Today was the most surreal day I’ve had in my whole life. There are angels, who walk amongst us. I sincerely hope I have met one of these elusive human beings today.
I am still apprehensive with regards to the ‘game’ my family have authorised. I hope this is a genuine proposal.
As, if it is, I can now see a future in my life.
Since that dark period in my life, upon realising I had risen to fame, for what I like to call, ‘self medication of my ADHD’, whenever I have endeavoured to contemplate the future, there is nothing there.
My head is blank.
I’m grateful now, I can contemplate some kind of future, but it doesn’t stretch beyond 6 months.
To be honest, most weeks I struggle to imagine the next.
So this angel, who we shall call Mr X, is one of my new colleagues.
This is not the first time Mr X has approached me, attempting to get me to disclose my past, but his previous attempts have been dodged carefully on my behalf.
So I was leaving for lunch and he was returning. He called out to me in the street asking if I had a spare cigarette. So I stopped to give him one.
Queue some small talk about my new iPhone and then he threw a biggie. ‘I bet you have some interesting tales from your past?’
I’m fully aware that knowledge of my past and present is public knowledge. When I have had bad periods recently with regards to my sobriety, I am aware the public know.
The ‘stalking’ is stepped up a notch, which ultimately creates more anxiety and stress, which in turn makes sobriety harder and harder.
There was one week I felt nothing but negativity from my new colleagues and the disgust in their eyes was apparent. The previous week and subsequent weekend, I had relapsed badly upon some legal highs I had ordered weeks prior, finally arriving on my door step.
In hindsight, I believe maybe ‘they’ had been involved in this, as I have not ordered ANYTHING to this address for months. I know this order, which was not complete, should have not been delivered here.
But, just like when I naively took the substance I believed to be cocaine, only to realised it had been mixed with GHB (whilst I fought to remain conscious and find my old phone which had ‘vanished’) I stupidly took whatever this substance was and endured a weekend of pure abuse as they ensured their constant torrent of trauma 2 was present, destroying my life in the process.
From that point I noticed a different reception at work. J**, my line manager’s manager, at the time, was managing me. The report he wrote that week, was scathing and unfair. Suddenly I received no registrations, yet my part time colleague was fully booked all day. So, I did what I do best. And I worked my ass off to prove I was damn good at what I do (and queue the end of December and I’ve hit or exceeded every target!!)
When I attended training with my manager, he quickly walked in front of me, ensuring he was glued to his mobile phone. I could ‘feel’ the fact he didn’t want to be seen in public with me.
And whilst the frosty atmosphere has changed, I still notice my colleagues, walking at speed, away from me come 5pm and home time. Not wanting to upset anyone, I slow my pace and let them create a distance between myself and them.
Which is why today struck me as unusual. Not only was Mr X initiating small talk with me in public, but he was happy to be seen with me.
Netherless, congruency about my past will ultimately result in my P45 fluttering swiftly towards my direction so I kept refusing the requests to disclose any of my past.
However Mr X decided today he would not be defeated by my attempts of secrecy, so here’s the biggie....
‘I’m a mental health advocate and I’m working on a mental health project in my spare time.’ Now he had my attention, as I’m sure you’re aware, I too am a mental health advocate.
‘It’s about giving people with mental health problems a voice, a chance to tell their story’...
Well fuck me over! I was completely blown away at this comment. I have been speaking to N** and I’ve said to him a few times recently, ‘One day, I’ll get to tell my story, the truth, and it’ll be fucking big. Look at the attention I get in public. It’ll be massive and I won’t work a 9am - 5pm again!’
‘You see, I’ve had mental health problems,’ my colleague continued. ‘I’ve been sectioned. I was sexually abused from the age of 4’.....
The combination of having ADHD and being a Gemini means I desperately want to talk about my life with someone. Anyone. And, ensure their opinion of my sanity remains the same. ‘Yeah, I’ve been sectioned too. I was in Springfield’.
Mr X had already asked about my Xmas break and I made it clear there would be no family involved as I didn’t see eye to eye with them. However, Mr X had opened the flood gates now. I have desperately wanted to tell people my story. The truth. So before I thought about the consequences out came my story.
‘I was sectioned because my ‘family’ do nasty, evil sick things to me! And when I spoke about this, no one believed me, so I was locked away’.
Mr X disclosed suicide attempts. I told him, due to my ‘family’ I had tried twice in August. I told Mr X, they knew I had done this, my house was rigged up to be a house of horrors. CCTV included. Yet they continued their appalling stream of abuse. So one could only assume they wanted her to kill herself.
‘My problems stem from self medication of my ADHD, before I was medicated. All it took was one failed detox and they sold my fucking soul to the devil. You would not believe the nasty things they’ve done. I know when I get a chance to tell the truth, it will be big’
‘This will be big. I’m going to BBC radio next week to promote it, and Sony pictures is interested’
‘It needs to be big, because if my story comes out, ****** isn’t going to want to employ me anymore. I won’t be able to do a job like this again...’
‘It will be big, and no, you won’t be doing work like this, your whole life will change’.
We both ensured not to speak of our personal experiences in the work environment, and I left feeling something I haven’t felt for over 2 years. Positive about my future.
So, I’ve emailed his personal email.. I took screen shots of the numerous TV casting agents and book publishers who follow me. I told him I knew I had been in the Sun for taking drugs. I also made it clear what was written in the Sun was fabricated.
Now, which is typically ADHD of me... I’m hoping one has done the right thing. As always, the constant anxiety which ruins anything positive in my life, by ensuring there’s a negative to worry about, has reared it’s ugly head.
Sooooo
Negative Head
- Is this real?
- Has it just been set up by them?
- Has he just found a way to get me to disclose my pass
- Will he use the information to ensure I get more negativity
- IS HE FOR REAL?? FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT ME?? I thought it would be the book first!! 🤑🤗
Positive Head
- If it is real, I would definitely be any director’s first choice
- You’ve had a feeling you would get to tell the truth recently
- This means YOU HAVE A FUTURE!!
- You can finally escape them for good and be happy
- You can finally tell the public the TRUTH! Because when you do tell anyone the truth, they tend to start acting incredibly guilty with regards to their behaviour.
- No more dirty looks and judgement
- No more having to work 10 times harder to prove I’m a nice person
- A real incentive to stay clean. It’s worth it to expose those scumbags
I can only hope and pray this isn’t some sick twist in their disgusting game, with me as the only pawn in a world full of Kings and Queens.
Should it be the above, it’ll be another blow that edges me towards terminating my existence. This would shatter me completely. My suicide would definitely be a catalyst of Mr X playing horrible games with me...
But, I do get vibes and feelings off people, and if Mr X isn’t genuine, he should be in Eastenders mate! His acting skills are impeccable and his authentic self is ALWAYS hidden.
So God, I beg you, let this be my chance. The amount of unnecessary and frankly, down right disgusting abuse I’ve suffered at the hands of my family is completely unacceptable. The damage to my name and reputation, will NEVER be mended.
This, or something similar, seems like my only hope of having the life I want....
And if it is genuine, then I truly believe angels walk amongst us. Mr X is definitely an angel.
#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
🤞🏻 🤞🏼 🤞🏽 🤞🏾 🤞🏿
