❤️ Dear Mum - 2015

This was in one of my books which was written in the event of my death. And this is a letter, I wrote to my mum... when I still had love for her, and hope this would be over.....

Dear Mum

Why mum? Why did you let them do this to me? When did your maternal instinct for me die? 

I will never experience that now. Being a mother. But I have a deep love for Orion and I would never do anything to hurt him. I’d kill anyone who did. That’s why I can’t understand this. 

I’m so sorry. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I’m such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m not worth saving. I’m gone now. You finally have your perfect family.

I did want to try to cope. I was going to try auditing as a danger. But I needed to self medicate to have the strength to do that. We both know that’s not happening. 

I always preferred it when it you was on duty. I wouldn’t be tormented so badly. Fat Cunt, Sir Cunt A Lot and Nice But Dim could be so cruel. 

I would hear you cry. I know you would be hearing me cry too. Why didn’t you come for me mum? I though that was what you were supposed to do.

I can’t take this anymore. I hurt so bad. And when. I do see you and dad, you’re like strangers to me. Why do you lie to me? Why do you hurt me?

Like dad you were perfect until 2015. Couldn’t have asked for a better mum. I’m really proud I can cook, bake, sew all thanks to you.

I’m not meant for this life though. I’m not normal.

I know you’re gonna watch me take the pills. I know you won’t do anything. Please don’t watch me die.

I miss how things used to be. But it’ll never be the same again. 

I miss the theatre, shopping and going out. But you have Nice But Dim so I know any void created by me, can be filled.

So, I’m sorry. I’m with nan P and nan S now. And all my pets.

And finally, I’ll have the truth.

I loved you mum.

I just can’t take this anymore.

J