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Tuesday 21 November 2017

❤️ 14th January 2010 - Journal

Run out of money again! Borrowed £100 off S****.


Straight up, got a smoke for me and N****. Pretty bad but I couldn’t resist.


Only 4 light (crack) and a £15 (heroin).


Went to mum’s did her birthday dinner. Why do I love kuba so much? (Crack).


Ended up doing a couple of blazes in the bathroom of my rents house.

Monday 20 November 2017

❤️ 24th March 2010 - Journal

Dear God, spirit guide, angels and the rest of the other side.


Please help me, I’m really hoping P**** isn’t my 30 year old who I marry and have kids with (I was told this in a tarot reading)


You know I long for someone like me. Crib, job, whip and no kids.


Yet you give me someone with two kids and another two on the way. Now job, no whip, still lives at home with mummy.


I will never be M**. Even if he did fall for me, he would never love me like he does her.


After R** I promised myself I wasn’t going to settle for second best again.


I’d rather live a lonely miserable existence opposed to being second best again.


I need someone who is going to be my number one and me his.


The only way that can happen is if he’s childless. The only time I won’t be his number one is when WE have OUR first baby together.


P**** has proven he was just using me.


He got what he wanted and as the month has progressed he’s shown his true colours.


I totally understand his child and baby mum will always come before any mates.

Shit even if we did get together and have kids, I know M** and H***** would come before me and my baby.


But he knows I’m scared I have no one else

Friday 17 November 2017

❤️ 13th March 2018 - I’m Working Hardly Using, They’re Still Abusing

I just wanted to add this. I don’t normally publish in the morning, but they’re still off their fucking rockers, abusing me.

Yes I’ve been smoking crack a couple of times a week.

But, bear in mind... 

1) I could be mutilating myself with needles

2) PARADOXICAL AFFECT!! My head works backwards

So stimulants CALM my head.

It goes quiet. 

It’s still.

PEACEFUL

but they still watch... and what’s worse. They make it fucking obvious.

Meaning, A 36 YEAR OLD WOMAN HAS NO PRIVACY!

None of my diary entities are private. Imagine your fucking mother, father and brother who hates you, knowing your inner most private through.

Every time you shit 

Every time you masterbate 

Every time you watch porn.

Every time you have sex.

Surely you can see how warped and fucked this is.

I’m 36 NOT 15.

So last night they made me so angry (again) I ended up trying to abuse my medication.

So... from now... I think I’ll be staying out. And if I’m staying out, I can’t just smoke crack. 

Remember I don’t abuse heroin. And smoking crack makes me still, quiet and calm.

I’m not harming anyone.

I sit here and chill.

I have a feeling a binge is coming on.

I have so much anger and hatred I need to release it somehow.

They could watch in fucking silence, if they HAVE to watch. And let me be happy.

They don’t want me happy.

They know their behaviour pushes me to use.

They are sick sick people.

Thanks for being a part of their sick plan.

I’m having to move over 300 miles away to escape them.

You may dislike drug users. But there’s millions of us.

How many sickos like my family can you count?

Sunday 12 November 2017

❤️ 04th January 2010 - Journal

Back at work.. BOOOO! Got £30 fine from fed as both my break lights were out.. BOOOO! Left at 3pm and linked JD.. BOOOO! But only for a £15

Feeling optimistic about changing my life.

Feeling weirdly sad about a disabled kitten I played with in Tenerife as a child. But at least he had me and the other children his life.

Thursday 9 November 2017

❤️ 11th May 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

At R**’s damn Facebook again. I had added application my Cutest Friends and my Sexiest Friends.

You go through your friends and vote out of all of your friends. It takes everyone’s vote into consideration. So I get to make one vote for each person for Sexy / Cute or not Secy / Cute.

So if 10 is Z**’s mate’s vote her sexy and 8 of P******’s and 7 of T*****’s, they’ll be rated 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

I only have one vote, so I can’t choose who I want.

R** sees T***** pic on the application on my profile and kicks off. 

Swears I gave him loads of votes and not voting for him (which I wasn’t). I must have rated T***** more, which is why he’s on my profile. I didn’t actually vote for him at all.

The moodiness over nothing continues, I remove all the applications off Facebook bar a couple of games.

Still I can’t change his mood.

I leave. He doesn’t come after me or call. I spend the night crying myself to sleep again. 

Friday 3 November 2017

❤️ 08th January 2010 - Journal

Bumped into Smilie today (old coke dealer who fancied me, so would sell me a Q.. 7 grams for £180, when I was shotting). He’s looking well for. Could do with a fuck friend. It’s been almost a year.

Linked JD (crack and heroin dealer), but it’s been over a week since my last smoke.

Arranged my social life for the next two months. Time to start deleting numbers from my phone book. T*****, M****** and I** spring to mind.

(T***** was an old school friend who was adamantly against drugs, M***** was an old work colleague and I** an ex. It’s clear M****** is aware of my notoriety as I saw her at an event in 2016 and she was acting cold towards me)

Wednesday 1 November 2017

❤️ Kate The Crack Head

COMPLETE FICTIONAL CHARACTER 

any similarities purely coincidental 

There was a mad crack head called Kate
Who robbed the £1 shop and did hate
A junkie who paid,
For her deviant ways,
Absuing and lied to her mate

Causing much destruction she tried
People started avoiding her lies
But she hung with the low
Where most junkies won’t go
And even pretended to die 

Her mate she laughs when she hears
Kate had been causing much geers
Coz she can’t fully pay
For her fix today 
And her mate, she smokes and cheers 


Tuesday 31 October 2017

❤️ Dear Mum - 2015

This was in one of my books which was written in the event of my death. And this is a letter, I wrote to my mum... when I still had love for her, and hope this would be over.....

Dear Mum

Why mum? Why did you let them do this to me? When did your maternal instinct for me die? 

I will never experience that now. Being a mother. But I have a deep love for Orion and I would never do anything to hurt him. I’d kill anyone who did. That’s why I can’t understand this. 

I’m so sorry. Sorry I let you down. Sorry I’m such a disappointment. I’m sorry I’m not worth saving. I’m gone now. You finally have your perfect family.

I did want to try to cope. I was going to try auditing as a danger. But I needed to self medicate to have the strength to do that. We both know that’s not happening. 

I always preferred it when it you was on duty. I wouldn’t be tormented so badly. Fat Cunt, Sir Cunt A Lot and Nice But Dim could be so cruel. 

I would hear you cry. I know you would be hearing me cry too. Why didn’t you come for me mum? I though that was what you were supposed to do.

I can’t take this anymore. I hurt so bad. And when. I do see you and dad, you’re like strangers to me. Why do you lie to me? Why do you hurt me?

Like dad you were perfect until 2015. Couldn’t have asked for a better mum. I’m really proud I can cook, bake, sew all thanks to you.

I’m not meant for this life though. I’m not normal.

I know you’re gonna watch me take the pills. I know you won’t do anything. Please don’t watch me die.

I miss how things used to be. But it’ll never be the same again. 

I miss the theatre, shopping and going out. But you have Nice But Dim so I know any void created by me, can be filled.

So, I’m sorry. I’m with nan P and nan S now. And all my pets.

And finally, I’ll have the truth.

I loved you mum.

I just can’t take this anymore.

J

Wednesday 25 October 2017

❤️ 10th April 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

Today my heart has been destroyed. Today W***** dumped me. Life doesn’t feel like it’s worth living anymore. And to make matters worse, it’s over fucking Facebook.

I was playing an game called ‘Owned’. I was buying all my friends I could afford. I bought my ex T*****.

At 11.12am I get a text from R** saying ‘you clearly (want) T***** more than I thought. Even after that chat we had yesterday he is the first you buy (which he wasn’t). You might as well call him if you haven’t already. He will probably take you back. That’s clearly what you want. As for me, I’m fed up of hearing his name. I’m done’

I call him and at first he’s cold and emotionless. I’m crying and he doesn’t care. I can’t believe this is my loving, caring guy. He tells me it’s over, ignores my pleading, my cries, how much I’m hurting.

Eventually he hangs up and refuses to answer my calls.

I’m crying so much at work. L*** recons he’s just angry and will take it back and regret what he’s said and done.

However I’ve never seen him act like this before.

This is the real deal. He eventually switches off his phone to avoid my constant calls.

On Facebook he changes his relationship status to single.

I’m crying so much at work I get sent home.

At 1.59pm I finally get a text in reply to my pleas about how much I want R**, not T*****. How much I love him. The text reads ‘you’re not interested in him, but you write he’s your man’. That was in relation to the nick names you can give people you own. 

T*****’s girlfriend gave him that nickname  and unless I change it, it stays.

I try to explain but it’s pointless. I’m crying in bed. Ask M*** to bring some weed to smoke. W**** texts saying he wants his clothes that I washed for him.

I explain they’re drying and when they’re dry I’ll bring them to his mum’s or I****** (his work).

He calls me up angry saying he needs them now, he’s not got enough clothes at his mum’s.

I know this is complete crap. I tell him I really don’t want to see him. I’m hurting too much. I would arrange something over the weekend though.

Pissed he didn’t get the answer he wanted, he hangs up.

L*** arranges to come and see me after work, ‘we’ll get loaded’. She wants to keep me company. I tell her about the clothes, and say when she gets the bus, to get off the stop earlier by R**’s work.

I’ll give her the clothes, and she can give them to him if he wants them that badly. She’s cool with that.

I pack up the wet clothes into the carrier bag. I use Asda, coz R**’s a bit of a snob like me and they are the cheapest supermarket bags I could find.

Get a text at 3.24pm saying ‘sorry x’.

Anyway I do my make up, which I cried off, put on my blue Adidas tracksuit bottoms, a little jumper and white cropped fur collar jacket. I look hot. Even in a trackie. I get plenty of whistles and attention as I walk through Mitcham to meet L***.

No point driving in rush hour, such a short distance. I wait in the alley by I*******, L*** takes the clothes and comes back. She tells me she said ‘are you W****?’ And  ‘these are from J**. Sorry’ and laughed as she does.

As we’re walking away, L*** looks around and he’s standing outside the door calling me.  Not wanting to walk back I call him and ask what’s his problem.

Anyway ends up walking back. W*****’s suddenly got his emotions back. He’s got tears in his eyes (not that he would ever let one drop). He says what he said was in anger, he’s sorry, he’s been listening to our song all afternoon. Chris Brown’s With You. And looking through all my pictures on Facebook. He wants to talk. I tell him I was sent home from work crying, did that make him feel good?

I feel myself wanting to cry. Say that was why I didn’t want to see him today and we’d talk tomorrow and went.

Me and L*** get lots of wine. L*** was right about him regretting it and not really meaning it.

At 5.40pm he texts me saying ‘I used the clothes as an excuse to see you coz I know I was wrong. I don’t like upsetting you. Sorry x’

Knowing the ball was in my court I tell him how much I was hurt and he couldn’t just dump me when he’s angry.

At 5.51pm he replies saying ‘I know. You say things you don’t mean when you’re angry. I close off. Just another thing I have to fix. Sorry’

Have a wicked night with L***. Get really twisted. Get loads of texts from R**. Ask him to give me a break. We’ll chat tomorrow. Can’t believe, all that hurt for nothing.

Tuesday 24 October 2017

❤️ What They Did

This is another list of the sick things my parents did. This is what they believe it suitable behaviour to bestow upon their child who came begging for their help. They are well aware of my ADHD disability and the subsequent mental health issues I am faced with due to this. All of their actions actually do fuck all to help me remain abstinent. They just increase my ADHD symptoms, my OCD symptoms, the internal battle I face daily with self hate, anxiety and depression. And to cope with these feelings, naturally I rely on self medicating.

They have done NOTHING positive which will help me achieve sobriety and everything negative which pushes me to use.

* CCTV in both my own house and theirs. In every room. At first it was old school, where they would watch the recordings after I had gone to bed. Then they progress to live streaming.

* Then they added little speakers. I actually saw them feeding one under my floor boards once, from my neighbour’s house. It was white. They did this, so I could hear them react to my actions. They would also read out loud any text I wrote on my phone. In an attempt to make their daughter, who already has severe mental health problems believe she was crazy. Seeing as I already self medicated my mental health problems with drugs, by doing this, naturally, they increased my drug use.

* ‘psychosis’ naturally was only present, when they weren’t. For example, when they were ‘out’ or ‘in bed’. I never had ‘psychosis’ in their presence 

* which leads to my next point, although I was still banging up speed in copious amounts whilst Sectioned as I smuggled both my works and plenty of drugs in there, again I had no episodes of psychosis. I naturally used the payphone opposed to my hacked phone to place orders for drugs and stayed away from my bedroom as I stupidly let them know which room I was using, so when I was in there, they’d spend their time camped outside so they could throw stones at my window. Quite pathetic, but I get great pleasure knowing that old witch who gave birth to me suffered a heart attack and was alone due to this

* stole my post, opened the packages containing my legal highs, contaminated them and then re-sealed the items. They allowed me to inject substances which rotted my flesh. There’s photos of this on my blog. Pure evil.

* the constant surveillance I’m both the home I had purchased and their home, resulted in me using dangerous amounts of drugs outside of these properties. I would attempt to use as much as possible before I returned to either property. This resulted in numerous near overdoses and one almost fatal overdose, resulting in two ambulance call outs, costing the NHS

* changed all my lightbulbs to types which had cameras inside. Again there’s photographic evidence of this on my blog.

* told lie to the Sun to evoke as much public hatred for me as possible. And recently they use social media to do this. 

* had me Sectioned, well aware the reasons where far from imaginary. During my section, when the witch had the heart attack, I clearly saw Sir Cunt A Lot and Nice But Dim sheepishly return to their vehicles and leave.

* fuck up the reflection on window... yeah sounds mad. But I’ve seen the reflection of people with ‘scary faces’ only to see said people lying in someone’s back garden two doors away. Twice in my house I’ve had the same on my bedroom window. The second time I laughed as the people ran one by one, to whatever was causing this reflection and said allowed ‘oh! They’re doing this again’ and the chubby faced, Middle aged woman, who seriously needed to do her roots, stopped running and said ‘oh! She knows what we’re doing’ smiled, and walked sheepishly away... really killing the ‘Scream-esq’ effect they were trying to portray. More recently, whilst my cat was sat next to me on the arm of the sofa... around about over dose time September 2017, I saw my dad and Fat Cunt reflected, pulling nasty faces at me and laughing, as the reflection of the cat who was sat next to me walked by. Yeah... nasty pieces of shit right? 

* caused me to suffer from a great deal of paranoia. Something which still effects me today and will do for the rest of my life.

* Hacked my expensive iPhones and iPads. This enabled people to stalk me and naturally terrified the crap out of me at first. This resulted in me dumping a brand new iPad through sheer fear. I had strangers with big dogs circling me. I nearly weighed 8 stone, so clearly unable to defend myself. 

* this one is incredibly strange, but they altered my clothes, therefore ruining most of them. I actually am wearing a pair of jeans today which the witch altered. She removed the normal studs from down the side of the jeans and replace them with glass type studs. Of course I was super paranoid, so thought these may have been hidden cameras. Fuck, they could have been hidden cameras. Other favourites where taking all my shoes and making one of them too small for me. Making walking incredibly painful. Or adding god knows what to my jumper sleeves so they constantly scratched me.

* Heard the witch’s next door neighbour, who must assume drug abuse equates to loss of hearing, tell her builders, loud and clear, while I was 20 feet away from her ‘that’s the girl from the Sun’. Oh, and I’ve had a homeless person and crack head in Brixton confirm this. And then there was the Asian guy on the bus who spilt the beans upon my disclosure of the truth. Oh and some other girl tell her Boyfriend I was the girl from the Sun doing cocaine. I was quick to correct her it was crack... and there’s countless more examples providing
Evidence of this. Recently I take pleasure in pulling out my brand new £1,500 phone, to hear people exclaim I have a new phone. This is especially great after they insult me on their crappy iPhone 5’s.

* had new keys cut, after I was fed up and frankly super insecure over the security of THE HOUSE I HAVE BOUGHT, got new keys cut. When I returned to my house, after spending exactly the last of the cash I had in my bank account, another set of keys had appeared and my house was unlocked.
Recently, after my security camera caught Fat Cunt entering my property illegally, I paid yet again to have the locks changed. Unfortunately this was when N was here... and I have no doubt he’s playing their stupid game. Most likely being blackmailed due to his choice of shall we say... self employment. So even now, I am finding evidence my property is being entered without my permission.

* the also took full advantage of my OCD, which has gone crazy since moving into this house and the explosion of mould, mould mites and dust mites. They took pleasure in driving me crazy. So I’d clean the witch’s kitchen floor, and some fucked up contraption, clearly hidden under the kitchen kick boards, would blow dirt back out again, meaning I was never able to keep it clean. I actually cared for the witch then, and thought this was especially cruel, not only to me, but to the witch too, as she had cancer. So I gave up in the end. Let the witch clean it. I tried to help the cancer riddled Bitch, they continued to fuck it up. So Fuck it.

* stalked me, and enrolled the public (by the lies told on social media and in the Sun). I actually have named and shamed the recent fuckers doing this. Yeah, this will reduce my anxiety won’t it.. 

So here’s just a few of the nasty actions they have undertook.

And remember the lies they have told you? They want me to stop drugs right? Yet every single evil action listed above does nothing but increase my ADHD and mental health problems, which in turn, increases my drug use.

This has nothing to do about helping me get clean and everything to push me to suicide.