I love my pets dearly. Adopting Cyra was the best choice ever... even though I could have adopted a more responsible approach and waited until once had financial stability.
But, thanks to the unnecessary noise I have in my house, anything that can help my brain to justify it as normal, is welcomed.
Bar the slight knock on my door and my Oyster card vanishing, I’ve not been the subject to anymore abuse.
Which is good. Cause I’m really on the edge right now.
I don’t think I want to stay in London anymore. Or anywhere commutable to London.
My health has taken such devastating blows whilst living here, I crave nothing more than peace and tranquility.
Should I return to Devon, I could purchase a house outright and rent out the spare rooms.
I don’t even want to fight to have my abusers punished appropriately.
I’m so tired. I’m so depressed. Each day I do not hang myself is miraculous.
I am so broken. And I must be due my period, as I feel immense sadness for what I once had and what could have been.
I wish I was abused as a child. I wish they did something more than dish out beatings which were not appropriate for little children. I wish I was deprived. I wish my calls for love and attention where ignored.
As, that would have made this all the more bearable and not cause the immense pain I am subjected to.
Why buy me my car, help me with the deposit for my house.... and then, when I needed you. Really needed you... abandon me? My cry for help, was the most humbling, shameful experience in my life. You didn’t have to do anything. Just tolerate my failures and celebrate my successes.
I needed you more than I needed to drive. More than I needed to purchase a property.
I needed to come down stairs when I was at yours, and snuggle up to my mother on the sofa and rest my head on her.
I needed to feel like a little girl, and hug my father and feel protected.
However, after a good 15 years of substance abuse problems, my inability to rectify this in a 15 day detox, meant I was to be dropped from what I naively believed was my family.
It took 15 years to get into this mess. I am an outcast for not fixing these problems over night.
I feel so hopeless. So low. I don’t understand why they started this stupid torrent of abuse.
Why, would anyone, want to make their child, who clearly has mental health issues, decline with their mental stability.
I know this started before my disclosure. Why? I just want to know how exactly you believed they causing my mental decline would be a catalyst for sobriety?
Surely any idiot can come to the conclusion that, mental decline equates in increasing substance abuse to cope with this?
Then, when I fought for sobriety and was managing many clean days at a time... why continue to abuse me?
Surely, you can see how much you’re hurting me? Why do this, when I’m trying to achieve what you pretend you want? Again, a few hours without this immense pain, is a hard temptation to ignore. Especially when you’re treated the same, clean or high.
Shit, I hurt so bad I can’t even continue this. Fuck it. I’m an idiot. Nothing’s gonna change, nothing ever will. This world isn’t meant for me.
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