Well still waiting for rehab. They tried to tell me I needed to contribute £250 a week opposed to the general maximum of £50 a week as although I'm on benefits, I own my house.
They also tried to sabotage my benefits. After doing the latter they decided sans benefits I would need to pay £140 a week. Well I'm still getting benefits and my dad's paying for rehab!!
This means I can save between £1,000 - £1,500 while in there. Hopefully I can buy a new car when I'm out.
Until June I was still banging up cocaine at least once a week. Spending £50 - £100 per session. Now I'm only smoking £15 of crack once a week. When I'm off opiates (soon) I'll have to stop crack, so I'm just having a few final sessions before its all over.
My parents still spy on me. Generally never when I was abusing copious amounts of intravenous cocaine, but generally after I had drunk a couple of glasses of vino or had been smoking weed. Even if I had smoked a pissy amount of crack, after the 2 hour journey home I'd be stone cold sober and raiding the fridge. Instead of using common sense and thinking stimulants suppress the appetite and so does opiates, so she's sober, let's not do this shit, they continued.
And that pisses me off big time!!
I took 3 Nytols one night as my Ritalin keeps me awake and they did it.
I was awake late on a couple of Monday's due to my Ritalin and they did it. WTF I know. Did they think I had been tooting on a crack pipe or banging up all night in their house???
One night it was raining and I noticed these erratic drops of water splashing on my hand whilst I hung out the window to smoke. Almost as if they were trying to put my spliff out....
The rain was constant, therefore would would naturally assume any drips which came down, would too be constant. Every 5 seconds roughly for example. But these big drops where erratic and only when my hand was in a certain position. So I moved my hand in a repetitive rhythm and suddenly the drops lost their erratic nature and synced with my rhythm. Then I began to move my hand to an erratic rhythm meaning their stupid game of extinguish the splif just progressed to a harder level.
This only made me state I could return to intravenous diamorphine if they had a problem with me smoking weed.
Hypocritical as my mum is growing a skunk plant hey?
Yes Metropolitan Police, a senior employee is living in a house used to grow cannabis.
I try not to take my Ritalin over the weekend so I don't grow tolerant. Tolerance is what fuelled my decline into ethylphenidate abuse.
Therefore on Monday, as it is essentially a high dose of speed which I take daily, I suffer insomnia.
When my father realised I was awake he commenced spying.
I wrote this on my iPad for him to read
Seriously fuck off you cunt.
I don't take my medication over the weekends so I don't grow tolerant and look to take speed (legal / illegal) so when I take it on Mondays I struggle to fucking sleep.
You pathetic, privacy soul destroying twat.
Do you think I've been on the crack pipe all night or something. I've been sat here going fucking spaz that I can't sleep.
I'm on a high fucking dose of Ritalin. Get over it.
You doing this shit drives me to drugs.
Last week you did it over three fucking nytol.
If I even suspect you're snooping, or doing your bullshit psychosis act, I tell you what, if it happens again, I will go straight out and buy some legal speed and start banging up again.
Why not??? It's what you fucking expect.
Don't expect a card on Sunday, you'll be fucking lucky to get a bottle of brandy. Which I'm only buying coz I HAVE to. Not cos I love you
Why don't I love you? THIS US WHY! Sick of you doubting me.
Go have a heart attack. Please
This indeed broke my abstinence from using needles and I ended up having a small session.
I asked for a sleeping tablet after one of these nights, and I don't what the fuck they gave me. A 3.75mg zopiclone at least or a placebo. Come 3am I burst into tears stating i just wanted to fucking sleep.
Anyway the last time my brother came over to join in with my dad with their sick game of 'Let's Make J Hate Us Even More And Reinforce How Much We Enjoy Tormenting Her' I thought fuck it. This time, unlike the previous 2-3, I wasn't playing along.
Normally my dad and brother would walk down the stairs from the loft ensuring they stepped in sync, as if I wouldn't notice that it clearly sounded like my dad had suddenly transformed in weight to something similar to a baby elephant.
They'd both visit the bathroom where I assume my father would pour water down the toilet pretending to pee. Then they go down stairs and my father unlocks the door, pretending he wants to lock the porch door. However he would always open the porch door. This is completely unnecessary.... Unless someone was leaving.
So this time I kept my door open and stayed wide awake. I could hear them getting more frustrated as my brother wanted to leave. They go down stairs and I go too. They both dart into the toilet
'DON'T COME IN' my father shouted. With clear panic in his voice. My father leaves and I grab food I have no intention of eating. It's 3am. I should have checked the toilet, but at the time I was too full of adrenalin to think straight.
Clearly now my brother is down stairs and my father up. I return to my room leaving my door open.
Around 5.30am my father returns to the toilet slamming my door shut. I reopen it. After he's finished in the bathroom I hear him open my mother's bedroom door.
'SHE'S AWAKE!' He exclaims. Murmuring follows. Suddenly my dad enters the spare room, clearly dressing for work a good hour, hour and a half before he normally would.
Then at 5.55am he goes downstairs and I hear the front room door open. My brother is joining him. And off he goes to work.
No sleep for you evil fuckers! Torment me and I'll torment you.
If it happens again I have a better plan as to what I'm going to do. Two can play that game!!
When they spy on me for no reason it makes me hugely pissed. I come home and purposively show my arms and legs to their camera in my lightbulb.
My Aunty Michelle joined in when she was here. She exclaimed 'What's under her pillow?!' Upon me moving it. I immediately removed a packet of cat Dreamies I had stashed their to stop my cat from feeding himself. I was back at 10.30pm that night and neither she or my mother had the blue glow around their door frame indicating they were watching TV. Normally their TVs are on to well after midnight.
Last night they did this again, even though they had no reason to do so. I spat out with venom a monologue, 'YOU MAKE ME SICK, I WILL NEVER STOP DRUGS AND WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT I WILL KILL MYSELF. I CANNOT LIVE A LIFE WHERE I'M CONSUMED WITH THIS MUCH HATRED AND NEGATIVITY FOR MY FAMILY. AFTER REHAB I'M STRAIGHT BACK TO USING BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME SO MISERABLE AND ANGRY IT IS THE ONLY TIME I GET RELIEF FROM THESE FEELINGS, WHEN I AM HIGH'
Which is true. After rehab if I can't get my version of the truth public and if they don't decide to be honest, I will kill myself. I can't live a life with parents whom cause me to harbour such strong negative feelings. I was always so happy before. Even things like my termination or my neighbours from hell, didn't make me feel this much negativity.
My parents have destroyed me. I have mild paranoia thanks to them which I doubt will go. I look at my previous posts and can see the paranoia. Altering my clothes was one of the nasty acts they did.
I doubt I will ever get a job in education again, my career. If I write a book and do TV and magazine promotions I'll earn enough money so I can do my Level 3 & 4 in counselling and become a drugs counsellor. I'd enjoy that and when you're publicly famed for being a junkie it seems like one of few viable options for a career.
Ho hum, we shall see what comes. Maybe they'll have a change of heart and be honest. Maybe we'll have a relationship again. I highly doubt it.
