Other substances - WOW! I finally have some nevers!!
Sunday, 25 February 2018
❤️ Journal - Spring 2015
Dear God,
WHY!
The last year has involved me losing everything.
1) Expensive DIY on the house of horrors
2) Deterioration of possessions / clothes
(2017 UPDATE - I believe this is related to toxic mould and mould mites. It correlates with what I’ve read. 1) my house is damp, the grouted tiles don’t stay down as the grout keeps coming up. I recon it’s damp underneath. 2) scabies treatment is known to be affective on mould mites and upon being prescribed some, I stopped scratching myself badly. 3) worse in damp weather. 4) sunlight, alcohol, tea tree, bleach, citrus etc. are affective, and used for mould. 5) Sunlight helps (mites die in sunlight. I could go on)
3) the fabrics in my car
4) Job
5) precious and hardest Tsega (my cat who passed away)
6) family
I never could fathom they could be so cold, evil and nasty. They recreates my psychosis (2017 - I never had psychosis, it was all them! As heartbreaking, painful and angering as that statement is to write). Maybe I didn’t have psychosis before, as this is so similar.
Not content with stalking me, some thing I created, due to sheer terror, they ensured the whole world mass stalked me, most likely telling them, what a disgusting, junkie, whore I am.
Due to my ADHD incorporating an OCD to be perfect, I doubt I can live with the shame of everyone knowing I’m a failure.
I already hated myself. As I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. Now I spend all day wishing I was DEAD!
I took 4 rispiridone and 4 diazepam and passed out in the freezing park. They knew I was there and they left me.
Although it’s desperately sad, at least I’ll know if I up the dose and do it again, I’ll be left to die in peace, something that eludes my life.
I am a celebrity without the positives (money). I am stalked. Stalked by many big men, who could easily overpower me, late at night! I’m photographed in public. So many cars slow right down to 15 miles an hour with their headlights on full beam.
I realised my iPad was bugged, the day I hid it in the bush and hid over the other side of the road. I then saw numerous, strange men, circle the bush where it was hidden. I AM NOT STUPID.
I’ve hid in the bushes, petrified in the church grave yard, too late at night for anyone else to be there. And constantly men would pass me, and police type sniffer dogs would be stopping when they discovered me.
Bar following me, staring at me and taking my photograph, there’s no interaction. In fact, should I interact with a ‘familiar’ stranger, they suddenly vanish from this game.
I can only assume I am to commit suicide. Possibly being sectioned first. If so, I will cheek my medication until i have a large enough dose to do it properly this time.
To date I’ve had 3 over doses (1 accidential). 2 emergency A&E visits via ambulance. The second of those visits with was with blue lights. I was in critical, urgent resus.
The near heart attacks I’ve had, have left me begging with God for mercy and not to take my life. It’s weird, but it’s only when I’m in those moments, that I want to live. As my life flashes through my eyes, and I realise I need to be here for Orion and Fyver.
These days I feel nothing but numb. I beg God to let me die peacefully in my sleep. I cannot take my life anymore. The family I need more than anything, don’t care. Regardless of how much I beg and plead, they still continue. Even my promise of sobriety isn’t enough to make them change their ways. They DO NOT care about my using.
They only care that they destroy me. And what a piece of shit that makes me. My own family turn the world on me, under the guise that they care about my drug use. Yet when I beg for their help, they go out of their way to ensure I don’t receive it. AND they make my life such a scary, miserable place to be.
I will never be me again. They’ve created a monster. I’ll never forgive them for that. I’m consumed with paranoia, hate and pity. They’ve made me crazy. I will be mentally ill forever due to their behaviour. The old me will never return. They’ve murdered me. I am truly dead to them.
Today I will probably be sectioned. Yes. Their crazy behaviour is unbelievable, I must suffer more.
I was told to be greatful it was only a 28 day section 2 opposed to a 6 month section 3.
20mg of olanzepam x 28 = 560mgs.
Enough for a fatal dose.
I can only prey the truth is told in my death.
#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
❤️ Possibly The Best Day Of My Life???
Today was the most surreal day I’ve had in my whole life. There are angels, who walk amongst us. I sincerely hope I have met one of these elusive human beings today.
I am still apprehensive with regards to the ‘game’ my family have authorised. I hope this is a genuine proposal.
As, if it is, I can now see a future in my life.
Since that dark period in my life, upon realising I had risen to fame, for what I like to call, ‘self medication of my ADHD’, whenever I have endeavoured to contemplate the future, there is nothing there.
My head is blank.
I’m grateful now, I can contemplate some kind of future, but it doesn’t stretch beyond 6 months.
To be honest, most weeks I struggle to imagine the next.
So this angel, who we shall call Mr X, is one of my new colleagues.
This is not the first time Mr X has approached me, attempting to get me to disclose my past, but his previous attempts have been dodged carefully on my behalf.
So I was leaving for lunch and he was returning. He called out to me in the street asking if I had a spare cigarette. So I stopped to give him one.
Queue some small talk about my new iPhone and then he threw a biggie. ‘I bet you have some interesting tales from your past?’
I’m fully aware that knowledge of my past and present is public knowledge. When I have had bad periods recently with regards to my sobriety, I am aware the public know.
The ‘stalking’ is stepped up a notch, which ultimately creates more anxiety and stress, which in turn makes sobriety harder and harder.
There was one week I felt nothing but negativity from my new colleagues and the disgust in their eyes was apparent. The previous week and subsequent weekend, I had relapsed badly upon some legal highs I had ordered weeks prior, finally arriving on my door step.
In hindsight, I believe maybe ‘they’ had been involved in this, as I have not ordered ANYTHING to this address for months. I know this order, which was not complete, should have not been delivered here.
But, just like when I naively took the substance I believed to be cocaine, only to realised it had been mixed with GHB (whilst I fought to remain conscious and find my old phone which had ‘vanished’) I stupidly took whatever this substance was and endured a weekend of pure abuse as they ensured their constant torrent of trauma 2 was present, destroying my life in the process.
From that point I noticed a different reception at work. J**, my line manager’s manager, at the time, was managing me. The report he wrote that week, was scathing and unfair. Suddenly I received no registrations, yet my part time colleague was fully booked all day. So, I did what I do best. And I worked my ass off to prove I was damn good at what I do (and queue the end of December and I’ve hit or exceeded every target!!)
When I attended training with my manager, he quickly walked in front of me, ensuring he was glued to his mobile phone. I could ‘feel’ the fact he didn’t want to be seen in public with me.
And whilst the frosty atmosphere has changed, I still notice my colleagues, walking at speed, away from me come 5pm and home time. Not wanting to upset anyone, I slow my pace and let them create a distance between myself and them.
Which is why today struck me as unusual. Not only was Mr X initiating small talk with me in public, but he was happy to be seen with me.
Netherless, congruency about my past will ultimately result in my P45 fluttering swiftly towards my direction so I kept refusing the requests to disclose any of my past.
However Mr X decided today he would not be defeated by my attempts of secrecy, so here’s the biggie....
‘I’m a mental health advocate and I’m working on a mental health project in my spare time.’ Now he had my attention, as I’m sure you’re aware, I too am a mental health advocate.
‘It’s about giving people with mental health problems a voice, a chance to tell their story’...
Well fuck me over! I was completely blown away at this comment. I have been speaking to N** and I’ve said to him a few times recently, ‘One day, I’ll get to tell my story, the truth, and it’ll be fucking big. Look at the attention I get in public. It’ll be massive and I won’t work a 9am - 5pm again!’
‘You see, I’ve had mental health problems,’ my colleague continued. ‘I’ve been sectioned. I was sexually abused from the age of 4’.....
The combination of having ADHD and being a Gemini means I desperately want to talk about my life with someone. Anyone. And, ensure their opinion of my sanity remains the same. ‘Yeah, I’ve been sectioned too. I was in Springfield’.
Mr X had already asked about my Xmas break and I made it clear there would be no family involved as I didn’t see eye to eye with them. However, Mr X had opened the flood gates now. I have desperately wanted to tell people my story. The truth. So before I thought about the consequences out came my story.
‘I was sectioned because my ‘family’ do nasty, evil sick things to me! And when I spoke about this, no one believed me, so I was locked away’.
Mr X disclosed suicide attempts. I told him, due to my ‘family’ I had tried twice in August. I told Mr X, they knew I had done this, my house was rigged up to be a house of horrors. CCTV included. Yet they continued their appalling stream of abuse. So one could only assume they wanted her to kill herself.
‘My problems stem from self medication of my ADHD, before I was medicated. All it took was one failed detox and they sold my fucking soul to the devil. You would not believe the nasty things they’ve done. I know when I get a chance to tell the truth, it will be big’
‘This will be big. I’m going to BBC radio next week to promote it, and Sony pictures is interested’
‘It needs to be big, because if my story comes out, ****** isn’t going to want to employ me anymore. I won’t be able to do a job like this again...’
‘It will be big, and no, you won’t be doing work like this, your whole life will change’.
We both ensured not to speak of our personal experiences in the work environment, and I left feeling something I haven’t felt for over 2 years. Positive about my future.
So, I’ve emailed his personal email.. I took screen shots of the numerous TV casting agents and book publishers who follow me. I told him I knew I had been in the Sun for taking drugs. I also made it clear what was written in the Sun was fabricated.
Now, which is typically ADHD of me... I’m hoping one has done the right thing. As always, the constant anxiety which ruins anything positive in my life, by ensuring there’s a negative to worry about, has reared it’s ugly head.
Sooooo
Negative Head
- Is this real?
- Has it just been set up by them?
- Has he just found a way to get me to disclose my pass
- Will he use the information to ensure I get more negativity
- IS HE FOR REAL?? FUCKING MOVIE ABOUT ME?? I thought it would be the book first!! 🤑🤗
Positive Head
- If it is real, I would definitely be any director’s first choice
- You’ve had a feeling you would get to tell the truth recently
- This means YOU HAVE A FUTURE!!
- You can finally escape them for good and be happy
- You can finally tell the public the TRUTH! Because when you do tell anyone the truth, they tend to start acting incredibly guilty with regards to their behaviour.
- No more dirty looks and judgement
- No more having to work 10 times harder to prove I’m a nice person
- A real incentive to stay clean. It’s worth it to expose those scumbags
I can only hope and pray this isn’t some sick twist in their disgusting game, with me as the only pawn in a world full of Kings and Queens.
Should it be the above, it’ll be another blow that edges me towards terminating my existence. This would shatter me completely. My suicide would definitely be a catalyst of Mr X playing horrible games with me...
But, I do get vibes and feelings off people, and if Mr X isn’t genuine, he should be in Eastenders mate! His acting skills are impeccable and his authentic self is ALWAYS hidden.
So God, I beg you, let this be my chance. The amount of unnecessary and frankly, down right disgusting abuse I’ve suffered at the hands of my family is completely unacceptable. The damage to my name and reputation, will NEVER be mended.
This, or something similar, seems like my only hope of having the life I want....
And if it is genuine, then I truly believe angels walk amongst us. Mr X is definitely an angel.
#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
🤞🏻 🤞🏼 🤞🏽 🤞🏾 🤞🏿
❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 3
Herbal highs - Long before legal highs became a thing, I ventured into the herbal high market. I first tried Morning Glory Seeds (Woodrose) when I was 28. It was during the time I was reducing my crack and heroin consumption. I was basically trying to find ANYTHING else which would fill the gap my £100 a day crack and heroin habit was consuming. They tasted disgusitng, made me feel like I had an upset stomach for 60mins... then the walls and duvet started moving!! Well like it had a ripple effect. My Ex R** had some too and they made him really horny. I didn’t fancy sex at all!!
Ephedrine - used long ago in the past for weight loss, between the ages of 23-25. And again in the last year (Jan - April) for the same reason. They’re shit and didn’t really do much.
Guarana - again year ago, but this is also in energy drinks and tablets.
Ibogaine - a miracle opiate cure I tried aged 30. Maybe worth trying again if I got right down to 0.1mg of subbie. Worked initially but 6 weeks after I was offically perscribed buprenorphine due to really bad Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWs). I will blog about this experience if I haven’t already.
Opium - tried recently. Banged the disgusting mixture up. Won’t do that again. Did give me opiate itch. Better rectal in my opinion.
❤️ Global Drugs Survey 2018 - Take Part
Have a go, believe my old ADHD psyche still works on this, the Nutty P
https://surveys.globaldrugsurvey.com/s3/Global-Drug-Survey-2018
#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked
❤️ DAMN DAMN DAMN - LOST SO MUCH
I have just realising all the wiping of my phone has meant I’ve lost ALL the posts I had saved in offline and drafts!!
Damn damn damn! There was a LOT there.
Oh well, I bastards haven’t won yet, I’m still fighting!
My focus is now to get clean. I’m down from 120mg diazepam to 5-10mg
Gonna get some Zopiclone sorted for Xmas holiday and knock that addiction in the head.
Sorted out alcohol addiction before I started my new job, and whilst I am partial to a couple of drinks before bed, I don’t psychically need to have a drink anymore.
New year, I’ll be getting off opiates!!!
I have no doubt that due to my high tolerance, in order not to interfere with work, it’s gonna take me a year.
Then I’ll be full steam ahead with regards of getting ‘MY STORY’ aka THE TRUTH told.
Judging by the type of followers I have on Twitter, sobriety will result in a lot of interest in getting the truth out.
And then those people will finally be recognised as the nasty, evil, sick, twisted humans they actually are and their lies about how I’m such a terrible terrible junkie, who needs surveillance 24-7, shall be exposed.
It’s the only thing keeping me going.
The truth WILL come out regardless. Either I’ll commit suicide and there are several people who will make sure the media get this blog and the rest of my handwritten notes, or I’ll live. And when I’m clean, I will fight until I do get to tell my story.
If they keep on eventually I’ll break. They’ll push me to suicide. And, this will only make them look so much worse.
No matter how disgusting they behave, if I’m alive they will receive a better reception than if the media gets this blog after I’ve hung myself (no nice overdose on fentanyl either as they’ve made sure I didn’t get my order, those bastards want me to suffer!)
Which does leave me to wonder why they still torment me and push me to kill myself? Confused.com?
But I know, for me to be successful in disclosing the truth, I have to be clean. It’s a blessing in disguise actually.
I have NEVER imagined a future without drugs. But exposing these pieces of shit makes it worthwhile.
Oh, and alcohol and weed... it’ll never happen. I have crazy bad ADHD, my head comes alive at the night time... I will ALWAYS need something to help me to relax.
Preferably weed, as alcohol is more detrimental.
I’ll still take a benzo or Zopiclone on a Sunday, so I’m not awake at 2am.
And I’m still likely to accept the offer of a free line of coke... But... I WILL NOT BE ADDICTED TO ANYTHING, NOR USE REGULARLY!!
Bar cannabis, I’ll happy give you clean piss tests on demand.
For now... keep blogging, keep exposing the nasty pawns playing their game, keep reducing my opiates, keep getting my old notes on here, buy a nice house as far away from these people as possible and keep fighting their nasty behaviour.
The more stupid things they indulge in, the better my story will be.. more interest.. more people offering financial rewards for working with me.. I know my career will be over if I disclose the truth.. I need to ensure I’m financially sound.
Anyway, the more nasty behaviour they ensure I receive whilst I’m fighting so hard to sort myself out, will only reflect more negatively on them.
When people realise I work incredibly hard in my job, I have a mortgage, bar 2 years I have ALWAYS worked and contributed to society both financially and in the employment I do. I care for animals, give to charity, am honest, kind and caring the more guilt and remorse they’ll feel.
If I tell the truth out loud when a Junkette (stalker) is around they ALWAYS get such an aura of guilt. Clearly displayed on their face and as I pick up people’s feelings, I also feel the guilt oozing from their pours!
Remember, whilst they’ve tormented me I’ve begged and begged for them to stop and sincerely stated I would stop drugs. I’ve even told them, should this have happened recently when bad, I would sell my house and fund rehab for 6 months myself. If only they would stop tormenting me and be honest with me.
I have even begged in real life for their help, only to have them dismiss my claims as due to drug abuse.
I’ve been soooo ill recently. And even on good days, I’m not myself! Seeing as my drug use as dramatically reduced and this has only resulted in myself feeling so much worse physically, it’s clear there’s an underlying reason for my physical and mental decline, that’s NOT drug related.
I even looked my mother in the eye and told her, for me to ask for her help, and to be honest about my recent drug use (although we both know the truth! They watch me daily and I know they’re doing it.. we just pretend face to face that none of this happens!), is surely is an expression of my desperation.
Although her verbal reply didn’t agree with me, the look in her eyes said it all.
Anyway, don’t want to be all negative, so wanted to add my positives that I can remember from the past week
1) Excellent service from Apple geniuses. They did not doubt my story about my phone vanishing for hours and being hacked and went above and beyond to help me
2) Great fun following Junkettes back. Will tell you about my little follower who completely freaked please out when I turned the tables and followed him! Hilarious! I’m 5’6 and weigh 8.8lbs. I’m tiny! Majority of Junkettes are big grown ass men.
3) Smacked it at work! Found LOADS of unclaimed certificates (funding) and registrations that hadn’t been uploaded (more funding). Even one registration that hadn’t been uploaded WITH a certificate!! So I’ve hit the qualification target and probably wiped the deficit. Found a few complete unclaimed registrations too, so I still have a week, but I’ve hit my 11 registrations. I have four 6 month outcomes and I only need 3. I just need 2 more job outcomes to hit that target.
4) I have a new toy! iPhone X!! Still pissing myself I can be a singing emoji! And face recognition. In public I’ve decided if I have an audience I shall pull weird faces when I want to unlock my iPhone. I’m already giggling about that one. Plus, it’ll draw more attention to the £1,000 phone in my hands, contradicting the bullshit people believe about me being a complete junkie.
5) Found out my niece is called P****. P**** and P****. Doubt I’ll ever see her 😔. Anyway, bought them both a limited edition teddy for Xmas, opposed to buying lots of little things. P**** (realised you cannot distinguish who I’m talking about, older child), is getting Lola bear (one of my favourites!) and there was only 1,500 Lola’s made. Baby P is getting Lucy bear, and only 1,000 of this one.
I had decided on Lola for big P, ages ago. Didn’t know if they would have a boy or girl (well I thought it would be a girl, but didn’t want to buy for a girl and jinx it). I also liked Lucy and another white bear. So I asked my mum which ones she liked and she liked Lucy and a different bear to my other favourite. So I decided on Lucy. And I’m glad, as although they’re different styles of bear, across the Silver Tag range, they’re quite similar.
Both cost around £70.
Anyway, so off track, here are the bears below! Available on Amazon.
Going to go, as I need to clean, but hopefully will post more before today is over!!
❤️ ADHD Part 1
Imagine waking up each day to a whirlwind of energy. One in your head. One just below your rib cage.
The chaos in your head is present all day. You have no reasonable trail of thoughts. 'Where's my keys', 'that wall needs painting', 'oh there's a squirrel', 'what was I looking for again', 'oh no I have a work meeting', 'oh yeah my keys', 'great I'm running late now', 'here's the keys', 'Oyster Card'.... my thoughts are bizarre and flit from topic to topic. 'Imagine if I went back to Shakespeare's time and tried to explain text abbreviations', 'I feel like a Victorian collecting my cocaine (Ritalin) and opiates (buprenorphine) from a pharmacy'... my colleagues got used to my conversations which would start as if we had already been discussing the subject for an hour.
My head constantly races. As I child I had a speech impediment. I stuttered badly. This was because my mouth could not keep up with the speed of my head.
If it's not racing.... and I'm not interrupting you (or fidgeting) don't fall for the pretence that I'm actually listening to you... I've zoned out. I'm away with the fairies. This is the only time I've noticed my fidgeting stops. I'm mainly hyperactive ADHD, so these moments are fleeting and brief.
My racing head never stops. As a child I always struggled to sleep due to it. So discovering a substance aged 13 which did slow my head down and allow me to sleep, was the start of my journey to drug addiction.
Then ball of energy in my stomach, is filled with anxiety. It causes me to constantly move. Unless I'm hyper focused which I'll go into later. Unless I'm holding the meeting, therefore doing all the talking, I have never sat in a meeting for longer than 30-45 minutes without getting up to 'go to the toilet' which I honestly didn't need. I just needed to get up. In all my GCSEs and ALevel exams I excused myself to use the toilet.
In rehab I had 210 counselling group sessions. I never made it through a single one without getting up.
I try to bounce my leg up and down. Reason being, if I keep my legs still, my arms will move. And then my jewellery will make noise, thus proving more distracting. I will frantically twist my hair. If someone dares points out my annoying quirk, it just creates more anxiety and more movement.
In one of my jobs, it was notorious for bad retention as it was chaotic. My predecessor managed 2 years but prior to that, no one passed the 6 month mark. I was there for 7 years.
Coordinating 400'students, their DBS checks, 300 employers and their health and safety paperwork and 20 tutors, suited my ADHD just fine. Sending an email whilst on the phone... easy. Constant distraction during tasks.. perfect. I know it's a disability, but it has a few superpowers. But you need to harness them.
I am anally organised. As I was diagnosed so late, i had to be. Bump into me when I'm 20 seconds away from my desk and ask me to do something... I'll forget. Staff quickly learnt if they wanted me to do something they needed to send me an email. It would sit in my inbox until I had actioned it, then it was deleted.
I'm either stupidly early, or 5-15 mins late. I'll be getting ready and then get distracted.
People are constantly annoyed as I just blurt things out while they are talking. I sometimes even pinch my lips when I'm aware I'm doing this.
I always rush around. I can't dawdle, the energy inside me doesn't allow it.
I have only found the ability to truly relax when I've smoked weed, drunk alcohol, taken a benzo or opiates.
I'm pretty such I'll rely on weed for the rest of my life to relax. It's the less detrimental of the substances listed above.
I cannot queue.... hopefully the post office will be messy so I can tidy the leaflets. Otherwise I'll be moving the signs and messing with the queue belts.
Driving... really I should forget driving. The level of anger at other people's stupidity makes me quite a dangerous driver. Thankfully I've never caused an accident bar the occasional gentle bump to the driver in front (never causing damage... that's why cars have bumpers which is a sentence I've used several times. One bloke was so nasty and aggressive after going home and checking there was absolutely no damage he left a rather sheepish voicemail apologising... admittedly I was skinning up a b spliff at the time which is why I didn't brake in time).
Crowds also cause me anxiety. I generally avoid Brixton between 3-7pm due to the crowds. I can't walk at the speed I feel comfortable, I can't control the slow people, the ones who just stop in he middle of the pavement for no reason...
The urge to talk and move are out of my control. I cannot control it anymore than someone with Tourette's can control their ticks. And just like people with Tourette's, if you mention either, it only gets worse.
While I love the ability to do 3 things at once, the energy, excelling in situations other people find distracting and the perceived confidence I give off with my manic chatting, I HATE having ADHD.
Unlike Tourette's, people don't understand it. Including my own family. My mother had told me before not to say ADHD is a disability... but if it wasn't, would I be where I am now?!
There was a girl with Tourette's on the tube recently, and each time she ticked, unlike everyone else, my head automatically turned to look. I couldn't stop it! I noticed in rehab that I automatically look when I see or hear anything distracting.
I am blessed with a high IQ. Aged 7 I regularly completed the Mensa puzzles in the Sun. Even to a point my father offered to pay for me to be a member. This is the only reason why I've fumbled through life reasonably. I think the statistics are around 80% of prisoners have ADHD.
I still don't read properly. I race through books missing many words. It takes a lot of concentration to sit and read each word in my head.
My ADHD also encompasses OCD. This was noted on my assessment. Not to the point where I'll get physically distressed if you move an object... but I have a need to be the best. And EVERYTHING does have a correct place it need to be. And an order. My wardrobe has to be warmest coats to coolest jackets. Then dresses, then work trousers, then jeans, then track suits, then big chunky jumpers and cardigans, then plain vest and t-shirts, then plain jumpers and small cardigans, then going out tops, then small hoodies, then strapless tops, then shorts and skirts in order of length. Knickers and bras in one draw. Socks and tights in the next, belts and accessories after that, then scarves and winter hats, then bikinis, then party stuff and fancy dress.
My cutlery has to be spoons, knives, forks and then tea spoons.
My stationary has to be separated in to pencils, pens, highlighters and felt tips.
Even the bottles (ornaments types) have to be in height order. And once I move my CDs and DVDs will be alphabetical.
Shelves, clocks and pictures have to be centred and measured not just once, nor twice, but three times (thanks dad!)
Every appointment has to be put in my calendar.
Being perfect is the aim. Knowing I am being watched and most likely constantly criticised only makes me even more anxious.
I hate answering the phone from people I don't know. Emails are better for me. I rarely answer calls I don't know. Again anxiety.
I constantly stress about whether I've turned my hair straighteners off, or locked my door.
I NEVER get respite. My mother used to say I was a worrier as a child... no, I had chronic anxiety as a child.
So discovering weed was the start to my road to addiction hell. It calmed my mind. I could finally chill and relax... but it also made me lazy and gain weight.
Then I discovered stimulants. While I still had bounds of energy, I could finally concentrate. I would actually finish a job or project I started. My thoughts had a natural trail, from talking about work, to taking about my colleagues, to talking about something I could relate to from my colleagues. No longer did every noise, flash of light or movement force my head to turn.
All the tasks which gave me chronic anxiety (dealing with my post for example) were complete with ease.
Whilst of course the stimulartory properties gave me energy and made me very talkative, my head was at peace.
One of my jobs, the first year I was addicted to crack and heroin. Nobody guessed a thing. When I was clean and getting stressed at my workload which had increased to unmanageable levels, people thought I was on drugs.
Caffeine, another example, if I drink too much I get drowsy. I won't sleep, but I'm drowsy.
When I was first prescribed Ritalin it was magic. It was like smoking crack all day without the come down and fiending for more. My dad was being a dick and I didn't explode. My mother always thought I didn't have ADHD until that day.
Now... i need Ritalin to feel nornal. Just like an opiate addict no longer getting high from opiates... I cannot get out of bed without it.
I purchased Adderall and the magic returned. Calm, anxious free head. It didn't have the energy boost methylphenidate has, but my head was normal.
In the U.K. There's only two amphetamine based drugs. The controls release one didn't work on me and my ADHD psyche refused to let me have the instant release, although I had completed rehab and was clean. The deterioration of the effect from Ritalin and the fact I was still heavily judged on my past and not allowed a medicine which may have worked is part of my downfall.
The worst thing is, as now I've experience a normal head... I want it more than anything!! I haven't had a break from my Ritalin In a while, but Sunday I've promised myself one.
Oh yeah, I forgot... hyper focus... if I'm super interested in something I will obsess and obsess. I played the SIMs once for 18 hours with no breaks.
So there's ADHD in a nut shell. It's exhausting, relentless, constant and the cravings I get to use stimulants aren't like normal cravings which last an hour and go... they get worse and worse until I give in and use.
ADHD is a disability. I certainly would not be a junkie mess if I didn't have it.
Please take my condition seriously.
My head doesn't produce dopamine. My meds (and stimulants) do.. Diabetics don't produce insulin. Their meds do. What's the difference?
Bless. Jay x
❤️ THIS BLOG IS TEMPORARILY CLOSED!!!!
Hey, all my readers.
Unfortunately due to the massive amount of missing post, and the subsequent duplication of posts, the awful formatting etc. I see no other option but to temporarily close this blog.
Very soon all blog post will be removed.... and then, re-added. In sequential order! Making my future screen play / biography, much easiest. So every cloud and all!!!
Plus, back when I started, the number of readers I had was hit and miss. These days, I get 200 hits on days I don’t post.
So, now every single post will be re-done, with photos / media, and promoted heavily
So, whilst this breaks my heart, that so much time and effort over the last 3 years has gone to waste.... I’ll be back. I bigger and better.
#Itsnotaboutthedrugs
@Gemma_Stalked
❤️ 31st July 2015 - Journal
Today I got a new tattoo!!!
The symbol on the left. It means karma. The actions you undertake will return to you. A lot of people did a lot of nasty things to me when I needed help not abandonment. Saves me tying to get revenge. To be honest if I take revenge it would be by taking my life.
The other tattoo is new beginnings.
I also have
My boy! Favourite tattoo.
Finally
A mother and daughter symbol. Tempted to have it covered up, but mum was never as mean and nasty as my father, so it may stay.
Hmmmmm
Jay
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