get into this mess. I am an outcast for not fixing these problems over night. 

I feel so hopeless. So low. I don’t understand why they started this stupid torrent of abuse. 

Why, would anyone, want to make their child, who clearly has mental health issues, decline with their mental stability.

I know this started before my disclosure. Why? I just want to know how exactly you believed they causing my mental decline would be a catalyst for sobriety?

Surely any idiot can come to the conclusion that, mental decline equates in increasing substance abuse to cope with this?

Then, when I fought for sobriety and was managing many clean days at a time... why continue to abuse me?

Surely, you can see how much you’re hurting me? Why do this, when I’m trying to achieve what you pretend you want? Again, a few hours without this immense pain, is a hard temptation to ignore. Especially when you’re treated the same, clean or high. 

Shit, I hurt so bad I can’t even continue this. Fuck it. I’m an idiot. Nothing’s gonna change, nothing ever will. This world isn’t meant for me.

❤️ Who Is Normal? Not My Sick Fuck Family!

As I sit here, struggling to breathe, with the worst viral infection I’ve ever experienced, I am also contemplating.

Who is normal?

Yes I use drugs.

So do thousands of others.

But, to those supporting my family, do you honestly think their behaviour is normal, acceptable and a suitable response to a adult child who has made the incredibly brave step in asking for her family’s support?

Whether that person asked you directly, or like myself, undertook actions fully aware she would be discovered, this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I’ve never asked before. I have fought alone. I know if I didn’t ask I’d be dead.

I wish I didn’t ask.

They’d still be good people.

Around 12% of adults use drugs.

Undiagnosed adult with ADHD are 80% more likely to abuse substances to self medicated their ADHD.

So, 80% of people with ADHD self medicate.

12% of adults in the UK use drugs.

How many families, authorise mass stalking when their child has problems? 

How many families systematically abuse their child, after their child turned to them for help?

I work.

I own my own house... alone.

Once my bills are paid, I’ll use my money, how I see fit.

❤️ 23rd January 2018 - Journal

Only writing this, just in case I do bother to try and make something of my experience one day. But doubt I will.

N went crazy, recording me with stupid little cameras. Told me he was going to his brother’s and not coming back. When I arranged to see R***, so I wasn’t alone and N decided not to go.... it was all a big joke threatening me with the thing I find most petrifying... of course, me requesting he spent 1 night at his brother’s was enough to cause a massive melt down. He trashed my house in the process. He stole my old iPhone. I’m also having mini anxiety attacks over thoughts he may have stolen other items. If he hasn’t, I’m sure they will have taken them. So I’m not even looking. So sad, if so. Anyway, tears,’spilt milk and all. 

Fucking blackmailed me with the rabbit. Cunt. Came here like he was gonna return. Caused a massive scene. Asked for his stuff and ran off with her. 

I slashed the wires on his razor and shit.

Everyone needs something to love. Not everyone can have a person to love. All I have are my pets. Without them, there’s no point to life.

My notoriety is in full force again. Everyone is staring at me. Too much to cope with when I feel so awful.

I’d spent the week fucking up big time at work, thinking I had a cold. Only to find out I have pneumonia.

Went to hospital last week thursday. Hadn’t slept so relied on way too much sugar and caffiene. So when my meds wore off I was hype. 

Stupid junior doctors clearly skipped uni on the day they read the paragraph on ADHD has more concerned I was hyper and had a fast heart beat. I’m always taccy... I’m lucky to get 118bpm.

So sent me away recommending sugar based cough syrup.

Anyway after a weekend of not being able to breathe, GP sent me back their yesterday for chest X-ray.

It’s really scary.

On antibiotics and steroids.

Have never felt so poorly. Bar, chronic anxiety, I have no hyperactivity... which is very strange.

Chance to tell my story seems too good to be true. The financial incentives are unrealistic, the producer made reference to this blog, when I had not told my colleague the web address. And I know it’s not easy to find via Google. No major websites link to mine. No advertisers... it’s fucking hard to find, unless you have the link.

With my health being so poor, I don’t even care about them having justice in this life. I’m too poorly to fight, too tired for their bullshit, to beaten and broken.

God know exactly what they’re doing, and a lifetime of karma ensues. They are bad, bad people. They are going to Hell. On the other side, a lifetime on earth is over in a matter of hours, or days. I know God will punish them. They destroyed me when I stupidly admitted I needed them. 

People who were my family. I doubt I’ll ever know why on this life. They’ll never put a stop to my pain by being honest. Or prove they’re not as bad as I anticipate by modifying their behaviour. 

As R*** said, they can change things before it’s too late. They could make a tiny step on the road to forgiveness. They can make positive changes... if they want to. 

But the destruction of me, in order to hide their dirty little secret is more important. 

With the dodgy film offer, which will most likely only be a documentary to cause more damage to my reputation, I’m broken peeps.

Instinctively my heart longs for them. Like that split second when you wake up and haven’t remembered the recent devastating events in your life... and then, you remember and your heart sinks. 

So... I’m at breaking point. I’m sure I’ll have more chance of the truth being told if I’m dead anyway. Their sick behaviour turns from abusers to manslaughter, if I end this miserable existence.

Ohhh... just to coincide with the pneumonia, which can be caused by fungus’s... I’ve found more mould in the house.

Every time I’m sick I find mould. This house is killing me.

Think my only chance of living is to move far, buy outright and not work in a full time, stressful job.

Anyway, over and out.

I give up.

❤️ 2006 - A Poem For You - My Reply After Uncalled For Nasty Text Messages

Ok, I’m being a bitch. And I know I’d never ever dare say this to the person. But I’m still humam

Thank you for being my best mate

The times we have are so great

Even when you get let down 

I will try to be around

I know for me, you'd do the same

You've helped me through some real bad pain 

Even though it's caused ????

Obw day we'll be old and wise

Then we'll look back and sigh

'Simon and Jay' why oh why?

We were silly girls then

But at lease you're still my friend 

I know sometimes I make you sad

And sometimes you make me mad

I know we won't always agree

But I know you're there for me

And I promise to be there

The bad times I'll help you

I know we didn't talk for a while 

But I'm glad I can still make you smile

Love H****

2017 - My Reply After The Shit Stiring

I ain’t no more,

Be real

Never was

Just hung wid ya

Coz ya made dis bitch look good

Your wide load ass

Made me look fine

Still not skinny

But the hot guys where mine

We read ya diary

We know you were groomed 

Similar to the stories

Asian guys in the news

So you fucked that guy

When you were 12

He was in his 20’s

What the hell

You’ve always been weird

Had daddy problems 

Probably why 

Your like the sun

Don’t matter what day

Got negative to say

Only happy, when there’s a man there to play

Oh and let’s not forget 

All the STDs

That’s why your childless

Most definitely 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 11th August 2011 - Ibogaine Journal

Ok, well after my failed attempt of reducing / withdrawing from buprenorphine in the Dominican Republic, I’m now biting the bullet and doing it now.

There was way too much excellent cocaine in the Caribbean.. and although, unlike crack, when you sniff subbie it stops you clucking, I still sniffed and not reduced.

Since the heroin drought of 2009, I’ve been getting subbies off N****. But after losing contact for a week, begging S**** for methadone and ultimately buying Brown, I’ve decided to go for it. Started withdrawing yesterday. But Tuesday, the day before, I fucked it up by sniffing 2.5mgs so I could have one more smoke.

Anyway took about 0.2gs today just to get through work.

N**** stayed over and baby sat me! Just in case it got fucked up. By 9pm I was clucking bad.

Sick even.

Took a little tester at 9pm. You have to test first. And you have to wait until your Trainspotting sick before you have a proper dose of Ibogaine.

Apparently it’s a miracle cure.

I spent the night kicking, whilst N**** slept like a baby. 

I bombed it. That’s when you take a powdered substance and wrap it in rizla and swallow.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep.