❤️ Journal - Spring 2015

Dear God,

WHY!

The last year has involved me losing everything.

1) Expensive DIY on the house of horrors

2) Deterioration of possessions / clothes 

(2017 UPDATE - I believe this is related to toxic mould and mould mites. It correlates with what I’ve read. 1) my house is damp, the grouted tiles don’t stay down as the grout keeps coming up. I recon it’s damp underneath. 2) scabies treatment is known to be affective on mould mites and upon being prescribed some, I stopped scratching myself badly. 3) worse in damp weather. 4) sunlight, alcohol, tea tree, bleach, citrus etc. are affective, and used for mould. 5) Sunlight helps (mites die in sunlight. I could go on)

3) the fabrics in my car

4) Job 

5) precious and hardest Tsega (my cat who passed away)

6) family

I never could fathom they could be so cold, evil and nasty. They recreates my psychosis (2017 - I never had psychosis, it was all them! As heartbreaking, painful and angering as that statement is to write). Maybe I didn’t have psychosis before, as this is so similar.

Not content with stalking me, some thing I created, due to sheer terror, they ensured the whole world mass stalked me, most likely telling them, what a disgusting, junkie, whore I am.

Due to my ADHD incorporating an OCD to be perfect, I doubt I can live with the shame of everyone knowing I’m a failure.

I already hated myself. As I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Now I spend all day wishing I was DEAD!

I took 4 rispiridone and 4 diazepam and passed out in the freezing park. They knew I was there and they left me. 

Although it’s desperately sad, at least I’ll know if I up the dose and do it again, I’ll be left to die in peace, something that eludes my life.

I am a celebrity without the positives (money). I am stalked. Stalked by many big men, who could easily overpower me, late at night! I’m photographed in public. So many cars slow right down to 15 miles an hour with their headlights on full beam. 

I realised my iPad was bugged, the day I hid it in the bush and hid over the other side of the road. I then saw numerous, strange men, circle the bush where it was hidden. I AM NOT STUPID.

I’ve hid in the bushes, petrified in the church grave yard, too late at night for anyone else to be there. And constantly men would pass me, and police type sniffer dogs would be stopping when they discovered me.

Bar following me, staring at me and taking my photograph, there’s no interaction. In fact, should I interact with a ‘familiar’ stranger, they suddenly vanish from this game.

I can only assume I am to commit suicide. Possibly being sectioned first. If so, I will cheek my medication until i have a large enough dose to do it properly this time.

To date I’ve had 3 over doses (1 accidential). 2 emergency A&E visits via ambulance. The second of those visits with was with blue lights. I was in critical, urgent resus.

The near heart attacks I’ve had, have left me begging with God for mercy and not to take my life. It’s weird, but it’s only when I’m in those moments, that I want to live. As my life flashes through my eyes, and I realise I need to be here for Orion and Fyver.

These days I feel nothing but numb. I beg God to let me die peacefully in my sleep. I cannot take my life anymore. The family I need more than anything, don’t care. Regardless of how much I beg and plead, they still continue. Even my promise of sobriety isn’t enough to make them change their ways. They DO NOT care about my using.

They only care that they destroy me. And what a piece of shit that makes me. My own family turn the world on me, under the guise that they care about my drug use. Yet when I beg for their help, they go out of their way to ensure I don’t receive it. AND they make my life such a scary, miserable place to be.

I will never be me again. They’ve created a monster. I’ll never forgive them for that. I’m consumed with paranoia, hate and pity. They’ve made me crazy. I will be mentally ill forever due to their behaviour. The old me will never return. They’ve murdered me. I am truly dead to them.

Today I will probably be sectioned. Yes. Their crazy behaviour is unbelievable, I must suffer more.

I was told to be greatful it was only a 28 day section 2 opposed to a 6 month section 3.

20mg of olanzepam x 28 = 560mgs.

Enough for a fatal dose.

I can only prey the truth is told in my death.

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked