❤️ 16th September 2017 - Pretending To Be My Counsellor

Ok, here's the latest saga!!

On Thursday I got an email. It was from my counsellor Rosa and also had her surname.

It Read

Dear J

I'm just waiting for a referral from Sutton and I'll be in touch.

Kind regards 

R***

I deleted the email immediately thinking it was referrals regarding the job that I lost (I could work with people with addiction). Then I suddenly thought... the posts about my suicide attempts on Facebook, disclosing my relapse and despair to the rehab manager... 

So I wrote a fresh email to her asking her about what referral. I said I hadn't been in contact with Sutton.

I sent two emails and there was no reply. 

So I checked my trash and the email from R*** had vanished. I checked all my email folders and it was gone.

I assumed she had recalled it, and began to panic... was I not supposed to know that I had been referred to the drugs team... where they trying to section me again?!

So I went down there and it was her day off.... even more worrying... she felt the need to email me on her day off.

Then Friday she replied and claimed she had not emailed me at all.

So I got drunk, ended up washing out my old coke pins and banging that up, banged up some diazepam (waste of time, not water soluable and the PG oil didn't seem to do anything) and banged up some subbie.

Went down there and ended up speaking to J*** the manager.

Spilled out the whole story. Said I was worried I would be sectioned as I have two interviews for manager roles next week paying £35k.

By the time I had finished my story it was well past 5pm and J*** wanted to go home (not that he made me feel like I had to leave). 

He said on Monday he'd call Sutton and see if they had a referral for me. He'd also book me an appointment to see Dr. P.

Before I went in there I contacted my old rehab and checked they hadn't referred me. They replied they hadn't.

Got wasted... totally wasted.

Then woke up today and had a light bulb moment.

Anyone could set up an email and chose the display name R*** (plus surname).

The email I got at first had no email signature.

The email I got was signed off Kind Regards and R*** always uses Warm Regards

The fact my phone is hacked means they could have easily deleted it from my trash items.

THEY SENT THE FUCKING EMAIL!!!

I've emailed both J*** and R*** to explain this. I've asked they check for a referral and if there is none, please do not make an appointment with Dr. P. I will not be requiring their services.

I can't believe my family did that. My ADHD doc uses the same computer system and I could lose my medication.

Fucking idiots.

Suicide is definitely on the cards now.

And D day... no one shall know that date. I will not even say it aloud.

I feel so relieved now I've made this decision. It will all be over soon

X 

❤️ 11th September 2017 - Time To Give Up?

I'm tired and weary. I can't seem to sell my house, nor get a job. Money's running out. I really want to just give up now. Nothing is going right for me. I'm just not cut out for life. 

Last night for example I was cutting some bacon up for my cat and I managed to cut my finger. My initial reaction was to flick my finger in pain before I went to suck it. Then I saw it was pouring with blood. Went and got a plaster and returned to the conservatory only to find blood EVERYWHERE!! On the floor, on there white freshly painted walls, on the doors, windows, table, table mats! 

Whilst cleaning that up I also broke one of my leopard print wine glasses which I used to dress the table. I only had two, so the other one is useless now.

This morning, whilst surveying the damage I noticed even more blood. It was fucking everywhere, including the ceiling.

No doubt many people who view my house, purely do so, so they can see the junkie's house! Therefore splats of blood will only lead them to think I was banging up in there (I only ever use in my bedroom).

I was also horrendously sick this morning. I still feel rough now. This leads me to think of the unprotected sex I had with N when I was totally out of it. 

Finally, I've managed to lose my Oyster Card. That's a fiver plus whatever travel was on it, lost.

I can't seem to buy bit coins and I've only got one night of sleeping tablets left.

I really want to give up!

I would prefer to overdose with a plastic bag over my head, but without bit coins buying enough medication to overdose will be impossible. I really don't want to hang, but I might just have to.

I'm worried I'll get the knot wrong and suffer... but my choices are limited. 

I'd rather get incredibly drunk, neck the tablets and then put a plastic bag over my head.

The saddest thing is whenever I'm thinking of ending it all, Orion will suddenly want to be near me.

And then I have the hassle of getting this blog sent out to the press. What if I send the blog out and don't die? What if I leave instructions for someone else to do it and they don't.

Revealing the horrors bestowed on me is imperative.

All I know is I really want out of life. I want to escape those people and the misery they inflict on me. I can't take anymore. 

❤️ 20th September 2016 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

I'm so sad. I know it's probably opiate withdrawal as I took methadone last Wednesday, and then smoked b Saturday, and then took Subbie Sunday and yesterday. I wanted a last session before I went, but I'm doing a piss test 

❤️ 20th September 2017 - Dear R*** - Letter To My Counsellor

Friday - 7.11pm

I'm not going to send this as I'm forcing myself to hold a grudge as you wouldn't talk to me today.

R***, my head is scaring me. I'm either furious angry, consumed with starving myself, chronically miserable and depressed or thinking about suicide.

I'm scared I'm going to do something stupid. Really scared. 

The only time I get relief from these scary thoughts is when I'm intoxicated. Which is breaking the bank. And not a solution.

I want to tell Dr. P, but I'm scared I'll be sectioned. There's no help in the nut house. 

But I'm scared if I don't tell anyone and am not locked up I'll do something stupid.

This is like when I wasn't sleeping on ethylphenidate, bar all the positive the ethylphenidate gave me. I'm beginning to get mild hallucinations and I'm getting more paranoid.

I know I just need sleep. But the GP won't prescribe sleeping tablets to a junkie. I'll get another awful anti psych which will only do this again when I stop.

I'm buying some temazepam, so maybe I'll sleep and be ok.

If not I'll send you this.

A very frightened J

❤️ 19th August 2016 - Dear R***

Subject - I'm Down Again

Only took 15mgs of codeine today. Tuesday afternoon/evening I took
45mg (I took 0.05mg of buprenorphine Tuesday morning) and Wednesday I took 75mg.

May need another 15mgs when I get home, but if the olanzapine and temazepam knocks me out and I don't have RLS I'll wait till I'm clucking.

A little alcohol earlier, but I'm pretty sober now (well from alcohol)

So let's hope the olanzapine, Temazepam and weed (latter when I'm home) knocks me out.

❤️ 14th August 2015 - List of RCs I've Tried

The Famous Junkie’s Drug Cornucopia

Here’s a list of the ‘majority of the drugs I have experienced in my life. Unlike EVERY other article I’ve encountered on the internet. They will either portray as ALL drugs bad or ALL drugs good. Bar cannabis.

So here, the honest truth. If you wanna try drugs, read some honest information.

If you wanna check out more impartial information check out Forums like 

www.bluelight.org

www.erowid.org 

Amphetamines

Drug Type: Stimulant 

Affects: Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant

For: Treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

Addictive: Yes. 5 days to 14 days is enough to cause discomfort and rebound insomnia upon stopping. 

Withdrawal: Life threatening if you are heavily addicted and stop suddenly. Other symptoms include depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia

The Fun Stuff: They’re like smoking weed without the pesky munchies. Nor yellow teeth, wrinkles, rotten teeth,  tar, cancers, etc. 

Benzodiazepines 

Drug Type: Minor Tranquillisers 

Affects: Sedative, hypnotic, anxiolytic, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant

For: Treating anxiety, insomnia, agitation, seizures, muscle spasms, alcohol withdrawal and as a premedication for medical or dental procedures.

Addictive: Yes. 5 days to 14 days is enough to cause discomfort and rebound insomnia upon stopping. 

Withdrawal: Life threatening if you are heavily addicted and stop suddenly. Other symptoms include depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia

The Fun Stuff: They’re like smoking weed without the pesky munchies. Nor yellow teeth, wrinkles, rotten teeth,  tar, cancers, etc. 

25C-NEOmB 🤔

25CI-NEOmB 🤔

2-Aminoindane - analogue of amphetamine ✅

2-CI 🤔

2-Fluroamphetamine (2-FA) ✅

2-Fluromethamphetamine (2-FMA) 🤔

2-MeO-Ketamine 🤔

2-NE1 ✅

3,4-CTMP - 3,4-Dichloromethylphenidate - analogy methylphenidate ✅

 

3F-Phenmetraztine - Stimulant ✅

3-MeO-PCP 🤔

4-Fluroamphetamine (4-FA) 🤔

4F-MPH - 4-Fluoromethylphenidate - See Review ✅

4-MEC 🤔

4-MeO-PBP 🤔

5-MAPB (5-2-methylaminopropyl benzofuran) 🤔

5F-AKB-48 ✅

5F-PB22 ✅

5-Meo-DALT ✅

5-MeO-DMT 🤔

6-APB (5-2-aminopropyl benzofuran) ✅

APICA 2-NE1 - canaboid ✅

APINACA AKB48 - canaboid ✅

BK-2C-B ✅

Name: Bromazolam ✅

t 

Cocaine ✅

Clonazolam 🤔

Crystal Ethylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Deschlororetizolam 🤔

Diclazepam- benzodiazepine ✅

Ethylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Etizolam - benzodiazepine ✅

Fentanyl ✅

Flubromazelam - benzodiazepine 🤔

Flubromazepam - benzodiazepine ✅

Isopropylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

MDAI (5,6-methylenedioxy-2-aminoindane) ✅

MDVP (methylenedioxypyrovalerone) ✅

Mephtetramine ✅

Methiopropamine ✅

Methoxphenidine ✅

Methoxypiperamide ✅

Metizolam 🤔

MMB-Chimnaca ✅

N-ethylhexedrone 🤔

Nifoxipam - benzodiazepine ✅

Nitrazolam ✅

Nitracaine ✅

Phenazepam ✅

Phenibut ✅ 

Propylphenidate - Similar to methylphenidate (AKA Ritalin) ✅

Pyrazolam - benzodiazepine ✅

Synthacaine ✅

Definitely used - ✅

Sounds familiar - 🤔

Sedative - a substance that induces sedation by reducing irritability or excitement.

Stimulant - a substance that increases the activity of the body. They are pleasurable and invigorating. Or drugs which have sympathomimetic effects 

Sympathomimetics - Stimulants affecting serotonin and dopamine. These chemicals help calm you down, are anti anxiety, appetite regulants, help cognition, learning memory, mood, thermoregulation.

Tranquilliser 

 

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 23rd June 2017 - iPhone Hacked - Letter To My Abusers

How I'm Feeling

Sometimes I wish I could just be saved. Someone could make it all better. They wouldn't judge me. They wouldn't feel ashamed or disappointed. They'd just hug me when I'm feeling like this. Tell me it will be alright. Offer me practical advise.

I'm unsave-able. I'm not only broken, I'm shattered. No one can glue me back together. I am the most horrendous human being that has ever existed. My family have been waiting for the day I kill myself since... I dunno.... when Fat Cunt was born? When I got fat and ugly? When they found out I was a junkie and started all this shit? Anyway, for a while. 

I'm so sorry I am me. I hate being me just as much as you hate me. I wish you had another child. Always such a disappointment. I'm sorry. I won't be a burden for much longer. You can have the perfect family you deserve. 

I'm going to make a book with all my final affairs in. It's not a will, but it will outline what I want. I know in life, there is no respect for me, but I hope in death there will be respect for my wishes. I won't ask for much. 

I would like 6 months of living left. But that depends how much you push me. I can't take that anymore. That will make it happen soooo quick. It breaks my heart, coz I know you won't stop. But that's your call.

I hurt so bad. 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 27th June 2017 - iPhone Hacked - Letter To My Abusers

You took my post didn't you. That's why is was late. You're even determined to ruin my last time here. If my package doesn't come tomorrow BLAM. I'll buy £400 of cocaine and mainline that. It's my life, I'll end it how I want. And if I suspect it's tampered with in the slightest.

I'll go Brixton and I know people who I can pay to receive post for me. And I'll order a lot more. 

Later...

Only the truth can save me. The ball is in your court. But time's running out. If everything comes out, at least I stand to make some money selling my story. I'm quite happy to die. I'm so broken I don't care. 

❤️ 24th September 2016 - iPhone Hacked - Letter To My Abusers

It's  ok, I'm going to overdose on my meds soon. I'll let you pay for rehab first though. Having time away from you will be worth it

You're all so pathetic. You know (and told the whole of the U.K.) I'm a junkie. You know I was in opiate medication. One would has really anticipated you may had explored what these meds do and what happens when you stop taking them.

I have been opiate sick! Yes I know I took too many Nytol last night (not the night just gone), but i was desperate to sleep. You've (old cunt of a father) have told me you need two zopiclone, so your behaviour is rather hypocritical.  And how quickly do you get through a bottle of brandy.

So thanks for making an incredible hard, DRUG FREE, time of my life much harder than what should have been.

If your expect me to stay off drugs however, well that's not possible until I het the truth. Your call

I'm looking forward to your decision.

❤️ 15th September 2016 - iPhone Hacked - Letter To My Abusers

Nosing on my email to my fucking counsellor

BUT SOMEONE IS PUSHING ME AND PUSHING ME TOWARDS A SPECTACULAR FAIL. It's like

You want to see me crash and burn.

I'm likely to burn soon. You can't save me.

You destroyed me. I'm

Not

Just broken. I've shattered into a million pieces. I can't be fixed now. Well bar the truth which I've accepted isn't going to happen. Was

That car Daniel

Leaving

Or is he still with you: was that large 'cat/fox' him making is a escape?? Or just a mere coincident? The fact I can't hear you talking to each other any more. Yeah coz

I'm fucking deaf AND stupid.

Only the truth will save me and stop me self destructing.

Otherwise once Orion goes, I'm killing myself. And I'll be using plenty of drugs until that day. 

I don't want to live this bullshit lie of a life so I actually want to die. It takes all my energy to look you in the face and talk

To you as all

I think about is how sick, how mean, how nasty you were to me. My own family destroyed me. I hate you.

I'll never love

You. Never thank you. Never be normal.

Never have kids. I'll just bullshit life for seven years.

Then I'll be free and I'll find out the real truth when I die.

I want the truth more than what I want life.

And then I can see to what sick extent

You went to,

To destroy me. I can't wait

To die!!!! 😀😀😅😅

And as I don't know the truth, I actually don't know How sick

You are. I know I had NOT ONE PSYCHOTIC EPISODE. But there's other unexplained things. The bugs for example. I realised even that could be created with human interference. Then that makes me wonder about all the scabs and wounds I had which wouldn't heal. And then I think about almost crashing and dying when these bugs swarmed at me when driving. Exactly how much influence did you have. Coz before D (discovery day, around June-July 2014) day there was

NO bad in my life. And then it all went wrong. And YOU watched me destroy  my home and my car. You interfered and did things to make me more paranoid about the bugs, doing god knows what to make me think I'm mad. Coz people on speed see 'delusions' of bugs don't they. I have NO doubt you are

Far

Sicker than what I ever conceded.

Far sicker.

Tell me why would

I want

To live my life when my own family did what they did, possibly did a LOT more horrific things and definitely influenced these horrific things.

I am NOT stupid. I've realised everything which HAD a human influence. EVERYTHING which wasn't the dust mites (I'm praying this one was real but I'm most probably wrong too) but was actually done by my own fucking mother and father!!!!

YOURE SICK! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WITH A FAMILY LIKE YOU! YOU WOULD BE LOCKED AWAY FOR A VERY LONG TIME SHOULD THE TRUTH COME

OUT. IVE REALLSED YOURE SICKER THAN WHAT I COULD CONCIEVE. 

I can't even trust the bugs where real. Not anymore. You, at LEAST, ensured my house was infested with fleas

And mites.

And as

You were responsible for destroying my house, I hope you fully repair the damage you have done, fully furnishing my house when I return.

I may move to Spain (you'll not no my address ever( where legal

Highs are

Still legal and return to ethylphenidate. Otherwise here until Orion dies doing DRUGS.

Hope you enjoy the monster you have created!