❤️ 01st January 2010 - Journal

As I say goodbye to my two dearest friends, I also realise I have no real friends. Z**** blew me out fr her ex and sister.

Told me unless her other friends asked her to come out, she wasn’t coming. So, there was no parting last night. 

N**** took sympathy on me, so thankfully I wasn’t alone. 

Just me and my precious boys for 2010

(So around this time in my life, I began to realise I had been so deep with my crack and heroin addiction, my friends had moved on without me. Unfortunately, this was the gate way, for giving up on friends completely and just smoking drugs)

❤️ 29th June 2017 - Journal

Well I’ve found Orion yesterday which means I’m alive.

I was so ready to do it (kill myself) yesterday I went back to Westminster Road after another phone call. Got there around midnight.

Found him under a 4x4 starving.

Then when me and N got back the madness started. I ingore the whispering. N went mental. They were fucking under the floor from that J*******’s house (next door)

Queue N running around with a knife

I can see him stabbing me if they carry on.

N was up in the loft and everything, making bear noise.

He called the police at 6am and probably realised bout the ‘g’ half was through the call and ran off leaving me to deal with it.

If course, no man was found (They have messed with N’s head too, and he can believe I’m hiding a man in here when they do their shit), but I obviously let him out before the Feds came.

If I didn’t have Orion I’d be dead now. I was ready to do it last night.

Now I have to rethink everything.

I’m still going to try and find Orion a new home just in case they don’t leave me alone,

I’m up to 22/50 (I used to tally up the abuse with the aim of suicide when it reached 50/50)

I have a short term plan. Hopefully they won’t destroy me while I’m trying to implement it.

Orion - you’ve save my life again!

I still want to die. It’s just going to be a little harder now.

Maybe an inside BBQ for me and Orion?

❤️ 27th June 2017 - Journal

I don’t know if I’ll get through tonight. They have stolen my post fraudulently. It was recorded delivery. Someone called Jason and a fcuked signature. They opened my post, read it, and stuck it through my letter box once I had gone out. My passport is missing, I bet they took it. I’m reporting it stolen.

If my package doesn’t come tomorrow I’ll re-order x 10 to another address. I need it to go out.

I bet they’ve stolen that too (orders from dream market). See no privacy.

If I had a normal family, I could pick myself up and carry on. Mine want me dead.

❤️ Office Pranks 101

Almost was the proud owner of a freshly printed P45 Tuesday. 

The story goes like this...

Firstly, I want to clearly state, my my job description is clearly listed in the Oxford Dictionary under the words ‘stressful’, ‘unmanageable’ and ‘exhausting’. 

Ok... not exactly, but those three adjectives are definitely a true reflection of my job. Therefore letting off steam, opposed to walking out the door and never returning, is needed!!

So.. Monday my manager states he’s not in tomorrow and who wants to be in charge (jokingly). Of course my hand stuck up quicker than what Usan Bolt can do with running stuff.

I asked could I bring my rabbit in.

I was told under no circumstance to bring my rabbit in.

So, Tuesday... emailed myself a picture of my rabbit, and on my lunch break I made it relatively big in Word and colour printed.

Then, I cut the rabbit shape out.

I then got my colleagues to react to the piece of paper whilst I took photos.

I cropped my hands out the photos and added a filter. This was to hide the fact it was clearly a cut out. This was the hardest part due to the uncontrollable laughter.

Then, new pictures emails to myself, before uploading them to the company social media app. I also emailed them to my manager A** and another fucking sounds manager called F****. I made sure I kept to the random section. I only ever post on random. 

It just so happened the manager’s meeting which was taking place at the time, was actually discussing the company social media app and how I was someone who actively used it.

F**** checked his work email during the meeting and showed my manager the email. My manager started shitting himself and asked F**** not to tell anyone. As he viewed these pics on a mobile phone they looked quite realistic.

Queue their break... the and the senior manager seeing my post.

I’m pretty sure there were swear words involved as they exclaimed ‘Jay’s brought her rabbit to work!!’

It didn’t take long for someone to look at the pictures properly and realise it was a cut out. 

❤️ 14th January 2010 - Journal

Run out of money again! Borrowed £100 off S****.

Straight up, got a smoke for me and N****. Pretty bad but I couldn’t resist.

Only 4 light (crack) and a £15 (heroin).

Went to mum’s did her birthday dinner. Why do I love kuba so much? (Crack).

Ended up doing a couple of blazes in the bathroom of my rents house.

❤️ 24th March 2010 - Journal

Dear God, spirit guide, angels and the rest of the other side.

Please help me, I’m really hoping P**** isn’t my 30 year old who I marry and have kids with (I was told this in a tarot reading)

You know I long for someone like me. Crib, job, whip and no kids.

Yet you give me someone with two kids and another two on the way. Now job, no whip, still lives at home with mummy.

I will never be M**. Even if he did fall for me, he would never love me like he does her.

After R** I promised myself I wasn’t going to settle for second best again.

I’d rather live a lonely miserable existence opposed to being second best again.

I need someone who is going to be my number one and me his.

The only way that can happen is if he’s childless. The only time I won’t be his number one is when WE have OUR first baby together.

P**** has proven he was just using me.

He got what he wanted and as the month has progressed he’s shown his true colours.

I totally understand his child and baby mum will always come before any mates.

Shit even if we did get together and have kids, I know M** and H***** would come before me and my baby.

But he knows I’m scared I have no one else

❤️ 13th March 2018 - I’m Working Hardly Using, They’re Still Abusing

I just wanted to add this. I don’t normally publish in the morning, but they’re still off their fucking rockers, abusing me.

Yes I’ve been smoking crack a couple of times a week.

But, bear in mind... 

1) I could be mutilating myself with needles

2) PARADOXICAL AFFECT!! My head works backwards

So stimulants CALM my head.

It goes quiet. 

It’s still.

PEACEFUL

but they still watch... and what’s worse. They make it fucking obvious.

Meaning, A 36 YEAR OLD WOMAN HAS NO PRIVACY!

None of my diary entities are private. Imagine your fucking mother, father and brother who hates you, knowing your inner most private through.

Every time you shit 

Every time you masterbate 

Every time you watch porn.

Every time you have sex.

Surely you can see how warped and fucked this is.

I’m 36 NOT 15.

So last night they made me so angry (again) I ended up trying to abuse my medication.

So... from now... I think I’ll be staying out. And if I’m staying out, I can’t just smoke crack. 

Remember I don’t abuse heroin. And smoking crack makes me still, quiet and calm.

I’m not harming anyone.

I sit here and chill.

I have a feeling a binge is coming on.

I have so much anger and hatred I need to release it somehow.

They could watch in fucking silence, if they HAVE to watch. And let me be happy.

They don’t want me happy.

They know their behaviour pushes me to use.

They are sick sick people.

Thanks for being a part of their sick plan.

I’m having to move over 300 miles away to escape them.

You may dislike drug users. But there’s millions of us.

How many sickos like my family can you count?

❤️ 04th January 2010 - Journal

Back at work.. BOOOO! Got £30 fine from fed as both my break lights were out.. BOOOO! Left at 3pm and linked JD.. BOOOO! But only for a £15

Feeling optimistic about changing my life.

Feeling weirdly sad about a disabled kitten I played with in Tenerife as a child. But at least he had me and the other children his life.

❤️ 11th May 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

At R**’s damn Facebook again. I had added application my Cutest Friends and my Sexiest Friends.

You go through your friends and vote out of all of your friends. It takes everyone’s vote into consideration. So I get to make one vote for each person for Sexy / Cute or not Secy / Cute.

So if 10 is Z**’s mate’s vote her sexy and 8 of P******’s and 7 of T*****’s, they’ll be rated 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

I only have one vote, so I can’t choose who I want.

R** sees T***** pic on the application on my profile and kicks off. 

Swears I gave him loads of votes and not voting for him (which I wasn’t). I must have rated T***** more, which is why he’s on my profile. I didn’t actually vote for him at all.

The moodiness over nothing continues, I remove all the applications off Facebook bar a couple of games.

Still I can’t change his mood.

I leave. He doesn’t come after me or call. I spend the night crying myself to sleep again. 

❤️ 08th January 2010 - Journal

Bumped into Smilie today (old coke dealer who fancied me, so would sell me a Q.. 7 grams for £180, when I was shotting). He’s looking well for. Could do with a fuck friend. It’s been almost a year.

Linked JD (crack and heroin dealer), but it’s been over a week since my last smoke.

Arranged my social life for the next two months. Time to start deleting numbers from my phone book. T*****, M****** and I** spring to mind.

(T***** was an old school friend who was adamantly against drugs, M***** was an old work colleague and I** an ex. It’s clear M****** is aware of my notoriety as I saw her at an event in 2016 and she was acting cold towards me)