❤️ Sign, Sealed and Delivered

Ok, so today N finally gave me my ‘just in case’ lethal dose of fentanyl I ordered.

I’ve ordered it before. It’s only 0.2mg but that’s enough to do the job.

But because N, my only friend is a dirty opiate Junkie, he helped himself to get 3/4 of it.

That’s bearly enough for a proper gouching nod.

His lie / excuse was ... he didn’t want me to kill myself.

But after Kate stealing from me, all my family abusing me, all my colleagues avoiding me, all the strangers staring and judging me... knowing I have not ONE human I can trust has ensured I had no reason to carry on.

I love my cat dearly and I am good at my job. And I suppose, I own this shit hole of a house.

But everybody needs at least one person in their lives. I have no one. And whilst I am good at my job, it’s not very enjoyable when no one wants to talk to you. They will if they are faced with no other option than talking to me. But as soon as someone else appears, they sharply leave my presence.

I might do things which society views as negative, but that does not make me a bad person. I am a good person, bar for a very short period in my life, I have always worked, paid my taxes and contributed to society. I’ve raised money for charities supporting both cancer research, RSPCA, the Blue Cross and I have fundraiser for Battersea dogs home.

In a past job I have mentored students with learning disabilities during my half terms. I have changed the work experience programme so it would include the health and social care students arranging activities for the special needs students. So the latter have felt more included within the college.

I will offer to help those struggling with pushchairs or shopping trollies up and down staircases. I always thank drivers let me cross the road. I’m always polite and I always say thank you to bus drivers.

Most of my jobs have involved helping disadvantaged people have the same privileges as advantaged people. I have always gone above and beyond for those who need my help.

I believe in karma and forgiveness (obviously to people who are honest about their errors)

I’m a good person.

But I cannot take this anymore. Being stared at. Having people tracking my location, take my photograph and getting dirty looks.

What have I done to deserve this? My family have made me mentally ill, and I can’t live with this mental illness for life. Would you do this if someone in your family had addiction problems. Even when they had begged you to stop, be honest and give them the support they desperately need? 

Would you undertake activities which you KNOW will only cause them to use? My family create so much anxiety and pain. Can you not see why I cannot stop taking drugs whilst they continue to make me so desperately miserable, rather than supporting me, being the honest parents they used to be and making me happy (in ways other than throwing money at me)

I have not one person in my life who I can trust and who I feel loves me.

I love my cat I am away he too is suffering in rest mode infested house.

It’s not fair to keep him here with me

I love my job, but I cannot stand the isolation I receive every day. It is soul destroying that I am judged so negatively when people only know some fabricated side of the story. Not one person has had the decency to come up to me l, show some empathy and ask me for mine.

So you all WIN. I’m definitely doing it, and if my replacement fentanyl doesn’t arrive in time, a painful death cannot hurt as much as what I’m hurting now.

Congratulations, I hope you’re proud of yourselves 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ October 2017 - Davron Cocktail

Used to commit suicide 

1) Dextropropoxyphene - barbiturate to end life

2) Fentanyl - IV opiates are fun

3) Diazepam - so I pass out 

4) Anti sickness drugs 

❤️ 23rd November 2017 - What The Terrible Junkie Did Today

Ok... so here’s my day

1) man on the broken northern line, trying to connect to WiFi... most likely to update you all on my location, and couldn’t connect.

I realised by entering my email address in Wi-fi Extra it connected. I shared this knowledge with him

2) Man came in without an appointment. So I had 20 mins for lunch so I could see him. He was angry at first, but once I started talking to him about the programme and the help I could provide he really cheered up. Got him hooked onto CSCS. He’s a single dad. It’s a pleasure helping people like him. He’s also a tattoo artist. Maybe I’ll be treated to a free tattoo when I get him employment!! My candidate last week made me a bracelet for helping him get his driving license.

3) My colleague is off with a bereavement. So I also registered her customer.

4) My candidate J**, lovely boy but he’s a pain in the bum. Couldn’t make it to the office so we could refund his travel. So I met him at the tube station and reimbursed him out of my own money. Of course I’ll get this back tomorrow, but what I did, was above and beyond the remit of my role.

So maybe instead of making MY life a misery, because of the LIES you’ve been told, you read my blog and see that you shouldn’t judge a book, based on some retarded critic’s review, when the critic never read the book in the first place and the review you read was complete fabrication.

Hopefully seeing my R*** tomorrow too!! 

Yay!!

#iwillbefamous #thetruth #Itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 01st September 2017 - Journal

Well I can't remember exactly but the 1st and 2nd of September was also horrendous. We must have got a small sample of speed paste one day and some coke the next.

I ended up taking overdoses on both days I think... needless to say due to that my memory is sketchy.

I ended up consuming 100 zopiclone, 75 propranolol and 30 diazepam. Waking up after each day was truly disappointing.

One night we went out and I was stalked by the public on a big scale. They were holding little lights and kept standing in the distance while I sobbed. Then I saw a crowd of people with a police man, obviously a fake police man... as once I approached, they all hid in bushes.

I asked some of the tormentors for cigarette and was given a stick. Sounds like something my brother's girlfriend would do.

I was trying to get to the police station... which was shut. There was also numerous ambulances driving past and stopping near me. I thought I was going to be sectioned so ended up waiting for one... which never came.

Apparently when I came back I was trying to pull my eyebrow ring out thinking it was a scab. N**** had to carry me to bed.

That's all I can remember. I should have wrote this immediately after.

FJ x

❤️ 10th October 2017 - Journal

Well I’m back at work. The job isn’t perfect but I love it. I’m working and contributing to society again.

In this role I literally only have to complete 4 pages of paper work, which admin soughts  and uploads to the system.

NCS come in once a month to do CV workshops, so I don’t even have to stress about that.

Someone else goes out and sources the candidates. A job broker finds the jobs. All I have to do is get candidates to come in and apply for vacancies.

I will get bored as I will literally be sitting at my desk all day just seeing candidate after candidate. But I will not have to travel across loads of boroughs,?worry about travel fares, stress to get to meetings miles away for. 9 o’clock in the morning. I guess it’s an easy role.

It’s only my second day and I’ve already lost my candidate virginity. So my first one completely unsupervised. 

I wanted to have at least four meetings booked by the end of today. I have 10 meetings booked.

The staff are all really nice so praying to God nothing gets caught out about my previous work history and I’m able to settle in and do a good job. 

I went to the toilet earlier and took some Ritalin. I take it correctly due to its bioavailability and my high tolerance. Went for a cigarette afterwards. Amen and the receptionist was like oh the lady who went in the toilet after you found something you left behind. I shit myself it was the plastic syringe even know I’ve been very careful about making sure it was in my bag before I had left. Panic Field my brain.... only to notice my energy drink was on my desk. I had left in the toilet.

I told a story to the receptionist that I was worried I’d left my Tampax in the toilet. I do love to panic and think the worst.

I had a great day even though I was tired from lack of sleep last night.  Had had a cheeky Monday night smoke. Didn’t sleep till 2 AM.

But as I travelled closer and closer to the place I call home I noticed my mood slowly dropping and dropping.

By the time I arrived home I was in a foul mood and I remained in this mood all night.

I have taken this mood out on N. This house is poisonous. Because I am now working my counsellor has agreed to have email sessions with me. I long to email her now when I need her help but I cannot be assured I actually have privacy. Either time I’m aware I have privacy I probably won’t feel the need to email her. My evening depression is only likely to get worse.

I don’t know what today I hope I can move quick because this house is killing me.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked

❤️ My Return To Work

Ok, the big day is here! I'm returning to work.

I have checked the journey planner on my dream house in Paarl Road to Stockwell and it's still saying 1 hour and. 35 mins. It takes 22 mins to get to Benfleet station.

Driving is 2 hours 22 mins, so maybe a scooter is the way to go. That would knock a good 15 minutes off the journey. I wanted to hire a car to see what the drive was like. Now I want to hire a scooter and see. Maybe there's a scooter hire company which will let me collect and return to the station?

Maybe even a foldable electric bike, if they go fast enough??

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 28th April 2017 - Journal

I Long for a syringe filled by 1/3 with glorious blue crystal ethylphenidate. It's now illegal to sell and my parents scared me by threatening a second admittance to he hellious Springfield. I gave them my drugs. I have them my works. I have now not used drugs intravenously or one week. Last Friday Dr. P told me I might not get my Concerta back. I told her I would endure 3 months prisionment for my 'normal'. That's the only reason I have not banged up. Otherwise a replacement legal high is already out there.  4-me-TMP.

#itsnotaboutthedrugs @Gemma_Stalked

❤️ 05th July 2017 - Journal

So this is it. I hope to fill this blog up but I can't take anymore. I was considering to fight. Fight for my life, fight for my job. Apparently even Reed (Who I worked for W at my job), said I should appeal.

Yesterday K was here. He 'was' going to support me with my appeal. D wants me back, the MD aonly gives a shit as to whether I was good at my job. It's only A and R (whom I cannot understand his dislike to me?). K Will soon be manager not A. My referral agencies and candidates want me back. And I was going to play the disability card! Big time! I wanted my job back. I reckon I was in with a decent chance. If a diabetic Paul insolation it would have been okay. Not my fault my medication is seen as a class B drug. Can't do shit without it.

Anyway if I didn't fuck N off and make me paranoid of my own home, none of this would've happened.

But whatever, this is the last thing I'll write so it needs to be more poignant.

So - with me - i'm an organ donor.  Please use everything. It makes me quite happy knowing my death could save 10 to 20 lives.

Funeral - don't want anything fancy. Cheapest coffin. No flowers. Donations to the Blue Cross or RSPCA. Linkin Park Numb, Eminem Headlights, When I'm Gone, Mockingbird, Donny Darko's Mad World and Eagle Eyed Cherry Save Tonight and The Smiths Asleep needs to be played 

Please invite

- N

- R (and her twin L)

- K (work)

- Z old friend 

- JK, old friend 

- S from Newcastle

- A from Newcastle 

- K from rehab

- B from rehab

- N from rehab

- J - Longreach Manager

- Counsellors from rehab

- D cook from rehab

- R from Merton Engage

- J from Merton Engage 

- O from Merton Engage

- A from Merton Engage

- V from Merton Engage

- S client at Merton Engage

- B client at Merton Engage

- Kate Beniston from detox

- S, Kate's boyfriend 

- K, N’s brother

- B, N’s girlfriend 

- H, old friend 

- L, Social Worker from Sutton Council

-  M, friend from Mitcham 

- S from rehab

Anyway I can't take anymore. Yesterday was great, I was with K, so they couldn't do shit. I felt great. Even though I had banged up Adderall and smoked a rock of crack I had left in my wallet from the night before. I slept well. There was no shit (well a tiny bit of whispering when I was upstairs alone changing the bed covers). But they couldn't do their shit in front of him. So it was nice and I felt like I wanted a life. I was up for fighting. And seeing as so many people said I should appeal, I recon I was in with a good chance.

I want to sunbath today. Then get this tooth sorted tomorrow. Go Estate agents and look for part time work.

But tonight..... it's bigger than the fight in me. It's not like I can have friends over every night. That's the only way they'll stop.

I went rehab for fuck's sake. That 'man' still did his bullshit to me! Why? I could have been a 'normal' drug user. Booty bump a little MD at the weekend. Weed to sleep. The odd benzo. And this is what I was after rehab. But that man gave me no respite. He did bullshit when I was fucking withdrawing from opiates! And olanzapine!! Until I said I was withdrawing and then they stopped. He did bullshit after two Nytol. After nights I had been out to drink only, or smoke some weed. He also neglected to do it when I blacked out on benzos and booze, or the nights I was hoovering up ketamine!!

Today it started with the heart wrenching cry of my niece P**** around 7pm. Clearly fat cunt (AKA my brother) had told her off, rather excessively.

Then my quiet road became super busy. Every car seemed to excellerate past my house and most had tinted windows. Still the drivers of these vehicles looked incredibly similar to my father, mother, brother and his girlfriend.

I went for a walk and someone who looked just like the fat cunt, walking two dogs, incredibly similar to the bloke who lives 3-5 doors away, walked past me. The fake goatie was laughable. As was the foreign accent... French!!??? Maybe?!? I still humoured the fat cunt and said I liked his dogs!!

Some bloke from 3-5 door away was also staking me. He went last my house and started digging God knows what out of his arse.

As I'm paranoid I was convinced it was a signal. I could be incorrect. He may have worms. Still this dude was following me. Make sure he's questioned by the police. He's got blood on his hands.

This walk was probably the most life changing. I realised, yet again, I was 'famous'. The hope of fighting for my job or finding a new one, evaporated. My hope vanished. My aspirations for a normal life, disappeared. Harry Potter cloak of invisibility shit. There one minute, gone the next.

My mother, wearing two 'disguises' walked past my house twice. I don't know if she 'forgets' she's lost most of her hair....? The first time she wore a yellow t-shirt. She never wears yellow. But in doing so, she still lacks the character change that Superman has perfected, with just a change of glasses.

The second time, I knew it would be game over. I started crying for my mum. Proper hysterical sobbing. She was watching me on her mobile phone. She stopped walking for a couple of seconds when I burst into tears and wailed for her. Only for a couple of seconds, which ultimately broke my heart. The 'coincident' that she stopped when I cried for her, was evident enough it was my mummy.

She clearly wants me dead. I'm not a mother, but my ears prick up immediately when my cat Orion cries. When he was missing, hearing noises similar to him crying hurt so bad. I couldn't ignore him crying when he needed me.

My mummy didn't even look back. Her lies and her game are more important than her baby girl.

That just goes to show what a worthless piece of shit I am. Just like that day my dad (now known as that man) ignored me crying in the park. 

This game hurts too much to carry on. They know it doesn't work. It didn't work before. I told you (well the psychosis you) rehab was just going to be a break from you. And it was. I'm using more drugs now thanks to your actions.

Sadly it boils mainly down to you, and slightly my ADHD.

The constant surveillance makes my ADHD and OCD worse. I have so much anxiety. I can't have sex or masterbate without mummy and daddy watching. I'm 36! I'm sure you would get bad anxiety too if every part of your life was watched as intensively as you have done to me. So I did what I've always done when I feel like that, self medicate.

I can't dance or sing like I want to. Because you're watching. This in itself takes away so much joy from my life.

My OCD is worse because I know I'm being watched and undoubtedly judged.

I've said it before, but in 14 weeks of rehab I craved drugs five times maybe? Why? I was happy. Even though I shared a room I had privacy! I could be me. I was well liked. Everyone for I was really funny. I was hyper, bouncy, chatty and fun. You haven't seen that girl in years. Even if I stayed alive you wouldn't see her again.

I wish I could talk to you about this, but by the time you read this and it's in your hands I'll have the truth. But how will you sleep at night knowing what you did to me made me kill myself? Knowing you could have walked, 10-20 eight knocked on my door and said I'm sorry it's over. Why was a lie worth more than me? You are the best parents until you started this. Now I'm scared of you. 

You brought me up to never lie. What a load of crap that was.

You lied to The Sun in the first place, so you could ensure as much public hatred for me as possible, but regardless if you are happy to make me famous for being a junkie, why not let me be famous for getting clean. I could've made money selling my story and if I was famous for being a junkie you got clean I would have had a lot more pressure to stay clean.

Why would you rather lie then have me? I know you didn't mean for it to go this far. C from next door told me. 

Anyway I've gone off on a tangent. After my mum ignoring my sobs they all pulled up in next door's car. My dad, mum and brother. My brother was smoking and kept calling 'mum'. I went to light a fag thinking they had come for me... at last! I was angry but happy I didn't have to die.... I re-opened The front door to see C her husband and L.

Fat Cunt was smoking a straight (normal cigarette). L was smoking a roll up. 

That's the last evil thing they'll do to me. Well there is the odd noise from upstairs but now I ignore it.

I finally thought they were coming to put a stop to this.! I was wrong. They didn't want me. They didn't want to save me. They wanted to hurt me again.

Hint taken! I am killing myself. At any point you decide you want me you only have to knock on my door. I hate myself for being so optimistic. I like an abused puppy. I still come back tail wagging only to be abused again.

anyway I must stop writing this but I have so much left to right and I want to die tomorrow. Even being clean won't stop my family. They will torment me for life. I'd love to move, but that takes up way too much time and I can't face being tormented for that long. They've gone now I'll just have the remote tormenting to deal with. The whispering from the little speakers and the noises. If I'm downstairs it'll be noises upstairs and vice versa. Yes they seem to think, rather than taking drugs to cope with stress and paranoia and of course the need to stay awake, that doing this shit will make me stop! 

They've also made me properly mentally ill. I will always be paranoid due to them. And any noise that resembles the sound of them whispering world have triggered this paranoia.

Right I need to write individual letters so I must sign off.

I won't go on there's no point they've heard it all before. They've watch my mental health decline. They haven't stopped or even reigned it in a bit. Even when I have cut down my drug use. 

The only way out is death! I am finally free! I am happy! I am with real family who love me!

Bless!