Yesterday K was here. He 'was' going to support me with my appeal. D wants me back, the MD aonly gives a shit as to whether I was good at my job. It's only A and R (whom I cannot understand his dislike to me?). K Will soon be manager not A. My referral agencies and candidates want me back. And I was going to play the disability card! Big time! I wanted my job back. I reckon I was in with a decent chance. If a diabetic Paul insolation it would have been okay. Not my fault my medication is seen as a class B drug. Can't do shit without it.
Anyway if I didn't fuck N off and make me paranoid of my own home, none of this would've happened.
But whatever, this is the last thing I'll write so it needs to be more poignant.
So - with me - i'm an organ donor. Please use everything. It makes me quite happy knowing my death could save 10 to 20 lives.
Funeral - don't want anything fancy. Cheapest coffin. No flowers. Donations to the Blue Cross or RSPCA. Linkin Park Numb, Eminem Headlights, When I'm Gone, Mockingbird, Donny Darko's Mad World and Eagle Eyed Cherry Save Tonight and The Smiths Asleep needs to be played
Please invite
- N
- R (and her twin L)
- K (work)
- Z old friend
- JK, old friend
- S from Newcastle
- A from Newcastle
- K from rehab
- B from rehab
- N from rehab
- J - Longreach Manager
- Counsellors from rehab
- D cook from rehab
- R from Merton Engage
- J from Merton Engage
- O from Merton Engage
- A from Merton Engage
- V from Merton Engage
- S client at Merton Engage
- B client at Merton Engage
- Kate Beniston from detox
- S, Kate's boyfriend
- K, N’s brother
- B, N’s girlfriend
- H, old friend
- L, Social Worker from Sutton Council
- M, friend from Mitcham
- S from rehab
Anyway I can't take anymore. Yesterday was great, I was with K, so they couldn't do shit. I felt great. Even though I had banged up Adderall and smoked a rock of crack I had left in my wallet from the night before. I slept well. There was no shit (well a tiny bit of whispering when I was upstairs alone changing the bed covers). But they couldn't do their shit in front of him. So it was nice and I felt like I wanted a life. I was up for fighting. And seeing as so many people said I should appeal, I recon I was in with a good chance.
I want to sunbath today. Then get this tooth sorted tomorrow. Go Estate agents and look for part time work.
But tonight..... it's bigger than the fight in me. It's not like I can have friends over every night. That's the only way they'll stop.
I went rehab for fuck's sake. That 'man' still did his bullshit to me! Why? I could have been a 'normal' drug user. Booty bump a little MD at the weekend. Weed to sleep. The odd benzo. And this is what I was after rehab. But that man gave me no respite. He did bullshit when I was fucking withdrawing from opiates! And olanzapine!! Until I said I was withdrawing and then they stopped. He did bullshit after two Nytol. After nights I had been out to drink only, or smoke some weed. He also neglected to do it when I blacked out on benzos and booze, or the nights I was hoovering up ketamine!!
Today it started with the heart wrenching cry of my niece P**** around 7pm. Clearly fat cunt (AKA my brother) had told her off, rather excessively.
Then my quiet road became super busy. Every car seemed to excellerate past my house and most had tinted windows. Still the drivers of these vehicles looked incredibly similar to my father, mother, brother and his girlfriend.
I went for a walk and someone who looked just like the fat cunt, walking two dogs, incredibly similar to the bloke who lives 3-5 doors away, walked past me. The fake goatie was laughable. As was the foreign accent... French!!??? Maybe?!? I still humoured the fat cunt and said I liked his dogs!!
Some bloke from 3-5 door away was also staking me. He went last my house and started digging God knows what out of his arse.
As I'm paranoid I was convinced it was a signal. I could be incorrect. He may have worms. Still this dude was following me. Make sure he's questioned by the police. He's got blood on his hands.
This walk was probably the most life changing. I realised, yet again, I was 'famous'. The hope of fighting for my job or finding a new one, evaporated. My hope vanished. My aspirations for a normal life, disappeared. Harry Potter cloak of invisibility shit. There one minute, gone the next.
My mother, wearing two 'disguises' walked past my house twice. I don't know if she 'forgets' she's lost most of her hair....? The first time she wore a yellow t-shirt. She never wears yellow. But in doing so, she still lacks the character change that Superman has perfected, with just a change of glasses.
The second time, I knew it would be game over. I started crying for my mum. Proper hysterical sobbing. She was watching me on her mobile phone. She stopped walking for a couple of seconds when I burst into tears and wailed for her. Only for a couple of seconds, which ultimately broke my heart. The 'coincident' that she stopped when I cried for her, was evident enough it was my mummy.
She clearly wants me dead. I'm not a mother, but my ears prick up immediately when my cat Orion cries. When he was missing, hearing noises similar to him crying hurt so bad. I couldn't ignore him crying when he needed me.
My mummy didn't even look back. Her lies and her game are more important than her baby girl.
That just goes to show what a worthless piece of shit I am. Just like that day my dad (now known as that man) ignored me crying in the park.
This game hurts too much to carry on. They know it doesn't work. It didn't work before. I told you (well the psychosis you) rehab was just going to be a break from you. And it was. I'm using more drugs now thanks to your actions.
Sadly it boils mainly down to you, and slightly my ADHD.
The constant surveillance makes my ADHD and OCD worse. I have so much anxiety. I can't have sex or masterbate without mummy and daddy watching. I'm 36! I'm sure you would get bad anxiety too if every part of your life was watched as intensively as you have done to me. So I did what I've always done when I feel like that, self medicate.
I can't dance or sing like I want to. Because you're watching. This in itself takes away so much joy from my life.
My OCD is worse because I know I'm being watched and undoubtedly judged.
I've said it before, but in 14 weeks of rehab I craved drugs five times maybe? Why? I was happy. Even though I shared a room I had privacy! I could be me. I was well liked. Everyone for I was really funny. I was hyper, bouncy, chatty and fun. You haven't seen that girl in years. Even if I stayed alive you wouldn't see her again.
I wish I could talk to you about this, but by the time you read this and it's in your hands I'll have the truth. But how will you sleep at night knowing what you did to me made me kill myself? Knowing you could have walked, 10-20 eight knocked on my door and said I'm sorry it's over. Why was a lie worth more than me? You are the best parents until you started this. Now I'm scared of you.
You brought me up to never lie. What a load of crap that was.
You lied to The Sun in the first place, so you could ensure as much public hatred for me as possible, but regardless if you are happy to make me famous for being a junkie, why not let me be famous for getting clean. I could've made money selling my story and if I was famous for being a junkie you got clean I would have had a lot more pressure to stay clean.
Why would you rather lie then have me? I know you didn't mean for it to go this far. C from next door told me.
Anyway I've gone off on a tangent. After my mum ignoring my sobs they all pulled up in next door's car. My dad, mum and brother. My brother was smoking and kept calling 'mum'. I went to light a fag thinking they had come for me... at last! I was angry but happy I didn't have to die.... I re-opened The front door to see C her husband and L.
Fat Cunt was smoking a straight (normal cigarette). L was smoking a roll up.
That's the last evil thing they'll do to me. Well there is the odd noise from upstairs but now I ignore it.
I finally thought they were coming to put a stop to this.! I was wrong. They didn't want me. They didn't want to save me. They wanted to hurt me again.
Hint taken! I am killing myself. At any point you decide you want me you only have to knock on my door. I hate myself for being so optimistic. I like an abused puppy. I still come back tail wagging only to be abused again.
anyway I must stop writing this but I have so much left to right and I want to die tomorrow. Even being clean won't stop my family. They will torment me for life. I'd love to move, but that takes up way too much time and I can't face being tormented for that long. They've gone now I'll just have the remote tormenting to deal with. The whispering from the little speakers and the noises. If I'm downstairs it'll be noises upstairs and vice versa. Yes they seem to think, rather than taking drugs to cope with stress and paranoia and of course the need to stay awake, that doing this shit will make me stop!
They've also made me properly mentally ill. I will always be paranoid due to them. And any noise that resembles the sound of them whispering world have triggered this paranoia.
Right I need to write individual letters so I must sign off.
I won't go on there's no point they've heard it all before. They've watch my mental health decline. They haven't stopped or even reigned it in a bit. Even when I have cut down my drug use.
The only way out is death! I am finally free! I am happy! I am with real family who love me!
Bless!
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