❤️ Lyrics - Black Widow

This twisted cat and mouse game

Always starts the same

You hurt me, so I use,

It’s a mandala of pain 

You fucked with my head

And messed with my brain 

They even sectioned me

Coz I sounded insane

Now I hate you so much it really hurts 

Never fathomed you’d treat me dirt 

Now I look at you, and I feel so damn much shame 

Everything fucked and you’ll get the blame

❤️ Office Pranks 101

Here’s another gem.

Wait until your colleague leaves their PC unlocked.

Create a folder on their desk top called Porn. Extra points for a fetish and then the word porn.

Hit screen print.

Paste into Word.

Save the picture. Remove the actual folder on the desktop.

Then go to settings and change the wallpaper to the newly saved picture.

Enjoy when colleague spends ages on the phone to IT, unable to remove the folder saying porn.

❤️ 10th July 2008 - Boyfriend Dramas

Tired of crying 

Weekend alone

Ignored for days 

Let down

Inconsiderate 

Tried kids, S*****, family

(Hating me, over powering, friends)

This is my last diary entry. We split up from July... had a night of passion in October / November). I forgot to take my pill. I ended up pregnant. R**, still being deceitful over our relationship with his baby mother was adamant he didn’t want to keep our child. I was temping so no maternity pay. I doubt I’ll ever carry a child again. I would have a 9 year old child now, and no doubt a very different life.

❤️ 01st June 2015 - Journal

Wow oh wow!

I just found a pot of gold!!

A pack of Blue Stuff!

My favourite legal high which is now illegal to sell. I'm not publishing this blog until a good week has passed.

Wouldn't want to get psychosis and when your mum and dad are stalking you blogging / making thIs fact knowledgeable will only result in you suffering at their evil hands.

There's only a little 1/2 gramme say. I'm sharing so 1/4 a gramme of gorgeous blue crystals with my friend.

And even though from April 14th - 30th I was probably using less due to psychosis hounding me (my parents, the Junkettes), and my gear being contaminated, unlike then, there's no whipsering (courtesy of the little white speaker they tend to shove under my floor boards in an attempt to have their single daughter living alone think she's mad. I didn't . I do freak over the security of my home though so thanks for the paranoia).

Not seeing my baldy Fat Cunt sibling in a wig. Accompanied by B***** his girlfriends little sister (who has dip dyed hair, take note nice but Dim). How the fuck did he get a freedom pass, and why? Please feel free to top up my Oyster.

No flashes from phone cameras.

No removing items from my bag.

No disappearing keys (I hope you've got my Mercedes Kompressor Key)

No 'shhhh', 'mum', 'sigh' *yawn*

Back like before they discovered I was banging up. Just me, speed and a beautiful sense of calm in my head.

Yes in the absence of Ritalin aka methylphenidate, ethylphenidate works rather well when used sensibly.

Sensibly 1/4 to 1/2 a day intravenously. Still excessive but I'm not chewing my face off with Bambi deer eyes (massive pupils).

❤️ 01st June 2015 - Journal

There's no point trying to keep a written diary. My only record of the horrendous actions done to me appears to be missing

Not happy with the iPad they took the pad!

Today me and my friend discovered the legal high shop is giving away old stock they can't sell. Bought some sleepers and got some ethylphenidate.

Slept at N**’s. Got Fat Cunt psychosis (where my brother hacks my mobile phone, and the speaker. So he can read what I am writing on my screen and read it out as I write it)

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 13th June 2015 - You Lied Again

'You don't get another chance

Life is no Nintendo game

But you lied again

Now you get to watch her leave out the window

Guess that's why they call it window pane'

I'm broken

Article pulled from net so I cannot be compensated for loss of earnings. My parents, only assisted by my friend taking the photo, only sold an article to the most read tabloid newspaper of me smoking crack cocaine. A red top too, how crass. I would have chosen the Daily Mail at least.

This is why I am famous. Upon hearing a fake phone call telling the truth about my

ADHD, someone took pity on me, on a bus and told me it was 'The Sun'

No wonder when I called them and told them of a person working for the old Bill, breaking the law, replied 'go to hospital' what the fuck!? I'm telling you a Metropolitan Police employee has committed a variety of crimes and you reply go hospital!

Needless to say it all fell into place.

They've ruined my whole life and it only made me use more.

Now I've begged for the help I need. Not the nut house.

Rehab and detox.

They tormented me all night knowing it only increases my using.

The lie is too big to hide forever. It breaks me that they continue to torment me when I've begged knowing I can't do it alone.

Their lie and making me believe I'm crazy is more important than me getting well 

And I really want it coz I'll get my meds back

I want it for ME, not them. They just made me use more.

The lie is too big, and their denial as I obtain more info breaks me.

I asked they they book rehab and detox, say nothing, just leave me the dates written down.

I've begged the drugs team and my appointment for funding turned out to be. With a psychiatrist to see if I'm crazy.

They want me locked in the nut house wen I'm sane. They won't give me the help I need and want.

Most parents try rehab first

I cannot live a lie and if unable to clear my name I'm leaving UK. They've destroyed so much and place obstacles in my attempts at fixing things.

Even when I stopped using for a week. Handed works and gear.. I was still tormented

I cannot win. 

I cannot live a lie. As always stupidly optimistic they'll. be parents and help.

But it ain't happened yet

Viva la espania?

❤️ 29th June 2015 - Journal

17 days no pins. Even ensured a clean piss test in an attempt to get my Ritalin back last week when I saw my psychiatric nurse at MDART

I've smoked some crack but remain drug free after Friday so I would be clean on Tuesday. This seriously removes the ability to sustain an addiction.

Only Buprenorphine (weaker tablet form of methadone) and cannabis.

I've had one diazepam from my mate, but stick to cannabis and the odd zopiclone my parents let me have.

I'm going to insist on a urine test each week I go MDART and will ensure its clean. This stops me using every day or every other. I'll cut down to twice a week. So practically halve my using.

Good news!! I have my first meeting with the social worker who is trying to secure funding so I can go rehab! Friday. I doubt I'll see a rehab for at least a month, but I've got a light in my tunnel.

At last!

J**

❤️ 07th July 2015 - Do You Have Old Copies of The Sun

 I’m after hoarders who may have old copies of The Sun

The article of me smoking crack cocaine has been removed so I am unable to see it.

I have a feeling it may have been a web article.

However I've noticed my father's absence in purchasing his favourite newspaper, including last Sunday's.

I will pay £500 for anyone who can send me the original article, and £100 for the updates which no doubt are present.

My internet is tracked and censored to prevent me seeing this.

Anyone with these please post a message and I'll follow up.

Oh, and here's a pic of me smoking crack.

Bless

J 

❤️ 07th July 2015 - Journal

The one joy of a stimulant addiction is its appetite suppressing qualities.

Ok, weighing less than 7 stone 7 pounds or 105lbs renders me into a living skeleton with my sagging skin making my breast appear to look like spaniel dog ears. My bicep on my upper arm becomes thinner than my elbow. My ribs and hip bones become painfully sharp and whilst lying on my side I still have a prominent thigh gap, something I am rather grotesquely still proud of.

But if I am able to hover at 7.10lbs/108lbs to 8.3lbs/115lbs I am finally at a low enough weight where my annoying pot belly, one of the joys of being apple shaped, loses enough fat to prove I do have stomach muscles.

Being apple shaped means I can fit a UK 6 or USA 2 and still have a rounded tummy, looking like I'm slightly pregnant or have just been to Pizza Hut all you can eat lunch time buffet.

I have to hit the lowest weight for my height (8.4lbs/116lbs) to finally lose my rounded tummy and achieve a toned, flat tummy enough to rival a Victoria Secret model.

Being fat from aged 10-18, my weight has always played a huge part in my life. I've always had top weights, once 10 stone (140lbs) now 9 stone (126lbs) which upon hitting means serious dieting and exercise must be embarked on.

Although I must have hit an all time low in the height of my addiction of around 6.7lbs/91lbs, and completely aware of my grotesque appearance, I enjoyed and now miss, the removal of the nagging voice telling me I'm too fat, I must exercise, 10,000 steps a day, stave off eating for as long as possible due to my inability to refrain from binging in the evening.

In order to sleep with my ADHD, smoking weed is a nightly appearance and the inevitable munchies catch me each time I do so.

This is why is was easy to fall into the clutches of benzodiazepine addiction, as these too lulled me to sleep, without creating a mad hunger for sweet treats like cannabis unfortunately does.

Due to my binge at the beginning of the month, I was forced to face an annoying 3 week binge. 3 weeks due to one week using speed!! It's so unfair.

Thankfully the enormous hunger I had has faded away, but I am far from happy at the weight I am now at.

And yep, she's back again, the nagging voice screaming I'm fat.

I'm hoping to lose half a stone and tone up. Oh the joys of sober life.

❤️ 14th July 2015 - Journal

Ok, here's more evidence that I am perfectly sane of mind, and have always been so, even during the height of my ethylphenidate addiction.

So, I haven't seen my brother, girlfriend and one of the reasons I am still alive, my gorgeous, perfect, wonderful, niece P**** since Christmas.

If I die, and remain childless, my home, belongings, pets, everything, is for her and her only. I know she'll grow up to know she doesn't see her scummy junkie Aunty as she's a dirty druggy. I do hope she's told I suffer from ADHD which is why I have had drug problems.

Anyway, since Christmas I have only encountered the 'psychosis' version of my brother and his girlfriend. I call these versions Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. Nice But Dim actually pretended to be a bunny at one stage... Don't ask... Scratching around under the sofa. 

I was rather accommodating to Nice But Dim. I'd leave the room so she could leave her hiding place. She was still incredibly mean to me. Stealing the locket of my dearly beloved Tsega's fur (RIP my baby), making mess on the floor as she's aware I would clean it.

Not only was this mean to me, but my terminally ill, cancer stricken mother, would only have to deal with the mess after I had given up on trying to sweep a floor that she would continually blow more mess from under the cabinets or sofa.

I suffer from OCD as part of my ADHD, so am particular about certain things.

I have, naturally, been very nasty to Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim. However it was asked for as they tormented me to high heaven.

Fat Cunt even refused to take a beautiful bunny toy I bought for the light of my life. I even wrote a story to go with him. It was about my bunny Cyran, killed by a fox. In the story instead of dying he dug a hole to escape and burrowed into their garden.

Upon seeing a beautiful baby and kind mummy he went to live with them.

That broke my heart. Hate me, deny me seeing her, but how can you refuse a toy bought with real thought and much love.

She doesn't deserve to miss out on being spoiled because you hate me. 

Anyway she's just turned one. I must have spent between £70-£100 on my princess. Another bunny toy, giraffe toy, paddling pool, garden tunnel, two light up bath toys, two cheap bath toys, roaring lion toy... Probably more too.

She had two birthday celebrations. I even made the tower for her birthday cake as my mother's one, professional cake maker, was rubbish. And that's being kind.

Yet I was invited to neither. If invited I would have come and watched her open my presents and left. Yet denied that joy.

Sad as seeing her is a real incentive to stay clean. 

I asked my mother why I wasn't invited. She replied I had upset my brother and his girlfriend. Now when confronted about my 'psychosis' being real, she's denied with such certainty you would believe I was trying to convince her the sky was pink.

So, I have had NO contact with my brother or girlfriend. Therefore the encounters I've had, are definitely with Fat Cunt and Nice But Dim.

So I am perplexed to say the least as to how I've upset them.

In fact, although I was incredibly malicious to the psychosis versions, I was also heart felt. Told them precious P**** was to inherit my 3 bedroomed house, expensive gold, teddies and more.

I told them she either rented my home out or sold it and then the money, which is in excess of £120,000 equity, was to be placed into a saving account to be given to her aged 25.

I also swore should all the girlfriend's family and mine and any reasonable friend's die, and P**** needed a home, I'd change my life substantially to care for her.

I also poured my heart out about being a child and fond memories. Such as buying my brother a toy lizard in primary school and a bully stealing it from him. Of course I retrieved it. Buying him a South Park badge when hearing he was bullied in High School. 

The nights we would both come home fucked and he would knock on my door asking if I had any pills, coke, weed or other.  How we'd sit up all night in my room, him on my bed settee, chatting loved up ecstasy till dawn. 

Still they would do the most evil things to torment me. They played, via a speaker from my next door neighbours window, a sound of an animal being dragged to its death by a fox I'd guess.  The noise got fainter and fainter until it stopped. Now it sounded bait as the noise, the animal's cry, never varied each time.

Then they tried to play it again. I stated

'Don't play that noise. It upsets Orion and the pets (Orion is my Bengal). It doesn't bother me, but Orion gets distressed. No matter how much you hate me, don't upset my animals. I'd never do anything to hurt A***** (their dog) no matter how much I hate you' the noise stopped after that comment.

I'll probably go away for Christmas this year. I'm getting a large redundancy package as they're well aware their bullying resulted in me being the UK's most famous junkie after Amy Winehouse (RIP) and Pete Doherty. That way they can have the perfect family Christmas without worrying my presence will prevent the perfect son and co. attending

Oh well, it's not my fault, 'Everything that kills me, makes me feel alive'

Mwah Jay x