❤️ Office Pranks 101

Almost was the proud owner of a freshly printed P45 Tuesday. 

The story goes like this...

Firstly, I want to clearly state, my my job description is clearly listed in the Oxford Dictionary under the words ‘stressful’, ‘unmanageable’ and ‘exhausting’. 

Ok... not exactly, but those three adjectives are definitely a true reflection of my job. Therefore letting off steam, opposed to walking out the door and never returning, is needed!!

So.. Monday my manager states he’s not in tomorrow and who wants to be in charge (jokingly). Of course my hand stuck up quicker than what Usan Bolt can do with running stuff.

I asked could I bring my rabbit in.

I was told under no circumstance to bring my rabbit in.

So, Tuesday... emailed myself a picture of my rabbit, and on my lunch break I made it relatively big in Word and colour printed.

Then, I cut the rabbit shape out.

I then got my colleagues to react to the piece of paper whilst I took photos.

I cropped my hands out the photos and added a filter. This was to hide the fact it was clearly a cut out. This was the hardest part due to the uncontrollable laughter.

Then, new pictures emails to myself, before uploading them to the company social media app. I also emailed them to my manager A** and another fucking sounds manager called F****. I made sure I kept to the random section. I only ever post on random. 

It just so happened the manager’s meeting which was taking place at the time, was actually discussing the company social media app and how I was someone who actively used it.

F**** checked his work email during the meeting and showed my manager the email. My manager started shitting himself and asked F**** not to tell anyone. As he viewed these pics on a mobile phone they looked quite realistic.

Queue their break... the and the senior manager seeing my post.

I’m pretty sure there were swear words involved as they exclaimed ‘Jay’s brought her rabbit to work!!’

It didn’t take long for someone to look at the pictures properly and realise it was a cut out. 

❤️ 14th January 2010 - Journal

Run out of money again! Borrowed £100 off S****.

Straight up, got a smoke for me and N****. Pretty bad but I couldn’t resist.

Only 4 light (crack) and a £15 (heroin).

Went to mum’s did her birthday dinner. Why do I love kuba so much? (Crack).

Ended up doing a couple of blazes in the bathroom of my rents house.

❤️ 24th March 2010 - Journal

Dear God, spirit guide, angels and the rest of the other side.

Please help me, I’m really hoping P**** isn’t my 30 year old who I marry and have kids with (I was told this in a tarot reading)

You know I long for someone like me. Crib, job, whip and no kids.

Yet you give me someone with two kids and another two on the way. Now job, no whip, still lives at home with mummy.

I will never be M**. Even if he did fall for me, he would never love me like he does her.

After R** I promised myself I wasn’t going to settle for second best again.

I’d rather live a lonely miserable existence opposed to being second best again.

I need someone who is going to be my number one and me his.

The only way that can happen is if he’s childless. The only time I won’t be his number one is when WE have OUR first baby together.

P**** has proven he was just using me.

He got what he wanted and as the month has progressed he’s shown his true colours.

I totally understand his child and baby mum will always come before any mates.

Shit even if we did get together and have kids, I know M** and H***** would come before me and my baby.

But he knows I’m scared I have no one else

❤️ 13th March 2018 - I’m Working Hardly Using, They’re Still Abusing

I just wanted to add this. I don’t normally publish in the morning, but they’re still off their fucking rockers, abusing me.

Yes I’ve been smoking crack a couple of times a week.

But, bear in mind... 

1) I could be mutilating myself with needles

2) PARADOXICAL AFFECT!! My head works backwards

So stimulants CALM my head.

It goes quiet. 

It’s still.

PEACEFUL

but they still watch... and what’s worse. They make it fucking obvious.

Meaning, A 36 YEAR OLD WOMAN HAS NO PRIVACY!

None of my diary entities are private. Imagine your fucking mother, father and brother who hates you, knowing your inner most private through.

Every time you shit 

Every time you masterbate 

Every time you watch porn.

Every time you have sex.

Surely you can see how warped and fucked this is.

I’m 36 NOT 15.

So last night they made me so angry (again) I ended up trying to abuse my medication.

So... from now... I think I’ll be staying out. And if I’m staying out, I can’t just smoke crack. 

Remember I don’t abuse heroin. And smoking crack makes me still, quiet and calm.

I’m not harming anyone.

I sit here and chill.

I have a feeling a binge is coming on.

I have so much anger and hatred I need to release it somehow.

They could watch in fucking silence, if they HAVE to watch. And let me be happy.

They don’t want me happy.

They know their behaviour pushes me to use.

They are sick sick people.

Thanks for being a part of their sick plan.

I’m having to move over 300 miles away to escape them.

You may dislike drug users. But there’s millions of us.

How many sickos like my family can you count?

❤️ 04th January 2010 - Journal

Back at work.. BOOOO! Got £30 fine from fed as both my break lights were out.. BOOOO! Left at 3pm and linked JD.. BOOOO! But only for a £15

Feeling optimistic about changing my life.

Feeling weirdly sad about a disabled kitten I played with in Tenerife as a child. But at least he had me and the other children his life.

❤️ 11th May 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

At R**’s damn Facebook again. I had added application my Cutest Friends and my Sexiest Friends.

You go through your friends and vote out of all of your friends. It takes everyone’s vote into consideration. So I get to make one vote for each person for Sexy / Cute or not Secy / Cute.

So if 10 is Z**’s mate’s vote her sexy and 8 of P******’s and 7 of T*****’s, they’ll be rated 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

I only have one vote, so I can’t choose who I want.

R** sees T***** pic on the application on my profile and kicks off. 

Swears I gave him loads of votes and not voting for him (which I wasn’t). I must have rated T***** more, which is why he’s on my profile. I didn’t actually vote for him at all.

The moodiness over nothing continues, I remove all the applications off Facebook bar a couple of games.

Still I can’t change his mood.

I leave. He doesn’t come after me or call. I spend the night crying myself to sleep again. 

❤️ 08th January 2010 - Journal

Bumped into Smilie today (old coke dealer who fancied me, so would sell me a Q.. 7 grams for £180, when I was shotting). He’s looking well for. Could do with a fuck friend. It’s been almost a year.

Linked JD (crack and heroin dealer), but it’s been over a week since my last smoke.

Arranged my social life for the next two months. Time to start deleting numbers from my phone book. T*****, M****** and I** spring to mind.

(T***** was an old school friend who was adamantly against drugs, M***** was an old work colleague and I** an ex. It’s clear M****** is aware of my notoriety as I saw her at an event in 2016 and she was acting cold towards me)

❤️ Kate The Crack Head

COMPLETE FICTIONAL CHARACTER 

any similarities purely coincidental 

There was a mad crack head called Kate

Who robbed the £1 shop and did hate

A junkie who paid,

For her deviant ways,

Absuing and lied to her mate

Causing much destruction she tried

People started avoiding her lies

But she hung with the low

Where most junkies won’t go

And even pretended to die 

Her mate she laughs when she hears

Kate had been causing much geers

Coz she can’t fully pay

For her fix today 

And her mate, she smokes and cheers 

❤️ Dear Mum - 2015

This was in one of my books which was written in the event of my death. And this is a letter, I wrote to my mum... when I still had love for her, and hope this would be over.....

Dear Mum

Why mum? Why did you let them do this to me? When did your maternal instinct for me die? 

I will never experience that now. Being a mother. But I have a deep love for Orion and I would never do anything to hurt him. I’d kill anyone who did. That’s why I can’t understand this. 

I’m so sorry. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I’m such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m not worth saving. I’m gone now. You finally have your perfect family.

I did want to try to cope. I was going to try auditing as a danger. But I needed to self medicate to have the strength to do that. We both know that’s not happening. 

I always preferred it when it you was on duty. I wouldn’t be tormented so badly. Fat Cunt, Sir Cunt A Lot and Nice But Dim could be so cruel. 

I would hear you cry. I know you would be hearing me cry too. Why didn’t you come for me mum? I though that was what you were supposed to do.

I can’t take this anymore. I hurt so bad. And when. I do see you and dad, you’re like strangers to me. Why do you lie to me? Why do you hurt me?

Like dad you were perfect until 2015. Couldn’t have asked for a better mum. I’m really proud I can cook, bake, sew all thanks to you.

I’m not meant for this life though. I’m not normal.

I know you’re gonna watch me take the pills. I know you won’t do anything. Please don’t watch me die.

I miss how things used to be. But it’ll never be the same again. 

I miss the theatre, shopping and going out. But you have Nice But Dim so I know any void created by me, can be filled.

So, I’m sorry. I’m with nan P and nan S now. And all my pets.

And finally, I’ll have the truth.

I loved you mum.

I just can’t take this anymore.

J

❤️ 10th April 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

Today my heart has been destroyed. Today W***** dumped me. Life doesn’t feel like it’s worth living anymore. And to make matters worse, it’s over fucking Facebook.

I was playing an game called ‘Owned’. I was buying all my friends I could afford. I bought my ex T*****.

At 11.12am I get a text from R** saying ‘you clearly (want) T***** more than I thought. Even after that chat we had yesterday he is the first you buy (which he wasn’t). You might as well call him if you haven’t already. He will probably take you back. That’s clearly what you want. As for me, I’m fed up of hearing his name. I’m done’

I call him and at first he’s cold and emotionless. I’m crying and he doesn’t care. I can’t believe this is my loving, caring guy. He tells me it’s over, ignores my pleading, my cries, how much I’m hurting.

Eventually he hangs up and refuses to answer my calls.

I’m crying so much at work. L*** recons he’s just angry and will take it back and regret what he’s said and done.

However I’ve never seen him act like this before.

This is the real deal. He eventually switches off his phone to avoid my constant calls.

On Facebook he changes his relationship status to single.

I’m crying so much at work I get sent home.

At 1.59pm I finally get a text in reply to my pleas about how much I want R**, not T*****. How much I love him. The text reads ‘you’re not interested in him, but you write he’s your man’. That was in relation to the nick names you can give people you own. 

T*****’s girlfriend gave him that nickname  and unless I change it, it stays.

I try to explain but it’s pointless. I’m crying in bed. Ask M*** to bring some weed to smoke. W**** texts saying he wants his clothes that I washed for him.

I explain they’re drying and when they’re dry I’ll bring them to his mum’s or I****** (his work).

He calls me up angry saying he needs them now, he’s not got enough clothes at his mum’s.

I know this is complete crap. I tell him I really don’t want to see him. I’m hurting too much. I would arrange something over the weekend though.

Pissed he didn’t get the answer he wanted, he hangs up.

L*** arranges to come and see me after work, ‘we’ll get loaded’. She wants to keep me company. I tell her about the clothes, and say when she gets the bus, to get off the stop earlier by R**’s work.

I’ll give her the clothes, and she can give them to him if he wants them that badly. She’s cool with that.

I pack up the wet clothes into the carrier bag. I use Asda, coz R**’s a bit of a snob like me and they are the cheapest supermarket bags I could find.

Get a text at 3.24pm saying ‘sorry x’.

Anyway I do my make up, which I cried off, put on my blue Adidas tracksuit bottoms, a little jumper and white cropped fur collar jacket. I look hot. Even in a trackie. I get plenty of whistles and attention as I walk through Mitcham to meet L***.

No point driving in rush hour, such a short distance. I wait in the alley by I*******, L*** takes the clothes and comes back. She tells me she said ‘are you W****?’ And  ‘these are from J**. Sorry’ and laughed as she does.

As we’re walking away, L*** looks around and he’s standing outside the door calling me.  Not wanting to walk back I call him and ask what’s his problem.

Anyway ends up walking back. W*****’s suddenly got his emotions back. He’s got tears in his eyes (not that he would ever let one drop). He says what he said was in anger, he’s sorry, he’s been listening to our song all afternoon. Chris Brown’s With You. And looking through all my pictures on Facebook. He wants to talk. I tell him I was sent home from work crying, did that make him feel good?

I feel myself wanting to cry. Say that was why I didn’t want to see him today and we’d talk tomorrow and went.

Me and L*** get lots of wine. L*** was right about him regretting it and not really meaning it.

At 5.40pm he texts me saying ‘I used the clothes as an excuse to see you coz I know I was wrong. I don’t like upsetting you. Sorry x’

Knowing the ball was in my court I tell him how much I was hurt and he couldn’t just dump me when he’s angry.

At 5.51pm he replies saying ‘I know. You say things you don’t mean when you’re angry. I close off. Just another thing I have to fix. Sorry’

Have a wicked night with L***. Get really twisted. Get loads of texts from R**. Ask him to give me a break. We’ll chat tomorrow. Can’t believe, all that hurt for nothing.