Current weight 8.13 / 125lbs
Pigged our for the past week but good today. Ate little and walked. Lost 3lbs in 24 hours. Yay! Gotta get back on track
Monday 23 July 2018
2011 - Thanks To God
Dear God
Thank you so much for my fur babies. I can’t believe neither were wanted. Tsega is my soul mate, and Orion, well I dread to think what would have happened to him if not for me. I love how cheeky and naughty he’s become as his confidence has grown. I only wish for a garden for them. They’ve brought me back from darkness. Thank you.
Jay x x
July 2011 - Journal
Since coming back from holiday I’m slim. Was 8.8lbs and lost 2 more. I generally vary between 8.6lbs and 8.11lbs. I seem to eat a lot one day and hardly anything the next (one day smoking weed and munchies, the next smoking crack and heroin and not eating).
My BMR is 1,800 - 1,300. I know though if I eat 1,890 or less I’ll lose weight.
A pound is supposed to be 3,500 calories, so I’m weird.
I can be 8.6lbs in the morning and 8.12lbs in the evening. Next morning I’m 8.9lbs, same in the evening. Next day 8.7lbs and 8.8lbs. Then back to 8.6lbs.
My lowest was 8.5lbs.
I love being skinny again. Getting into a bad cycle though. Go out for dinner, gain weight, next day salad, energy drinks and smoke. Lose weight. Starving. Binge. Gain. Restrict. Smoke.
I have been exercising more on the Wii and doing sit-ups. I’ll wait for my tummy muscles to recover before the next batch.
50 first. Then 52. Then 53. I like the lines on my tummy, spine, hips, shoulder and collar bone slightly protruding.
I like my Bambi legs.
I want to get down to 8 stone. 112lbs. I would love to be 99lbs / 7.2lbs, but I’d be too skinny. I am watching calories
03rd March 2017 - Journal
Weight 10 stone
When I get to 9.7lbs I can spend £100 in Pandora. No more full fat drinks.
Wednesday 27 June 2018
Unknown Note
If you’re gonna make my life miserable and push me to do
something stupid, at least read my blog.
I’ve cried and begged them to stop and support me.
I fight to stay clean, but even when I am clean they still abuse and traumatise me.
When your own family do that, it’s not hard to see why I do what I do. At least I get a brief respite from the pain they cause
❤️ 23rd May 2015 - Journal
I really loved my parents. They were my heroes. They, even as an adult, spoilt me rotten, cared for me when I was sick, pet sitted if I went on holiday or when I was ill.
It scares me they'll die without telling me the truth. I'll always hate them if they do.
Right now I'd feel nothing if they died.
Like an over optimistic puppy, I still hope they will be honest. I have a feeling I'll be let down. Again.
Oh well here's to being the least favourite child.
Tuesday 26 June 2018
26th June 2018 - Journal
Ok... I'm keeping this post a draft.
I kinda like someone. One of my candidates from my last job. Actually he was my favourite candidate. So, bar when I was off work sick, and when he was on the two week IT course, from October until April I saw the dude at least 1-2 a week.
He was actually a bit of a pain at times.. Not in a bad way I guess, but he was a bit needy and I think he's got mild autism, coz little things which 'could' wait, had to be dealt with immediately.
Also, even now he's not big on eye contact... Or any contact. Like, he'd tolerate a hug, but unlike damn nearly every other guy I've hugged, I'd be lucky to get a couple of taps on my back.
He was like the ONLY male candidate who didn't fucking flirt with me.
And he's kinda innocent.
And, whilst he's crap with paper work and keeping his finances in order, he's really fucking intelligent when it comes to DIY, bloke type things. Like really damn good at it. But because he's dsylexic and crap at paper stuff and computers, he really has no idea just how intelligent he is.
And.... He's got that Trevor McDonald thing going on!!!!!!!! In fact, he makes Trevor McDonald's eyes look crap in comparrison.
Yeah, proper blue eyes and proper black (not mixed race) skin.
So, he came and helped me fix my bathroom floor. I say helped me. I mean he did it. And I've only ever seen him really cold weather.. And he'd be riding his bike, with 10 million layers and carrying about x 4 the amount of shit I haul around. So seeing him in the nice weather was a change. And I swear he's lost weight....
Anyway, as you call probably guess, from the way I have lost the ability to write eloquently, I'm having a bit of a school girl crush on him.
So, I haven't heard much from him since he left mine Saturday. Naturally my ADHD brain is freaking he hates me.... And, I was a bit of a twat self harming on Friday, so he was witness to fresh cut marks on my arms and burns on my legs.... And I left a rather anorexic note up on my fridge talking about getting a high from starving as I couldn't have drugs.
And.. I got wasted Friday, so when he arrived I was in my underwear asleep... House was a mess... Not good.
But he left his charging port. So I have contacted him about returning it. And yesterday, as I struggle to make phone calls anyway, so making one and it not being answered is even worse, I emailed him. And said I kinda liked him. And he's replied but I haven't got the courage to read it. I will in a bit.
Ok read it... He didn't tell me to fuck off which was a start. Didn't say anything though other than I have to call him. And I hate making fucking calls.
He did end it with an x though.
Shit I feel like I'm at school again!
I kinda like someone. One of my candidates from my last job. Actually he was my favourite candidate. So, bar when I was off work sick, and when he was on the two week IT course, from October until April I saw the dude at least 1-2 a week.
He was actually a bit of a pain at times.. Not in a bad way I guess, but he was a bit needy and I think he's got mild autism, coz little things which 'could' wait, had to be dealt with immediately.
Also, even now he's not big on eye contact... Or any contact. Like, he'd tolerate a hug, but unlike damn nearly every other guy I've hugged, I'd be lucky to get a couple of taps on my back.
He was like the ONLY male candidate who didn't fucking flirt with me.
And he's kinda innocent.
And, whilst he's crap with paper work and keeping his finances in order, he's really fucking intelligent when it comes to DIY, bloke type things. Like really damn good at it. But because he's dsylexic and crap at paper stuff and computers, he really has no idea just how intelligent he is.
And.... He's got that Trevor McDonald thing going on!!!!!!!! In fact, he makes Trevor McDonald's eyes look crap in comparrison.
Yeah, proper blue eyes and proper black (not mixed race) skin.
So, he came and helped me fix my bathroom floor. I say helped me. I mean he did it. And I've only ever seen him really cold weather.. And he'd be riding his bike, with 10 million layers and carrying about x 4 the amount of shit I haul around. So seeing him in the nice weather was a change. And I swear he's lost weight....
Anyway, as you call probably guess, from the way I have lost the ability to write eloquently, I'm having a bit of a school girl crush on him.
So, I haven't heard much from him since he left mine Saturday. Naturally my ADHD brain is freaking he hates me.... And, I was a bit of a twat self harming on Friday, so he was witness to fresh cut marks on my arms and burns on my legs.... And I left a rather anorexic note up on my fridge talking about getting a high from starving as I couldn't have drugs.
And.. I got wasted Friday, so when he arrived I was in my underwear asleep... House was a mess... Not good.
But he left his charging port. So I have contacted him about returning it. And yesterday, as I struggle to make phone calls anyway, so making one and it not being answered is even worse, I emailed him. And said I kinda liked him. And he's replied but I haven't got the courage to read it. I will in a bit.
Ok read it... He didn't tell me to fuck off which was a start. Didn't say anything though other than I have to call him. And I hate making fucking calls.
He did end it with an x though.
Shit I feel like I'm at school again!
Monday 25 June 2018
❤️ 09th April 2015 - Journal
Well yet again I neglected to sleep. It's preferable over sleeping, mainly due to the fact my speed gets stolen or my pins suddenly appear to have holes in them. This prevents me from being able to flag my shots. Flagging is when you pull the plunger back upon piercing the skin and when you enter a vein, deep red blood, erupts into the syringe, signalling that it's ok to push the plunger down.
When they have been damaged, as they are not air tight, you cannot flag properly. Therefore you are liable to miss your shots.
Hence the explanation for the two deep wounds on my legs.
However the huge patches of rotting flesh are not just the result of a missed shot. I've missed loads of shots before. The rotting flesh was due to my speed being contaminated with only God knows what.
Clearly they did no research into what they decided to cut my gear with. It rotted my flesh, causing deep holes, black and vile smelling. I've named the scars Mum and Dad. My hatred for them will last as long as these two scars deface my skin. That's forever by the way. The following day after sleeping, the concoction of speed I had in my possession has changed again and no longer had this horrible substance mixed with it.
So another restless night of torment and torture. So I took as much pleasure I could in ensuring they had no sleep before one of them went to work, whilst whoever was on psychosis by mum and dad duty was next door in the bedroom adjacent to mine.
Although I was using my anxiety began to increase as 3pm approached. I decided to leave around midday, as psychosis by mum and dad was certainly less severe when I was outside.
The level of torture and the frequency of torment declined either outside of their or my house.
Sunday 24 June 2018
August 2010 - Journal
What is wrong with me? Mum and dad have just got back from a lovely, family holiday. Mum, dad, their daughter inlaw (the daughter they always wanted), their golden son, plus all their inlaws. No one from Nice But Dim's family was excluded. What a perfect family occasion with no one special missing.
Yes that's correct, I didn't even get an invite. Thanks guys. In fact, they kept it very quiet until they were back. I can only come to the conclusion, they didn't want me to ask if I could come.
No wonder dad is throwing guilt money at me again. I just wish they would realise that I'd give everything, the flat, the car, everything, just to be treated as Fat Cunt's equal. Not even the favourite. Just equal.
It's a nasty thought, but sometimes I wish Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim would split up. Even nastier, I hope I have my own family when it happens.
Should it happen, I won't let my parents come running to me to fill the void. Mum has two baskets, yet the majority of her eggs are in one. When the favourite breaks, she'll realise the lost the spare ages ago.
I long for my own family. My own children. I long for my own lovely inlaws. Someone who'll welcome me, as my parents do for Nice but Dim.
My mother already tells me that no pets are allowed on Christmas day only to welcome the Fat Cunt's dog Archie all day. She told me the same for Mother's day and I can bet £100 that mean's Fat Cunt is bringing Archie. If I say anything I get told the cats are over all the time. Why not be truthful and just say the Fat Cunt is bringing Archie, and I'd rather have the dog over than the cats.
She's also placed LOADS of pictures of the Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim and the inlaws, up in the house. When I have a family, I'll put up more pictures of my inlaws than them! See how they like it when the tables are turned.
Plus what makes things worse for me, is my brother's hatred for me. As he's the golden boy, my parents can never find fault and turn any negativity towards me.
Before he starting seeing Nice But Dim, we were cool. After a night out, if we returned at similar times he would knock on my door on the scrounge 'Got a line of Charlie?' or 'Can I pinch a tiny bit of green?'.
I'd end up pulling out my bed settee whilst he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his room. We'd finish the last couple of lines, necking the whiskey, whilst smoking copious amounts of my weed dusted with a tiny bit of his hash.
He was skinny, but would moan about his flabby chest... It was cool, it was nice, it was lovely.
Then Nice But Dim came on the seen. The final night of our friendship and the start of our hatred soon followed.
Nice But Dim was away and we had both been out. The knock came and again he came to join me. The two large final lines of cocaine were consumed, one each. He then proceeded to tell me he had cheated on Nice But Dim. 'When the cat's away the mice will play!' were his chosen words.
Clearly in a vindictive mood he decided to give me his opinion of my partner
'You're a dirty fucking nigga lover'
'You make me sick'
'You're lowest of the low'
'You sleep with dirty niggas and your children will be dirty fucking half breeds'
I asked him to leave my room, crying. He obliged. Half way through his Nazi speech the tears had started to fall, I questioned that his nieces and nephews would be mixed race, wouldn't he love them? He answered, with a smile on his face, a straight no. You would think he was discussing what he watched on TV earlier that day.
We have never been close since. Yes, Ok, he revels on receiving permission to knock out the dirty niggas fucking his sister when she finds out they were cheating on her, but that's where the love ends.
It makes me sad that the love has gone. I miss my brother. He can be a bully, turning the TV over when I'm watching something or talking loudly so I can't hear the TV. Even deciding to play with Archie and make him bark... anything to piss me off. Mum tells him off, but he just flashes a smile and all is forgotten.
I used to stand up for myself, but he would use his large body, loud voice and large stature to bully me into submission. We could never have an intelligent disagreement, he would start shouting and telling me to shut up.
Even though I'm honest to my parents regarding this, it's brushed off. Even the racism.
I recon he must have met a hard core BMP member or UKIP member. The Fat Cunt has been slightly racist since he was 13 and a black kid stole his boke.
A few ecstasy tablets, a few pints plus a neo-Nazi was easily enough to influence my brother.
I no longer argue. I'm quiet and meek. Unlike him, I attempt positive conversation. The Fat Cunt ignored my boyfriend for 2 years. When it was mentioned to my mother, she only snapped back that I had ignored Nice But Dim Once. What the fuck? If I had, it most probably was because I was pissed off and not intended to piss of Nice But Dim. See that big yellow thing in the sky? That's what the world revolves around, not you.
Yes I don't really like her. A) She speaks crap and B) No one likes my boyfriends so why should I bother? After the shit I had over my boyfriends, I anticipated the Fat Cunt would suffer the same abuse. I had hoped the grievance may strengthen our growing friendship.
But no. Nice But Dim, was perfect. Slim, clear skin, very pale with rosy cheeks. Black hair. Very Snow White. She's sweet, non offensive... But she does chat shit.
When I think of the shit I got at 17 when I asked if my 22 year old boyfriend could sleep downstairs on the sofa. At 18, Fat Cunt's 16 year old girlfriend moved in. And was welcomed.
So it does hurt Mum and Dad. Like a knife in my heart. But I pass trying to make you understand. You only moan that I'm too sensitive or jealous of the Fat Cunt. Or maybe I should try bringing you home a white guy hey Dad? Stop bringing lazy niggas?
Your cruel words and uncaring sentiments have dulled my emotions. I should be an actor. How many others can smile when their hearts cry?
It makes me feel worthless, at the weekends when they make a spontaneous visit. If it's cold the cats are locked in the kitchen. The door almost catching me as it's slammed shut. Both parents will leave me, regardless of whether I arrived 5 minutes earlier. When it's warmer, the dog gets the garden and the cats are shut out again alone with me
But I know nothing will change. In moments of anger I pray for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to split. Wanting my brother back. Wanting my parents admiration back.
So now I endeavour to be positive. I'm happy he's with her. They make each other happy. I'm still sad they take precedence over me, but dream that will be me one day. I will meet the rich guy. He will be the one. I will never want for anything. Every wish will be met.
We will have babies and travel. I won't have to work. He will like cats. So in the grand scheme of things. what you think doesn't really matter. I know that I'll certainly be fine.
(UPDATE 2018 - PUKE!... I had actually written an in-depth paragraph on exactly how this dream bloke was going to look as well!! Screw disclosing that. And I couldn't care about money now.)
Yes that's correct, I didn't even get an invite. Thanks guys. In fact, they kept it very quiet until they were back. I can only come to the conclusion, they didn't want me to ask if I could come.
No wonder dad is throwing guilt money at me again. I just wish they would realise that I'd give everything, the flat, the car, everything, just to be treated as Fat Cunt's equal. Not even the favourite. Just equal.
It's a nasty thought, but sometimes I wish Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim would split up. Even nastier, I hope I have my own family when it happens.
Should it happen, I won't let my parents come running to me to fill the void. Mum has two baskets, yet the majority of her eggs are in one. When the favourite breaks, she'll realise the lost the spare ages ago.
I long for my own family. My own children. I long for my own lovely inlaws. Someone who'll welcome me, as my parents do for Nice but Dim.
My mother already tells me that no pets are allowed on Christmas day only to welcome the Fat Cunt's dog Archie all day. She told me the same for Mother's day and I can bet £100 that mean's Fat Cunt is bringing Archie. If I say anything I get told the cats are over all the time. Why not be truthful and just say the Fat Cunt is bringing Archie, and I'd rather have the dog over than the cats.
She's also placed LOADS of pictures of the Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim and the inlaws, up in the house. When I have a family, I'll put up more pictures of my inlaws than them! See how they like it when the tables are turned.
Plus what makes things worse for me, is my brother's hatred for me. As he's the golden boy, my parents can never find fault and turn any negativity towards me.
Before he starting seeing Nice But Dim, we were cool. After a night out, if we returned at similar times he would knock on my door on the scrounge 'Got a line of Charlie?' or 'Can I pinch a tiny bit of green?'.
I'd end up pulling out my bed settee whilst he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his room. We'd finish the last couple of lines, necking the whiskey, whilst smoking copious amounts of my weed dusted with a tiny bit of his hash.
He was skinny, but would moan about his flabby chest... It was cool, it was nice, it was lovely.
Then Nice But Dim came on the seen. The final night of our friendship and the start of our hatred soon followed.
Nice But Dim was away and we had both been out. The knock came and again he came to join me. The two large final lines of cocaine were consumed, one each. He then proceeded to tell me he had cheated on Nice But Dim. 'When the cat's away the mice will play!' were his chosen words.
Clearly in a vindictive mood he decided to give me his opinion of my partner
'You're a dirty fucking nigga lover'
'You make me sick'
'You're lowest of the low'
'You sleep with dirty niggas and your children will be dirty fucking half breeds'
I asked him to leave my room, crying. He obliged. Half way through his Nazi speech the tears had started to fall, I questioned that his nieces and nephews would be mixed race, wouldn't he love them? He answered, with a smile on his face, a straight no. You would think he was discussing what he watched on TV earlier that day.
We have never been close since. Yes, Ok, he revels on receiving permission to knock out the dirty niggas fucking his sister when she finds out they were cheating on her, but that's where the love ends.
It makes me sad that the love has gone. I miss my brother. He can be a bully, turning the TV over when I'm watching something or talking loudly so I can't hear the TV. Even deciding to play with Archie and make him bark... anything to piss me off. Mum tells him off, but he just flashes a smile and all is forgotten.
I used to stand up for myself, but he would use his large body, loud voice and large stature to bully me into submission. We could never have an intelligent disagreement, he would start shouting and telling me to shut up.
Even though I'm honest to my parents regarding this, it's brushed off. Even the racism.
I recon he must have met a hard core BMP member or UKIP member. The Fat Cunt has been slightly racist since he was 13 and a black kid stole his boke.
A few ecstasy tablets, a few pints plus a neo-Nazi was easily enough to influence my brother.
I no longer argue. I'm quiet and meek. Unlike him, I attempt positive conversation. The Fat Cunt ignored my boyfriend for 2 years. When it was mentioned to my mother, she only snapped back that I had ignored Nice But Dim Once. What the fuck? If I had, it most probably was because I was pissed off and not intended to piss of Nice But Dim. See that big yellow thing in the sky? That's what the world revolves around, not you.
Yes I don't really like her. A) She speaks crap and B) No one likes my boyfriends so why should I bother? After the shit I had over my boyfriends, I anticipated the Fat Cunt would suffer the same abuse. I had hoped the grievance may strengthen our growing friendship.
But no. Nice But Dim, was perfect. Slim, clear skin, very pale with rosy cheeks. Black hair. Very Snow White. She's sweet, non offensive... But she does chat shit.
When I think of the shit I got at 17 when I asked if my 22 year old boyfriend could sleep downstairs on the sofa. At 18, Fat Cunt's 16 year old girlfriend moved in. And was welcomed.
So it does hurt Mum and Dad. Like a knife in my heart. But I pass trying to make you understand. You only moan that I'm too sensitive or jealous of the Fat Cunt. Or maybe I should try bringing you home a white guy hey Dad? Stop bringing lazy niggas?
Your cruel words and uncaring sentiments have dulled my emotions. I should be an actor. How many others can smile when their hearts cry?
It makes me feel worthless, at the weekends when they make a spontaneous visit. If it's cold the cats are locked in the kitchen. The door almost catching me as it's slammed shut. Both parents will leave me, regardless of whether I arrived 5 minutes earlier. When it's warmer, the dog gets the garden and the cats are shut out again alone with me
But I know nothing will change. In moments of anger I pray for Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim to split. Wanting my brother back. Wanting my parents admiration back.
So now I endeavour to be positive. I'm happy he's with her. They make each other happy. I'm still sad they take precedence over me, but dream that will be me one day. I will meet the rich guy. He will be the one. I will never want for anything. Every wish will be met.
We will have babies and travel. I won't have to work. He will like cats. So in the grand scheme of things. what you think doesn't really matter. I know that I'll certainly be fine.
(UPDATE 2018 - PUKE!... I had actually written an in-depth paragraph on exactly how this dream bloke was going to look as well!! Screw disclosing that. And I couldn't care about money now.)
13th July - D DAY!
Whoop de whoop.
So the 13th of July should be the last day I spend in this misery infested area! I should be moving!! I am really excited, but annoyingly I am lacking the serious motivation I need in order get every thing packed up and sorted.
I don't know why I am struggling so much.
My lovely favourite candidate from my last job came and fixed the hole in the floor yesterday. I just have to re-stick the tiles on top of it. It's not perfect, but I can stand in my bathroom now without fear of falling through it.
I'm really fed up with not being able to use my own WiFi and having my phone hacked. It's tiresome having to travel just to write on my blog or send an email. And the cost of it is pissing me off too. Although it is encouraging me to do this injunction and sell my story.
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I should be sorting out accommodation today. I don't know why I'm so down. It's there fault. I hate them more than words can describe.
Right better go, have another post to write from an old diary entry and I have to look at my emails about renting somewhere.
Jay x x
P.S - Almost 40,000 hits guys, thanks for reading! All those accidental clicks have added up over the past 3 years!
So the 13th of July should be the last day I spend in this misery infested area! I should be moving!! I am really excited, but annoyingly I am lacking the serious motivation I need in order get every thing packed up and sorted.
I don't know why I am struggling so much.
My lovely favourite candidate from my last job came and fixed the hole in the floor yesterday. I just have to re-stick the tiles on top of it. It's not perfect, but I can stand in my bathroom now without fear of falling through it.
I'm really fed up with not being able to use my own WiFi and having my phone hacked. It's tiresome having to travel just to write on my blog or send an email. And the cost of it is pissing me off too. Although it is encouraging me to do this injunction and sell my story.
Anyway, this is just a quick update. I should be sorting out accommodation today. I don't know why I'm so down. It's there fault. I hate them more than words can describe.
Right better go, have another post to write from an old diary entry and I have to look at my emails about renting somewhere.
Jay x x
P.S - Almost 40,000 hits guys, thanks for reading! All those accidental clicks have added up over the past 3 years!
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