❤️ SUICIDE NOTE TO R*** AT MDART

Dear R***,

AUGUST 2017

Sorry I told you I couldn't be saved. Well my family started doing their bullshit again. I couldn't take it anymore. So now I'm gone. And free. No more lies, no more hurt, no more pain. I'm sorry this letter is in Private but I couldn't risk sending it before it has happened. I did not want anyone to save me. Plus I would only be undoubtably locked up in Springfield again and left to rot. So I had to do it properly this time.

Remember you told me the truth last time to get me to go there.  I hope you can now tell the truth I'm gone so justice is done. This isn't suicide R*** it's murder.

They continued to torment me R***. I had been to rehab for fuck's sake. What else could I do to make it stop? Being sober just made it hurt real bad.

They made N**** want nothing more to do with me. He was all I had left. He was going to give me £500 for my bills that would have given me a couple more weeks of trying to sort my life out. They knew that and they still carried on. They wanted this. 

OCTOBER 2017

Relasped. Can't take life anymore. Sorry, got wasted and it seemed like too much an easy option! 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 2001 - Once Upon a Time - Ecstasy

Taken from my previous blog about crack addiction 

Hello cyber space, I doubt anyone is reading this yet so I guess I'm talking to myself.

I have been a little naughty this week. I've had two big smokes instead of the usual one. One of my ex-boyfriends, who I haven't seen for years wanted to see me. He had got in touch on good old Facebook (maybe not so good!)

Anyway, I really couldn't be bothered to see him... Well, not without my good old friend Mr Crack. So, I got a big piece for myself. A forty. What I would normally share with my boy.

Anyway, I** came over to mine after he finished work. Must have reached around 7.30pm. I started seeing I** during November 2001. I was 20 at the time, and still with my first boyfriend J***. J*** was a cunt, but that's another story.

I remember the day well, I had just been told I was going to be made redundant from my first 'proper' office job. I worked for a media company in Camden. One of the managers had gone crazy with her budget, spending a shit load on un-needed furniture and as a result, all 170 staff members bar the 4-5 directors lost their jobs. I was one of the last to go as I actually did some work.

On the day I was made redundant I went out for a drink with C*******. C******* had been my best friend whilst in high school, from around the age of 14 right until we both left working for McDonald's at 17. Since then our constant contact quickly diminished and at this time I hadn't seen her for a good two years. Since I didn't have to go to work tomorrow (I would be required to work some more days, but not full time anymore), I decided getting fucked was the first thing on my agenda.

As we were commiserating the quiet drink idea had just gone out of the window. Getting fucked was the only agenda of the night. C******* was still at uni, so this suited her fine. The drinks where on me. Even though I had only been working there for 5 months and wasn't entitled to an increased redundancy final pay, they did give me one. That suited C******* even more.

We both had an eye for sexy black guys, and you met sexy black guys in Streatham. We reached the Horse and Groom around 7pm and immediately ordered a bottle of white wine. I poured a large glass and discreetly removed a small plastic baggy from my wallet.

'C*******... Have you ever done a pill?'
'No'
'Well, I'm going to do a half. They're really nice. These ones are called 'Pink Smilies' and they've got a really nice, subtle buzz. If you want to try some, the offer is there'

I always liked someone else to be taking drugs when I did. Especially when you were taking pills. When two friends are on a pill buzz, the connection is unbelievable. It's so deep, so loving, so caring. Life without your pill buddy is an unbearable thought. You love no one more. You watch each other sitting there, feeling slightly sick while you're coming up together. Sipping your alcoholic drinks as quickly as possible, so by the time you come up you're not all jittery, grinding teeth and tense. You're unable to smoke a single cigarette due to the MDMA. You watched each other until you come up, maybe being sick, maybe not. Most definitely hot and sweaty, pupils dilating and euphoria rushing. You watch as you both start to endlessly smoke cigarettes. You share something special.

Anyway C******* refused my offer. I placed half in my mouth and then washed it down with some wine. At the bar we both noticed two guys. I say two, but it was only the one guy we noticed. He was mixed race, with very light skin. Very tall, very slim. Shaved head with a wicked set of cheek bones and light coloured eyes. He was gorgeous. The epitome of fitness.

The guy with Mr Fit was white, middle aged, over weight and going bald. Needless to say that's where my memory of white guy ends. I honestly cannot remember one thing he said or did the whole night.

The guys couldn't fail to notice us looking and came over, with Mr Fit sitting next to C*******. And boy was I pissed. C****** was about 5'8, a chunky but slim size 10 (kinda boyish solid figure, if you know what I mean, think the tennis sisters Venus and Serena Williams), with long white blond hair. It went all the way down her back, and I had never known her to have another style apart from washing it, and leaving it to dry with her natural (kinda frizzy) waves. She had ice blue eyes and an English rose complexion. But, by the age of 20, I have to admit, she seriously wasn't making the most of herself.

She could have straightened her hair, or worn it curly with just a touch of mouse and a quick scrunch after washing. She wore a little black mascara and some concealer on a spot, but nothing else. Blue mascara, blue to dark gray eye shadow, a little foundation with a tint of yellow/bronze, a little fake tan and nails, push-up bra, sexy little outfit showing a bit of cleavage and leg, and she would have been fucking HOT! A blond Jessica Rabbit HOT!

But C*******  wasn't like that. I remember when I first started wearing thongs knickers around the age of 17. I was sleeping with guys, I wanted to look sexy and I certainly didn't want to be seen in granny knickers any more! Well C******* couldn't but help but to reminded me of a time a couple of years ago. We must have been 15, maybe early 16. We both laughed at a girl we knew who wore thongs. What was the point of wearing a piece of string instead of a pair of knickers. They looked uncomfortable and grown up. At 20 however, C******* still clung to her youth.

Me however, I had gone from weighing at my heaviest 12.4 stones (172 lbs and I'm only 5'6), wearing a size 16 (that's a 12 in the USA), with a chubby face that had cheek bones so plump they swallowed my eyes; curly orange/blond hair and typical pale English skin covered in freckles; to weighing 9.6lbs (132 lbs), a sleek size 10 (6 USA) with wicked high cheek bones. This made my eyes look larger and when I added my make up which I had perfected when my eyes appeared smaller; the dark, smokey, make-your-eyes-look-bigger application resulted in them standing out on my face with their green colour more noticeable than ever before. My hair had now experienced the delight of hair dye opposed to the 'Sun-In' I had subjected it to in my younger years. I had perfected the natural look. So much, that when I dyed it dark people asked why, as my 'natural blond' looked so nice! Whilst it was darker at the top, it faded gradually into a light blond, with natural highlights thanks to the summer sun. I was now a fan of fake tan, making my numerous freckles less noticeable and finally, I was thankful to God that when I lost all that weight, I lost none off my boobs. They had remained at 34DD and boy did I show them off!

Anyway, C******* had a man, who she lived with and I made it perfectly clear I wanted a piece of Mr Fit. Mr Fit was called I** he was 29 and had not long come from Manchester to London. He was working in sales in the City and living in Tooting.

Most of the night was a blur, as me and I** chatted more and more. Poor C******* was stuck with My Ugly all night. Pretty soon the subject of conversation turned to drugs and I offered I** the other half of the pill. I also had another quarter stored in the pouch, so I took that to top myself up.

I think we both knew we would be seeing each other again. We both knew their was something special. But pills always made you feel like that. Mr Ugly disappeared at some time and soon the pub would be closing. We were asked to drink up. By now, we were all rather tipsy, and of course me and I** were pilling. I wasn't smashed, but tipsy as we walked back to my E-reg Mini Cooper. It was old, but it was wicked. Jet black and when polished if it wasn't for the E-reg you would think it was much newer.

I dropped I** home and although my memory is blurred I do know that I swooned all about I** the rest of the journey back to C*******’s.

Me and I** saw each other for a year, but he wouldn't commit and I eventually met someone else. And that's where me and I** ended. But once again that's another story.

Back to present day, and I** wanted to come over. He is now working as an investment banker, earning around £75k a year, has his own flat in Ibiza with the rent paying the mortgage, renting an expensive flat in Fulham, single, still damn sexy, but wait for it, things are never perfect in Jay's world, he also has a 6 month old son called Reon (like Leon with a 'R'). He split up with the 22 year old mummy before she knew she was up the duff. He doesn't like her very much to be honest. They met in Ibiza, where I** was earning serious money doing something I have no doubt wasn't 100% legal (Time share scams or something), so since they split, has done nothing but request crazy money. £1,200 as rent for a flat before the baby was born (council pays for it now), £500 for clothes (I** refused and went Mothercare himself), £300 for an iPhone, oh, the list goes on.

I've already done the boyfriend with a crazy ex, and for sure I ain't going back there (that's what sent me to full blown drug addiction!) So I made it clear, there would be no funny business between me and him. He kinda invited himself to stay the night. I was going to put him on my sofa, but my two cats Tsega my big boy and Orion the little one would have woken him at dawn. Orion is only 3 and he's mental. He’s a pedigree Bengal so has wild blood. Asian leopard cat. This means they were much more active and destructive than moggies. So, when Orion kicks off at 3am he gets shut in the front room / kitchen area of my flat. So I** wouldn't have got much sleep, and I certainly wasn't shutting them in the small kitchen for him. So to cut a long story a bit shorter, I let him crash in my king sized bed.

Haven't heard from him since the tube ride to work the next day... I was pretty much a bitch prodding him if he dared to move, breath heavily, breath at all!

Anyway, gonna chip. Got a fake tan to do, a flat to tidy and most definitely a trip to re-load on the necessity's... Yes, more light and more booze.

(Grumble, just got back and wasted £20 on shit! Great, plus we had to drive all over south west London for 50 minutes, on what should have been a 20 minute drive)

Peace x


Crack Princess

❤️ MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS - Remember I'm 'NOT' Famous PART 2

@Gemma_Stalked

@Bonumchem - Research Chemicals

@EdgeFnd - ADHD

@PapiOreo - Has 30.6K followers

@eyebooks - Publisher 

@Robert_Bearing - 43.5K followers 

@ileftvenusforthis - 11.4K followers

@EliteLifeCoach1 - Life coaching

@MyDailyLifeLV - Self Help

@stoppingtheabuse - Domestic Violence

@RazzleDazzleMS - TV Production

@smokeychems1 - Research Chemicals

@CoachRichmand - ADHD 

@londonhomeless2 - Homeless

@mitchwinehouse - Amy Winehouse's dad 63.8K F

@LongLifeSoc - Life Coach 24.4K followers

@MHMPodcast - Mental Health

@artofWB - Self Help 61.8K followers

@ConquerWorry - 134K followers

@soberdotcom - Recovery 

@buythegram - Research Chemicals

@DrRobMelillo - Doctor 72.8K following

@RCS - Research Chemicals 

@researchchems1 - Research Chemicals

@LScriggle - Publisher 90K following

This account has over 924 followers so I haven't checked them all.

@JayElleShannon the account I'm totally locked out of I'm followed by 

@mitchwinehouse - Amy Winehouse's dad 63.8K F

@MHMPodcast - Mental Health

@EdgeFnd - ADHD

@brighton_Liz - Self Help 36K followers

@melodydevonish - Amy Winehouse Foundation 

@theadhdgift - ADHD

@7keysforAD - ADHD 

@4ADHD - ADHD

@soberMOVEMENT - Recovery 10.8K followers

@DrTerryLynch - TV Doctor

@changingmentalhealth - Mental Health

Pretty bizarre list of followers, seeing as I'm a 'nobody'... ehhh???

❤️ MY TWITTER FOLLOWERS - Remember I'm 'NOT' Famous

Ok, I have 3, possibly 4 Twitter Accounts. Two I don't use. One I have forgotten the password for, but would like to get it working again and one I use. I'm going to list my followers of significance. Remember I AM NOT FAMOUS, NOR HAVE I BEEN IN THE SUN... according to my family!!

@Jem-ElleShannon

@Roxanneaust - #MentalHealth

@mrjayzone - Tweets about drug addiction

@JP_Coaching - Journey Pure drug recovery 

@Scriggler - Publisher 90K followers

@PeterPauperPress - Publisher 

@dmajorbnr - Music Celebrity over 252.2K followers 

@Jerrypm1 - Celebrity over 310.5K followers

@TVCastingbyRob - Casting agency ITV

@TheJoeWoo - Life Coach

@_popular_tweets

@myadhdinfo - About ADHD

@ADHD1104 - ADHD

@ACNLatitudes - ADHD / Mental Health

@nineinchsooner - Drug User

@HVDetox - Drug Rehab

@recovery_experts - Drug Rehab

@12StepIllus - NA / AA

@fiztrading - Research Chemicals

@pharmagreenco - Research Chemicals 

@SoberGridApp - Abstinence 

@theherotour1 - Recovery 

@socialDCM - Research Chemicals

@gulfbreezerecov - Rehab

@UnitedRecovery - Rehab

@DrNickCampos - Doctor over 173.1K followers

@RecoveryRef - Recovery 

@iRecoverApp - Recovery

@ChangingMentalH - Mental Health

@cloud9chemicals - Research Chemicals

@1MCDT - MC, been in charts, famous (and also a friend 😉)

@psyhealthquotes - Mental Health

@mhmatters - Mental Health

@solutionbooks - Mental Health, 113.7K followers

@artofwb - Life Coach / Mental Health

@MHealthShop -Complimentary therapies

@JourneyPure - Recovery

@MHMPodcast - Mental Health

@ThomasBrake - Local MP

@mitchwinehouse - Amy Winehouse's dad, 63.8K followers

@DrRoyer - Doctor

@soberMOVEMENT - Recovery

@hbmutungy - Life Coach / Mental Health

Seeing as barely ANYONE reads my Tweets, retweets or likes this is strange. 

Yet I have all the a above following me... little old non famous me. They must be psychic and that's how they know about my drug and mental health problems.

I have over 136 followers and I now like 3 people on here... if that.

More to come, it's late

Jay x

❤️ 16th September 2017 - Pretending To Be My Counsellor

Ok, here's the latest saga!!

On Thursday I got an email. It was from my counsellor Rosa and also had her surname.

It Read

Dear J

I'm just waiting for a referral from Sutton and I'll be in touch.

Kind regards 

R***

I deleted the email immediately thinking it was referrals regarding the job that I lost (I could work with people with addiction). Then I suddenly thought... the posts about my suicide attempts on Facebook, disclosing my relapse and despair to the rehab manager... 

So I wrote a fresh email to her asking her about what referral. I said I hadn't been in contact with Sutton.

I sent two emails and there was no reply. 

So I checked my trash and the email from R*** had vanished. I checked all my email folders and it was gone.

I assumed she had recalled it, and began to panic... was I not supposed to know that I had been referred to the drugs team... where they trying to section me again?!

So I went down there and it was her day off.... even more worrying... she felt the need to email me on her day off.

Then Friday she replied and claimed she had not emailed me at all.

So I got drunk, ended up washing out my old coke pins and banging that up, banged up some diazepam (waste of time, not water soluable and the PG oil didn't seem to do anything) and banged up some subbie.

Went down there and ended up speaking to J*** the manager.

Spilled out the whole story. Said I was worried I would be sectioned as I have two interviews for manager roles next week paying £35k.

By the time I had finished my story it was well past 5pm and J*** wanted to go home (not that he made me feel like I had to leave). 

He said on Monday he'd call Sutton and see if they had a referral for me. He'd also book me an appointment to see Dr. P.

Before I went in there I contacted my old rehab and checked they hadn't referred me. They replied they hadn't.

Got wasted... totally wasted.

Then woke up today and had a light bulb moment.

Anyone could set up an email and chose the display name R*** (plus surname).

The email I got at first had no email signature.

The email I got was signed off Kind Regards and R*** always uses Warm Regards

The fact my phone is hacked means they could have easily deleted it from my trash items.

THEY SENT THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!

I've emailed both J*** and R*** to explain this. I've asked they check for a referral and if there is none, please do not make an appointment with Dr. P. I will not be requiring their services.

I can't believe my family did that. My ADHD doc uses the same computer system and I could lose my medication.

Fucking idiots.

Suicide is definitely on the cards now.

And D day... no one shall know that date. I will not even say it aloud.

I feel so relieved now I've made this decision. It will all be over soon

X 

❤️ 11th September 2017 - Time To Give Up?

I'm tired and weary. I can't seem to sell my house, nor get a job. Money's running out. I really want to just give up now. Nothing is going right for me. I'm just not cut out for life. 

Last night for example I was cutting some bacon up for my cat and I managed to cut my finger. My initial reaction was to flick my finger in pain before I went to suck it. Then I saw it was pouring with blood. Went and got a plaster and returned to the conservatory only to find blood EVERYWHERE!! On the floor, on there white freshly painted walls, on the doors, windows, table, table mats! 

Whilst cleaning that up I also broke one of my leopard print wine glasses which I used to dress the table. I only had two, so the other one is useless now.

This morning, whilst surveying the damage I noticed even more blood. It was fucking everywhere, including the ceiling.

No doubt many people who view my house, purely do so, so they can see the junkie's house! Therefore splats of blood will only lead them to think I was banging up in there (I only ever use in my bedroom).

I was also horrendously sick this morning. I still feel rough now. This leads me to think of the unprotected sex I had with N when I was totally out of it. 

Finally, I've managed to lose my Oyster Card. That's a fiver plus whatever travel was on it, lost.

I can't seem to buy bit coins and I've only got one night of sleeping tablets left.

I really want to give up!

I would prefer to overdose with a plastic bag over my head, but without bit coins buying enough medication to overdose will be impossible. I really don't want to hang, but I might just have to.

I'm worried I'll get the knot wrong and suffer... but my choices are limited. 

I'd rather get incredibly drunk, neck the tablets and then put a plastic bag over my head.

The saddest thing is whenever I'm thinking of ending it all, Orion will suddenly want to be near me.

And then I have the hassle of getting this blog sent out to the press. What if I send the blog out and don't die? What if I leave instructions for someone else to do it and they don't.

Revealing the horrors bestowed on me is imperative.

All I know is I really want out of life. I want to escape those people and the misery they inflict on me. I can't take anymore. 

❤️ 20th September 2016 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

I'm so sad. I know it's probably opiate withdrawal as I took methadone last Wednesday, and then smoked b Saturday, and then took Subbie Sunday and yesterday. I wanted a last session before I went, but I'm doing a piss test 

❤️ 20th September 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

Friday - 7.11pm

I'm not going to send this as I'm forcing myself to hold a grudge as you wouldn't talk to me today.

R***, my head is scaring me. I'm either furious angry, consumed with starving myself, chronically miserable and depressed or thinking about suicide.

I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid. Really scared. 

The only time I get relief from these scary thoughts is when I'm intoxicated. Which is breaking the bank. And not a solution.

I want to tell Dr. P, but I'm scared I'll be sectioned. There's no help in the nut house. 

But I'm scared if I don't tell anyone and am not locked up I'll do something stupid.

This is like when I wasn't sleeping on ethylphenidate, bar all the positive the ethylphenidate gave me. I'm beginning to get mild hallucinations and I'm getting more paranoid.

I know I just need sleep. But the GP won't prescribe sleeping tablets to a junkie. I'll get another awful anti psych which will only do this again when I stop.

I'm buying some temazepam, so maybe I'll sleep and be ok.

If not I'll send you this.

A very frightened J

❤️ 19th August 2016 - Dear R***

Subject - I'm Down Again

Only took 15mgs of codeine today. Tuesday afternoon/evening I took
45mg (I took 0.05mg of buprenorphine Tuesday morning) and Wednesday I took 75mg.

May need another 15mgs when I get home, but if the olanzapine and temazepam knocks me out and I don't have RLS I'll wait till I'm clucking.

A little alcohol earlier, but I'm pretty sober now (well from alcohol)

So let's hope the olanzapine, Temazepam and weed (latter when I'm home) knocks me out.

❤️ 14th August 2015 - List of RCs I've Tried

The Famous Junkie’s Drug Cornucopia

Here’s a list of the ‘majority of the drugs I have experienced in my life. Unlike EVERY other article I’ve encountered on the internet. They will either portray as ALL drugs bad or ALL drugs good. Bar cannabis.

So here, the honest truth. If you wanna try drugs, read some honest information.

If you wanna check out more impartial information check out Forums like 

www.bluelight.org

www.erowid.org 

Amphetamines

Drug Type: Stimulant 

Affects: Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant

For: Treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

Addictive: Yes. 5 days to 14 days is enough to cause discomfort and rebound insomnia upon stopping. 

Withdrawal: Life threatening if you are heavily addicted and stop suddenly. Other symptoms include depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia

The Fun Stuff: They’re like smoking weed without the pesky munchies. Nor yellow teeth, wrinkles, rotten teeth,  tar, cancers, etc. 

Benzodiazepines 

Drug Type: Minor Tranquillisers 

Affects: Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant

For: Treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

Addictive: Yes. 5 days to 14 days is enough to cause discomfort and rebound insomnia upon stopping. 

Withdrawal: Life threatening if you are heavily addicted and stop suddenly. Other symptoms include depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia

The Fun Stuff: They’re like smoking weed without the pesky munchies. Nor yellow teeth, wrinkles, rotten teeth,  tar, cancers, etc. 

25C-NEOmB 🤔

25CI-NEOmB 🤔

2-Aminoindane - analogue of amphetamine ✅

2-CI 🤔

2-Fluroamphetamine (2-FA) ✅

2-Fluromethamphetamine (2-FMA) 🤔

2-MeO-Ketamine 🤔

2-NE1 ✅

3,4-CTMP - 3,4-Dichloromethylphenidate - analogy methylphenidate ✅

 

3F-Phenmetraztine - Stimulant ✅

3-MeO-PCP 🤔

4-Fluroamphetamine (4-FA) 🤔

4F-MPH - 4-Fluoromethylphenidate - See Review ✅

4-MEC 🤔

4-MeO-PBP 🤔

5-MAPB (5-2-methylaminopropyl benzofuran) 🤔

5F-AKB-48 ✅

5F-PB22 ✅

5-Meo-DALT ✅

5-MeO-DMT 🤔

6-APB (5-2-aminopropyl benzofuran) ✅

APICA 2-NE1 - canaboid ✅

APINACA AKB48 - canaboid ✅

BK-2C-B ✅

Name: Bromazolam ✅

t 

Cocaine ✅

Clonazolam 🤔

Crystal Ethylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Deschlororetizolam 🤔

Diclazepam- benzodiazepine ✅

Ethylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Etizolam - benzodiazepine ✅

Fentanyl ✅

Flubromazelam - benzodiazepine 🤔

Flubromazepam - benzodiazepine ✅

Isopropylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

MDAI (5,6-methylenedioxy-2-aminoindane) ✅

MDVP (methylenedioxypyrovalerone) ✅

Mephtetramine ✅

Methiopropamine ✅

Methoxphenidine ✅

Methoxypiperamide ✅

Metizolam 🤔

MMB-Chimnaca ✅

N-ethylhexedrone 🤔

Nifoxipam - benzodiazepine ✅

Nitrazolam ✅

Nitracaine ✅

Phenazepam ✅

Phenibut ✅ 

Propylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Pyrazolam - benzodiazepine ✅

Synthacaine ✅

Definitely used - ✅

Sounds familiar - 🤔

Sedative - a substance that induces sedation by reducing irritability or excitement.

Stimulant - a substance that increases the activity of the body. They are pleasurable and invigorating. Or drugs which have sympathomimetic effects 

Sympathomimetics - Stimulants affecting serotonin and dopamine. These chemicals help calm you down, are anti anxiety, appetite regulants, help cognition, learning memory, mood, thermoregulation.

Tranquilliser 

 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked