❤️ Sign, Sealed and Delivered

Ok, so today N finally gave me my ‘just in case’ lethal dose of fentanyl I ordered.

I’ve ordered it before. It’s only 0.2mg but that’s enough to do the job.

But because N, my only friend is a dirty opiate Junkie, he helped himself to get 3/4 of it.

That’s bearly enough for a proper gouching nod.

His lie / excuse was ... he didn’t want me to kill myself.

But after Kate stealing from me, all my family abusing me, all my colleagues avoiding me, all the strangers staring and judging me... knowing I have not ONE human I can trust has ensured I had no reason to carry on.

I love my cat dearly and I am good at my job. And I suppose, I own this shit hole of a house.

But everybody needs at least one person in their lives. I have no one. And whilst I am good at my job, it’s not very enjoyable when no one wants to talk to you. They will if they are faced with no other option than talking to me. But as soon as someone else appears, they sharply leave my presence.

I might do things which society views as negative, but that does not make me a bad person. I am a good person, bar for a very short period in my life, I have always worked, paid my taxes and contributed to society. I’ve raised money for charities supporting both cancer research, RSPCA, the Blue Cross and I have fundraiser for Battersea dogs home.

In a past job I have mentored students with learning disabilities during my half terms. I have changed the work experience programme so it would include the health and social care students arranging activities for the special needs students. So the latter have felt more included within the college.

I will offer to help those struggling with pushchairs or shopping trollies up and down staircases. I always thank drivers let me cross the road. I’m always polite and I always say thank you to bus drivers.

Most of my jobs have involved helping disadvantaged people have the same privileges as advantaged people. I have always gone above and beyond for those who need my help.

I believe in karma and forgiveness (obviously to people who are honest about their errors)

I’m a good person.

But I cannot take this anymore. Being stared at. Having people tracking my location, take my photograph and getting dirty looks.

What have I done to deserve this? My family have made me mentally ill, and I can’t live with this mental illness for life. Would you do this if someone in your family had addiction problems. Even when they had begged you to stop, be honest and give them the support they desperately need? 

Would you undertake activities which you KNOW will only cause them to use? My family create so much anxiety and pain. Can you not see why I cannot stop taking drugs whilst they continue to make me so desperately miserable, rather than supporting me, being the honest parents they used to be and making me happy (in ways other than throwing money at me)

I have not one person in my life who I can trust and who I feel loves me.

I love my cat I am away he too is suffering in rest mode infested house.

It’s not fair to keep him here with me

I love my job, but I cannot stand the isolation I receive every day. It is soul destroying that I am judged so negatively when people only know some fabricated side of the story. Not one person has had the decency to come up to me l, show some empathy and ask me for mine.

So you all WIN. I’m definitely doing it, and if my replacement fentanyl doesn’t arrive in time, a painful death cannot hurt as much as what I’m hurting now.

Congratulations, I hope you’re proud of yourselves 

#itsnotaboutthedrugs

@Gemma_Stalked