❤️ THEY FUCKING DATE RAPE DRUGGED ME TO REHACK PHONE

Well they’ve fucked up my life, and I can’t fight anymore guys. Hopefully before I’m sectioned I can get my diaries and update this blog with a lot of info from 2015.

Upon release, I will kill myself.

No ifs. No buts.

So last night, I arrived home to an unlocked door. Had a really bad day at work, so this was enough to have me getting a delivery... drugs not food, of course.

So I started to clean up the mess that’s accumulated in my house. Since selling the house I’ve got a little lazy. Especially upstairs. As long as down stairs is presentable, I’m happy.

However after another weekend from hell with N, needless to say it was a bit of a shit heap.

Anyway. Since having my phone fixed Monday, it’s worked great. No whispering noises. My alarm worked... so I had my phone on charge last night and washed my hair. I left my phone on charge, on the sofa, in the front room.

It was late and by the time I had brought my hair tongs and styling products down stairs it was around 11.30pm.

Then queue 12am.... my phone had vanished. I started to panick, already being super late for work on Monday coz it was smashed to smithereens on Sunday and didn’t work at all.

Therefore I had no alarm, ended up at work midday. Got phoned fixed. All of a sudden the ‘whispering’ had vanished. My phone worked fine. No trouble using TOR. No getting hot. 

Great! Few drinks, benzos and ambien.

Yesterday I had a shit day at work. I had a racist customer who really racist and upset me.

But I worked hard, and arrived home tired.... to an unlocked door. I needed no other incentive to buy a smoke.

This gave me some energy and motivation to clean my house, which desperately needed.

As my ADHD has been bad, the moments of calmness has decreased. So an additional stimulant to calm my mind has been a necessity. 

Immediately I panicked, searching everywhere. I tried to get N’s PC to work so I could use where’s my iPhone.... no joy. All of a sudden this wouldn’t work.

So I began to search. When upstairs I noticed a pin with about 40mgs of what I assumed was cocaine and blood. It was a dark brown colour. I should have known there’s NO WAY I’d leave a hit of coke. But the junkie in me thought I’d bang it up anyway.

I felt the coke immediately.... then I went down stairs. All of a sudden I felt myself losing consciousness. I began to pass out.

But the thought of my alarm kept me fighting. Stumbling all over the place I decided to secure my back door and bedroom doors with ropes, meaning even with keys, they could not be opened.

By the time I went down stairs my phone was in the middle of the front room floor. 

I stupidly neglected to place something in front of the front door.

Hardly able to stay awake I set alarms for 6am, 6.30am and 7am. 

By now it was 3.30am.

I awoke at 9.05am and saw the alarm still ringing on my phone. 

I immediately panicked. Phoned my old social worker, MDART, screaming historically I would now lose my job. Especially after Monday.

Then my manager phoned. I do have a nasty cut on my toe so told him I had thought I sent an email at 8.30am that I was at my doctors as I believed their was glass in it and they had told me to go St. George’s. I had only realised I hadn’t actually pushed send 5 mins prior to him calling. It was clear I was having a break down.

He told me it was ok and to go hospital. 

Then I’ve got the GP calling to see if I wanted to speak to their psyche. Said no fucking way, I’d speak to Dr. P when she was back next week.

Next I had my social worker trying to convince me to see PALS at St. George’s. Again I knew speaking to a psyche would mean a one way ticket to Springfield, so refused. 

Spent the whole day in a anxious mess. I finally was out at 2.15pm and lied saying I was waiting for an antibiotic script.

Thankfully when I spoke to my he was understanding.

So it turns out changing my phone screen meant my phone was no longer being hacked.

So they stole my phone, drugged me (knowing I would not leave a pin with a substance in) and kept me up till 3am... just so they can nose on every aspect of my life. And as a result I almost lost my job. 

I have also discovered the reason why I kept ‘sleeping’ through my alarms and relying on N to wake me up because my default alarm tone to ‘none’

This has only been a problem since I’ve been working. Clearly they’re trying to sabotage my employment!! What the fuck!!!

Will reach this perfectly fine phone screen tomorrow and change all passcodes and finger prints.

They are lucky I’m fucking smashing my work targets otherwise I would have hung myself if I lost my job.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Merry Xmas 2017

Just to say Happy Christmas.

I’m pissed. Google has been lying. Said there was pubs open!

Never mind S**** from Uber has just got a nice £5 tip for driving me back. Fuck it! It’s Xmas. He’s got a little baby and is working today. So must need the ££.

I’ve been trying to not have my meds... yeah that hasn’t worked. Yesterday I was in some semi conscious coma, and gave up at 3.30pm and took some. I was sooo snappy and miserable.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a full day off. In rehab I would do the coating and maybe a bit later sublingual. And I was only on 56mgs then. So prior to rehab.  

I’m on 90mgs now... and can’t remember the last time I had a full day off.

Even today I started getting chronic anxiety. I didn’t wanna take any as I really wanted to eat dinner. Few pulls of a spliff and I was nearly passing out. The anxiety made me feel sick.

So I took some. Woke up. Felt better. Lost my appetite for dinner. Did ‘force your self to eat coz you know you would be hungry minus Ritalin’, which kills any enjoyment.

Ok, I have a Twitter friend who we shall know as ADHD S. This dude has some major talent, but I’m getting a vibe, he lacks confidence in his abilities as he wrote some BLAM screen play and his idea was nicked.

I’ve literally glanced over his script. I’m dyslexic, so know I need to print this to read it properly.

Anyway, it’s made me realise just how far I’ve got to go, to get my story to the media.

I’m hoping, he’s on Team J! 

I definitely want him in my story.

My idea is...

Telling my life story through my eyes. The audience only sees what I see, and can hear my thoughts. 

I want to include other people’s stories of ADHD intertwined with mine.

I also want ADHD experts, addiction experts, maybe the surrogate mum from my rehab (the manager J****).

Right at the end I’ll look in the mirror and you’ll see me. 

I may struggle to meet anyone in real life.

Oh, good news! My lovely R*** still wants to know me!!

Gotta go... seeing that screen play makes me wanna sort my blog out so I can get to that point. 

Jay x x

#Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ Global Drug Survey - My Answers Part 1

Ok, I’ve sorted out my screen shots, and I’m going to post them in short sections, as that previous post is a serious mess!!

Global Drugs Survey - Drugs I’ve Used

❤️ September - 9th September 2017 - Journal

Last week was bad! We used every day Monday to Friday. N brought crack home Monday and Tuesday, I bought coke Wednesday and then Thursday both the gram I ordered to N’s and and replacement half a gram (which was sent here! Fucking lucky to get it!!) arrived.

I think the only reason the half arrived here is the bloke on Dream Market said he would resend and I replied saying to send it to N’s address. He clearly had sent it before I sent that message. So my family, expecting it at N’s, didn't intercept my post here.

I also had 3 job interviews... if I don't get one, surely I'm famous again and everyone knows I'm a drug abuser. I definitely got that feeling in my last interview on Thursday.

I'm gutted. That means there's no other option other than moving to Plymouth. I can't start again in London. That's been taken away from me.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason. 

Famous J x

❤️ My Readers! Please Post A Comment

The only person brave enough to reply!

I read because I used to know you... because I have dabbled in crack, coke and other stuff, because I lived with a functioning heroin addict. Because you write about it well and so I can see how you are doing at the moment

❤️ My Readers! Please Post A Comment

This is a post from a few weeks ago, but I’ve only had one reply. I’m still getting 100 views a day minimum, and if I write a new post it’s around 200-400 views.

I know I publicise on Twitter, but I get a lot of views from countries who I am sure I’m not connected to.

Hopefully one day, I’ll be as popular as Memories Of A Heroin Head, a blog i used to read frequently. The author gets a lot of people commenting on his blog. 

I’d really love to know how you have come across my blog. I have a lot of readers who are from outside the United Kingdom. 

I’d love to know how you know about my blog?

Do you read it regularly?

If use a search engine, what words do you search?

I have to admit it is very flattering that so many people outside the UK read this. That being a typical gemini I’m also really curious too. If you be so kind to post a quick reply in the comment section I would be very grateful. 

I am now up to 17,629 views all time

Below is The older post. 

I had 313 page views yesterday!!

313!

117 today.

1,399 this month

15,859 all time!

Wow!

Still I can’t help wondering if you’re all reading just to have a preview into a dirty junkie’s life, and actually want to get to understand me, ADHD and addictob.

My negative head says ‘you all hate me, wanna snoop on my dirty junkie life’. But I read memories of a heroin head which is.a heroin addict’s blog and I read it because it’s interesting, I can relate, it’s interesting and I can emphasis.

I’d love you to comment and say why you clicked here today x x

❤️ 06th April 2015 - Journal

Today I received an email from R***, my drug addiction Counsellor. She's asked to see me at 3pm on Monday. Her email was very unexpected. Recently I have neglected my counselling, so I knew due to her initiating communication the outcome could not be good.

My drug use has sky rocketed, being the UK's most favourite junkie has certainly encouraged me to use more. As ethylphenidate has a relatively short half life, within half an hour, any euphoria has vanished completely, putting the carpet cleaner, of the same name, into second place.

By 2-4 hours any positive effects are slowly diminishing and the 'come down' starts to crescive slowly until negativity surpasses positivity.

My cool calm head starts to pick up its pace. As if I'm Lewis Hamilton, in a formula one racing car at Brands Hatch.

It jumps and flits from subject to subject, with no clear route from thought to thought. 'Look at the robin', 'that cloud looks like a fish', 'where can I bang up?', 'my jumper's itchy'. Thought after thought. Constantly, unrelentingly chaotic.

The anxiety begins to cause a pain in my chest. As if I have a large ball of spinning energy. The feeling of dread and doom radiating from the bottom of my rib cage, spreading through my body. 

The anxiety and chaos in my head is undoubtedly increased due to psychosis by mum and dad naturally, in turn, this increases my drug use.

I'm certainly not coping with this whilst being sober. If I'm having 'drug induced psychosis' I'm absolutely consuming the drugs.

This is what my crazy, evil family clearly cannot comprehend. Doing this shit only makes me use more. However they're in too deep now to admit they've clearly failed and their sick version of psychosis has only elevated my drug use.

Using speed was an imperative requirement to survive. It was a prerequisite of life. Air, food (albeit very little), water, shelter, warmth, sleep and speed.

❤️ 24th February 2018 - Update

Well, I recon I have 70% of my blog back and sorted. Then I can start posting new material. This is so frustrating, and annoying. How dare anyone remove my fucking memories. Just shows how damn low they sink. Feel pity for them. I do. 

I really need to get my house move sorted. I recon I’ll be moving soon... I’m happy to rent in Devon. I can find a job before I move into my house.

I’m not even going to discuss work. Even though I’m exceeding my targets now I feel better, they still want me out. If it wasn’t for my candidates I would have gone weeks ago. One of my favourite candidate is starting work on Monday!!! I’m overjoyed. He had sooooo many barriers. It was hard work getting them all sorted. To have that email saying he starts on Monday... well it made a depressing week worth while. 

And another one... applied for a role she was over qualified for. But my interview prep was so damn good, they called her back the next day, with a interview for a managers role! Her interview is Monday. I wish her all the luck in the world. If she gets the job I’m going to bunk off Monday for a bit and join her for a celebratory drink. These two candidates are in nearly every day. Both are dyslexic, so I’ve had to really help them with their written communication.

I get them to write their notes and I type them for them.  Luckily, my Monday interview candidate is applying for roles in a sector I am familiar with, so can really provide some insightful additions to her preparation.

 

Anyway, as I’m not talking about work, I’ve said too much.

My loser stalker Kate has been abusing me again. I’m keeping her comments in drafts and if they accumulate I’ll go back to the police with the evidence of her harassment.

I’m so lacking motivation... energy... I’m really grumpy. Me and N tidy up each day, yet by the time we sleep the house is a mess again. Not helped by the fact we live in one room.

The only positive is I’ve done quite a good job at rebuilding my blog! I love the fact so many nationalities read my posts. And yes, I’m fully aware, the majority read with negative intentions. 

But bad attention is better than no attention! Plus, the more attention I have now, the more ££ I can demand when I either write an autobiography or even make a film.

And, due to all the attention, I know this is not a wild dream. I get what I want. I always have. This is what keeps me alive. The truth, is the only thing which will get me clean. 

Moving to Devon where I can be mortgage free, means I will definitely have the time to dedicate to doing this. 

My plan is as follows

1) Continue sorting my blog. The existing material.

2) Go through every single diary I have, and add a lot of new material 

3) Get everything in chronological order

4) Sort out advertising on my blog, pay money so I’m shown in search engines.

5) Start using as much different social media to get my blog as much attention as possible 

6) Make necessary changes to get my story so it meets publishing guidelines 

7) Either find some funding or save my own.

8) Get clean

9) Publish

10) Bask in the fame, earn enough money to retrain in substance abuse

11) Be a wonderful mentor for others in my position 

So... watch this space.

Right, I must get up, wash my face, get myself sorted and clean this mess!! 

❤️ Dream Market - Vendor Review - ukwhite

For those of you who fancy utilising the drug version of eBay, I though I’d share my reviews of current vendors and save you the hassle, which I have had, of trying to find out who is reputable and who isn’t.

With regard to cocaine first place goes to ukwhite who has amassed a whopping 2,550 sales.

As his name suggests he specialises in cocaine. 

I have bought from him XX amount of times (I’ll have ccheck later, as my family block me from using Dream Market in my own home, but it’s around 8-12 times I would guess).

His cocaine is always amazing quality. His only down fall, is the length of time it takes for my order to be received... which is generally a week.

On one occasion, my family intercepted and stole his delivery (well I assume it was them stealing it.... 

He immediately resent for me!! As I asked for it to be sent to N’s house, but he still automatically sent it to P****** G****, meaning my family wasn’t aware it was being sent here, meaning they didn’t steal it.

The cocaine is always superb quality... and as I used to shot this, I am definitely a connoisseur. I have purchased both Bolivian and Columbian varieties. Both are equally good, are not cut, so do not need to be filtered for injecting, under a good £20 cheaper and what you generally pay for a gram in the UK (£80 for 1 gram on point). 

As the quality of his product is always excellent, definitely preservable to purchase from him than your average dealer.

I mentioned the only downfall I’ve experienced is, the long delivery time. Bearing in mind that you generally tend to purchase cocaine on a whim, I still waste a lot of money with Street dealers.

Thanks ukwhite x x

ukwhite’s reviews 

ukwhite’s info

ukwhite’s products

❤️ Eating Disorders In Recovery

When one is no longer fueled with artificial energy from the substances they used rely on to feel anything remotely normal, something else happens. 

I’m actually going to ask some people who have recovered to give me their advice on this. 

There is a horrible catalysts of changes. You suddenly feel weird growling like your rib cage.

You’re HUNGRY.

Long gone are the twice a week drives to the petrol station for Haribo, family sized Monster Munch (Flaming Hot), the 99p sized bar of Cadbury’s and whatever else is on offer.

Long gone are the walking into McDonald’s and ordering whatever you want. Long gone Are the times when you can eat whatever you wanted without feeling an ounce of guilt.

Now, you need to do this EVERY DAY! And what’s worst, SEVERAL TIMES   DAY! And.. wait for this.. coz you’re not tweaking or gouching, and there’s only so much time you can spend smoking, you actually get intense cravings to eat! 

If, like myself, you have starved on the twice a week 2,500 calorie binges, meaning you only ate 5,000 of the  14,000 you should have per week... initially... it’s great! The re-feeding period!!

At first you revel in this privilege. am on diagnosed  EDNOS

You are skinny as hell, me, I was weighed at 7.3lbs at MDART before detox. I’m aware my jewellery, hair extensions, clothes and gosh! Even not having an empty bladder will add easily 5lbs. Plus, my family had intervened at that point, most definitely would have brought a lot of tempting junk food. So this wasn’t my lowest weight.

Weighing 8 stone to 8.5lbs I looked too slim, but with hair done, make up, tan... no ones forcing a feeding tube down you.

I suspect my lowest weight could have been around 6.7lbs. I’m accounting for the fact any calories I did consume between being discovered on the Saturday night to seeing Dr. P the following Wednesday, would have been tightly guarded by my starved body and not depleted. Therefore I am likely to have gained, easily 7lbs in 4 days.

So at the height of my addition I weighed between 6.7lbs and 7.3lbs. (91lbs - 101lbs or 41kg - 45.8kg) which meant a BMI of 14.6 - 16.2, if anyone who has anorexia is reading this, and weighs more! I apologise in advance for the horrible trigger this must be. I wasn’t even trying to be skinny and when I chose to eat, I ate crap. I am undiagnosed EDNOS and I too, would get incredibly jealous of anyone weighing less / lower BMI on Why Eat and My Pro Ana.

In rehab I’d say about 50% of the girls there had eating disorders. Me and R*** starved ourselves for 10 days before consuming a load of sugar on NYE and we got buzzed off our heads on sugar.’

When you’re caught up in drug addiction you can eat what you like. Because 90% of the time you don’t eat.

Recovery is hard. You have to control an appetite again. Addiction allows you to eat what youn when you want.

 #itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked