❤️ 15th September 2016 - Journal

Well after more than a few days with hardly any sleep, and the subsequent ‘psychosis’ which I only experience at night, when Sir Cunt-a-Lot is in bed, I finally managed to stop my ‘psychotic’ symptoms.

Just like with opiate withdrawal, I simply Googled ‘olanzapine withdrawal symptoms’ and upon zooming in on ‘insomnia’ ta-da! Psychosis has stopped.

It appears that proving to my erratic psychosis that I may have insomnia for reasons other than doing drugs, it stops.

I don’t know why the sickos do it. I’m under constant surveillance. They can rewind their stupid recording and see I’ve been sat in bed for 4 hours, watching TV, at  most, smoking a spliff, having a drink or popping a benzo (when I could have them).

They can see I’ve certainly not been on stimulants all night.

Finally, they KNOW I HAVE ADHD! They even made a point of telling me I was a poor sleeper as a baby / child.  They’re aware now, this is likely due to my disability, I still have my disability... just if I display any symptoms they don’t like, I’m subjected to their sick abuse.

Nice family eh?? Making me suffer because I had a disability, which results in me struggling to sleep.

Akin to giving a wheel chair user a whack for not standing up!

So sad though. The time, money and energy spent on negativity versus the time, money and energy spent of positivity, shows their true colours.

They are nasty people. 

❤️ 14th September 2016 - Journal

Ate 1000 calories today. The ice cream fucked me up. 300 cals. Although this is super good for me. I can easily do a whole tub in one sitting.

Got 5 hours sleep yesterday. I managed to get my hands on a real Zopiclone (not these fake BS tablets, which I take with so much anticipation, only to still be wide awake, 2 hours later. The absence of heavy limbs is a major give away!), so slept from 12am - 3.30am.

Now, I’m wide awake. And subsequently I’ve eaten an apple with yoghurt. That’s another 100 calories. I feel gross. I cannot have breakfast tomorrow now.

At the moment, antipsychotic withdrawal is killing me. I can’t sleep, and my anxiety is off the chance. I find myself drinking earlier and earlier in the day, desperate to escape the depression, anxiety and attempt to sooth my almost manic behaviour enabling me to sleep.

But I cannot stay on these God awful tablets for ever. We all know my psychosis never existed. I must be the only human who takes antipsyches and still has psychosis!!!

Joys of the nasty, negative, detrimental, soul destroying behaviour actually existing!

But, bar calming me down, which was beneficial when I was banging up speed all day, every day, they don’t do anything positive, bar assist with sleep.

They numb me, I’ve lost my spark... whilst I do not feel the sadness to the extent I should, neither do I feel happiness and joy like I used to.

The quieten down my ADHD... I like my ADHD. It’s mostly, a super power, if utilised correctly.

And then you have the appetite increase! Even when I was super strict with regards to diet and exercise, I’d never dip below 9 stone.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I wake up covered in crumbs. Sometimes I have vague memories of getting food, as if it was a dream. Then I see the empty rappers and / or plates. 

The weight gain is the biggest factor in my decision to stop these God damn tablets.

But, whilst they have all the time in the world, to concoct their nasty little plans of what evil abuse to subject me to next, then spend ZERO hours researching the medications I take, their side effects and the effects of withdawal.

And as this is giving me insomnia, and I can’t sleep... well naturally can’t sleep = drugs = commence the bullshit.

Yes... they’re tormenting me... as I’m withdrawing.

They did it when I withdrew from opiates too. Only stopping when I watched a BBC documentary and another addict (codeine, so an acceptable addict), said she was on day 3 with no sleep, to which to said aloud, well aware I was being monitored, ‘see, she’s going through opiate withdrawal and see can’t sleep either!!!’. Then, as if magic, my ‘psychosis’ stopped.

Yes that’s correct, antipsychotics don’t have any effect,  neither does drug use, as it depends whether psychosis is in the mood. Off my tits on ketamine, tripping like fuck... no psychosis. Drinking and knocking down temazepams... no psychosis. Smoking a spliff... psychosis. Go for a few drinks... psychosis.

I’m asking Dr P about how long this horrible, manic, withdrawal will last, but no reply yet. 

I hope soon, I’m using everything and anything in order to get a snippet of respite from how I feel. 

Right, must exercise and starve tomorrow. I will be a size 6-8 again!!

I AM TOO FAT

I MUST NOT EAT

I AM DISGUSTING

I EAT TOO MUCH

I WANT TO BE SO SKINNY I DISAPPEAR 

I WANT TO DIE

I MUST NOT EAT

I MUST DO MORE EXERCISE 

I MUST BE PERFECT

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - COCAINE

This was a story told to me. 

My self and my twin were neglected as children. Our mother and her partner where never their. We never had clean clothes or new things. We were sent to school with scabies. We had no friends and were bullied badly.

By the age of 12-13 we rebelled. Partying with older men and drinking. We ended up being sexually active and drinking too often.

Soon after I tried cocaine. I was naturally shy, and had a speech impediment. When I got drunk and took cocaine, I was confident, tougher. I was a bad Girl. I didn’t take any bullshit. 

Both me and my twin were using a lot. Then she left our flat to live with her boyfriend.

By now I had started pole dancing and stripping. Soon I progressed to high class bars. Cocaine was a daily occurrence. 

My habit grew, possibly due to my sister moving. We had recently had a few negative times; And as a result would become a different person. I have several alter egos, and being the party one shut my bad feelings out.

I soon progressed to highest earner, £5,000 a night, £20,000, all expenses, trips to New York. I was also selling myself.

It didn’t take long until I had a pimp. He was abusive, forced himself on me and was violent.

My addiction meant I could no longer work at the exclusive nightclubs I was used to.

Eventually I ended up on the street. I was dating a homeless guy, but I knew I was in danger from my past.

Thankfully I was able to engage with a drug team, who quickly got me admitted to detox and then rehab.

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - COCAINE

This was a comment from one of my readers. Thanks!  I have bought I had a massive addiction to cocaine which progressed to crack. Since IVing I’ll never return to sniffing, I hope you don't mind me making this a whole post J, thanks for your contribution

My drugs nightmare I was addicted to cocaine. I started when I was 15. Just once a week at first. By 17 I was doing it 2-4 times a week. By 18 I was 5-7 times a week. Aged 19 I used daily. By 20 I was spending £100 a day. I used at work. I lost my job. Lost my home went back to my mom and dads.carried on till my dad found out I maxed his master card on a $5,000 binge. 

❤️ SHARE YOUR DRUGS NIGHTMARES - MEOW MEOW

This was a comment from one of my readers. Thanks!  I have bought MCat over the net, not been impressed. Maybe my ROA, which is IV. I hope you don't mind me making this a whole post J, thanks for your contribution

I was addicted to meow meow. It started as a weekend treat, but the cum downs were real bad. Man!! I started taking the day after just to function. I loose weight, soon taking every day. Den it was banned. I wAs real sad, but secretly happy. The come Down was awful. But I did it. Like reading your blog. Nice as I'm not only one with addict to legal highs. 

❤️ 30th October 2017 - Journal

Ok well I’ve finally come to a logical conclusion... I am allergic to dust / mould mites.. and this is what is driving me crazy.

It’s also partly the reason behind my sectioning.

The bugs!!

The creepy crawly feeling.

I was itching all day, and before I left Boots, like a Victorian, with my scripted cocaine (methylphenidate) and scripted opiates (buprenorphine) I also purchased some Claratin and Benadryl. Both antihistamines. One for day and one for night. Came home and took a day one. Within an hour. Bar my hair, the itching finally ceased.

When I went to clear out my bedroom, suddenly I’m itchy again and my nose is running like a fucker. 

I knew this wasn’t in my head!

I knew it was real! 

This was half the reason for my sectioning.

Yet, the itching, affecting porous items the combination of mould really are exact to those with dust mite allergies which thrive to unbearable numbers when present in mould.

This house is full of mould. My mattress full of mould, in my bathroom I painted over the mould. I’m pretty sure there is mould which is been hidden by wood too.

I think the surge in dust mites causes the visual affects I have seen. For some Reason I have noticed black spots appearing in materials such as blankets and would chopping boards. They appear to been thing but they’re all fluff. And if the item is black clothing, for example, it will get covered in white fluffs. 

Certain types of clothing that a lot of bobbles. Other material to like pillow covers. Certain blankets get black spots appearing constantly.

I hear this week and my floor with bleach nearly every day. Yeah I can guarantee you blackspots will appear moments after doing so. 

I have now discovered mould spores can affect anything, including grout. Which is why mine doesn’t stay down.

Anything porous. Bar glass, metal or plastics. 

I stand to lose anything which isn’t made of what is listed directly above.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ REVIEW - 4F-MPH

Ok, here’s my view.

4-Fluoromethylphenidate

0.5 g

Used Intravenously (about 6 shots as it took so long to dissolve

I also take well over the max dose of Concerta. The max is 56mg. I’m scripted 90mg!!

4-Fluoromethylphenidate (commonly known as 4F-MPH) is a novel synthetic stimulant of the substitutes phenethylamine and piperidine class that produces long-lasting euphoriant, and stimulating effects when administered. It is a closely related structural analog of the commonly prescribed ADHD drug methylphenidate (known by the brand-names Ritalin and Concerta).

Methylphenidate below

 Thank you Wikipedia!!

4F-MPH is an analogue of Ritalin. Methylphenidate.

I was hopeful it would be super strong so my crazy Ritalin tolerance didn’t matter. I was wrong.

Shared a 1g with N. Friday night we also had £40 of coke IV, £40 of b IV and £60 of crack smoked.

Used a little before the proper goodies arrived, didn’t feel much, it was rather disappointing. However patients has never been one of my skills and did not manage the extremely unreasonable 5 min wait for it to dissolve properly. 

Then knock knock, the coke arrived, then N with the crack and b. 

I mixed a bit of the 4F with some cooked b which was left over and used a bit towards the end of the night.

So my real basis is on the couple of hits I used today, I had nothing else to alter any reaction from the substance. I have a feeling, for me to reach the point of any euphoria I’d need to bang up half a G in a go. Or, withdraw for a good week off Concerta. Might be worth while to keep, as a Concerta back up. I’d try it via booty bump.

Some drugs, you inject them and it’s WOW, never taking via another route of admin again. Whilst others are... why did I both to inject this?? Ketamine is in the latter for example.

This drug will go into my ‘May try again’ pile.

So

Long lasting euphoria - Nope. No euphoria. It made me feel like when Concerta had lost its magic but still worked. Yeah, lots of blog posts created, lots of tweeting... haven’t done anything productive in the house... maybe down to the other substances or the hangover or come down from other substance. It does have stimulatory properties. Friday I was using from 7pm and fell asleep at 10am. Today I woken up at 8pm, finished the last 2-3 hits (my works were appalling. Thanks MDART.

It should be more euphoric than methylphenidate and ‘recreational’. Thinking about my family got me a bit emotional.

I had NO anxiety, felt the need to re-dose (but had benzos for after last shot) nor did I have muscle spasms. N, definitely got prang (paranoid). At one point he must of thought I was texting someone when I was writing this and tried to get a sly look over. He also kept making a funny mouth noise, he does often on stims. Like a closed mouth click. These affects are supposed to happen less with 4F than MPH, but N was clearly on his stimulant buzz.

Oh... it’s a great appetite suppressed. I’d recommend booty bumping AT MOST other wise I’d say, wrap in rizla and bomb it.

It was only €18 a gram, so it’s a maybe.

Jay x x

You can now sign up for my posts via email, if you click the full website, it’s on the left hand side.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

❤️ 01st December 2017 - Journal

Well I can honestly say thank god A** is my manager now and not J**. And good riddance to N*****.

I think A** purposively held back the meeting  he was supposed to have with me on Monday until today so he could make his own judgment on me. And I’m grateful he did.

The report written last week reprimanded me for being late when the tubes were running. J** told me I should have contacted them to say the tubes weren’t running. I confirmed I did. I both called and emailed using WiFi to say I was stuck. It really appears anyone else is ok to run late apart from me.

Anyway, I’ve been in before 9am every day this week. Before A** every day. And on one day, before everyone. 

N***** had been moaning that I had knocked the mouse and keyboard wire out of the back of her PC when I got up from my desk. A** said he didn’t think that was a fair comment, as lack of office space cannot be blamed on me. A** said he planned to change the office layout anyway and I pointed out the office completely breached health and safety legislation. If I have a customer sat next to me and D***** has one next to her... I’m trapped. If there was a fire I wouldn’t be able to get out.

J** also wrote I was disorganised and not able to prioritise my work load. However A** came over to confirm the progress of my workload, with about 20 different candidates and could see, bar maybe 2, I had actioned all outstanding. He sad that he didn’t want to send last week’s report as it was information fed to him, not anything he could confirm was a problem. I’m pretty sure my colleague didn’t provide him with such positive information on her outstanding candidates

He told me after he had seen me properly this week, he actually thought I would be managing the project soon. He said he could see that a role like this was perfect for me, as it kept my ADHD busy, as it is a busy chaotic role.

J** also made a huge song and dance about me being not dressed appropriately for work. I explained occasionally I had brought high heals and swapped into them. He also deleted that point off the report too.

J** and his manager J** sent a report on our figures for November saying we had achieved 
3 out of 19 starts
1 out of 6 job starts
1 out of 6 26 week sustainments

I quickly replied saying the figures were actually 
15/19
4/6
4/6

Funnily enough unlike when others corrected their figures, the charts weren’t changed with my updates!!

A** made a point telling the director he thinks I’m a really good worker.... so my time here may not be so brief.

Over and out.

❤️ 14th February 2018 - Meanwhile In The News

And meanwhile in the news

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5253629/Doctor-escapes-prison-drink-driving-twice.html

So while I have been run out of London, because you don’t like what I chose to do, in my free time, with my money (after paying my mortgage), here’s what a doctor can get up to and it’s all good!

Double standards anyone?

❤️ 13th February 2018 - A Good News Article

And this is why I will not leave my home until the day before the new tenants move in

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5383785/Donal-MacIntyres-wife-arrested-planting-hidden-camera.html

This way, the crafty sickos cannot get into my property and remove any of the nasty devices they have installed.

Meaning, when they are eventually prosecuted, the evidence will still be there.

Karma. I love her.